Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

Honestly I think I would definitely look for a move. To have the added stress of my neighbours being driven demented would just be another thing I didn’t need. I’d explain to council and ask for a detached house .

I understand how difficult it must be for you but I’d be so pissed off, frustrated and upset at being woken at 4:30am every morning

Can one of the downstairs rooms be repurposed as his bedroom so at least when he wakes at 4.30am it’s not next to neighbour’s bedroom? I know it’s not your fault or your son’s but I feel sorry for NDN’s teens who must be going to school feeling knackered, particularly the eldest who must be getting ready for GCSEs.

You may be able to get help with sound proofing with a disabled facilities grant if Housing Association can’t help.

But the NDN priority is herself and her family. The situation will probably be having severe effects on her health, her family’s health, school work/work.,

The op needs to mss as he adjustments to ensure the neighbourhoods aren’t disturbed. It’s a difficult situation for her, people can see this, but you as ldd as once to have compassion for the neighbours who are suffering too.

The extreme hyperactivity and running/bouncing, shouting, thumping, will probably make a lot more noise though, in addition to what I’ve said up thread

She did.

My suggestion is heavy floor sound-absorbing mats and tiles for the walls. Check Amazon, "sound proofing".
I might try tacking the sound proofing blankets on the bedroom walls first and tiles to the ceiling as a start.

Moving is tough as it is. You have a lot on your plate. One step at a time. 🩷

Can you go round with a bottle of wine and flowers for a chat? And just say, I appreciate it must be frustrating having to deal with noise. What is bothering you the most? Early mornings or whatever. And then try and work on finding a solution. If that means taking him to another part of the house and not just letting him vocalise loudly alone in his room, or the garden. Obviously I don’t know your son, or his age/needs, but I think there are ways around this and perhaps you could think more laterally about how to do this. I’m sure others on special needs boards could offer helpful suggestions.

She said he would have more physical behaviours but deffo didn’t say he’d be noisier

I’m sorry for the position you’re in but it must be a nightmare for your neighbour, probably getting 5 hours sleep a night ( and presumably her kids are also being woken at that time) this is most likely affecting their school work /her work. If you are letting him play in the garden all evening it means they can’t relax in there’s after work/school. The kids are probably trying to do school work.

your son needs to be in a non-party walled room. As soon as he wakes at 4:30’he needs to go downstairs. he needs to not be screaming and shouting in the garden for hours. Take him to a park.

im sorry, this must be difficult for you, you need to speak to the housing association to try and sort out the issues. Having been in your neighbours shoes this is probably severely affecting her family’s life, physical and mental health.

She has said he would be noisier and she has also said that he would have a lot more excitement and physical behaviours. That's the opposite of regulation.

And if op said he was dysregulated and couldn't be moved I'd agree but she just says it's harder for her to watch him

It astounds me sometimes the limited understanding people have for high needs autism.

The child needs a specialist bed for his safety and to allow his mum to sleep, these can't really be moved once assembled and they're space permitting.

Transitions are hard for many autistic people, even the transition from downstairs to upstairs and vice versa. Sometimes it can be hard to just leave a room. Dysregulated noise is usually much louder, a longer duration and much more complex than vocal stimming.

Not all houses can be soundproofed effectively. Sometimes the soundproofing has to be done in both affected properties to make much difference. Not saying it shouldn't be tried but it's not the foolproof solution that some think it to be.

Bedrooms downstairs aren't the best solution as downstairs rooms often contain more hazards than upstairs rooms such as kitchens with knives, kettles, hobs, microwaves or access to front and back doors and windows which are easy to elope from.

The OP isn't being difficult it is just that many solutions offered aren't practical in real life.

It's not really fair to suggest this child can't access his garden, we have moved a long way from shutting our autistic children away so they can't be seen or heard.

It's barely survival mode when you're consistently not getting more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and respite care is truly a postcode lottery.

I wouldn't want to be the NDN in this case but someone is going to have to be OPs NDN. The NDN has been vitriolic in fabricating situations that haven't happened, and has not been factual in their complaints. Sometimes complaints are needed to get the ball rolling for certain support to be offered but outright lying and refusing to collaborate on a solution is disgusting behaviour.

It's a situation where if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem and if there is to be any meaningful solution the neighbour is going to have to accept and tolerate that the OPs sons behaviour can't change, there are very limited environmental changes that can be made in OPs property and they'll have to work together towards a solution if they're both to remain in those properties.

Melatonin is fab. I use it as an adult on the spectrum and it’s been life changing.

Can you have his bedroom downstairs if he needs the space and the living room one of the bedrooms.. that way if he starts making noise at 4.30am he is not near the neighbours room?

