Page 6 | Separating from DH with no warning

AndiD87 · 2025-05-15T09:21:31+00:00

Hi All, First time poster and just want some advice. I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time low and this just felt like a real blow. I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick. Previous marriage issues involved: - my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t - We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious - early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

MintChocCat · 15/05/2025 13:03

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 12:52

Just to clarify we do have sex maybe 3-5 times a month, not a huge amount I know and honestly I would like it to be more frequently but I’m normally up at 6 and crawling into bed at 10.30 completely exhausted and one of the kids is a poor sleeper so hard to get any unbroken sleep.

I do appreciate all of the opinions.
Marriage counselling would be an obvious thing to do but I just feel exhausted at the thought of having to find a therapist, having to book, having to find a babysitter as no family near - just another thing for me to have to do and he can say he went through the motions. Previously he was to organise counselling but it came to nothing, I ended up doing sessions myself.

I know he says he feels much less capable than me and he is self conscious of contributing less financially to the household - but I just feel I am carrying him through life and at the expense of my own peace

Why don’t you delegate more to him, and start doing less?

BunnyLake · 15/05/2025 13:02

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:58

You think that it’s the men who are being exploited when they are watching trafficked women?

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He’s a bloke so he’s not going to see it from OP’s pov.

Delia65 · 15/05/2025 13:01

StepAwayFromGoogling · 15/05/2025 12:51

What is ethically-sourced porn?!

Was going to ask the same thing (goes off to google…..)

BlueTitShark · 15/05/2025 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

But you won't thrive without sex longterm.
😂😂😂

So if you can’t thrice wo sex, does it mean it’s ok to use prostitutes instead?
Do you think people, men or women, are somehow entitled to sex?

You want thriving? Try emotional connection, vulnerability and intimacy. Not the sexual type.

indianques · 15/05/2025 13:00

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:21

Also - men can live without sex

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Also - men can live without sex

I hate this old trope.

I could live without : wine, sex, chocolate, crisps, a comfy bed, holidays, friends, meals out, hot showers.....yes, I could live without all of them, BUT if the person I was married to had these things to hand and continually forbade them, I would be very resentful, because a) it's my life, b) you only live once, c) my partner is supposed to want me to be happy, d) I don't want to be trapped in a life where I can't have the things I want.

I don't need sex but I want it. And that's bloody ok!

Original poster

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 12:58

bluesinthenight · 15/05/2025 12:56

When people on MN describe someone as being a "great dad" I am often left wondering what they mean. it doesn't sound like a great dad to be so reckless as to lose a job - by breaking the law. What about his kids welfare and financial security? Didn't he think about that before acting recklessly?

This event was 3 years before our first was born.
But I agree - it completely broke me as have never felt I can rely or fully trust him since hence focusing on my career and financial security as a priority

OP posts:

intrepidpanda · 15/05/2025 12:57

Not something I would put kids through the trauma of a break up for. But you make sure you do the right thing for you. The kids can deal.

BlueTitShark · 15/05/2025 12:56

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Do you think he’ll simply reject the fact he was a sex pest? Or that he hasn’t cared enough for the OP to actually do what she asked - taking some of the decision making from her?

Or is that according to you, no sex is a sacrosanct offense that absolves someone from anything and everything?

Wondering how many people have that in their vows? ‘Until death us do part, in sickness and in health but not if you don’t want sex’

@ThatDaringEagle did you have that in your vows? Did you discuss it with your DH/DP that you believe no sex=free pass to porn/being a sex pest/maybe even infidelity (no you haven’t said that but it’s been touted many times on MN)

Yay, I’m sure his views will be different. As they always are. Even when the partner is abusive.
But does it mean their views are valid?? Different discussion

bluesinthenight · 15/05/2025 12:56

When people on MN describe someone as being a "great dad" I am often left wondering what they mean. it doesn't sound like a great dad to be so reckless as to lose a job - by breaking the law. What about his kids welfare and financial security? Didn't he think about that before acting recklessly?

TooGoodToGoto · 15/05/2025 12:55

Nina1013 · 15/05/2025 10:32

My only thought was if he’s respectful of your boundaries and not pressuring you for sex, the watching porn/pleasuring himself is arguably him meeting his own needs while respecting yours.

I think it’s difficult to say you’re upset that he’s essentially being aroused by others when you (over simplification) don’t want him to be aroused by you.

Personally I hate porn, but it’s very commonly watched and the majority are ok with it. I can’t say I would be able to be hurt by it if I was the one taking sex off the table - where it’s really hurtful is where one person wants to have sex, the other claims they have no/low sex drive and then they’re caught watching porn. Which isn’t the case here.

I think you’re mentally done with your marriage and this is just the final tipping point - otherwise no, I don’t think this is a big deal at all in itself.

I think this a very insightful and measured response.

Original poster

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 12:52

Just to clarify we do have sex maybe 3-5 times a month, not a huge amount I know and honestly I would like it to be more frequently but I’m normally up at 6 and crawling into bed at 10.30 completely exhausted and one of the kids is a poor sleeper so hard to get any unbroken sleep.

I do appreciate all of the opinions.
Marriage counselling would be an obvious thing to do but I just feel exhausted at the thought of having to find a therapist, having to book, having to find a babysitter as no family near - just another thing for me to have to do and he can say he went through the motions. Previously he was to organise counselling but it came to nothing, I ended up doing sessions myself.

