Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

Sometimes what we “want” isn’t realistic, especially if it involves making other people’s lives miserable.

The point is “further inconvenience.” It’s my assumption that OP already faces inconvenience, if we’re putting it that way.

You’re asking a woman who has already explained her exhaustion, the behaviours she faces, the energy she needs to care for her vulnerable son that she often doesn’t have - to give up one of the only things she has for herself.

You’re not even asking her to swap bedrooms, you know that’s not possible. You want her to use the box room and then make her own comfortable space into some sort of holding pen for an hour or so a day.

If you can’t see how hard that would be for someone, that’s your lack of compassion to her difficulties.

I have been in a similar position to the neighbour and it can be life destroying. I’m sorry the OP is struggling but unless you’ve been in the neighbours position you can’t judge their response. At times it made me feel suicidal. Sleep deprivation has long been used as a mechanism of torture for a reason. The OPs child goes to school several hours a day she can get rest then. If the neighbour is at work she can’t, then comes home and it’s hours of screaming and shouting in the garden, then the stress of going to sleep knowing you’ll be woken at 4:30 to begin again.

We appreciate it’s difficult for all concerned, but people have a right to peaceful enjoyment of their property, a right to be able to get a proper nights sleep. The op needs to speak with her support team and find a solution. This might include moving to a house with a different layout where her child’s room is not adjoining the neighbours or with better sound proofing and the adjoining rooms could have sound proofing added or there is a non- adjoining extension to use as a bedroom. This house is clearly never going to work and the stress of living there will not help the OP.

But it’s not ok to dismiss the needs of others because the OP is in a trying situation. What if the neighbour has PTSD and needs quiet, what if they have a condition made even worse through lack of sleep.

Everyone expects some noise in a semi detached, I was woken last night by the neighbours toddler crying a screaming but it’s a rare occurrence (might be feeling a bit under the weather) - no problem, but, from my experience the neighbour will be living in a constant state of fight or flight, constant cortisol going through their body. Never getting a chance to rest. That amount of constant stress will be having significant impact on their physical and mental wellbeing.

You’re going to make neighbours unhappy wherever you are though. Just because the next one doesn’t say something doesn’t mean they don’t mind.

I think you need to speak with the council and see what sound proofing provisions they can help with, and maybe look at the allocation of rooms and see if you can move him away from a shared wall even if it makes the layout unconventional

Hmm, maybe. Op, budget permitting after getting your house sound proofed, & if noise transfer is still an issue as i think it may, you could then also offer to pay to sound proof some or all of the NDN's wall's that adjoin your house.

This might achieve 2 things:

1. It may reduce the sound transfer particularly in the early am hours for your neighbours
2. It will show them your bone fides in trying to do everything in your power to not disturb their daily lives.

Good luck OP!!

This sums it up far better than I can

@YourMintReader I haven’t seen you answer the question about why you moved house. You said it was a house swap, and your previous neighbours had no problems with your son - so is it really not an option to swap back? That would surely be the best option.

If not I still think you should consider bringing your son into your bedroom when he wakes so he’s away from the adjoining wall. You’ve addressed all the things you can’t do or that wouldn’t work (moving his bedroom, taking him downstairs when he wakes) but there are some other things you just don’t want to do because they further inconvenience you - moving yourself into the box room to make the second bedroom a viable space for your son to use when he wakes, and using the bed in here for the overnight carer for example.

This is why some people are calling you entitled. I have every sympathy - your life sounds desperately hard and I can completely understand your unwillingness to give up a very small piece of comfort for yourself to make life easier for your neighbours. But by doing so, you are choosing to prioritise your comfort over theirs, and it means you’re not doing absolutely everything you conceivably could to minimise the disruption your family is having on theirs.

The op is saying her child is making lots of noise though, at 4:30am

And to those saying why not put him in residential because of needs, maybe because he's her child and she loves him she wants him with his mum??

Op just wondering how did you manage to get an extra bedroom through housing association anyway? Does your son have 2 nights overnight respite care per week? Because was led to believe had to be this to get extra bedroom..wouldn't it be more peaceful for you and better for him to get used to being around others if he went to a residential for a break. My son is very similar (not biting) but kicks headbutts pulls hair breaks everything, i have bare minimal furniture hr has to have bars at windows locks everywhere etc and need to move because stairs are a danger..so I am not judging..and I too have had major issues with neighbours and as someone else said because of noise I feel I always will unless move to detached bungalow..but because of housing crisis I find it unlikely will be able to do this

This post has made me cry. I can’t believe some of the responses you are getting and how cruel and ignorant some people can be. Let’s hope they never find themselves in a similar situation.
i hope you get the help you need to build an extension, hopefully the complaints from the neighbour will help with that.
You sound amazing, doing everything you can for your little boy. I do hope you can get some respite. Good luck with it all.

