Separating from DH with no warning

Please don't be an apologist for porn. It's disgusting.(Because of the human right buses involved) If he wants to get off why can't he use his imagination?

If you’re done you’re done.
You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Straw that broke the camels back situation, it could have been leaving a teaspoon on the worktop that was enough for you. Of course you don’t want sex when you’re doing everything and carrying him through life. Leave, enjoy the freedom and let him step up and realise what he was neglecting and how much Yoi did,

If you think seeking marriage counseling is exhausting, just wait 'til you get a load of single parenthood. Smarten up, girl.

I've been married for decades and as an older person, I will guarantee you that ALL marriages hit low spots and ALL spouses behave ridiculously now and then, including you, right now.

Sorry, but you are being a lightweight and you will carry a very heavy load for it.

Marriage. Counseling. Now.

You're welcome.

He has ruined his career,
He has a wife who resents him and has not forgave him for a mistake he made 5 years ago.
And he possibly feel emasculated.

Could he be suffering from low self esteem?

I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head. Deep down you resent him for not earning enough and for you talking on the traditional husband role.

Making him book counselling or whatever hoops you want him to jump is just setting him up for failure.

Your choice is either accept you will always take the mental load and move on from the past OR find someone more your equal and for him to find someone who respects him.

I suspect not only is the OP the "breadwinner* but she's also doing most of the SAHP role as well.

Good on you OP for taking the decision.

It sounds like you have been unhappy for a while and the porn thing was just the last straw.

@AnneLovesGilbert is right. You don't have to stay with him for him to be a good dad - that's up to him.

He doesn't sound like a good partner.

Good for you OP!! What a woman. I like to think if I was ever in that situation I would be tough enough to do the same. I have a feeling you will feel lighter and happier.

I think there is a bit of conflicting and irrelevant stuff here like the kids potentially turning on the TV amd you not liking porn but it not being a hard boundary vs the grossness of him pressuring for sex and not being a man in the sense of stepping up and being proactive in life, while doing stupid stuff at work because he knows you're the safety net due to earnings and mum positioning.

Basically I think its a straw that broke the camels back moment and you're mentally done working on it and ready for a new chapter.

For those commenting on the lack of sex- the OP states they have sex 3-5 times a month which is about average according to an article in menshealth (can't link to it but google if you're interested) The OP is hardly 'frigid', just a tired mother of young kids struggling with a husband who isn't bearing his share of the mental load.

I wouldn't end a marriage and break up a family over the porn thing.

You say that he's a great dad, does most of the housework etc but you're exhausted from making decisions. What does that mean? On the face of it having to book holidays and date nights doesn't seem like a big deal. It strikes me that you're basically in the traditional breadwinner "head of the household" role here - is that what bothers you? That you feel he should earn the same or more than you and you shouldn't have to make financial decisions for the family? Does he have any input into decision making or does he truly leave it all to you and never venture an opinion?

I can't see how there could be so many decisions to make that it's all so burdensome but obviously you feel how you feel

If he picked up his share of the mental load, the op would feel less stressed and likely be more inclined to have more sex.
He would rather watch porn than do any of the adulting.

The porn is the tip of the iceberg.

You haven't got a partnership, you haven't got a man who you can rely on, he won't take responsibility seriously. He happily allows for you to take on more responsibilities.

I don't blame you not feeling attracted to him or interested in sex. Once you take on the role of their mother, attraction disappeared.

He constantly fails to meet your needs. Can he change? It is possible, if HE puts the work in, but that takes effort.

It wouldn’t bother me if my partner watched porn in itself however when it is added up with all this history it would bother me. Plus the fact it was left on telly so the kids could have watched it.

Also @Ihatelittlefriendsusan are you really telling us that stopping being a sex pest is ‘making big efforts to address his behaviour’?

As in it wasn’t an obvious thing to in the first place and he went out of his way when he actually listened to the OP’s preferences?

He has made big efforts to address his behaviour and made changes based on previous issues.

Has he?
Has he taken on the responsibilities and decisions making the OP wanted?
Has he taken in some of the load so she isn’t as exhausted as she is atm?
Has he organised the couple counselling that was needed?
Has he done anything to regain the OP’s trust after acting illegally?

I mean… if you think all of those are ‘excuses’ fair enough.
But they look like a lot if VERY good reasons to me to say Enough is Enough….

Will your life be easier or even harder without him, If it will be harder then try marriage counselling

He has made big efforts to address his behaviour and made changes based on previous issues.

Personally your post reads like you are just looking for an excuse to leave him.

I'm not suggesting you should stay. The over riding message from the history you have posted is a lack of trust which is a complete game over for me but the porn seems like a really miniscule issue given the other things you have addressed and moved on from.

What else is going on?

You could make him responsible for organising couples counselling a condition of you not ending your marriage immediately. Give him 2 weeks to have the first session booked (including organising a babysitter). This doesn't mean the marriage won't end anyway but it's setting a boundary.

For sure - but then you take appropriate steps - which do not include watching potentially trafficked women and girls so you can get off

wanting sex is a want just like all others - not a need that justifies exploitation

porn does enormous damage to the women and girls exploited for it, to society as whole as it warps men’s views towards sex and also to the men who watch it themselves

You're at the end of your tether and it sounds like it's been a long time coming. I think still being salty about things that happened in the first couple of years of marriage after being married for 12 years would have faded from your memory by now if he hadn't continued to make your life much more difficult. The porn in itself wouldn't particularly bother me particularly in the context of you having a low libido but like you say you don't want your kids to accidentally see it.

None of those things though sound like the full reason what's caused you to absolutely have enough is been the only adult in the relationship. Why should you carry all the mental load why can't he make a decision? if he's a good dad he can continue to be a good dad that doesn't need to stop. are you running around after him making every decision just becomes too stressful. A thousand decisions you've been had to make and he hasn't is what has dne it.

The root of the problem is obviously not about him watching porn.

Its his inability or unwillingness to take on more responsibility for decision making which is the potential deal breaker. The other things have added to your sense of burden and carrying him. You resent him for it and the porn find is just yet another thing to have to tolerate but was the final straw. Your resentment has grown because he's not really carrying the can, you are. But you've assumed that role and you're probably the hyper competent type and so he's let you get on with it assuming that's what you want and he's gone along with it. Put crudely, its more a case of yre the alpha and he's the beta rather than ying and yang. There needs to be more balance in your relationship otherwise it wont work. Have a full and frank discussion before you definitively exit the relationship to give him an opportunity to pull his weight....or else.

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