Separating from DH with no warning

How are you today @AndiD87 ?

All the men on this post: "I can't believe you're dumping him for watching porn, how stupid, I don't see the problem with your DH wanking off to porn, porn is great and 99.9% of it isn't trafficked women, all men watch it blah blah fucking blah"

So fucking what? OP can dump him for whatever she feels like and if she wants to dump the useless waste of space then she can. Whether you're cool with your DH/You wanking off to porn is totally irrelevant.

I'm an older person too and my generation often elected to put up with useless/abusive husbands because frankly, there weren't many alternatives. Nowadays, thank God, women don't have to stick with a marriage that is making them stressed and unhappy. Do whatever you think is best for you and your children OP and use your energy to build the best co-parenting relationship you can instead of trying to resurrect a marriage that's already dead on its feet. Good luck for the future.

Nah, don't do that. He's a grown man, he should be able to handle the basics of running a household and family without needing his hand held. Women need to stop indulging this pathetic mock helplessness that lets men off the hook.

You say he is good at doing tasks when directed. So direct him and get on with looking after your family.

There's your answer lovely. Xx

Your feelings are valid, you need to work on you sweet and start listening to what you feel. You are important but sit down and have a serious conversation as with you feeling this way. Porn on the tv is a deffo no. You need to rest and make it clear he pays half to all the bills xxx

I think it sounds like you could do with some couples counselling. Your feelings are very valid but there are two sides to a story and I think a counsellor could help bottom things out.

If you love each other, it's well worth sorting the issues out together. Good luck x

Sounds like you have an extra toddler!
I get that many men are a bit clueless (mine wouldn't know what to do to organise a child's birthday party, how to book after school clubs, or how to pay for school trips), butbit sounds like yours doesn't know how ANYTHING runs in the world. How can he not know how much money you as a family have??

I personally can understand why you are upset but before you make any rash decisions I think you both could do with talking it out or getting counselling. He probably didn't think he was doing anything wrong and never thought the kids would see.

Your mind is obviously made up, going back on it will only put a Band-Aid on the relationship, which as all know, is temporary. Good luck Ma'am 🙏🏾

I listened to a podcast by Mel Robbins : : Trust your gut- how to make a hard decision (28th April). I feel this could be really useful for you.

Why stay married to someone if you don't want to have sex with them? That's really sad.

It's just porn not all but probably the majority of men do especially good men in relationships with no sex life. It sounds like you wasn't listening when he was showing his needs. But later down the line when you have bothered to make an effort you are then wondering why you found porn on the TV???
I don't know him and he sounds far from perfect . But maybe he is using porn so he doesn't have to go elsewhere to be satisfied.

"Maybe 'exploited' would have been a better word, and yes, I do believe all porn is exploitation.

What if he was watching bonnie blue...?

So… we should just accept it then?
Like we accepted marital raie, sexual assault etc…

Instead if saying 75% of men watch porn so you’d better accept it, maybe we should say let’s not accept it and if 75% of women do NOT accept their partner watching porn, then theyll have to accept it.

And it’s also possible for that statistic to change. I have a friend who stopped consuming it, and my partner did too. I’m not going to normalise or accept it, and setting it as a boundary within a relationship is possible. Your stat may or may not be true / accurate, but that’s not to say it has to stay that way. It is of course a choice.

Regardless of the porn consumption issue - there are other difficulties within OP’s relationship as well. Their relationship a multifaceted issue. In most cases it is better for both parents to stay together for the sake of the children, but not always.

You're completely within your rights to not want to be with someone that consumes porn. Be prepared for people to tell you all men do it and it's something you should just tolerate. The porn industry is disgusting and there's no way to determine if the 'actors' are trafficking victims, and even then sex workers are disproportionately victims of childhood abuse, rape or other trauma that makes them vulnerable. All that asides, even if we were in a perfect world where women aren't trafficked and all porn is magically ethical and respectful (don't get me into the disturbing misogynistic and dangerous 'kinks' depicted in much mainstream pornography) you're not unreasonable for not wanting your partner to masturbate over other people ffs. It's depressing that it's normalised to the point we are shamed and ridiculed for what is when you think about it a very reasonable preference. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, I know how painful it is.

