Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

Except we do owe each other and society to carry each other's burdens. Taxes are a practical outworking of that.
The mother's social contract expects her to make massive sacrifice, that to spend her life caring for her son and losing all comfort of her own, forever. She has not done anything to deserve this.

Likewise, the neighbours, to a far lesser degree, find themselves in a position to have to sacrifice their own temporary comfort. Because the OP's son is not intentional,not doing anything illegal, and someone has to live next door. It's just an extension of the same principal.

Neither the OP or the neighbour are responsible for the son's disability. Both, by no fault of their own, have to carry the burden in very different measures.

So it absolutely is her responsibility to take ownership for her own life, ask politely if sound proofing can occur for instance, and potentially consider rearranging her own house for her own sake

The idea we are entitled to a nuisance free life is just so wrong, entitled and plain narcissistic.
Is it distressing for the neighbour? Sure. But the more we consider ourselves entitled, the more we make ourselves miserable.
The fact her teen daughter looks embarrassed when she sees OP probably means she has form for being difficult.

Well people can be' saddled ' with lots of things . Lots of things that happen to you are less than ideal but that is life. We all have situations come to us that are detrimental to us and beyond our control. Life is unfair sometimes. That is just a fact .
And no I am not saying the neighbour should just suck it up but when difficulties arise surely the only way to deal with them is by trying to find a workable solution. Lying to the council and having zero willingness to engage is of course her right but it is unlikely to achieve the desired outcome .

You wouldn’t be obliged to have any sort of conversation, you’re right - but it might get you further.

I think it's unlikely OP is coming back now and I don't blame her.

I don't need to know OP personally to understand severe autism and stimming.

I assume you aren't working OP (fair enough too) so why don't you get up at 4.30am? I understand this signals the start of the day, but i don't think you can make that your whole excuse.

You say you're running on no sleep, but can't you sleep during the day whilst your son is at school?

I think you're fixated on your neighbours lying to social housing about swearing- but maybe she thinks she's hearing swearing through the wall.

Regarding your old neighbours insisting they couldn't hear anything- this is very much like our new build - its bloody amazingly soundproofed. I am mid-terrace and cannot hear either sides (one has a crying newborn and barky dog, the other has 4 kids under 11). However, my best friend can hear every word of a loud conversation coming from her next door neighbours. It's quite unbelievable tbh! Both of you should look into whether the house has been properly insulated, because this can also impact sound proofing.

To the point though - your previous neighbours may not have been saints, they might have just had better insulation/sound proofing.

Yebbut. The neighbour hasn’t asked for any of this. They’ve just been going about their life and this has been dropped on their doorstep. If I were that neighbour, I’d be thinking: why do I need to have any discussion, ‘reasonable’ or otherwise? This is affecting my quality of life.’

They don’t owe the new neighbour anything. Let alone their sleep.

I didn’t say negotiate, I said have a reasonable discussion about it that doesn’t involve backstabbing or lying. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

What’s wrong with saying to someone “I don’t like that, what can we do to make that easier for everyone?”

It will come as no surprise that I do believe people should at least acknowledge disability. Not really sure what to say if others don’t believe that. We can’t be all for inclusion until it bothers someone. We’re either accepting of disability or we’re not.

So you’re kind of saying they should negotiate, even though the neighbour has done nothing here and has just been saddled with noise out of nowhere. Yet is expected to take on board the disability of their new neighbour’s child with whom they have no connection whatsoever.

I’m more than happy to have the same conversation on a loop again, yeah.

I think that both of them need to have a sensible conversation about what can be done to mitigate the noise. It can’t be stopped immediately, because that’s not how (some) disabled children work. The same way you can’t just shut babies up.

OP and her NDN should have a frank conversation about the situation, the steps OP can take to manage it, and how long they might take to either work or help.

I would hope that approaching it like grown ups might take some of the heat out and make it more collaborative/understanding.

If it doesn’t, OP should still do things to manage the situation, but I wouldn’t move house and I wouldn’t bother trying with her again.

Most people are cunts some of the time to someone. That’s how people work.