I know he says he feels much less capable than me and he is self conscious of contributing less financially to the household - but I just feel I am carrying him through life and at the expense of my own peace

OP posts:

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 15/05/2025 12:51

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:21

Also - men can live without sex

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So can women. But strangely whenever. Women post that they’re in a sexless marriage the man is considered to be at fault and the woman is advised that she shouldn’t have to put up with it and should consider leaving.

It does sound as if this is perhaps a catalyst, but it’s not fair to suggest that he’s wrong for watching porn when the OP is withholding sex.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 15/05/2025 12:51

What is ethically-sourced porn?!

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/05/2025 12:50

I’m not at all surprised that you’ve got a low libido, as there is nothing sexy about having to play mother to your partner and nothing that kills your ability to have a spontaneous full sex life than constantly having to carry the mental load and feeling exhausted. I don’t think watching porn is that bad though, especially if he may have previously pressured you for sex instead of seeing to himself. Clearly though there’s much bigger issues here and this seems to be the straw that broke the camels back for you. Therefore, while this might have been a knee jerk reaction I think you need to use this time to really think about whether this was your gut telling you what to do. To answer that I think you need to consider that if you’ve asked him to change and he has been incapable of doing so, the decision is really about whether you can accept him as he is and carry on in your relationship if nothing changes?

indianques · 15/05/2025 12:45

Separate for any of the reasons you have listed, but porn would be the last of my worries.

He's not getting any sex at home, I'm not surprised he's watched a bit of porn. I'm a woman and when my DH wasn't wanting any sex, I did the same. Of course you'll get people on here saying it's terrible, but a lot of people on here have zero libido and no idea what it's like to be sex starved if you have a high libido.

I left my first H for much worse reasons, and the effect on my kids was horrific.

What on earth is "ethically sourced porn"? Do we pick these DVD's up in Waitrose with our Tofu and Quinoa?

Clownsy · 15/05/2025 12:41

Final straw for you OP.
Completely understand.
The losing the job over something illegal would be enough for many.

Look after yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.

jeaux90 · 15/05/2025 12:39

Good for you OP sounds like your life would better co-parenting if he’s capable

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:33

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

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Respectfully I disagree. But either way it's the op who is in the relationship. It doesn't seem she feels cherished or chosen. Supported or respected. Perhaps she might feel that more with a partner who shares her same views and priorities in life.

Zebedee999 · 15/05/2025 12:30

Nina1013 · 15/05/2025 10:32

My only thought was if he’s respectful of your boundaries and not pressuring you for sex, the watching porn/pleasuring himself is arguably him meeting his own needs while respecting yours.

I think it’s difficult to say you’re upset that he’s essentially being aroused by others when you (over simplification) don’t want him to be aroused by you.

Personally I hate porn, but it’s very commonly watched and the majority are ok with it. I can’t say I would be able to be hurt by it if I was the one taking sex off the table - where it’s really hurtful is where one person wants to have sex, the other claims they have no/low sex drive and then they’re caught watching porn. Which isn’t the case here.

I think you’re mentally done with your marriage and this is just the final tipping point - otherwise no, I don’t think this is a big deal at all in itself.

Spot on. I find it odd OP takes sex off the table then is upset when DH watches porn.
But it seems there are other issues too.

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 12:23

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

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with the issue of exploitation in porn a red herring because….because…..it’s just better to ignore that one

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:07

Yes I would end the relationship in this situation too. I would end it purely over the pornography let alone all the years of other disrespect/ not supporting you/the family.

I also don't think it's acceptable to blame the partner who for many reasons isn't wanting sex that it's their fault their partner is then watching pornography and masturbating. What an unattractive thing to be doing. Where's the patience the working together the understanding. Men don't don't die without pornography and orgasms. Having a healthy sex life should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page. Not entitlement and coercion.

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

ERthree · 15/05/2025 12:15

The porn on the tv is obviously the straw that has broken the camels back. There really is no need for you to stay together. If he really is a good Dad then he will make sure he is there for his children once he leaves. Please concentrate on organising your home life for once he has gone. Don't live a miserable life any longer.

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:07

Yes I would end the relationship in this situation too. I would end it purely over the pornography let alone all the years of other disrespect/ not supporting you/the family.

I also don't think it's acceptable to blame the partner who for many reasons isn't wanting sex that it's their fault their partner is then watching pornography and masturbating. What an unattractive thing to be doing. Where's the patience the working together the understanding. Men don't don't die without pornography and orgasms. Having a healthy sex life should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page. Not entitlement and coercion.

Gettingbysomehow · 15/05/2025 12:01

He sounds very much like my exH OP. Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did.

ForAquaMember · 15/05/2025 12:00

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 11:55

Thanks all.

Our sex drives are mismatched for sure but I think my low libido is really due to all the stress and the fact that any date nights/holidays etc are all booked by me - while he would like more sex there is no/little effort to improve things.

I get that many people watch porn - and if I had found out he was watching ethically sourced porn in a spare room - it would have been a non issue really to be honest, it’s more me having to see it come up on our living room TV, the concern that the kids could have seen it and that the girl was clearly young (I get it was a TV channel so what came up wasn’t chosen by him but still).

someone described it as the final straw and I think that is maybe it …. I’m exhausted and don’t feel i’ve any energy left in me to keep fighting for this marriage maybe

I do love him but it just feels like the effort is too much for me right now. Two small kids to consider who idolise him and financially it would be a real stretch for him to support himself too so i just few so guilty and that I should just stay as would be easier …. My head is wrecked thinking it over

As a mum I always imagine what I’d say to my child in this position.

if you have a daughter would you be happy for her to be in a relationship with a man like this?