Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

I think some would have us believe that people who aren’t mentioning it are just politely in their houses quivering and avoiding telling us to ostracise our kids.

I choose to believe they’re either genuinely not bothered, or empathetic enough to think “Christ, that sounds difficult,” and then leave it there.

I haven't had any issues with my son and neighbours either.

Funnily enough, the only issue I ever had with a neighbour was before he became disabled.

I'm not. I would be if she had handled it differently such as attempting to communicate with OP at all. Not even apologising when she was told that actually, the child next door can't talk if it was indeed just misheard as you insist but nothing except for running to the HA. She doesn't even collect her own packages when OP takes them in for her.

Maybe, however we’ve lived in 2 houses with this kid now and had absolutely no issues. So perhaps the level of bothered, or level of response to that bothered, varies.

A quiet place without it would really benefit those who find it so unbearable, right?

Are you sympathetic to the NDN at all. Given posters experiences on here she is likely very vulnerable to, vulnerable to mental breakdown, possible suicide (as several poster now have said they’ve been left suicidal in such circumstances) the NDN is in her own with two children who are being sleep deprived, whose school work is probably suffering. She is probably unable to move because it costs thousands, prob over £10 k to move. Are you sympathetic to her vulnerability?

But that would involve nearly everyone, nearly everyone would be driven mad by being woken at 4am shouting and screaming in the garden for several hours a day. So basically that “commune” would house the vast majority of people.

Well, as I’ve already explained in a situation where a person is perceiving aggression then yes, it is most likely a person will hear some of the sounds as abusive language eg swearing. There’s so many experiments out there showing how the human brain will try and recreate recognisable patterns (ie words) out of indistinguishable noises based on either suggestion or overall tone.

OP very clearly said that her child stims when he is happy. You used various different words (including 'behaving badly') to describe it but you were clearly meaning when he stims loudly because that is largely what this thread is about.

I'm not the one who has to think carefully before they post.

I think it's very unlikely OP is even reading now anyway.

What stimming means is not the question here. I offered advice to the OP. I asked a question of the OP.

Please think carefully before you post.

Each special needs child is different. So are professionals and parents towards individual children. What stimming means cannot be the same for every child. Nor did I use that word at all. How can you say I have it wrong if I never used it?

You didn't like my question or advice. What does that matter? You are not the OP. I have looked most carefully, and I cannot see a reply to my post from the OP personally, nor has she indicated that anyone is speaking for her.

You very clearly didn't fully understand what stimming is from your previous comments. You seemed to think OP should talk to her son's school because you assumed that he didn't stim loudly there, you also seemed to assume that he was only stimming at home because something might be physically wrong with him and suggested to put a severely autistic child through a full MRI scan for no real reason other than he stims loudly.

She does need help. Help from those who actually understand her son's disability.

Exactly.

He goes to sleep fine just hates waking up but especially at 3am when he needs to be messed with. Then he has to be up early again for more meds which means waking him again so I completely understand why sometimes he's just had enough and gets very upset in the night.

Like I said, it's easier with my son because he does have full understanding so he isn't going to be asking to see Grandparents in the middle of the night. He's just tired and wants to be left alone which is understandable, me too kid. 😂

I did neither. I gave the OP sound advice on who to contact. Now, when posts like yours are read, it seems as though I was giving the wrong advice, and I was not. You might influence the OP enough to put her off seeking the advice she badly needs from those who can give it professionally.

THAT makes me ask myself if those who are supporting the NDN are personally involved and on the side of that NDN, and have good reason to put the OP off obtaining help.

I strongly advise you not to interfere, and allow the OP to do what she wants to do without you and others putting her off. That is a very dangerous thing to do in this thread.

It is not like someone asking a question about what to wear, or how to deal with a BF or DH, or how to bring up DC. It should not be an argument or debate on hypothetical situations.

It is a thread where a vulnerable mother is seeking help in a very serious situation. If you have been on the receiving end of what NDNs and others are capable of doing to vulnerable people they don't want living next door, you would understand what I am saying. If you knew what people are capable of, you would agree with what I said.

I know what people are capable of, and this poor mother needs help ASAP and your turning her against other posters with experience is highly dangerous.

Nope. I said she should take steps to make it easier for the neighbour (and herself) but not move house.

Her moving is the only thing that would be good enough for some of you, and I don’t advocate that.

Ours goes to sleep with melatonin (usually) and wakes up anywhere between 1am and 3am.

When he first wakes up he greets us. Loudly. Shouts HELLOOOO through the wall. The minute or so it takes to get out of bed and into his room to start resettle him he does that louder, and starts to escalate. I can guarantee it would wake some of the people here up.

If he can’t resettle, he has meltdowns because he wants his grandparents or a playground or his dinner at 2am. Again, that can be managed, but it takes time to calm him.

