Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

OP, I am so sorry you’ve received such awful responses - MN is sadly not a safe place to post about neurodiversity or special needs.

Yep, my eldest once things get incendiary I take him outside. Because walking calms him. I've taken him and the dog and the baby in the pram at 10pn when he was 5.

I think most people do understand, but are also seeing the POV of the neighbour.

Do you have near neighbours whose sleep is being disturbed every day?

This tbh is what I do with my child with additional needs. I don't care what time of day it is, once the meltdown hits the point of no return, I pop her in the bath with a bubble machine.
I sympathise with the exhaustion, it's hard functioning with chronic sleep deprivation. Do you think a routine of bath straight away in morning would help? With mine, it's easier to monitor them in the bath then a whole room.

Moving i don't think will help, this issue will follow you wherever you go. I've never seen a detached house pop up on the bidding website in my area..

I would definitely aim for soundproofing, there are a few cost effective options, where they measure sheets that stick to the wall. This would be my point of call, if you don't feel on edge about their noise you will feel much more relaxed. I found it harder to deescalate my LO as I got so paranoid about disturbing the neighbours, it ironically made the meltdowns worse as I wasn't 100% present and they are so sensitive to your stress or anxiety.
Turned out our neighbour is deaf 😅 so she was lovely about it and not effected. Phew.

There is obviously, blind and curtains, cushions, carpets and rugs. I use blackout blinds with curtains as I found blacking out the room helped her sleep longer. We did get away aswell with moving her room once we found out which one was the neighbours.
I also take her downstairs during night meltdowns, but i invested in a sofa bed so in particular bad nights when it's all nighter screams we can crash out there.

Obviously though it's dependent on behaviour and safety as during bad periods I know we had to have an empty room filled with mattresses due to the self injury aspect in meltdowns.

OP I feel for you, my little boy is exactly the same. Screams all times of day, doing anything or nothing, reading, falling to sleep, playing, bouncing on the trampoline, walking, eating, anything. I made a post about it recently as I wasn’t sure how to navigate it but a lot of people commented some children with ASD do infact, just scream, however hard I try and curb it.

You’re doing the best you can. And as OP pointed out, although you can be as considerate as possible, your child is your priority. And should remain so. Well done and don’t be so hard on yourself. Some of these comments are enraging to read as they really don’t understand.

No one understands until you’re in their shoes. Just try all you can.

can you not read? She cannot get him to be quiet in the same way you cannot get a baby with colic to be quiet. They dont have the understanding. Also in what way would a bath even help?
a) baths are noisy. Imagine the noise at 4:30!
b) baths only last an hour max. Not sure they are going to be happier with 5:30
c) it isnt safe for OP’s son as OP with not be able tp safely supervise him as she will be sleep deprived.
it makes be so angry that everyone acts like they’re inclusive and accepting of autistic people until the more severe cases. Unfortunately you cannot discipline the autism out of them

Maybe move his bedroom downstairs to the lounge?

I have a heart and sympathy for you but the screaming needs managing. Screaming induces stress in people hence the reaction from your ndn.

Try your best at what? Being an insufferable, selfish arse?

I feel for OP because she’s in an impossible situation as you’re not exactly offered a catalogue to pick houses from, but not coping with being woken up at 4:30 am isn’t a “dated opinion”. The neighbours must be exhausted.

What about making wake up time bath time? If he's calm in the bath?

So you work? The only reason I'm asking is you say he's at school a fair chunk of the day and you're there to take parcels in? So if you're not working you can catch up on sleep in the day?

Why can he not go in your room or another room away from where your neighbour is sleeping? I think if I were her, that’s what would be upsetting me. That you aren’t even trying to compromise. Your attitude is. Hey ho. You are in a tough situation but you are putting someone else in one too by simply not putting a bit of effort in.

These noise threads make me so happy I live in the countryside, detached as people aren’t willing to help their neighbours out by being more thoughtful.

Of course that’s her NDN priority - she won’t find a solution in making lies up about a disabled child.

There are adjustment, such as soundproofing, that OP can try. There are some that will make hers and her son’s situation even worse, and those ones aren’t possible or shouldn’t be tried.

