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Original poster

Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

992 replies

YourMintReader · 15/05/2025 19:40

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 16/05/2025 13:31

SleeplessInWherever · 16/05/2025 13:29

I think that’s because there’s a real lack of sympathy for the disabled and their carers. Which this thread has shown.

SEN children do “disturb” others, but ordinarily it’s in ways and for reasons that they can’t control, and some people seem to have a real lack of empathy or compassion for that.

There’s been a lot of things on this thread that when you bear in mind are about someone’s child, are completely unnecessary.

Show quote history

Of course they disturb others! No it's not their fault but that doesn't change the fact that the neighbours are having their lives ruined.

SleeplessInWherever · 16/05/2025 13:29

TheHerboriste · 16/05/2025 13:21

It seems like there’s a giant thread every week about problems with SEN children disturbing neighbours.

As a society we really need to create purpose-built housing with effective soundproofing, safe rooms and other accommodations. It just seems batshit to expect everyone (the parents included) to just deal with it day after day, year after year.

I think that’s because there’s a real lack of sympathy for the disabled and their carers. Which this thread has shown.

SEN children do “disturb” others, but ordinarily it’s in ways and for reasons that they can’t control, and some people seem to have a real lack of empathy or compassion for that.

There’s been a lot of things on this thread that when you bear in mind are about someone’s child, are completely unnecessary.

thecatneuterer · 16/05/2025 13:24

TheHerboriste · 16/05/2025 13:21

It seems like there’s a giant thread every week about problems with SEN children disturbing neighbours.

As a society we really need to create purpose-built housing with effective soundproofing, safe rooms and other accommodations. It just seems batshit to expect everyone (the parents included) to just deal with it day after day, year after year.

Absolutely.

TheHerboriste · 16/05/2025 13:21

It seems like there’s a giant thread every week about problems with SEN children disturbing neighbours.

As a society we really need to create purpose-built housing with effective soundproofing, safe rooms and other accommodations. It just seems batshit to expect everyone (the parents included) to just deal with it day after day, year after year.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/05/2025 13:10

I think its easier to talk about how understanding you would be when being woken up every day at that hour is a hypothetical situation.

OP I hope you can get some help from the HA.

thecatneuterer · 16/05/2025 13:08

YourMintReader · 16/05/2025 12:31

It’s not just the single bed (I have a mattress that’s for arthritis in my bigger bed). But it’s the fact that my stuff and personal items would all have to remain in the same room as the men sleeping there

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You could get a special mattress for a single bed. And leaving your stuff in the room with the carers isn't that big a deal. Your neighbour would probably agree to leave her own stuff in a room with the carers if it meant they didn't all get woken at 4am!

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 13:08

Hotbathcoldknees · 16/05/2025 13:04

But just because adults are kind and understanding to your face doesn't mean they find the situation tolerable. Waking people up at 4:30 every morning is not ok it will have an adverse affect on their health and well being. Tolerating that is not about being kind and understanding...having an undisturbed night's sleep is a basic. The neighbour must be going insane with lack of sleep and no end in sight.

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You can be understanding and still say that your own needs (the neighbour's) and health are important too.

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 13:05

streth · 16/05/2025 13:03

I think people are because it is one thing to think it is hard and then another when you actually see it.

I never said it should become the neighbours problem.

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Though it is the neighbour's problem. Sleep deprivation is torture (as OP well knows, as she deals with it as well). It won't help anyone's mood.

Hotbathcoldknees · 16/05/2025 13:04

Frequency · 16/05/2025 10:24

Based on a lot of replies on this thread, I would like to retract my previous assertion that most adults are kind and understanding. Clearly, most adults are tossers like your neighbour.

I do think most people at least pretend to be kind and understanding to your face.

But just because adults are kind and understanding to your face doesn't mean they find the situation tolerable. Waking people up at 4:30 every morning is not ok it will have an adverse affect on their health and well being. Tolerating that is not about being kind and understanding...having an undisturbed night's sleep is a basic. The neighbour must be going insane with lack of sleep and no end in sight.

streth · 16/05/2025 13:03

thecatneuterer · 16/05/2025 10:13

I don't think anyone is doubting how hard it is. I can't even imagine. But it shouldn't become the neighbours' problem.