If anyone here is about to tell me to already be in his bedroom so he doesn’t need to shout - no, because we don’t cosleep. Intentionally.

We’re also not taking him to grandparents at 2am.

We deal with it in the way we deal with it, we know him best, and if his 1am greeting wasn’t for you - he’s still not moving house.

That’s basically what you have been saying. Repeatedly.

My DS can make a lot of noise for SEN reasons, but not as complex or I think as loud as your DS @YourMintReader . I'm heartened by the poster who suggested investigating the possibility of a downstairs bedroom, and I came on to say that I have moved rooms around - not just bedrooms, the bathroom as well - so that the room DS mostly uses (he sleeps in another room) has a wall of cupboards on one side (that I keep stuffed full of duvets and towels, they need somewhere to live so they might as well be useful at the same time!) and the bathroom on another.

If the HA is helping you put a better bathroom option in, is there scope to put that somewhere else and thus reconfigure the entire space, as clearly (and I get it) playing musical bedrooms isn't an option.

Best of luck lovely xx

Exactly.

My son has to be awake for a period in the night because he needs medication, changing and likely various other things. He hates to be woken up but there is no way around it, it has to be done and though he does have understanding that no one wants to hear him crying at 3am, sometimes he cries because he's a kid.

If I had a neighbour talk to me about it, I would happily explain what was going on with him and how I really try and keep it down in the night but sometimes he struggles and it doesn't happen and maybe try and think of other things that could possibly help.

If I had a neighbour run straight to the HA on more than one occasion and lie about my disabled child, I wouldn't much feel like communicating with them at all never mind helping them to find a solution.

It doesn’t “have” to be at all.

In OPs position, if I had a neighbour complaining about the noise from mine and lying about my stepson there is certifiably no way I would move for their benefit. None.

I would move that child for one persons benefit - his. That’s the only reason we moved this time.

I would fight that battle with the HA and anyone else who would listen for the rest of my days before I moved him because you said so. The only way I’d be moving would be if forced.

And tbh, as I’m already used to the noise, if the situation was approached the shitty attitudes we’ve seen here, I wouldn’t even feel obliged to help.

Speak to me, and about my child, like a reasonable adult and we’ll talk. If like OP’s NDN it was approached with actual nonsense, I don’t even think I’d want to find a solution for you.

Listen yourself. The answer has to be to move. Of course it won't be easy, but there must be somewhere, probably with a suitable bedroom not on a party wall, that wouldn't cause this level of torment to the neighbours. She has swapped once, she can do it again. Perhaps the HA could help to identify somewhere.

Listen.

If you have the answer to kids waking up at 4am, share with the group - we’re all ears. ALL ears.

If you don’t (which you don’t), you can’t reasonably expect disabled children and their families to just move out of your way, because we won’t and ultimately don’t have to.

Nobody is unsettling their child for your benefit. Nobody. If they are, they’re doing parenting wrong.

You can spend the next 100 or so posts (I think) saying that you think loud children should just be moved away, and I and others will just keep telling you that isn’t likely to happen.

If you have a more reasonable solution, or an actual answer to stopping the noise and wake ups - I’m sure we’d all love to hear it.

There's a gulf of difference between complete peace and quiet and never being able to sleep past 4am.

But she just misheard him swearing. Of course, out of everything she could've misheard, it had to be abusive language. 🙄

I feel unreasonably impinged by people who lie about disabled children.

I feel unreasonably impinged by people who expect to live in constant peace and quiet.

Maybe they should move.

Easy this isn’t it 😂

Yes I do. Because it's her family and therefore her responsibility to find a solution that doesn't unreasonably impinge on strangers.

Being long term disabled I have found the best carers are men anyway, so your son is getting the best carers, and as you say, they are entitled to a proper bed in their own room.

I feel for you. NDN can be very bad indeed. You don't even have to be severely disabled, or in the position you are to be at the receiving end of tyrannical behaviour.

IF THAT WERE NOT SO why would governments all over the world have to put in place Acts such as Human Rights, Disability Discrimination, race, colour and creed discrimination?

There are laws, because it is the only way to control the tempers of those who are hell bent on opposing anyone they think should not be living, especially not living near them. Hitler killed thousands of disabled children and adults as well as the ethnic cleansing of other races. Millions of men and women died fighting for their rights in two world wars, and yet decades later, we are still having to pass laws against discrimination and cruelty.

I hope you are able to write to the EASS for advice on your rights. You have the same rights to live in peace and enjoy your home as anyone.

I advise you to do that. My neighbour has spent years trying to make me leave my house and no matter what they do, I will not. Neither should you. Your son is vulnerable: so are you. Get the right sort of help soon.