Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

Maybe the neighbour doesn't understand the property layout constraints, so hasn't considered that she can also move furniture, maybe she hasn't tried earplugs out of sheer stubbornness and just wants to kick an isolated, depleted mum while she's already down because she's a bully and that's why she won't cooperate.

I am not sure trying the make the situation the neighbour's fault - when really it is not - is going to help anyone.

Accusing someone to be a bully because they are not accepting to be awaken by screams at 4:30 every morning? That's ridiculous.

I wish I could say this thread has been eye opening but my eyes were already open to hatred and misunderstanding of ND people on here.

that's very unfair.

It's not hatred to say that it's just not possible to live next to a neighbour like this.
What about another NT child being awaken by screaming? Would that be manageable for that family? Of course not.
People are exhausted, they snap.

The OP has limited options, but stating that the neighbour should be accepting because she takes a few parcels is not helping.

Not wanting to have carers sleep in your bed? of course not. But then make that bed the carer's bed.

Something needs to be done urgently, it's just not working in this set-up. If the neighbours are at the end of their patience and decide to retaliate with noise, we can imagine the chaos.

I wish I could say this thread has been eye opening but my eyes were already open to hatred and misunderstanding of ND people on here.

What a tricky situation you are in OP and I really feel for you and your neighbour. My neighbours have never once complained about noise but I stress constantly about any noise my NT kids are making (to the point of wanting to move also) so to actually have had complaints must be awful.

No one wants to be woken early by a neighbours child screaming and it must be so frustrating for them and if they have a similar level of understanding of neurodiversity as people on this forum then they probably wonder why you don’t just tell him to be quiet. If you’re saying his equipment won’t fit in any other room then I don’t know what you can do. Soundproofing doesn’t always even work as sound travels through the floor too.

You can’t just magic up a detached house to live in which is what you need really as this could just happen again elsewhere.

Absolutely this.

It would also be unbearable for my own children, and I am afraid my first priority is them. We cannot function at all on so little sleep.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason.

May I ask why you moved? And what was the set up like in your previous home?

And why should anyone?
This would drive me insane!

And no, things aren’t to such a degree that I will consider residential care yet. I feel I can go on given appropriate respite and school time —residential care was threatened by me to even achieve this level of respite in the first place

I won't comment on residential care as I don't know about it, but you do say that you feel you are able to care for your son because you get some respite when he's at school and other respite times.

What does this mean? Because you say you're surviving on 3 to 4hrs sleep. That's not sustainable.

Because the OP has already stated that taking him downstairs will create more noise and activity and violence.

I don't know if you've ever had one of those mornings where you're so tired you find it really difficult to come around, but when you're consistently getting poor sleep it is like that every day. You physically can not force yourself into action. You aren't alert. You can't risk assess properly. You can't take your loud, energetic, boisterous child into a space where there are more risks to himself and others when you are chronically sleep deprived and your every single waking moment you're in fight or flight mode because you've got to always be ready to anticipate unpredictable behaviour.

I do feel sorry for the neighbours because it is clearly impacting them too but taking him downstairs is not a solution.

Going downstairs is a signal that the day is starting, and that means it's OK to start spinning and flapping and put the tv on and jump on sofas or go in the garden and play with toys that can be loud or hard that make noises when dropped or thrown, or go to the shops, and so many other things that cause noise, and when you can't go in the garden like you want to because its 4:30 in the morning, or you can't play with your toy that repeats loud repetitive sentences because it's 4:30 in the morning, or you can't have the tv on at the volume you want it because it's 4:30 in the morning or you can't go to the shop because it's closed because it's 4:30 in the morning then as a high needs autistic person with little to no concept of time that can be extremely upsetting and aggravating and you might just feel like the only thing you can do is yell and shout and throw things and hit and kick and bite and I can't see the NDN being happy if the walls were shaking with things hitting it or the screams were louder, or the OP raises her voice, or doors started being slammed, or things got broken either.

I've said in another post I don't think the NDN was wrong to complain, sometimes it's needed but she was wrong to create complete fabrications. It's disgusting, ableist, combative and ridiculous. There's no reason the neighbour couldn't have just talked to OP to try and find a solution. Maybe both houses need soundproofing. Maybe the neighbour doesn't understand the property layout constraints, so hasn't considered that she can also move furniture, maybe she hasn't tried earplugs out of sheer stubbornness and just wants to kick an isolated, depleted mum while she's already down because she's a bully and that's why she won't cooperate.