@MintChocCatIt doesn’t have to be ok for her and if it’s a deal breaker than so be it but 75% of men watch porn. Younger men are more likely to watch. If we assume she also wants someone who matches her salary then that’s 17% of men. Now you need a man who falls in both very small buckets that she actually likes who is willing to date a woman with two small kids…I’d try to work it out with this guy given that he’s a good father. I think it’s that or accept she will most likely be alone.

There’s also the perspective of the kids involved who love their Dad. There’s no upside in this for them. They will go from a family unit to possibly being dragged into two blended families….

To be quite frank, Ghoul, I just CBA to write a longer post.

Maybe 'exploited' would have been a better word, and yes, I do believe all porn is exploitation. But the point was that masturbation doesn't have to include pornography.

I think what you said about the porn is pretty dismissive and minimising. Like a PP said, just because you’ve normalised it, doesn’t make it ok for others.

You sound like you could benefit from some couples counselling. I imagine you’re not going to be pleased to see him with another woman having fabulous sex and being a Disney Dad. You’ll be every bit as exhausted as you are now…personally I can’t see the issue with him viewing porn and it feels like you might be the controlling one in this relationship.

Hi OP, I know you are not coming back to this thread and that’s ok but I’ve been thinking about your situation and reading the posts.
I think people are getting too hung up on sex when the issue is trust. You’re doing amazingly managing to keep any sort of sex life going when you are considering leaving.
I don’t think you have entirety checked out of this marriage yet and I agree you should not do anything rash without considering all the options.
Also do not underestimate the exhaustion - mental, physical and emotional - that comes from looking after a sick relative. It’s a really difficult time and you need your husband to step up here.
You have given him a shock by telling him you want to separate. If he doesn’t step up now, he never will and you’ll have your answer but first you need to let go of the resentment over his job loss.
It sounds like he did a really stupid thing and paid the price and you’ve all been paying it ever since. He is living with the guilt and must know how disappointed you are in him. You overcame the resentment enough to have two DC with him so for their sake, you need to deal with this - either by talking it out with him, talking it out with a therapist or writing it all down, tearing it up and deciding to put it behind you. You can’t change the past, just your attitude to it.
Then make proper time away from the kids to really discuss your relationship wants and needs. Get him to bring his wants and needs to the table too. Both of you should write lists of what you want to discuss. Decide your non-negotiables and work out what you are prepared to compromise on. Listen to him. Only you know what these are. But one thing you could consider is getting him to do more of the things he already does which help - cooking meals, bathing DC etc, plus a list of weekly chores he can easily master that he does every week and is stuck to the fridge door. You shouldn’t have to do this but you are where you are. If finances are an issue set aside time weekly or monthly to discuss these. Set aside time for regular progress reports on the new arrangements. Give it a good six months to bed in. Carve out time every week for yourself.
Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you.

If you have a boundary about this and he broke it then I agree. Concerns about DC having got to the TV first also valid,

Also agree with you in general about porn. Just because some people normalise it even if it were a majority, doesn’t make it ok.

If you look into its effects they are all detrimental including on relationships, not to mention the exploitation involved as you said.

Ultimately I think you’ve just had enough of the relationship and aren’t interested in him sexually because of the earlier dynamics. The relationship was over years ago and since then you’ve been getting through the day to day, but being unhappy and stressed. Trust was broken with the initial incident you describe at his work.

Focus on separating amicably if you can and ways to co-parent effectively.

I don’t know if the porn was a straw camel thing or an excuse to end a relationship that hasn’t worked for a really long time. I think you’ve realised that he’s never going to be the partner you want him to be and staying in the marriage just postpones the inevitable.

Your marriage didn’t work out, it’s okay, it happens.