Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

There are myriad scholarly and medical websites that offer behavioural modification techniques to replace loud vocal stimming with other activities. It is not inevitable that someone with autism who lives in close proximity to others have zero alternatives.

What happens at school when this occurs?

So is it just accepted then that this boy is going to go through life behaving in a manner that is disruptive and will be a massive turnoff to everyone other than his closest family?

I would have thought some effort to help him fir in with societal norms would be in his best interests.

There are myriad scholarly and medical websites that offer behavioural modification techniques to replace loud vocal stimming with other activities. It is not inevitable that someone with autism who lives in close proximity to others have zero alternatives.

What happens at school when this occurs?

@llizzie You are getting confused and talking about allistic behaviours, or the behaviours of autistic children who are not severely non verbal. Yes, allistic children are usually only loud when they are unhappy or bored or distressed, or in pain; or when they are not taught to emotionally settle themselves, which is why this thread is full of naive people demanding to know why OP isn't 'dealing' with the noise her child is making; they are (wrongly) assuming he's unsettled or distressed or that he needs distraction.

OP, knows her son's condition and understands what happy stimming is. It hasn't occurred to any of the non experienced people on here that this is his natural state, and a sign of happiness. A sign that all is well. It has not occurred to them that he would need to be heavily drugged, or gagged, or made deeply unhappy in order to be quieted. For goodness sake, OP would be the first in line if there were a way to make her son quieter AND happier at 4.30 in the morning! Do you really think she hasn't ever thought of ways to do this, or asked countless medical professionals to explain to her his differences?

Yes, the problem of disturbing neighbours still needs dealing with, and moving won't do it because OP's noise issue will simply move with her. I hope the sound proofing idea will work because it's the one actionable thing that people on this thread have been able to suggest.

I don't know. How can I know what special equipment is available for schools?

Perhaps IABU in thinking that perhaps the liaison between parent and school leaves a little bit to be desired. Only the OP and the school know that. I cannot. I do think though that if they are containing DS, they should give advice about the neighbour problem.

If the DC does not behave so badly at school, they must be doing something to control his behaviour, and should say what that is.

I have not noticed if the OP has mentioned how her DC is managed at his special school. If he is the same there as he is at home, they can manage that as nothing I have read points to that.

They can, providing there are placements for him, send him to a residential special needs school. As he is still in day school, I am presuming that they are able to cope. I am asking if that is so, how do they do that?

My choice of words was wrong and I apologise for that. It was not intended to be taken as you have taken it. I was comparing the two locations and asking if the DC behaved the same in both. At the moment the neighbour is being aggressive towards the OP because that neighbour considers the child to be acting 'badly' by their standards, otherwise the OP would not have started the thread in the first place.

I think it is up to the OP to make comments like yours and others, not other posters, because only the OP has the knowledge to reply with.

It is like you overhearing something on a train and laying in to the person who said it because you didn't agree. NYB.

Of course I do not believe babies behave badly when they cry for normal reasons, like being changed and hungry, but I would want to look very closely at other reasons for their crying. When one of mine would not stop crying whatever I did, I stripped all his clothes off, leaving the mits until last (he was about two months old) and when I took it off, a loose thread was twisted around his finger which was red and swelling. If I had not done that, who knows what he would have suffered, Babies cannot tell you, and neither can special needs children who have no language. I always peruse an investigation when the reason is not evident.

I intended my post to be a comparison between home and school. The OP is at her wits end, trying to please the neighbour, who is complaining..

He isn't behaving badly, he is stimming because he is severely disabled. Are babies badly behaved when they cry? It's the same thing. He has no understanding or intent, he can't talk but he stims which can be very, very vocal.

He will stim loudly at his special school too, they will be used to it if it is normal for him which it sounds like it is.

I know what the issue is. The OP has told us. What I and other posters do not know is why he screams so loudly. He also does to at the same time, and I suggested there might be a physical reason for it, and perhaps some scans might show something that he has been unable to communicate to his mum.

I don't know why posters are so dismissive of suggestions, when the reason for the thread is that the OP is at her wits end.

Surely the OP can read the responses and act on them as she feels fit.

Has anything I have said been wrong? Most of it is asking questions, and not giving advice, making suggestions, and not saying they MUST be tried.

Asking questions encouraging people to think about a situation that perhaps they have not previously considered.

What I do know is the OP is in a very traumatising position with the neighbour, and wants to know if she should - yet again - move house. My problem with that is that she will spend the rest of her and her DS's lives moving from one place to another and having the same misery, when perhaps there is a solution to it.

The issue is his happy stimming, and the volume of that.

OP has said that he’s rarely angry, he has a lot of energy that comes out in sound.

If he’s happy at school (which I hope he is), they won’t be trying to manage that by making him sadder. They’ll also be accepting of his loudness, because they’re a special needs school and would see it as expression and communication.

We get notes like “very vocal today, which was lovely to see.”

The issue is his happy stimming, and the volume of that.

OP has said that he’s rarely angry, he has a lot of energy that comes out in sound.

If he’s happy at school (which I hope he is), they won’t be trying to manage that by making him sadder. They’ll also be accepting of his loudness, because they’re a special needs school and would see it as expression and communication.

We get notes like “very vocal today, which was lovely to see.”

I don't know. How can I know what special equipment is available for schools?

