Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

You need to move him rooms. It doesn't matter that it's just a box room (or move him into the other room), you can't keep doing this to your neighbour.

Christ. I can't believe some of the responses here.
OP I really feel for you, you are doing so well caring for your son, and you've clearly already got things working as well as they can.

You've already considered all options with rooms etc. No, you shouldn't have to move.

Leave space for hope that things might improve for you in future. Your son might develop in a different way and this could one day be a distant memory.
It must be constant added stress to think of your neighbour complaining when you can't do anything about it. Would you consider dropping a letter round just saying you are aware it must be hard for her, that you're doing all you can to minimise any impact on neighbours, and also that you're going to ask OT about soundproofing? She might be more understanding if she knows you're trying your best. Or maybe not, but you can't control her reactions.
You could also tell HA that you think you need a detached house due to impact on neighbours, if you want, then maybe one will come up in future. Less stress for you in a detached.
It's not your fault

I don’t get the posters saying ‘get a detached house with a big garden’. Life ain’t that easy especially as the OP is in HA housing! It’s hard enough if you’re able to buy. If she’s got a child with disabilities and can’t afford to buy, of course she should have the stability and affordability of social housing, as those housing providers are generally more sympathetic than private landlords.

Could you save up for some acoustic panels on the party walls , it might cut the noise down a bit .

And the neighbour really really doesn’t want your kid waking her and her kids up at 4.30 am

as I said in my initial post which I truly do have sympathy for you but it’s becoming increasingly difficult with the can’t to every suggestion perhaps given his violence, residential care would be helpful for you both

you’re exhausted understandably and you need to take care of yourself too as well as keeping yourself safe. Perhaps in this really difficult time residential care with some time at home will help you enormously

is it possible that your neighbour could complain to environmental health or take it further with the Housing association? If it is from 4:30 am then that could be seen as unsocial due to the hours if the noise is loud enough and you or the HA could be forced to take some action (which might be to move, I suppose, if there genuinely is absolutely nothing you can do to minimise the noise). Is there any way to look at soundproofing his room? Not sure if there could be grants available or not, but possibly worth considering? Or you will just have to put up with her complaining to you, the HA etc. I don’t see that you can stop her from complaining, given she has an understandable reason to. I think you may need to look at trying to find a detached property, if at all possible (I’m well aware not easy to do).

However much I sympathise that it is not be your fault that your son is doing this, I do feel more sympathy for you neighbour. Surely you can see why your neighbour is struggling and complaining? I would take it as far as I could in her position- I might feel sorry for you but, equally, it is not at all reasonable to be waking her/everyone in her home at 4:30am on a very regular basis.

What’s the plan in the future?

If he’s 9 now, and the care company think he needs exclusive care by men, and he’s beating you up so badly… realistically, is home care going to remain possible?

Surely you can’t spend forever being beaten up, bruised and bitten, and he’s only going to get stronger; let alone the impact of 4 hours sleep a night

Considering this, I wouldn’t move.

I would look into adding soundproofing though just to make everyone’s lives more manageable. 4:30am is admitted far too early, it would drive me insane.

If he wakes up at 4.30 and so do you...why don't you move to the 3rd bedroom and snooze while he is doing his thing?

I know it's not your fault but it's definitely not your neighbours problem! I would be desperate in their situation.

Sorry you're getting a hard time OP. It sounds so tough for you and your son and the neighbour is an extra worry. Can't believe some of these replies. I don't have anything productive to say other than big hugs you must be exhausted.

There's a garden that backs onto our garden where a child that I am fairly sure has special needs is let out to scream every time the weather is nice. It's a pitch and volume that goes right through you and there is nowhere I can go in my home where I can get away from it. Earplugs don't work. Headphones don't work. It has not got better over the years as the child has grown, it has only got louder and more prolonged. It puts you constantly on edge, and I dread to think how the next door neighbours cope if the child is also doing it indoors. I haven't heard it yet this spring, so I hope they've finally moved.

Whether or not you move, I think if a stim is self-destructive, or damaging to other people, you have to work on it. My brother is autistic and used to repeatedly bang his head against walls (he also used to bite my mother and I until one day I bit him back and he never did it again - don't flame me I was very young). My parents couldn't take the stance that "He can't help it", and "There's nothing we can do" for my brother's own safety, so whilst it was a job to stop him doing it, they persevered.

Get the sofa bed, when the carer is over they get your bed and you create the space in the 3rd room for your son away from the neighbours wall.

why won’t this work?

Are you for real??

Precisely. It’s like the neighbour had to push and push, for her to even start thinking about doing something, she wasn’t proactive at all because she evidently doesn’t care.

The neighbour will be thinking you’re not letting me rest so I won’t let you rest (in another way) and the noise complaints will continue. Rightly so too.

And it’s still not clear why the room is “too small” to sit in with the kid at 4.30am for one hour - even if it’s allegedly too small to sleep in there.

I have sympathy for both sides.
As I get older I find noise harder and harder to tolerate and equally sleep harder to come by due to perimenopause so I see why neighbour may be struggling. However see it’s not easy for you either.

Ideally both sides are as considerate as possible, soundproof where possible or arrange furniture/rooms to dull sounds.

If she had no option she should’ve looked into soundproofing ASAP / contacted SS about grants but instead has just left her poor neighbours to get on with it.

I'm gobsmacked at your horrible reply here. Shame on you.

youve not read the FT. The livingroom is away from the adjacent wall so he could be moved there. I believe OP says the son tends to stop screaming at least briefly when he is up and downstairs. But she wont get him up at 4:30 to go downstairs as she’s worried about him breaking ornaments even if he stops screaming.

😂

I know you’ve given many reasons why your son can’t be in a smaller room, but if there is any way to keep the 4.30am wake up screaming to one of the rooms not adjoining your neighbour it might make a big difference.

Can you get the HA to put in sound proofing in the adjoining walls?

This is just a mean reply. And totally unrealistic. I'm imagining op can't just but a lovejoy detached house.