Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

But she does have to as she is ruining someone else's life. If I were that neighbour I'd be suicidal and would do everything I could to get them moved away from me and my family somehow.

They need to be moved to a property where a suitable bedroom for the child is as far as possible from any neighbours. A granny annexe type thing for example. No one can be expected to tolerate this, regardless of it being a shit situation and not done deliberately, it's still making life intolerable for another family.

I’m not berating her, I appreciate it’s a tough situation all round, but she seems very unwilling to acknowledge the impact this is having on her neighbour and I strongly disagree with people who think the neighbour should just suck it up.

Do you have a solution or just the obvious fact that nobody (including OP) wants to be awake at 4am 😂

She can’t just shut him up, or relocate to Saturn. The kid exists, he is loud, it is difficult. She’s said she’ll look at soundproofing; I’m not sure what else anybody wants.

Again, what do you propose she does?

Instead of berating her and making her feel like shit for something she’s already clearly struggling with, why not give her some constructive advice or a solution?

But that’s genuinely not the neighbours problem? Everyone is entitled to peace in their own space, especially at 4:30am!

I was about to make the same point. You have been through so much, OP. I know counselling might seem just another thing to arrange and fit into your life, but I think you really need support for you. Remember that you are very important too.

It’s not easy to move an autistic child. I wouldn’t personally do it unless I had to, which OP doesn’t IMO.

He’s also likely just out at school the normal amount. Same as other people’s kids. It won’t be “a lot.” Might not even be full hours.

In that time, household tasks and sorting things out from the chaos needs to happen. Which I know they do for everyone, but you’re likely not doing your food shop on 2hrs sleep.

It really is debilitating, and makes everyday jobs much, much harder.

I do work FT, but I can guarantee you that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend 6hrs in bed. Those hours aren’t available.

The things others do while their kids are entertaining themselves, or are playing, don’t happen when my DSs is at home because they can’t. They all fit in when he isn’t. Which as I said, is difficult to do when you’re exhausted.

What compromise do you propose? OP’s child is severely disabled to the point that he is non-verbal and cannot be left unattended while awake.

I know you say that you’re tired etc, but can you really not see why your neighbour is annoyed at being woken up at 4:30am? They’re probably also very tired and trying to live their life on limited sleep and have had their lives significantly disrupted. I’m not saying they’ve gone about things in the best way, but surely you can understand that some compromise is needed?

OP doesn't need a detached house perhaps, but definitely does need one where her dc can have a bedroom in a room not adjacent to the house next door.
HA should have taken that on board before they moved the family into non suitable accommodation.

I feel for both sides, but it is obviously much easier for OP to move than next door family, who must be absolutely beside themselves. The costs of selling, buying, redecorating alone runs into tens of thousands, and why on earth should they have to do this anyway? And once complaints about neighbour noise are factored in, they would have trouble selling too. In effect, their house has been devalued.

The little boy does seem to be out at lot at school, so I guess if OP could cut her work hours she could catch up on sleep then. It's terribly hard, but it's only going to get harder quite quickly as time goes on.

I don't think ignoring neighbours and hoping they shut up is the answer, and I imagine it would have to be very comprehensive sound proofing to work as a long term solution.

That is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Have you been able to access counselling? I had counselling when my son almost died several times due to prolonged seizures. It helped I didn't think it would but it did, the practicalities of caring for him didn't improve but my ability to navigate it and maintain some semblance of mental health definitely improved.

I agree with this! My 13 year old is non verbal and the loudest person I know. We’re in an end of terrace and our neighbours tell us they never hear anything and apologise to us about their dog barking in the night! (I know they must be lying. We don’t go outside between 8.30 am and 9 pm but even inside the houses there’s no way they won’t hear him shout and stim etc). All these people saying you should keep him quiet are obviously being ridiculous and wilfully ignorant - as if it were that easy! Point is, my neighbours don’t complain because they can see we try our best to minimise disruption to them and are having to work incredibly hard to support our son and create a happy safe home for his sister too, and they’re not dicks, I reckon they bought ear plugs and crack on. Sorry your neighbour isn’t like that but how lovely that her kids seem more understanding!
only thing I can suggest would be hanging out in the box room for a bit with him in the early morning? Have a few of his things in there so he can potter about for half an hour but it’s not on the same side of the house as the adjoining wall?

Has OP cancelled the cheque moved her son's specialist bed into a room it won't fit in yet?

OP - keep pursuing soundproofing. Speak to the HA and your local authority. If needs be, engage your MP to assist. You could also try disability charities - NAS, Scope etc. You may be able to access a grant/financial assistance towards this. You may also be able to get some moral support from the disability charities.

NRTFT as so long
I wouldn’t move, the area is perfect for you and your son bar the neighbour.
Can you put sound insulation panels on the adjoining wall?
Theyre not cheap but maybe the HA might help ir possibly a grant from the council or a charity?

Very difficult situation for both you and your neighbour. You're neighbour is probably going crazy with lack of sleep. I think your dc should be taken downstairs when they wake at 4:30 - this is something you can do, also not sure of your bedroom set upon but his bedroom should be as far away from the party wall as possible, I know things are hard for you but if you can't stop your ds screaming and you don't want to move you need to minimise the impact as much as possible.

Tell you what.

You spend the next 9 years getting between 2-4hrs sleep a night and then come back and tell OP how safe you’re able to keep someone in a bath at 4am. Or inclined you are to get bitten, start your day or run round the house at 4am.

She’s not lazy, she’s exhausted.

Clueless. And until you’re not, don’t be so vile.

Attacked by a disabled child making noises?

Nobody is saying it’s easy, or they enjoy being awake at 4am, but attacked is a bit far.

What changes do you propose she makes when she’s running on 4 hours sleep a night and can’t leave her son unattended for even a minute?

Step up. Put more effort in. However much effort you're putting in, it's not enough. Stop the excuses

Did you mean to sound so unfathomably horrible?

People do understand how difficult it is but also understand that the neighbour must be driven to breaking point over this. The only person who can do anything here is the OP. She needs to recognise that things will have to change. Soundproofing, moving rooms, being more on the noise, not using the garden and going to open spaces instead.

No one is saying it’s not difficult but, having been in the neighbours position the neighbour probably feels under constant attack

While I can empathise with the neighbour, her lies are not acceptable. I understand she is frustrated with the noise but telling lies to deliberately cause trouble for the OP.

You have to move rooms OP. Leaving the majority of his things in your room, has your DS got an ipad and headphones? Maybe he can watch it for a few hours when he wakes, distracting him is your only option.

Most probably; but I try my very best to be as accommodating as I can in MY home. I don’t let him out too early at the weekend, he’s never doing it late at night. We have a trampoline so he loves the garden, and it is my house as much as theirs is theirs. I waited until 10.30am last weekend to let him out but I heard people mowing their gardens and using power tools at 9.30/10am so some people aren’t that considerate.

we can only all do our best.