Separating from DH with no warning

Sorry, but speaking from personal experience, that's too broad of a statement to make any sense. For example, who decides who is a "man child?" He may be that or he may be depressed or a wife's label of "man child" may not be accurate.

Leaving a marriage with children should never be done lightly. Marriage counseling is often a very wise move before that drastic of a step. Also, it's not only about what's easier for you. It's also about what's best for the children.

@AndiD87

Listen, anyone can end any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. You aren't happy, that's a reason.

As far as marriage counseling, yes, that's an option IF you want it. But marriage counseling can also be used to end a marriage and help the 'other partner' understand why a person wants to end a marriage and to help them accept it so things can be settled fairly and without acrimony.

At this point your focus should shift to making the transition as smooth for the children as possible.

AND see a solicitor, pronto! As the higher earner you need to get a thorough understanding of your financial position and wrt child residency.

Easier for you perhaps, but I think most will say being a single parent is extremely challenging.

Sorry, but being a single parent with kids is infinitely easier than being a single parent with kids and a man-child. Speaking from personal experience here.

Oh, unless you were criticizing the post after mine. Then, you'd be making lots of sense.

You’re not overreacting. He’s continually broken your trust and he no longer feels like a safe space for you. He should be sharing the mental load. I’m sorry it’s so hard to end a relationship with children but I think it’s probably the right move, unless you feel marriage counselling would help. Personally I’d be out.

And yet, you are not the OP and did not post your situation Therefore, the replies given don't have anything to do with you or your particular situation, do they.

And no, you actually can't "categorically" say that being a single parent is easier than being a married parent. That would be a foolish statement. And adding on a smart aleck ending doesn't make it any smarter.

Run along now, and go buy a thinking cap.

Serious question, I’m not being flippant- but do you think the stress will ease if you’re a single parent?
Perhaps with the children splitting their time between you both, he will be forced to take on more of the mental load. But please remember, in this split, the assets are likely to be split equally, particularly if it’s joint custody. This means, even though you have contributed the most financially, you won’t be walking away with the lions share. Unless of course, you were to have the children most of the time…but then that leaves you in an even more stressful position of having the kids on your own, with visits from dad, with less money than you had before.

That doesn’t sound like a less stressful situation but may make you happier.

Reassign the bills, the insurance renewal, council tax etc, over to him and in return, you take over the households chores. You don’t want the metal load, so put it on him. But you take over the chores he did before. I’m not sure if you’re going to find that any less annoying though.

I think the stress of your job is coming at a price. Can you reduce your hours? Can you look for a similar job with less travel? Until you sort the stress from work..it will bleed into family life. Yes, your husband sounds like a bit of a twat, but honestly, he doesn’t sound any worse than a lot of them out there. You sound like you resent his cushy life…..then don’t make it so easy for him!

1. Sort out the stress from work. Whether that’s finding ways to cope or evaluating if the jobs worth it.
2. Tell him he is now in charge of birthdays, Xmas, bills, holidays etc. If he fails, let him fail and let him deal with it. If he forgets his mother’s bday….so be it! Don’t clean up after him.
3. If after trying to sort this out, you still feel stressed. Then understand splitting from him will be a relief in some ways…but added stress in others. There’s no way to not have a stressed life with a demanding full time job and two kids.

I feel the same, and wouldn't tolerate porn at all along with the other points OP mentioned

Anyone who so foolishly micro-criticizes a post with great wisdom should pinch themselves.

You're welcome.

I think she resents him for taking on no load

and sounds like he should feeL bad about himself and have low self esteem - if he wants high self esteem he will actually have to do something (anything) worthy of esteem

I do detest porn myself, and my husband doesn’t watch it thankfully, but then we do have a healthy sex life and you’re probably being unreasonable to think he won’t look elsewhere if your sex life is non existent. Porn is a better option than an affair or sex worker! But obviously he should have been more careful with having small kids in the house.

It sounds like there are bigger issues in the marriage and you’re probably using this as an excuse.

