Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

I don’t think that’s the case at all. Would you honestly be ok with being woken at 4.30 every morning and then going to work and your children going to school? Having constant screaming and banging, the tension would be intolerable. I could not safely do my job with sustained poor rest and those children will be at exam age soon. This is not about being kind it’s about having a quality of life and meeting the needs of all those involved.

I was mainly referring to all the shitty comments on here when I talked about people being dicks.

Do you think then that in situations where nothing can be done (as in OP's case) those that are impacted should accept it; that their own homes are no longer the place of refuge they should be?

Would my attitude be horrific if I found it so frustrating that I felt forced to move?

The neighbour isn't being a dick. She's complaining to the HA to try to get something done - as would anyone in that situation.

It’s okay to find it in intolerable. It’s not okay to be a dick about it.

But what, realistically, do you think OP can do about it? She is running on four hours sleep a night, is a single parent to a child who can’t be left unattended while awake and obviously can’t work and doesn’t have any spare cash.

All the comments banging on about how shit it is for the neighbours - OP isn’t an idiot - she knows how shit it is, but none of it is her fault and it’s not as if she can just tell her child to pack it in or he won’t get an ice cream later.

Threads like this remind me of why I would never, ever post on here got advice about disabilities or neurodiversity. The ignorance is absolutely horrific and people’s attitudes are even worse.

Would you really be kind and understanding about not being allowed to sleep past 4.30am, every single day? You may well be understanding, and even kind to the neighbour, but you would still find it intolerable particularly if it affects your children and their exams. And I'm pretty sure you'd be pursuing every avenue to make it stop.

I do think most adults are kind and understanding.
I think most would also become less kind and understanding if their own sleep and that of their families was disrupted every single night, regardless of the reason.
My son is doing his GCSEs at the moment. I would find it very frustrating if he was being woken at 4.30am every day.

Based on a lot of replies on this thread, I would like to retract my previous assertion that most adults are kind and understanding. Clearly, most adults are tossers like your neighbour.

I do think most people at least pretend to be kind and understanding to your face.

Firstly, explore if you can get a more suitable property where your son's condition won't be making the neighbour's life hellish.

Failing that

1. move your son to the detached side of the house (I.e. the bedroom with the most external walls) And
2. get sound proofing put in
3. Do anything else reasonably possible to mitigate the noise transmission e.g. carpets, furnishings, soft wall hangings. White noise(?), etc, etc, etc
4. I know you're doing everything to help your son's condition but maybe see if you can get more help on this specific issue (screaming from 4.30 am each day). This is making life hell for you & hellish for your poor neighbour's also.

Good luck, that's a very tough life & situation to be dealing with, I really hope you find some help & solutions.

What a difficult situation for OP and the neighbours.

OP l: are there any suggestions in the quoted post which might help.

I also second previous suggestions of trying to speak to your neighbour, explain the situation, ask for any suggestions she might have, and keep her updated re soundproofing etc. This is really difficult and stressful for both of you, but being at loggerheads is only going to make the stress worse.

At the end of the day, perhaps the only real solution will be a move for you to another HA property with a large room for your DS which is not on an adjoining wall but I imagine that could take a long time to achieve.

In the meantime, I think you need your neighbour to know that you are doing everything you can possibly do to minimise disturbance to her and her children

I don't think anyone is doubting how hard it is. I can't even imagine. But it shouldn't become the neighbours' problem.

I’m shocked by the number of people who are saying the neighbour needs to tolerate this situation and not complain. The OP states her day cannot start at 04.30 but in all likelihood the neighbour’s day is and she then has to go to work. Does the noise and banging continue in the evening once the OPs son is home from school? This neighbour has seen her home life massively disrupted and she is expected to just accept that? While her methods are not acceptable in her position I would be contacting the HA to ensure all possible options for allocating the OP and her son a more suitable property were explored and if this was not possible or a wait was expected then the OP should be supported to make adaptations to her current home to minimise the disruption.
I am not blaming the OP she is working incredibly hard to care for her son and she deserves to live free of the stress and worry this situation is causing for both families

I would encourage people to watch this:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

To give you an idea of hard it is with a child who has autism and can be violent

I'm surprised, unless you mean upstairs flat neighbours? I'm in a 1890s terrace and don't hear anything at all - unless they are having a full on NYE party, in which case I hear muffled music (I've actually complained it's not loud enough - they have great taste in music 😁)

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. My child is autistic and severe end as well but not like that in terms of biting etc. Hopefully it gets better as he gets older x

Perhaps both houses could move their furniture around if not already done so ie wardrobes on adjoining walls in both houses. As the neighbour I’d be tempted to put some sort of soundproofing on my side. No it’s not my responsibility but OP cannot silence her child.

As it's an HA property I don't think we can blame the OP. HAs don't give much choice do they? I have no idea how HA moves work actually, but it's got to be more limited than buying. I can only imagine the HA didn't realise the full extent of the likely impact on neighbours. Edited to say I've just realised it was a swap. HAs don't have any control over swaps then?

OP - where were you before and how was that? You've been asked a few times and I haven't seen an answer. If the previous place didn't have these issues then, firstly, why move? And secondly it shows that solutions can be found with the right property. Again edited to say I see previous neighbours didn't complain. That's astonishing. In what way was the property/set up different to this one?

I have lived in two Victorian properties that had no sound-proofing - our current one 1850 terrace...we hear the neighbours moving around, hoovering etc and their weekly argument - which is usually a corker.

Yes, because single parents of severely disabled children have loads of spare cash lying around to soundproof homes they don’t even own 🙄

Even the neighbours who didn't say anything and tried to make you feel better will be crawling the walls with the noise - so don't bet on the "nice neighbours" really not minding - they mind just as much they are just too polite to say and the impact this is having on them is not ok.

I think going to a local charity for funding for sound proofing might help - whatever you do you can't do nothing and just expect your neighbours to be nice and just suck it up because your son can't help it.

Do you get a kick out of being so unpleasant?

I feel for your neighbours, nobody should have to put up with screaming at 4 in the morning. You knew these houses were new builds and therefore the walls would be paper thin, you have created this issue.

Perhaps she could find the soundproofing herself if the OT is taking a while, for a start.