My DSs went to sleep at 10:30pm. He’s awake now, and has been for about 20mins. There is categorically no way on planet earth we’d take him downstairs and start the day now, it’s just a ludicrous idea. It could be a very long night of keeping him calm and settled until he goes to school.

Believe me, I’m aware how difficult it is being woken up by a noisy disabled child. For both OP and her NDN.

My assumption is that it’s easier to get back to sleep when you’re not responsible for resettling or managing the behaviour of that child.

We can’t just make these kids be quiet. It’s a process and it takes time. If the noise and wakefulness could be easily stopped, we would have by now. Nobody’s encouraging this, are they - surely.

There’s a limit to what people can do, and actively starting their day in the middle of the night, when those days are already challenging, just isn’t a possibility.

Wow! Just Wow! For some one with autism you're obviously not aware / seeing the complexities that some children with autism have.
I've taught many children with autism and some have a good grasp of expectations, some have been non verbal and some have been in their in their own world with very little recognition/interaction of others around them.
To assume it's down to bad parenting, is totally disrespectful and pretty dreadful to be honest and diminishes this young lads needs. You can't teach a disability out of someone! The fact you jumped on this path says a lot about you.

OP it's not a great situation for either you or your neighbour but please don't be chased away. You are working so hard for uour son. He has very specific needs and this home / location works well for you. You have documentation and proof of his disabilities, (the fact you have a room for respite carers speaks volumes ) which the housing team will have to acknowledge if she complains again.
You could speak to the housing team so they are fully aware of the extent of his needs and how this presents for your DS, which could hopefully reduce the complaints you hear about.

You sound pretty unpleasant and totally lacking in empathy.

Is it worth applying for funding for a) soundproofing b) sleep help via a charity ?
https://www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/grants-for-families/

Also would blackout blinds + blackout curtains help ?

I feel bad for you and the neighbour. It’s a really difficult situation.

I don't think you should have to move if you don't want to, @YourMintReader . However, having lived next door to someone with a penchant for complaining about everything and anything I do to my LL and the local council, I would consider it in your shoes. Neighbours like that can make your life a living hell, and you've enough to put up with by the sounds of it without the added stress of living next door to a tosser.

I know you've said you can't guarantee your next neighbors won't be the same, but I do think the majority of adults are understanding and kind. We have an autistic neighbour. Their house is not attached to ours, their garden backs onto mine, but I work nights sometimes, so daytime noise can bother me. I also cannot sleep with the window closed due to asthma and allergies, so I can hear the early morning screaming to,o and it does wake me up.

I won't lie and say it doesn't annoy me. It does, the same way the birds annoy me when they wake me up. I would never complain. I understand it is no one's fault. I also get a lot of happiness from living next to them. The noise isn't always screaming, sometimes it is laughing or shrieking with joy. Sometimes I can hear his parents laughing and playing with him. It always makes me smile.

In your position, I would definitely ask for a move to a more suitable property. While I know you are in a hard situation, I do have sympathy with the NDN. It's just not acceptable to be woken at 4.30am every day for an indefinite period of time. A baby is a passing thing, there's no end in sight for your neighbour who could face years of this. Your neighbour's needs and health matter as much as yours. I would honestly just look for something that will eliminate this issue, rather than moving somewhere where it will just impact different neighbours, because that will also make your life a lot easier in turn.

MIL and FIL live next door to a child who sounds similar to yours, luckily they’re both deaf and refuse to wear their hearing aids, so she got lucky. However, when she moved in she went round and explained to them that her son has SEN and she also gave them some earplugs. I don’t think you should move. I think you and your son have every right to be there, but maybe go round and explain to her what’s going on and offer some ear plugs (decent ones)? I feel for her, especially because one of her kids is exam age, but at the same time your son can’t help it.

I understand how difficult it must be and that your DS can’t help it, however I have disabilities, too, and if I was being woken up at 4.30am every morning I’d end up in hospital. DH wouldn’t be able to do his job either, so I have a lot of sympathy for your NDN. I hope you manage to get the sound proofing sorted out.

I have just posted something very similar to this on a thread and I got hounded for letting my child me loud in my garden .

do what’s best for you and your children that’s all that matters ! Don’t let her dated opinions affect you. Although easier said than done as I just cried at the abuse I got on my thread for similar x

Move him downstairs?