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I think people are because it is one thing to think it is hard and then another when you actually see it.

I never said it should become the neighbours problem.

SleeplessInWherever · 16/05/2025 12:54

thecomedyofterrors · 16/05/2025 12:51

yabu for not making compromises. Your son would be fine in a smaller room that hasn’t got an adjoining wall. This would go a long way to solve the problem and it seems you aren’t open to this.

She’s said repeatedly, his things don’t fit in a smaller room. Some of which (like his bed) are essential to meet his needs.

It’s also quite likely he needs the most space because of his energy levels and movement. My DSs is in the master bedroom in our house. Ours is big enough, but his is intentionally bigger.

thecomedyofterrors · 16/05/2025 12:51

yabu for not making compromises. Your son would be fine in a smaller room that hasn’t got an adjoining wall. This would go a long way to solve the problem and it seems you aren’t open to this.

Paganpentacle · 16/05/2025 12:43

Reversetail · 15/05/2025 20:06

Please don’t move because of this horrible selfish women, sounds like you’ve got a great spot for your family. I completely get that you are doing everything you can and that you can’t just ask your son to be quiet. Maybe housing association can help with some sound proofing. Maybe she’ll move!

Wow.
Objecting to being woken at 4.30 am daily makes her horrible and selfish??
Poor woman didnt get a choice in this... its just been dumped on her.

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 12:33

YourMintReader · 16/05/2025 12:31

It’s not just the single bed (I have a mattress that’s for arthritis in my bigger bed). But it’s the fact that my stuff and personal items would all have to remain in the same room as the men sleeping there

Show quote history

Unfortunately that might be something you need to come to terms with. I know it sucks (I do have personal experience) but sometimes you just have to do whatever works to manage a situation. And yes, it can feel like we're always bottom of the heap.

I don't think whoever provided you with this property really understood your needs. I know it's not easy but they need to prioritise something more suitable for you.

HangingOver · 16/05/2025 12:32

streth · 16/05/2025 10:07

I would encourage people to watch this:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

To give you an idea of hard it is with a child who has autism and can be violent

Wow. Just Wow. I've never seen anything like this.

Original poster
YourMintReader · 16/05/2025 12:31

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 16/05/2025 12:29

I fail to see why sleeping in a single bed is such an issue.

No one is saying it's ideal, but either you are looking for solutions or you are not.
You CANNOT move some of your kid's equipment you say, fair enough, but you COULD move bed.

Your current situation is not sustainable for anyone. It will only get worst. You say it's only been 6 weeks?

Show quote history

It’s not just the single bed (I have a mattress that’s for arthritis in my bigger bed). But it’s the fact that my stuff and personal items would all have to remain in the same room as the men sleeping there

OP posts:
YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 16/05/2025 12:29

YourMintReader · 16/05/2025 12:15

Not wanting to have carers sleep in your bed? of course not. But then make that bed the carer's bed.

So I have to have a single bed as my only space forever more then? After devoting all these years and many many more, I have to sleep in just a small single with nothing else to my name, and can’t have my own space because it is now the space of strange men I have no personal relationship? And my private items and all belongings will have to stay in that room with him too. Think about that.

I fail to see why sleeping in a single bed is such an issue.

No one is saying it's ideal, but either you are looking for solutions or you are not.
You CANNOT move some of your kid's equipment you say, fair enough, but you COULD move bed.

Your current situation is not sustainable for anyone. It will only get worst. You say it's only been 6 weeks?

Placeholder123 · 16/05/2025 12:26

YourMintReader · 16/05/2025 12:15

Not wanting to have carers sleep in your bed? of course not. But then make that bed the carer's bed.

So I have to have a single bed as my only space forever more then? After devoting all these years and many many more, I have to sleep in just a small single with nothing else to my name, and can’t have my own space because it is now the space of strange men I have no personal relationship? And my private items and all belongings will have to stay in that room with him too. Think about that.

Or your neighbours have to wake up at 4:30am forever more.