So I have a 7 yr old, our problem isn't early rising it's late sleeping, without melatonin up until he was 6 bedtime was often after midnight (despite a rock solid bedtime routine before any starts and his 3 yr old sister has the same routine and goes to sleep in half an hour) and he'd be screaming and tantrumminb from frustration at being overtired and unable to sleep. Melatonin saved our existence.

However, I survived on 2-3 hours broke sleep a night until that point. I didn't keep him screaming in his bedroom for hours. If there had been anywhere in the house he'd be happy I'd have utilized it and I'd rather have been attacked and frequently was by my very tall and well built child, than keep the street awake.

You need to take him downstairs, set him up for the day etc.we would walk the dog late at night with our son to calm him, I'd have him up and on a park by 7am when at his most hyperactive, we use late night as sessions at the local trampoline park, I'd absolutely rather set up water play at 4am than have him screaming the house down.

He's your child, your responsibility and that includes keeping yourself safe from being bitten at 4.30am and drowsy rather than having him scream the house down. I get how awful it is but you need to find solutions that as much as possible don't impact others where they could instead impact you. As long as your child needs are met.

I just want to add to my previous post to say I completely agree with other PP’s that you definitely shouldn’t move. You have every right to live wherever you want. My suggestion was just to try and make neighbourly relations better as being in a war with your NDN is probably just adding to your stress levels.

You need to look at soundproofing your house. Anything else is unreasonable. Your neighbour must be losing her damn mind. I'd hate that.

I absolutely understand that the OP is doing everything she can and the situation is very difficult. But being unhappy being woken at 430, even by a child, doesn’t make someone ‘horrible and selfish’

If you're autistic, surely you are aware that autism is a huge spectrum and that the OP's son is not going to be exactly like you?

Gosh, I really feel for you. My best friend is in a similar situation but she owns her house as does her neighbour and neither of them are going to move any time soon so they just scowl at each other.

I’ll give you the same advice as I did my friend (although my friend hasn’t taken it!).

If I were you I’d go over with a bottle of wine when the respite carers are in and try and explain the situation and what your life is like and say you completely understand why living next door to you isn’t a walk in the park and are completely open to suggestions to improve the situation.

At the end of the day there is nothing you can do to change your son, if you could, you would have for your own sake never mind your neighbours.

But maybe if she had better insight she may have more compassion. Maybe she thinks that at 4:30am you are fast asleep which is why he’s bouncing off the walls. Perhaps she thinks he’s loud in the garden as you are chilling watching TV from your bed. And just maybe if you explain what your life looks like, her resent may dissipate. She may come up with minor suggestions you haven’t thought of that would go a little way to making her life easier living next door.

I don’t think you have anything to lose.

This is an awful situation for all involved and I hope that OT are able to offer some support. I feel for your neighbours though just as your home should be your safe haven theirs should be too and they are likely struggling with working and school after such disturbed sleep as well as feeling stressed by the noise. I feel it’s unfair to expect them to move they chose the house because it met their needs and perhaps they don’t want to be forced to move, maybe they can’t afford to sell and move. While she may not have gone about it in the right way she is not unreasonable to approach the HA to highlight the issues affecting her and her children’s wellbeing and ask for solutions to be considered

I f i was you neighbour op it would not bother me one bit.
My own neighbour has screaming fits at any given time day and night early morning just anytime.
Screaming banging swearing shouting just loud you can hear it out side in side.
But my neighbour can not help it so i just get on with my own life and dont judge them.
It dont bother me if im woken at stupid aclock in the morning or through the nights with a melt down i just think oh dear i hope they are ok.
Its a sad world that people seem judge others far to much without even understanding them first.

God this thread is awful. OP, you’ve been very patient. I’d stop engaging if I were you at this stage.

1. no, don’t move. I’m not sure where you thought to move to anyway but as you say, detached housing association houses suitable for your son’s needs are not exactly numerous. Kindly, anywhere you move to you’re going to have the same problem.
2. You’re going to have to develop a thick(er) skin (in your position I’m sure it’s already pretty thick). The neighbour will complain, the HA will contact you, you will explain, and round and round we go. Yes it’s shit for your neighbour. No there’s nothing you can do about it. If the HA are worried, maybe they will magic up that detached house in a middle of a field for you.
3. Do look into sound proofing as the one sensible suggestion on this thread (What’s with all the focus on bedrooms? I’m sorry, and again kindly, with this level of need I doubt it’ll make that much difference if he’s in the bedroom or downstairs. Where are all the suggestions for the neighbour, who I assume doesn’t have a 7k specialist bed, to move bedrooms?)

You’re doing an amazing job OP. That you’re even considering that it’s up to you to move houses at this stage says a lot about you as a person. I’m sorry for everything you have to deal with. I hope you read this message, and the others that are supportive, but I also hope you disengage with this thread because I doubt it’s adding anything positive to your life.