Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

But.you also have a choice to live in higher or lower residential areas. So you have chosen to be impacted by the noise of others if you have chosen to live in a town or city, or in any sort of property adjoining others.

No… it’s been said multiple times that her son is in the bedroom he is because that’s where his things fit.

OP you poor thing. My heart goes out to you. I have a child with asd but we are blessed that he is a great sleeper . I know from parenting groups I've attended and online groups I'm part of that it can be soul destroying when your child doesn't sleep. Some of the posters here have been horrible and tone deaf and totally unempathetic to the situation. Obviously it's an awful situation but if there was something you could do to stop it then you would. It's not like you can do a reward chart and reason with your child.

OP, This sounds like a very stressful situation for both you and your neighbours.
Just to play devil's advocate, what would you expect your neighbour to do if your neighbour had a child with the same level of need and behaviours, but whose child was awake when you were asleep?
What would you expect them to do if the precious little sleep you are currently getting was eradicated by the neighbours child?
Do you think your child will quieten down as they grow older?
Do you think your neighbour is being a bit unreasonable with their expectations that you reduce the output of sound?
Can you private rent a detached house?
Are you on the transfer list for a detached house?
Can you put any temporary sound proofing in the bedroom to reduce the noise until something more permanent can be done?
What has your neighbour specifically asked you to do to help the situation?

I only read your replies OP not the whole thread so possible someone suggested those before. You say that movement and water are the 2 ways he regulates, you could look into (literally brainstorming ideas for sensory input, so some are quite out there but I reckon still could work, though without knowing your son some could completely be missing the mark):
-a suspended fabric chair swing
-air track in the living space (to cushion his need for movement but also give him more feedback so potentially could get the movement more contained)
-indoor climbing frame or soft play set up with matts
-arranging part of the living space with waterproofing so you can have a water play table/tuff tray
-would watching water based content (from sea documentaries to just blue screen with bubbles or whatever else) help him regulate? i’ve seen a really cool immersive sensory light table you can project things onto
just a few ideas to potentially keep him entertained but hopefully more calmly - I reckon you need the rest even more than your neighbours (from a mum that frequently gets 5h of sleep or less).

If you don’t get that that is a compromise, a solution for her neighbours sanity and health, and sleeping in a single bed is hardly on the floor, it speaks volumes that you and she are the problem.

This is all so convoluted, I’m not even sure why OP would be asked to move into the single room.

Her son’s things fit in his room. He therefore would be staying in it. Why are we kicking her out of her bed at all?

Trickiest details, can you please explain why a single bed is so horrific??

OP is already looking to sound proof and moving his bedroom simply isn't possible because it would just move the noise next to a child's room or make it too dangerously unsafe for him to sleep without a room that can house his specialist bed. Have you actually read any of the details on here? I realise it's much easier and fun to solve a difficult problem if you ignore all the trickiest details.

Some responses on here clearly completely ignoring your explanations and having no understanding of your son’s situation. No solutions but sending yo7 - and your neighbour- much sympathy. Hope the OT has some ideas. X

So what is your advice besides tutting? You've said literally nothing about what OP can do.

She is in social housing I don’t think she is in a position to choose a property that is detached. She sounds lucky to have got the property she has got.
feel for you OP but there really isn’t much you can do. Must be so tough as it is without the added stress of neighbours being disturbed. I wouldn’t give up the house though, you may have the problem elsewhere anyway.

@Totallytoti and @WavyRavey maybe you could offer the OP helpful suggestions in how to bring about this outcome based in the real world....

This. It’s hard for you, but not your neighbours problem.

It sounds awful but maybe a residential school for SEN children might be an idea along the road, you're going to have extremely burnout most of the time

Just to add (and obviously we only have OP's side) if we are taking this on face value, the neighbour has made malicious and untrue allegations about her parenting. Sadly this does happen, and if true does if an indication of whether the neighbour can be considered a reasonable witness.....

Having an autistic child myself some of the comments on here have no clue, and comments like letting him scream his head off is a joke, they have no idea.
my child is non verbal and is very vocal and that May sound like shouting but it’s him expressing himself and you can’t just shut him up that’s ridiculous, unless your asking for parents like that to gag our children! I feel for you and you seem so lovely to actually worry about this as having a child with additional needs Is so hard and a constant worry so you don’t need this added worry and stressz I am so lucky as my neighbours are so understanding and kind. Sending you lots of hugs your doing amazing 🥰

Honestly that’s because when you’re living in it, really living in it, you’re aware of how limited your options are to fix it.

I don’t want or expect anyone else to ‘live through it,’ our options to stop it are very limited and I honestly believe that any reasonable person is already doing what they’re able. It’s not like anyone enjoys the experience.

None of us choose our neighbour's and considering the the current crisis in social housing, I doubt moving is an option. Speak to the HA and ask for their advice. They maybe able to offer some advocey/ support to open a dialogue with your neigbour.

Your neighbours may be the type to complain about anyone and there is no guarantee that the next person to move in will meet with their approval. I do have some sympathy for your neighbour but also recognise the position you are in and it seems you are doing your best in very difficult circumstances. A restorative approach can often have a good outcome if both people are open to it.

Unless they can move you to a detached house with no neighbour's (and this applies to private renters/home owners too), I am not sure what the HA can do. People do have to have some level of acceptance and empathy when it comes to neighbour noise. It is not as if you are throwing all night parties and have people coming to and from your home at all hours. Lots of people have to put up with this willful disregard by people who do not care about those living around them. Whilst obviously not okay- realistically it is very hard to change.

Omg, everyone saying just move to a detached house clearly have no idea what the state of social housing is in this country. Like the HA could just pull a detached house out their arse!

OP, please be assured you won't be evicted because the noise your son makes. You are are protected under the equalities act for this, and no HA would issue a notice of seeking possession on a parent with a profoundly disabled child and even IF they did no Judge would grant a possession order and make a child like this homeless.

You need to jump online and order a bunch of foam sound proofing tiles and attach them to the wall, and make sure the bedroom has thick underlay and carpet to deaden the noise transference. If you HA has a customer support budget, they may be able to help with this but working for a HA I know budgets are very stretched so they might not help. In which case the council may be able to fund it.

Otherwise, water play at 4.30am may be something you need to consider.

Your neighbour isn't wrong to be frustrated by this, I would be too.

and she just happened to misinterpret that OP's son is screaming foul language?

I'm not convinced.

I doubt she has lied. Noises can easily be misinterpreted. She has no need to lie anyway. Being deprived of sleep is enough. Any words being used are really neither here nor there

It baffles me that you will openly say how bad it is, and yet think it’s totally okay to expect a neighbour to live through it too. Honestly baffling.