Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christening

155 replies

BB333 · 14/05/2025 21:30

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

OP posts:
Diveintoyou · 15/05/2025 15:48

CarpetKnees · 15/05/2025 15:24

That makes no sense at all.
Why would you ask someone who doesn't have a faith, and doesn't believe there is a God, to stand up in public and promise that they are going to support the parents to bring a baby up in the Christian faith ??? Confused

Show quote history

Because they can do that without being catholics. It’s not about them it’s about the child and presumably the people you are asking (as I did) care deeply about the child and the parents and respect their wishes.

They make the pledge to support the parents in bringing up children in the catholic faith. Using common sense why on earth would a non catholic be unable to drive a child to church, for example, purchase them a prayer book or listen to and help them practise singing a hymn, or be there to celebrate their communion or confirmation @CarpetKnees

RitaIncognita · 15/05/2025 15:43

Sayshesheshe · 15/05/2025 09:56

I recently became a godparent in a catholic christening and I’m not catholic, the priest was fine with it.

Show quote history

Plus, the OP should at least have veto power over the DP's preference for godparents. The godparents should be acceptable to her even though she is not Catholic.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/05/2025 15:41

BB333 · 15/05/2025 15:34

Maybe the word allowed and not allowed are a bit strong as I can assure you he’s not controlling in other ways at all.
haven’t asked DF to pay, but he’s paid for all other grandchildren’s christenings/naming ceremonies so he’s just offering the same to our DD too……. He’s seeing the funny side and has joked about how much he’s looking forward to it not costing him a fortune!

Show quote history

Honestly I would ask him to put the money in a savings account in your daughter's name instead and tell your partner that if it's a celebration for his side of the family, his family can pay for it.

Original poster
BB333 · 15/05/2025 15:37

CarpetKnees · 15/05/2025 14:33

So yes if everyone was together then the atheist and Christians would far outnumber the catholics
Grin Grin Grin
But neither myself or any of my family members would ever act in a disrespectful way towards DP religion.

Well, except for implying that Catholics aren't Christians Grin

No disrespect meant at all. But as an atheist I literally have no idea. Even got “told off” by the DP for calling the priest a vicar and the baptism a christening. 🙄

OP posts:
Jujujudo · 15/05/2025 15:35

CloudywMeatballs · 15/05/2025 14:51

Why on earth would you choose an atheist to be your child's godparent? That makes absolutely no sense, given the role that a godparent is supposed to play in the child's life.

Show quote history

I’m Jewish and I have godparents! I always understood that it was choosing people who would take care of your child if you can’t. I didn’t think it was a Christian or religious thing (yes, I know it’s “god” parents, but I presumed it was just a name that was used).

Original poster
BB333 · 15/05/2025 15:34

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/05/2025 15:27

It's really concerning that you're talking about not being "allowed" to do stuff.

What other stuff does he not "allow" you to do?

I don't think your dad should be paying for this.

Show quote history

Maybe the word allowed and not allowed are a bit strong as I can assure you he’s not controlling in other ways at all.
haven’t asked DF to pay, but he’s paid for all other grandchildren’s christenings/naming ceremonies so he’s just offering the same to our DD too……. He’s seeing the funny side and has joked about how much he’s looking forward to it not costing him a fortune!

OP posts:
Jujujudo · 15/05/2025 15:32

So he gets to decide because he’s the believer? Feck off! Your dad is paying and your child is being christened so YOU do whatever you want and tell him to invite who he wants. I’m so sick of men dictating to their partners how they want things doing. He has NO right to tell you who you can or can’t invite, especially as he’s not even paying for it!!!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/05/2025 15:27

BB333 · 15/05/2025 15:17

its the fact that he’s thinking about asking his cousins to be god parents…… yet I’m not allowed to invite my aunty and uncle let alone my 1 cousin.
im trying to do the same as you, I know the day will mean a lot to DP and his mum especially, but it’s very difficult when I feel he’s being so unreasonable. From the first day we met he told me his religion was important to him, and I fully respected that, I even change my work schedule on Sundays/easter/Christmas so he can attend as many church events as he wants. would be nice if recognised this.

Show quote history

It's really concerning that you're talking about not being "allowed" to do stuff.

What other stuff does he not "allow" you to do?

I don't think your dad should be paying for this.

CarrieLite · 15/05/2025 15:27

Just tell him they're coming anyway. If he doesn't like it, tough! Your dad is paying (I assume for the after party?) and he can't stop them coming to the church. Point out if Catholicism was that important to him, he would have married you before your child was born! He's being a bloody hypocrite.

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 15:27

Only immediate family, so you, him and little one? Ridiculous.

