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Original poster

Separating from DH with no warning

166 replies

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 10:21

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

  • my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
  • We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
  • early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 17/05/2025 08:23

BigHeadBertha · 15/05/2025 14:27

Anyone who so foolishly micro-criticizes a post with great wisdom should pinch themselves.

You're welcome.

Edited
Show quote history

Lol at 'great wisdom'! Your user name is very appropriate.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/05/2025 08:18

BigHeadBertha · 15/05/2025 14:00

If you think seeking marriage counseling is exhausting, just wait 'til you get a load of single parenthood. Smarten up, girl.

I've been married for decades and as an older person, I will guarantee you that ALL marriages hit low spots and ALL spouses behave ridiculously now and then, including you, right now.

Sorry, but you are being a lightweight and you will carry a very heavy load for it.

Marriage. Counseling. Now.

You're welcome.

Edited

You have actually completely brushed past all her DH's misdemeanors and pretty much blamed OP for everything. He broke the law and lost his job! That's a terrible thing to do. Single parenthood is often preferable than staying with a man that you don't respect any more. In relation to marriage counselling, OP has said:

'Marriage counselling would be an obvious thing to do but I just feel exhausted at the thought of having to find a therapist, having to book, having to find a babysitter as no family near - just another thing for me to have to do and he can say he went through the motions. Previously he was to organise counselling but it came to nothing, I ended up doing sessions myself.'

OP will be better off without her DH. He will not be better off without her so he should be making the effort to improve their marriage, not her.

MintChocCat · 17/05/2025 07:18

I don’t think OP is “stupid” for separating with DH for the porn thing. It’s a perfectly reasonable boundary to set within a relationship and marriage. Men and women CAN survive without porn.

Anyway, it does sound like that was the final straw.

I can understand where you are coming from OP. I wouldn’t be attracted to a man like this. He sounds like a complete man-child.

Dogsbreath7 · 17/05/2025 05:30

He may be a good dad but he isn’t a good husband.

I don’t have any respect for porn ( what’s % of women who watch porn alone vs men🤔).

But really the porn is the match, the relationship full stop is the kindle.

Praying4Peace · 16/05/2025 23:30

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Brilliant advice

2024onwardsandup · 16/05/2025 23:23

Iceboy80 · 16/05/2025 23:20

This is nuts, his ONLY mistake was leaving the channel on. EVERYMAN either in a relationship or not is watching porn. WE ALL watch it and any male that says otherwise is a lier.

Its not a bad thing but most of the time women just can't keep up with our needs otherwise in reality they would be saying "I'm not just a s** object"

We're not with you for the conversation, let's be honest.

It’s a want not a need

and wanking off to women and girls who are trafficked and coerced is repulsive

if you think pornhub is full of women and young girls who are psychologically healthy and not vulnerable you are deluded

women and girls are not endlessly fodder to be used up because of your selfish wants

Iceboy80 · 16/05/2025 23:20

This is nuts, his ONLY mistake was leaving the channel on. EVERYMAN either in a relationship or not is watching porn. WE ALL watch it and any male that says otherwise is a lier.

Its not a bad thing but most of the time women just can't keep up with our needs otherwise in reality they would be saying "I'm not just a s** object"

We're not with you for the conversation, let's be honest.

Clownsy · 16/05/2025 21:02

I think you are amazing OP.
So kind and understanding.
I'm not.
I'd have been well gone pre children.
These men are a shocking burden on women.
Too hard.
I'm 60 and I see the regret of women who stand by these men.

Mind yourself.
You are too kind.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 16/05/2025 20:48

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Why can’t he pleasure himself without watching porn?

You can’t underestimate how insidious porn is. No man who watches porn should be near children. Have you seen the Ted Bundy interview just before his execution where he speaks about his extensive porn use, and says that without exception every single violent offender he ever met in prison was a heavy porn user?

Not to mention the abuse of women and children in the porn industry.

