Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

@deusexmacintoshmaybe read OP’s posts before insulting another poster with name calling - OP arranged her own house swop, so all your blathering about lists doesn’t even apply here.

Exactly. That poster who seems to have taken over the original OP’s thread is dismissing everyone’s experience except for those with a disabled child. Which is totally unfair.

If that’s all the sleep you’re getting, it would suggest that’s all your neighbour is getting too.

I know you did but I just don't believe it. Sometimes people just lie and then they get caught out.

I had a neighbour in the past (before my son became disabled) do the same about apparent noise we were making. The landlord caught her in a lie and never took any complaint from her seriously again.

Malicious reports happen. As do exaggerated reports. My ex neighbour owned her house, hated the fact that we had 2 young children who weren't always perfectly silent during the day (and went to bed at 7pm) and lied out of their arses.

What other people do in their homes isn't my responsibility. Just as long as my neighbours don't prevent me from sleeping at night for whatever reason then it's got nothing to do with me. Well it's no more my business than the existence of drug dealers on the next street, or the next town. Physical proximity makes no difference. I'm not making moral judgements - I just couldn't cope with regularly disturbed sleep. And I can't believe that you really believe that anyone could.

Well don't you think there might be something wrong with your radar if you are offended by disabled kids but not by drug dealers who are peddling substances that destroy people's lives in many different ways and can even lead to people's deaths.
You are triggered by this thread ( apparently ) and consider living near disabled people like a horror movie but living next to actual criminals is all good.! You know people who might actually be dangerous ( though no.doubt you will be along to tell us that they were actually lovely people and great neighbours drug busts aside of course).

She’s lived there 6 weeks and apart from a brief conversation where the neighbour didn’t sound particularly welcoming, there’s been no conversation.

She has made 2/3 complaints already, in 6 weeks, all without actually saying to OP “excuse me, your kid is a bit loud?” And actually seeking to discuss or clarify the situation.

She avoids her, and sends her kids to retrieve parcels etc, and whilst making her various complaints has made absolutely no attempt to approach the situation.

We have been fortunate to not receive complaints, but I would much prefer a face to face grown up conversation about it, rather than sniping behind someone’s back. I would be far more open to it if it was handled sensibly.

Which is why I said that in OPs shoes, I’d approach her about the complaints. Try and start building that bridge. But I would only do it once.

Of course all of the above is depending on if you believe OP, which I do.

She’s not the bad guy for recognising and not liking the noise. She’s the bad guy for handling it so poorly.

Not particularly. It wouldn't affect my ability to sleep. In fact my neighbours before last were drug dealers. Apart from the time the Police raided in the early hours it didn't affect my sleep in the slightest.

Why do you “have no doubt the NDN is lying” what are you basing this on. I have offered a scientifically proven phenomenon which would account for her mistake. What are others offering apart from ascertation based on a desire for the NDN to be seen as “ the bad guy” - why? For wanting a decent amount of sleep or to want peaceful enjoyment of her property? Why are you so keen on the NDZn being the bad guy

I set out upthread how the memory can be changed esp when someone is under a lot of stress like the neighbour. It’s unlikely the neighbour has actually set out to lie. Although there is a phenomena that you hear what you expect to hear when presented with unintelligible vocal sounds.

Just because you're autistic and behaved differently, doesn't mean the OP isn't doing everything she can to try and modify her DS's behaviour.
As an autistic person yourself, it's not U to think that you would be more clued-up, and be able to appreciate that the spectrum is massive, and not a one-size-fits-all condition?

That doesn't seem to be how straight swaps worked (I looked it up). But it's not something I know anything about.

How do swaps work?

He does scream, there's no doubt about that and I'm not claiming that the neighbour is stretching the truth in that regard. He doesn't scream foul language though because it would be impossible for him.

I find it hard to believe that she 'misheard' a non verbal child screaming swear words.

But you're OK with him 'frolicking' in a place where he disturbs your neighbour at 4.30 am. I'd be livid tbh. I appreciate your son has issues, but you need to make some effort to stop these becoming anti-social. Yes, your son will improve as he gets older. In the meantime, you are the one who must deal with it.

And earplugs are not the answer. They're bloody uncomfortable for a lot of people. I can't sleep in them.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times.

But he does scream, the neighbour isn't lying about that as OP has said herself. Maybe the neighbour thought she could hear swearing, I don't know. But there is a screaming child at 4.30am as admitted by OP. Don't try to stretch the truth when OP hasn't commented for half the thread, this is running away with itself now.

Me too.