Perhaps IABU in thinking that perhaps the liaison between parent and school leaves a little bit to be desired. Only the OP and the school know that. I cannot. I do think though that if they are containing DS, they should give advice about the neighbour problem.

If the DC does not behave so badly at school, they must be doing something to control his behaviour, and should say what that is.

I have not noticed if the OP has mentioned how her DC is managed at his special school. If he is the same there as he is at home, they can manage that as nothing I have read points to that.

They can, providing there are placements for him, send him to a residential special needs school. As he is still in day school, I am presuming that they are able to cope. I am asking if that is so, how do they do that?

I don't know. How can I know what special equipment is available for schools?

Perhaps IABU in thinking that perhaps the liaison between parent and school leaves a little bit to be desired. Only the OP and the school know that. I cannot. I do think though that if they are containing DS, they should give advice about the neighbour problem.

If the DC does not behave so badly at school, they must be doing something to control his behaviour, and should say what that is.

I have not noticed if the OP has mentioned how her DC is managed at his special school. If he is the same there as he is at home, they can manage that as nothing I have read points to that.

They can, providing there are placements for him, send him to a residential special needs school. As he is still in day school, I am presuming that they are able to cope. I am asking if that is so, how do they do that?

genuine question what equipment do you propose that would help in this situation ? And what help can school staff offer?

It's not about autistic people being shut away for convenience - OP needs to do some more appropriate special needs parenting ideas at 4.30am, such as not leaving him in his bedroom for an hour wailing at 4.30am etc. Don't you think there's a middle ground?

@Jimmyneutronsforehead

“I've mentioned plenty of times that you can pick up soundproofing panels from ikea if you want something more aesthetically pleasing, you can also use rugs, duvets, furniture, egg cartons if these are quick and easy things you have to hand etc.”

So would you agree that the OP could also be using these materials to attempt to soundproof her home on her side, given that it is her son making the noise?

Yes the neighbour could also be doing this their side (and perhaps they are already, who knows) but why should the OP not be responsible for using whatever she can to reduce the sound - while she waits for some professional assistance.

I suspect OP is sugar coating just how loud her child is, if the neighbour is having to complain. No noise at 4.30am is acceptable ideally. I understand it's difficult to parent this, but it needs a solution finding at her end, this isn't on the neighbour.

If the neighbour made a noise complaint to the council, could this end up with social services as its all through the night? Genuine question

It's not about autistic people being shut away for convenience - OP needs to do some more appropriate special needs parenting ideas at 4.30am, such as not leaving him in his bedroom for an hour wailing at 4.30am etc. Don't you think there's a middle ground?

The OP has explained that taking him downstairs or into her room means he will almost certainly start making more noise, and not just verbal stimming, but other household noise too. This neighbour is already making stuff up, and not willing to discuss solutions. I think there's a lot the neighbour could do herself but probably won't.

I don't think she can do right for doing wrong in the neighbours eyes.

It's not about autistic people being shut away for convenience - OP needs to do some more appropriate special needs parenting ideas at 4.30am, such as not leaving him in his bedroom for an hour wailing at 4.30am etc. Don't you think there's a middle ground?

I think you're responsible for your own mental health and environment. You make the changes that you can and you work with what you can't whether that's soundproofing your home, or using sound minimising earplugs. There are plenty of earplugs with adaptive functions like the loop earplugs, or headphones with captive audio functions so you can still hear people speaking to you.

I've mentioned plenty of times that you can pick up soundproofing panels from ikea if you want something more aesthetically pleasing, you can also use rugs, duvets, furniture, egg cartons if these are quick and easy things you have to hand etc.

Nobody else is responsible for your mental health and you certainly can't expect a non-verbal stimming autistic person to not make noise.

I'm sorry you felt suicidal but I don't think that autistic people should be shut away for the convenience of other people. I hope you managed to talk to a therapist about your suicidal thoughts.

I am disabled. I know how hard it is for you to live with all this angst.

How often have you discussed him with the staff at the special school? I don't mean that to sound as stupid as it probably does. They should be helping you, after all, they have training to do just that, and are paid for it.

If they have special equipment at the school which he doesn't have at home, then make the local authority or NHS provide you with it. There are all kinds of equipment that can help you.

This is important that you get more help ASAP, before your neighbour starts to do more than complain.

She may be more concerned about the value of her home than the noise itself. I may be making too much of it for posters on here, but hear me out. I am on your side.

You may already know this, but when you own a home, neighbour disputes have to be recorded and a conveyance solicitor has to declare the information if legal action is taken. This prevents home owners from taking neighbours to court, but they can make life very difficult if the ability to sell their home is at stake.

She has no right to take action against you and your DS herself that will make you leave your nice home. There is a section in the Equality and Human Rights Act which deals with the right to enjoy your own property. YOU have that right also and the way to exercise that Right is the link below.

Get in before she makes a move against you.
First contact the EASS https://www.equalityadvisoryservice.com/ and ask them for advice. Explain the situation.

They will be able to tell you how you stand with your neighbour and what action she can legally take against you. That will prepare you for any problem you may have to face. I think they are probably the only people who have more knowledge on this than anyone, and your DS's disability is exactly one which they include in their remit as the advisory department of the Equality and Human Rights Association.

You must do this ASAP. They have more experience than your local authority social services and even the special schools service. They may know locally, but the EASS are a national authority.

They can help you whether you live next to a homeowner or renter. I am surprised that you have not been advised to contact them before.