@YourMintReader

You never know who the new neighbour will be, admittedly. It’s hard. The feeling of walking of eggshells is awful.

imagine the feeling of buying your home been settled then a new family move and it’s no longer the home you knew and loved.

I am functioning on about 3 or 4 hours sleep at the very best.
I suspect this isn’t helping would you not consider over night residential respite for your son to give all of you a break.

And I have every right not to have a chunk taken out of my arm at 4.30am because I am so sleep deprived, it is ten times more difficult to bring him into that area
He is you son and I am sorry he has additional needs it is are not fair and it must be beyond hard with many worries not least about the future when are too old to care for him. However you no doubt love him and can see past his some of his behaviour however you can’t expect your neighbour to.

would you not consider regular respite so you can sleep more and no doubt enjoy time with him more. They say it takes a village to raise a child find your village OP and get some support for you all I am sorry for the hand life has dealt you.
**

For someone who is autistic you are remarkably ignorant-
autism is a spectrum
if you have met one autistic person you have met one autistic person

OP has mentioned stimming, non verbal, special school, carers and respite care, lots of kit. You can use your imagination that her DC isn’t same as you, no?

OP speak to HA and see if they put issoundproofibg. At least with them there is some obligation to upgrade to meet your needs. If they force you to move it’s discrimination as the noise isn’t due to bad behaviour.

Can your son not go for respite at a residential once a month or something to give you a break. And if your neighbour contacts council saying its a noise nuisance the council will have to put in soundproofing or move you to a suitable property, ie detached

Why did you move?

I think you must expect visits from social workers. If you do not get them, ask to talk to them about your DC.

You cannot, for the DC's sake try to cope on your own with the neighbour who doesn't understand. Moving without advice would not be good for the DC.

It's true we don't know how 'bad' it actually is, just that OP describes it as loud shouts, among other vocal stims. None of what you described as normal neighbour noise would disturb me at all. I'd probably sleep through but the question OP asked is would we move, and my answer was that, yes, I would.

OP's neighbour may think that she did hear swearing, so maybe was mistaken rather than lying. If she is actually lying though, this might be just the beginning.

OP doesn't want to keep having to move though, so maybe a disability advocate can help her work with social housing to get a property where this won't be a repeat issue? It may take time for a suitable property to come up, but it's worth it for OP's peace, as much as anyone else's. OP has enough on her plate without having to deal with aggro neighbours.

Just to reiterate my previous post. Whilst every one is focused on the OPs child being awake early and making some noise, the neighbour had also made malicious and unfounded accusations about her parenting. Taking this at face value, it is therefore not unreasonable to consider that the neighbour maybe over reporting and overstating the impact and severity of any noise. It does happen, I have worked with many families where a neighbour complains about every day noise (eg children playing, walking about in an upstairs flat etc).

OP acknowledges her child wakes early, but it is not a given that the noise made is anything above a shift worker coming home, or someone getting up and out to work at this time.

I have lived in terraces and semi detached houses throughout adulthood. Sometimes babies cry, people make noise going to the loo, getting up and out and children can be noisy, including what some people unsociable hours. Whilst it is annoying, also just a fact of having neighbours.

This isn't quite the gotcha you think it is.

Lucky for me I can say that I need to overplay music due to my child's disability, since that apparently gives us the right to negatively impact others.

Well, one, why would OP spend money on someone else's soundproofing if there's still no guarantee it'll work? Madness. The best way to see if soundproofing would work is to test its efficacy with cheaper materials regardless of how aesthetically displeasing they are. If the goal is sleep then how something looks on a temporary basis is not a priority. Two disability related noise is less likely to be seen as a statutory noise nuisance than malicious retaliation with overly loud tv or music noise.

That said the right to live in a completely silent environment doesn't exist does go both ways so it would depend what was reasonable and proportionate but if the neighbour owns the house they'd probably not want a statutory noise complaint against them.

I mean if that's what you'd do, you do you. There's a difference between disability related actions and deliberate actions though.

🤷🏼‍♀️
Better for two families to be enduring that, than four families.

It's easy to be holier than thou about how supportive people would be when they aren't the ones affected, or have never experienced it. I think most people would have an issue with indefinite 4.30 wakings.

But then you might get the problem (assuming two neighbours like OP's child) that they distress each other, make noise on different schedules, etc.

I don’t understand the posters condemning the neighbour, how many of you would be happy to suddenly be woken at 4.30am every morning? Not to mention the issues which would arise if you chose to sell. OP I have a disabled child so feel comfortable in saying this, it isn’t reasonable for neighbours to be disturbed at 4.30am and kindly they were there first. You need to do all you can do to keep noise down to acceptable hours or you need to move. Ive done everything I can to ensure my neighbours aren’t disturbed too much and they are appreciative of that

Absent the public will to create purpose built accommodation for families with loud members, I think councils should strategically house them in existing homes.

Two families with autism, using either side of a semi, for example, would at least have common issues and experiences. Their expectations would be similar.