This is what I meant when I said about compromise, I think you need to try to find something that helps, even if that’s not great for you in the short term. It gives you some breathing space to find another solution (soundproofing etc) and possibly helps the complaints to the HA.

UndermyShoeJoe · 16/05/2025 12:26

Adhdsucks · 16/05/2025 12:24

What do you mean by they might find a way to make it tolerable? It sounds vaguely threatening.

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That the neighbours might counteract his noise with their own that at least they enjoy and that might make life harder for the op and her child.

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 12:25

Adhdsucks · 16/05/2025 12:24

What do you mean by they might find a way to make it tolerable? It sounds vaguely threatening.

Show quote history

Just what I said. The neighbours will have to find a way to cope and that might be something that makes things harder for OP. Like playing loud music so they can't hear it. How is that threatening?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/05/2025 12:24

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 16/05/2025 12:11

Maybe the neighbour doesn't understand the property layout constraints, so hasn't considered that she can also move furniture, maybe she hasn't tried earplugs out of sheer stubbornness and just wants to kick an isolated, depleted mum while she's already down because she's a bully and that's why she won't cooperate.

I am not sure trying the make the situation the neighbour's fault - when really it is not - is going to help anyone.

Accusing someone to be a bully because they are not accepting to be awaken by screams at 4:30 every morning? That's ridiculous.

Do you know what is bullying though, making up absolute bollocks to your neighbours landlords because you don't like them and things aren't going your way.

Adhdsucks · 16/05/2025 12:24

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 12:22

I would treat this urgently OP, because eventually your neighbour is going to find a way to make it tolerable for them, and you might not like how they do it.

My neighbour's son is a PITA (he can help it, so a very different situation, but his parents aren't reasonable about it), so I've figured it can be made tolerable by overplaying him with louder music. They don't like it but if they won't help, you just find another way for your sanity.

Before you know it you may be listening to a lot of music, or however they choose to make it manageable.

What do you mean by they might find a way to make it tolerable? It sounds vaguely threatening.

PawsAndTails · 16/05/2025 12:22

I would treat this urgently OP, because eventually your neighbour is going to find a way to make it tolerable for them, and you might not like how they do it.

My neighbour's son is a PITA (he can help it, so a very different situation, but his parents aren't reasonable about it), so I've figured it can be made tolerable by overplaying him with louder music. They don't like it but if they won't help, you just find another way for your sanity.

Before you know it you may be listening to a lot of music, or however they choose to make it manageable.

SleeplessInWherever · 16/05/2025 12:17

rosemarble · 16/05/2025 11:47

And no, things aren’t to such a degree that I will consider residential care yet. I feel I can go on given appropriate respite and school time —residential care was threatened by me to even achieve this level of respite in the first place

I won't comment on residential care as I don't know about it, but you do say that you feel you are able to care for your son because you get some respite when he's at school and other respite times.

What does this mean? Because you say you're surviving on 3 to 4hrs sleep. That's not sustainable.

You’d be surprised, but you just get on with it.

This week alone we’ve been awake at 3:07am, 2:48am, and 1:06am. Last night was the worst.

Neither myself or my partner are dead. We have survived before and will now.

You get used to the exhausted nauseous feeling. What you wouldn’t do is make that worse by actually going downstairs and starting the day at 1am. We get by somehow til around 6, when everyone else in the world will accept the chaos that being awake brings, and we’ve somehow woken up enough to tackle the day.

People can’t genuinely expect someone to start their day when this child wakes up. In our house we’d have started it at 1am today, and been getting shouted at about a playground by 2am.

AnonWho23 · 16/05/2025 12:17

Has the property got carpet and curtains? Could you ask for the HA to install sound proofing plasterboard? Could you add mute mats under the carpets? I don't think you should move. I think you need to find ways to reduce the sound transfer. You can't stop your child from making noise but you can try to install soundproofing measures. I think you need to do as much as you reasonably can Nd then after that you can't do anymore. I sympathise with your neighbour because noise can be very distressing and a bit like torture but your child isn't doing anything on purpose and you and them have a right to live and enjoy your home.