Having lived next to someone who worked nights (so bumbled in loudly at 04:30 every morning for about three years) when I was younger...it's awful. It's not just the lack of sleep that is the problem, it's the anticipation about being woken up (often to the point where you don't sleep at all), the stress that no one is listening to you, and, eventually your mental health. And if the neighbour has teenage children, she's probably thinking about their exams (particularly if one is 15) - because let's be honest, no child is going to be able to revise, or sleep well, and therefore perform their best in exams that do have a huge impact on their future, in these circumstances.

It's crap for OP.

It's crap for her neighbour.

I have no solutions (I ended up moving away from my neighbour to a detached house for this exact reason), but this can't continue.

OP,
as a suggestion
are you (i.e. your ds) eligible for an assistance dog?

I know the thought of looking after another sentient being could stress you now, even reading about it.
However these are very special dogs (in Ireland they're trained by guidedogs for the blind) and friends of mine who had a heavily autistic child said it was an absolute life changer for them.

I'm not certain it would help with the mornings but I'd suspect having a really well trained, calming, lovely natured lab pottering around (or even sleeping) from early might well calm your ds down a bit , if not a lot. It could make mornings better for all.

Well. I’m sure OP is deeply apologetic that her disabled child is such an inconvenience.

If I were the NDN I would absolutely be tired and not like the noise. I’m tired now, and I don’t like the noise. But I would approach it with compassion and empathy and try to work together to resolve something, not just force a vulnerable family out of their home.

While I have every sympathy for your situation I would find it absolutely unbearable to be woken at 4:30 every day and I would be complaining to anyone who would listen.

I think you've quoted the wrong post

Im sorry for this OP it sounds incredibly hard.
I am trying to imagine being woken up by a neighbour screaming at 4.30 every morning and I think this would drive me bonkers.
New builds have very this walls.
We had a new build and you can hear shouting and door slams for sure.
Are you sure you cant switch rooms with him and give him your room plus the box room for his stuff?

I think I would be looking to move if there are no other solutions to mocing his room to the outside or you will forever be dealing with an unhappy neighbour And stress of worrying about it.

Also to add OP it sounds like it’s all really hard on you too

This

If you are really doing all you can then yea - it’s difficult but not much way round it.

If you aren’t then that’s poor … it is completely unreasonable to expect NDN to tolerate such an early wake up everyday without repercussions. I’ve been that neighbour in similar situations and it’s fucking hellish.

We don't even know she has lied. She may be mishearing. I think the OP needs to be moved to somewhere more suitable. And if I were the neighbour my focus would be on getting them moved away from me, full stop. Yes of course everyone would have sympathy for the OP, but the neighbours shouldn't have to suffer.

That hour in the morning where the child is left to wake up and disturb the neighbour is purely for ops comfort of not wanting to start her day an hour earlier.

Give and take goes both ways. Why does ops need for the extra hour to her self trump the neighbours sleep at 4am.

Lets face it the neighbours very likely hear lots of disturbance all day night weekends. They just don’t want to be woken at 4am and the op could stop that by taking her child downstairs she doesn’t want to. Applying for a grant for soundproofing isn’t going to fix the issue fast it’s a long process while her neighbours are all still woken every day.

As I posted earlier, I am woken by my neighbor's autistic child. No, I do not find it intolerable. I find it frustrating sometimes, of course, but I understand it is no one's fault. It wouldn't even occur to me to complain and I'd fully expect the HA to tell me to get a fucking grip if I tried to.

However, my last post was more aimed at the commenters on this thread, not the OP's neighbor. OP is not lazy, she's not purposely allowing her son to annoy the neighbour. She is doing the best she can in a difficult situation and it seems a lot of posters either don't realise that or don't care.

As for the neighbor, asking the HA to look into remedial actions like soundproofing or calmly explaining she is unable to tolerate the noise and asking to work with the HA and the OP to find a solution is one thing. Making up lies is quite another thing.

But she is being a dick because shw HAS lied to make it seem worse than it is.
What do you think can be done?? How can a behaviour related to his disability be improved ?? Any punishment regarding to his behaviour/disability will be discrimination.
I'm not saying it isn't difficult for the neighbour but sometimes the needs of others overcomes your need for comfort

If I was OP’s neighbour, I would be thanking my lucky stars that I wasn’t the one raising a severely disabled child on my own with absolutely no help or support.

I’m not sure why moving house would make you horrific though - sounds eminently sensible to me 🤷‍♀️