It’s not normal or acceptable and shouldn’t be normalised. If he wants to wank why can’t he use his hand and his imagination?

pookie999 · 16/05/2025 20:45

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 11:55

Thanks all.

Our sex drives are mismatched for sure but I think my low libido is really due to all the stress and the fact that any date nights/holidays etc are all booked by me - while he would like more sex there is no/little effort to improve things.

I get that many people watch porn - and if I had found out he was watching ethically sourced porn in a spare room - it would have been a non issue really to be honest, it’s more me having to see it come up on our living room TV, the concern that the kids could have seen it and that the girl was clearly young (I get it was a TV channel so what came up wasn’t chosen by him but still).

someone described it as the final straw and I think that is maybe it …. I’m exhausted and don’t feel i’ve any energy left in me to keep fighting for this marriage maybe

I do love him but it just feels like the effort is too much for me right now. Two small kids to consider who idolise him and financially it would be a real stretch for him to support himself too so i just few so guilty and that I should just stay as would be easier …. My head is wrecked thinking it over

He will make a great child minder. He has been a complete let down who gives you the ick. You're only in love with what you thought he could be. I wouldn't bother dragging this out with counselling. You have been settling for a third rate person. You can do a lot better and being on your own is a great option

horsenamedxanda · 16/05/2025 19:48

I would end my marriage immediately if I found out Dh was watching porn. He knows my boundaries and how I feel about porn and that I wouldn’t be with him so if he took that chance and was caught it would be no surprise to him that it was all over.

GiveDogBone · 16/05/2025 19:28

If every wife separated from their husband who watched porn virtually 100% of marriages would end in divorce.

Missj25 · 16/05/2025 19:13

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:20

Huge majority of women and girls (yep under age) are trafficked and forced to do porn. So anyone who watches porn and is aroused by it doesn’t care about that.

its not harmless watching pictures - it’s watching real live women and girls being exploited.

Show quote history

And loads are completely consensual , under no pressure & enjoy it , so stop talking Rubbish !!!!!

ThatDaringEagle · 16/05/2025 19:07

caringcarer · 16/05/2025 19:02

And not to change the Chanel after watching it so the next time TV is switched on it defaults to porn Chanel and the kids could see it?

Show quote history

Yeah, that's both stupid & clumsy but hardly a separation causing incident imho.

caringcarer · 16/05/2025 19:02

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

Show quote history

And not to change the Chanel after watching it so the next time TV is switched on it defaults to porn Chanel and the kids could see it?

Jesswebster01 · 15/05/2025 19:38

Seems like when you have mentioned issues before he has tried to change so he tries so feels silly to just throw it away espically with him being a good dad who pulls his weight. Men watching porn is very common this wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 18:14

SipandClean · 15/05/2025 16:44

Are you sure you aren't guilty of wanting to be in charge? Thinking you can do it better and not giving him the chance. I know I am guilty of this sometimes and then it becomes a habit. Like buying all the birthday presents and organising the party.

I’ll certainly think on this point too for sure!

thanks for all the opinions - many have struck a cord.

We’ve planned to have a discussion over the weekend so I think I’ll actually put it all on the table and see how we move forward and give things one last proper try - someone pointed out while it may be better for me it will really cause upheaval for the kids and based on this I think I need to really give it a shot before I can say I tried everything.

thanks all, I’m going to stop posting but appreciate yeh advice received.

OP posts:
Babybirdaugust · 15/05/2025 17:49

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 14:42

Thanks you’ve given me some different perspective there.

When we met actually he was the high earner however when he was fired from his job he had to take minimum wage jobs for a couple of years and his salary hasn’t recovered really. This finances aren’t an issue in that we have no financial worries thankfully - but he could not tell you one bill we pay, if we have any savings, or how much anything costs - even down to shopping as that’s all on me. I am not great with organising money and hence find always having to know what bill is due/if we have enough for xyz etc overwhelming ok top of the rest of the mental load.