What people who throw #BeKind out actually mean is “you’re being kind to someone I’d prefer you didn’t because I don’t agree with them.”

Might I ask, @SleeplessInWherever what you think the neighbour should do? Just suck it up, and live a life without sleep, because next door has a disabled child? Is that to be their lot forever?

#bekind is bullshit because it implies the sayer is all about benevolence when in actuality it’s just a mantra. Lots of people who trot out #bekind are cunts.

Everyone is #kind to someone.

Your kindness is weighted towards the neighbours, because that’s the position you’ve been in. Mine is toward OP, as our children share some of the same traits (stimming, noise) and it’s a situation I can envisage happening here.

#BeingKind isn’t offensive and it baffles me that people wheel it out like it is.

I think fundamentally we disagree, because it sounds like you see the only solution as OP moving away, and I see that as the only option not worth exploring.

Have you considered the NDN might have issues herself. Maybe she has PTSD. Maybe the screaming is triggering. Maybe she finds confrontation difficult. Maybe she’s been through this before and knows she’s likely to be met with comments like the ones on here and knows there no point. All the #bekind posters on here hasn’t considered whether she’s going through something much more difficult than the OP.. The above would certainly explain the situation from the start. Maybe she moved previously to get away from exactly this situation and can’t believe it’s happening again.

If you know the OP personally and the circumstances, why has she bothered to start this thread?

She could get all her info from you, since you obviously are qualified enough to answer for her.

I ask questions of the OP. I don't expect someone else to answer for her. I would not want someone else to answer for me, would you?

Why have you answered instead of the OP? Surely the question was not asked of you?

Don't you think the OP has enough to contend with without having to read other posters squabbles?

Why don't you leave it to the OP to decide who is confusing her and who is not?

I always thought that when a poster posts a thread asking for help with a serious matter, he/she is genuinely wanting som suggestions.

No one knows exactly what is happening except the OP, and it never fails to surprise me that so many people ridicule suggestions because they think they know better.

If posters ask the OP for more information, it is for the OP to decide whether she responds or not.

If a poster makes a suggestion, it if for the OP to decide whether that is a possibility or not, because only they are in a position to know what helps and what does not.

What makes you think you are more able to advise the OP than anyone else?

My posts are directed at the OP: what gives you the right to comment on them?

Are you more privy to the OP's situation? I ask questions and offer suggestions to the OP, not to you.

Exactly.
And the neighbour is merely an innocent bystander.

I am perplexed as to why the OP moved away from a situation that was working for all concerned.

I recorded evidence of them banging on walls, the window and screaming through our shared wall to 'control our kid' (who was a toddler at the time and simply playing) and the police were satisfied enough with evidence which backed up my memory to agree with me and caution them. That's good enough for me.

Sorry - just edited my post to add in an explanation of why your memory won’t be 100% accurate, even though you think it is. This is especially true when you feel very strongly about something

Some things you never forget, that experience was definitely one of them.

If you can believe that she only thought she heard OP's son swearing but her memory is playing tricks on her then why can't I believe she is just lying because sometimes people are simply liars?

It’s almost scientifically impossible your memory is 100% accurate - but never mind. - you might find This a helpful explanation as to why your memory is not as accurate as you think

We don’t know the situation with this neighbour though do we

I’ve tried being the neighbour in these circumstances- I know, by now the trauma of living with this has probably led to the neighbour being involuntarily hyper vigilant so 70% noise reduction is probably not going to be enough to solve the issue now, although might have been enough if in place at the beginning.,

I can’t imagine moving with an autistic child isn’t easy at all, but I don’t think there is realistically going to be an alternative-it’s likely that staying in this house is going to result in increasingly difficult relationships with the neighbours. It would be better to start fresh somewhere new.

They were cautioned by the police for harassment and as I said, the landlord caught them lying and never gave them them the time of day again. I'm 100% certain it's exactly as I remember.

The same can also be said about your theory that OP's neighbour just happened to accidently think she heard OP's son swearing when it couldn't possibly have happened.

That doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening here - and in your own case might not have been exactly as you remember - your old neighbours might recall something differently- and that’s the point