@AndiD87 Most men watch porn. It was a mistake to forget to remove the channel after he was done, but otherwise this is a huge over reaction. Even if you kids had seen it, it would obviously be bad but would not adversely harm them int he long term (a glance is nothing)

Sound like you have other reasons than this, but just this? way OTT.

If my other half was away for the weekend, I did not have as much sex as my body wanted - I would be watching porn occasionally

And - after the deed, you often forget things, like hiding the tape!!

Do you live in Gilead? Men have been watching films of prurient interest since the dawn of time. In terms of the ethics, I presume you don't purchase any manufactured goods given the number of low paid and exploited workers that create them. Sounds like you have reversed engineered a reason to get rid because you are just sick of him overall

Anyone seriously finishing a sentence with 'you're welcome' is to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Having been married for 21 years, and now a single parent for 15, I can categorically say being a single parent is easier.

The children who were teens when we split will have lifelong issues due to their father. The ones who were little when we split and have been with me as a SP have far fewer issues.

You're welcome.

Harsh.

And as a single woman in her 50s, it's much better to be a happy single parent than in a miserable, unfulfilling relationships where you're doing all the work and carrying the entire mental load.

It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. The trust has gone out of your relationship, and I'm no expert, but from the sounds of it, it's not coming back. It sounds like you've tried hard to make it work and this isn't 'out of the blue' at all - if your DH has any sense, he'll have seen it coming. I'd do what you're doing, if I was in your shoes. Good luck with it all.

Human rights abuses obviously

Also, please accept your fair share of the responsibility for the current state of your marriage. If nothing else, you have been a full party to its deterioration, due to failing to seek marriage counseling earlier.

We all only have the tools that we have at the time and wisdom is realizing that, not continuing to do the same unhelpful things over and over again and expecting different results. In my opinion, there's more of an obligation once you bring children into it. Best wishes.

I never understand why people can't have a wank without looking at porn. I suppose they must have no imagination and/or memories to inspire them 🤷‍♀️

You can't improve a marriage when one person isn't doing their part in re building. The op has previously said it was on him to find marriage counselling and he didn't. She needed up having counselling alone. She is willing, he is not. Unless that changes its a dead end.

Straw that broke the camels back!!

I honestly think you will be better off out. forget that it will cause him isues - that literally becomes a "him issue" not a "you issue"

i know a PP said you are better of remaining married, but i highly disagree, the kids at some point will start to pick up on the resentment and it will have an effect on them. 2 seperate but amicably co-parenting parents is the better option.

(not to sound trite but... Get your ducks in a row- sort out the finanaces etc. I suppose give him a chance to book couples councelling and give it a go if he does so - suggest all this through email, so that when it comes to the divorce hearings there is evidence of you facilitating all this stuff so he cant throw it at you!

Good Luck

(please excuse spellings, its bright outside and i cant see the screen brilliantly!)

Obviously posters here, including me, have nothing to go on other than the points you have made in your post OP.

You say you have been putting up with things you are dissatisfied with yet you married a man knowing you were going to be the main breadwinner with better organisational skills.

You say he is a great father,does loads of housework and the children idolise him,yet you are frustrated because he is not good with organising finances or making decisions.

You are thinking of leaving him yet you've been having sex with him at least once sometimes twice a week and you love him.

You have a stressful job, 2 small children & you care for a family member & you say you are exhausted. If there was ever a marriage that is crying out for counselling before throwing in the towel it's this one.

The porn on the TV was no doubt meant to be a private situation. He had full responsibility of the house & children when you were away on a trip. He no doubt felt stressed on his own with 2 young ones as would you. He should have changed channels ensuring the children were not subjected to this. It was a mistake with thankfully no consequences.

He sounds far from perfect although from what you say here I don't feel its enough to break up a family. Minor changes with the help of counselling could solve many of the issues you describe.

YABU on the porn but you are NBU to leave him as you have obviously fallen out of love with him and could be more content on your own.