Your right in that I do still love him, but I just so exhausted and undervalued and full of resentment that I just don’t know if I can fight for a marriage that I am drowning in. It literally feels easier to separate as he will have to be responsible for himself and the kids during his time.

For context, his not lazy, just very clueless really - it’s one of the kids birthdays Monday and like that he will be as surprised tomorrow as our child will be with the presents/party. Would not enter his mind to organise anything. If I delegate specific tasks he can do it but will never think to do it without being asked and gets lost in the tiny details making me explaining it actually harder than just doing it myself in the first place

Show quote history

Might I just point out it won’t be him doing it all himself half the time, he’ll find the kids a stepmum who’ll do some of the stuff you currently do. Obviously there’ll be a compromise in there somewhere, maybe her wage won’t be as good as yours, or maybe she’ll be less attractive or intelligent than you, but honestly he’ll just be glad to find the help again. If you seperate make sure you consider step family will be part of your kids life and husband won’t feel any different (ie he won’t be wishing he was back together because he’s so tired from all the life admin, he’ll be indifferent since he has someone else to do it for him now).

Raindropsandroses9 · 15/05/2025 16:50

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 16:29

Honestly I felt sorry for him and was really worried about him for him from a mental health point of view. I felt I couldn’t leave him at his very lowest when prior to this he had been an ideal partner in every sense (we had no kids at that time)

Show quote history

There can't be many women whose husband is 'ideal' in all aspects of marriage. If this Mr 'perfect in every way' exists he's probably divorced due to being too nice when there are 'bad boys' out there who are far more enticing. If you do end up divorced OP I've no doubt you will meet them on your journey for perfection. I genuinely hope not.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/05/2025 16:46

atata · 15/05/2025 14:44

This isn't clear cut either way op.

It's very often the case that women carry the mental load and end up feeling like their husband is just another child. It's a very unpopular thing to say these days, but women and men are different and it is accurate to generalise that there are certain things women are generally better at and there are certain things men are generally better at. Organising home/life etc is one that women are better at, generally.

You say you love him still. Instead of counselling, I'd have him read your OP and and your subsequent posts and explain it to him - he clearly doesn't get it. If he is willing to understand, then things need to be put in place so that you stop drowning. If he isn't good at thinking what needs to be done, then he needs to be allocated a massive share of the donkey work so that you are free to do the more difficult work. Such as - he cooks every day, he puts kids to bed every day, he cleans bathroom 1x per week - mundane things that don't require thinking, so that you have the time to actually do the thinking. Counselling is not needed - this is a very straightforward situation that you both need buy in to fix.

Your pov is part of the problem as to why men are continually let off from the mundane aspects of daily house work and the increase of responsibilities that come with having children.

SipandClean · 15/05/2025 16:44

Are you sure you aren't guilty of wanting to be in charge? Thinking you can do it better and not giving him the chance. I know I am guilty of this sometimes and then it becomes a habit. Like buying all the birthday presents and organising the party.

TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 16:30

You had your kids AFTER he lost his job for breaking the law?

Original poster
AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 16:29

TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 16:13

He sounds utterly useless.

FYI you can care about someone but not be married / financially entangled with them. What does he bring to your life?

Then there is this:
early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

That would have been it for me. Out of curiosity why did you choose to stay with him after he broke a law and lost a good job?? How old were your kids at that point?

Honestly I felt sorry for him and was really worried about him for him from a mental health point of view. I felt I couldn’t leave him at his very lowest when prior to this he had been an ideal partner in every sense (we had no kids at that time)

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 16:13

He sounds utterly useless.

FYI you can care about someone but not be married / financially entangled with them. What does he bring to your life?

Then there is this:
early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

That would have been it for me. Out of curiosity why did you choose to stay with him after he broke a law and lost a good job?? How old were your kids at that point?

Devon1987 · 15/05/2025 16:09

He sounds like another child you have to organise. Yes I’m sure he is nice and does things round the house when asked. But he is not your partner, he is a chore. Lovely as he is personality wise, he leaves everything to you happily. Happy to see you drown, he must know you are struggling.