I think it's fairly obvious since she clearly had no idea that he's non verbal and would be caught out.

Further complaints to HA may not be taken as seriously since OP has sent them evidence confirming that it isn't possible for her child to scream foul language so hopefully she's shot herself in the foot.

I have no doubt OP’s NDN is lying about the severity and content of the noise because she thinks it’ll get them gone quicker.

People can also just sometimes lie.

The poster above you has just advised a type she can request that is 70% effective, and is used by HAs.

The option I’m dismissing is rehoming an autistic child. Have you ever tried it? It’s not for the weak.

In terms of the garden - OP did say he accesses it for 2-3hrs a day, and is always inside by 6pm. Are we really saying a child can’t play in his garden after school? …. Really?

thank you for expanding.

But apart from the sound proofing (which some posters have said from experience won’t work) all other options seems to be dismissed.

It really seems like the house isn’t suitable. to enable sufficient things to be put in place and nothing is going to help with the garden .
As for the neighbour lying, I think there needs to be more understanding of how trauma )which from experience I have no doubt the neighbour is suffering) parts of the brain will shut down then when relaying the facts the brain will fill in the missing pieces. So there will be a memory of shouting, and aggressive action and the neighbour might have felt under attack. The brain will have filled in the swearing because that makes sense to the overall situation. Even normal memories work this way, a significant chunk of what we remember is false - there are numerous studies that prove this very point. The neighbour is very likely relaying her actual memory.

Another ill informed dunderhead.

Housing Association tenancies don't allow you to just move whenever you feel like it. You have to register for an online bidding scheme, and you are allocated points based on your needs.

OP will likely have been given one offer from the HA - the property she is now living in. If you refuse a first offer without very good reason (ie no wheelchair access) you won't get another one. You'll be removed from the bidding register or moved down to the bottom of the priority bidding list.

To be eligible for a transfer OP would now have to show that she is either overcrowded, at serious health risk, or living in an unsuitable home (ie severe structural or sanitary issues) to be awarded enough points to be offered a move to another property. As this property is big enough for her needs, she will be classed as suitably housed and ineligible for a transfer.

OP, all HAs are supposed to offer soundproofing - although some, like Clarion HA, are notoriously poor at upholding their obligations. My brother works for Genesis HA, they have carried out thousands of soundproofing installations on their properties every year since 2006. If you go down this route, ask for Rockwool insulation to be used. It deadens about 70% of the noise.

You're doing a fantastic job in impossible circumstances. I have a relative with Downs Syndrome who also stims loudly and repetitively, sometimes for hours. He's an adult man and unfortunately, due to his severe learning disabilty, has no impulse control and doesn't have the reasoning skills to understand why he needs to stop.

BeEagerEagle is one of those low support needs, highly verbal, high IQ autistics who no doubt has some kind of internalised ableism towards profoundly autistic people with learning disabilities/complex needs. They can't wait to criticise or distance themselves from what they see as the lesser kind of autistic, lest they be lumped in with them.

I wouldn't bother engaging with them.

Oops. Indeed

Not likely. I can, and have, slept through the following: firemen banging on the front door well enough to take off the hinges and screaming 'open up', a police raid of a campsite (complete with yelling, screaming, torches, and headlamps of cars roaring up to our tent), fireworks going off for Diwali when we were staying in a forest hut, encouraging every wolf in that forest to howl at the top of its lungs. Apparently, I just snore a bit and turn over. I take after my dad who used to sleep through hurricanes at sea. If it's a late night noisy neighbour that might prevent me going TO sleep, but honestly probably not; I can sleep on a washing line and tune out a ridiculous amount of noise. In spite of needing multiple alarm clocks, I think it's a blessing rather than a curse.

I’ve already answered OP on that exact point. Happy to expand though.

Do not move an autistic child twice in a year.

Speak to the various professionals she has involvement with for ideas and solutions. One of which would be funded soundproofing, and/or extra equipment to help him regulate.

The fact she’s only getting 12hrs of respite is horrendous. Short breaks should IMO be doing more for her.

Continue to do the middle of the night calming she already will be - like I said, nobody likes that noise.

Might be worth looking at meds dosage, or time given. I obviously don’t know OPs specific situation, but we save melatonin for middle of the night wake ups so he at least goes back down.

Speak to the neighbour candidly about the challenges, and the above ways she’s planning to get help. If the neighbour continues to lie about her disabled son, leave it and don’t try again as she’s clearly not approachable and has no intention of working together.

Nobody has ever said to do nothing, they said not to move.

What would your solution be then?