CarpetKnees · 15/05/2025 15:24

Diveintoyou · 15/05/2025 15:09

You are allowed non religious godparents

Show quote history

That makes no sense at all.
Why would you ask someone who doesn't have a faith, and doesn't believe there is a God, to stand up in public and promise that they are going to support the parents to bring a baby up in the Christian faith ??? Confused

CarpetKnees · 15/05/2025 15:21

It's been really clear to me what you meant in all your posts @Anxioustealady .
Not really sure why Hampton Place is trying to pick everything you say, apart Confused

Original poster
BB333 · 15/05/2025 15:17

CloudywMeatballs · 15/05/2025 14:50

As you're atheist why would you care who the godparents are? (I say this as a fellow atheist who married a catholic and whose children were baptized because it was important to my husband and his family.)

its the fact that he’s thinking about asking his cousins to be god parents…… yet I’m not allowed to invite my aunty and uncle let alone my 1 cousin.
im trying to do the same as you, I know the day will mean a lot to DP and his mum especially, but it’s very difficult when I feel he’s being so unreasonable. From the first day we met he told me his religion was important to him, and I fully respected that, I even change my work schedule on Sundays/easter/Christmas so he can attend as many church events as he wants. would be nice if recognised this.

OP posts:
Dollshousedolly · 15/05/2025 15:14

Your DP is being very controlling and edging you out of the christening. It’s all very well for him to say immediate family only when he has siblings, etc to invite and you have ‘just’ your parents. But he’s well aware of this and wants you to know your involvement is insignificant. Is he controlling in other ways too ?

If I were you I’d stand my ground on this and invite your extended family.

Toddlerteaplease · 15/05/2025 15:13

You are compromising on the baptism. He needs to compromise on the family attendance. End of. Though if he is fairly devout I can see why he may not want to turn it into a big party, as for him
its about the sacrament. You do realise that you will have to attend preparation classes don’t you?

Diveintoyou · 15/05/2025 15:09

BB333 · 14/05/2025 22:14

Not allowed to have the godparents I want as there’re not catholic DP said. He’s choosing the godparents. He doesn’t know who yet.
absolutely no word about going to any classes or anything like that.

Show quote history

You are allowed non religious godparents

ForRealThisTime · 15/05/2025 15:06

The godparents may need to be catholic, but you can have a say in that. Just as you can have a say in who comes.

It seems to be your partners event when it suits him, but a joint event when it doesn’t (like your DF paying!!!)

having his cake and eating it!

CloudywMeatballs · 15/05/2025 14:51

wanted2BThalia · 15/05/2025 09:57

Absolutely not true about Godparents. For a catholic ceremony you need one baptised and confirmed RC. I know this as my daughter’s Godparents are my brother ( Baptised, confirmed, RC) and his sister (atheist). It’s a family celebration. Everyone should come. It’s not exclusive but inclusive. My priest would be horrified at the thought of excluding even remote family members.

Show quote history

Why on earth would you choose an atheist to be your child's godparent? That makes absolutely no sense, given the role that a godparent is supposed to play in the child's life.

CloudywMeatballs · 15/05/2025 14:50

As you're atheist why would you care who the godparents are? (I say this as a fellow atheist who married a catholic and whose children were baptized because it was important to my husband and his family.)

Anxioustealady · 15/05/2025 14:46

HamptonPlace · 15/05/2025 14:42

The person ‘hiring’ the hall I would to mean the person who’s paying…but maybe that’s just me :)

Show quote history

"Booking" then? All I was asking OP was if by inviting more people, had she made a lot more work for him, as he's organising it. I was trying to help her understand why he might be unhappy so they could fix it.

HamptonPlace · 15/05/2025 14:43

Coffeebadlyneeded · 15/05/2025 13:31

Baptismal sponsors, aka godparents.

Show quote history

I’ve never heard that term used for a christening! You learn something new every day :)

HamptonPlace · 15/05/2025 14:42

Anxioustealady · 15/05/2025 12:23

I know. Just because OP's dad is paying doesn't mean he's organising the whole thing. That's my point.

Show quote history

The person ‘hiring’ the hall I would to mean the person who’s paying…but maybe that’s just me :)

WhatNoRaisins · 15/05/2025 14:39

For these sorts of events it's better to discuss and plan them together even if it is more one person's idea than the other. Do you really want to go through with this baptism?

CarpetKnees · 15/05/2025 14:33

So yes if everyone was together then the atheist and Christians would far outnumber the catholics
Grin Grin Grin
But neither myself or any of my family members would ever act in a disrespectful way towards DP religion.

Well, except for implying that Catholics aren't Christians Grin

Coffeebadlyneeded · 15/05/2025 13:31

HamptonPlace · 15/05/2025 11:40

sponsors?

Show quote history

Baptismal sponsors, aka godparents.