To think that abusers never change

OrangeCrushes · 2025-05-14T19:25:05+00:00

My ex was coercively controlling to me and dismissive of /manipulative towards our child. I left 5 years ago. Last year, he assaulted my child. SS and the police didn't care and believed his claim that it was a lie perpetrated by me - at least, they believed it enough to close the case and tell me that the main issue was that I needed to encourage the father / child relationship. In recent months, the father has been less toxic and seems to be treating our child better. He is possibly even slightly less nasty to me, though only just. AIBU not to trust this? YABU - people change and maybe he's better now YANBU - this is all a facade and you are right to be afraid

hellohellooo · 15/05/2025 15:08

@OrangeCrushes my bastard ex flung my newborn across the room

I refused access

I told all agencies what he did and it was not safe for him to be alone with her

I had to

If a man did this to a child is this not good enough reason to say hang on this must be supervised wtaf

Strangling a child ?!!!! Ffs

KawasakiBabe · 15/05/2025 14:22

They obviously CAN change, they just rarely do.

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. He’d been abusive to his previous partner and I know he bit the ear off his next partner, which was worse than anything he’d done to me. He just escalated. I see pictures of him and his current wife of 14 years and I just wonder what things she’s had to endure. Behind the smiles and family photos, I wonder what is happening.

I initially saw those pics and thought of how happy she looked and thought he must’ve changed but when my marriage broke down 2 years ago, the first bloke to approach me was that same ex, he’d messaged me within 2 months telling me how amazing I looked. I mean ffs!!! I ignored him, what a fucking tosser.

notatinydancer · 15/05/2025 14:21

hellohellooo · 15/05/2025 13:06

You need to refuse access to

He is a dangerous human

Unless supervised access can be granted it is a NO

My gosh some men are beyond vile

And then she could very well get the child taken off her.

smallglassbottle · 15/05/2025 14:19

Does he pay child support? Fathers often try for primary residence once the child is old enough to choose, in order to reduce child support payments. He might be playing the long game in the hope kiddo falls for his tricks and wants to live there.

Whatever the reason, don't ever let your guard down. He could be receiving therapy or medication which has taken the edge off his temper, but these types never change.

Courts and social services absolutely do re traumatise victims by gaslighing them and forcing ongoing contact with the abuser. Even paedophiles and violent men have been awarded contact rights by courts. Forcing someone to hand their child over to an abuser is a mindfuck like no other.

vegantart · 15/05/2025 14:15

They don’t change, they just hide it better. They will show their true colours once again.

BonfireToffee · 15/05/2025 13:55

ItGhoul · 15/05/2025 13:35

If there were no marks, I doubt it would be considered strangulation. Putting his hands on a child's throat was awful, but it's not strangling. Strangling means squeezing hard enough to cut off the airway. I'm not excusing that, but I think the fact that there no marks does shed some light on why contact has been allowed to continue.

In general, I think perhaps your case overall might be a bit more complicated than you're suggesting here.

I'm not saying your ex isn't abusive and I would certainly be proceeding with caution around him; I'd be civil and nothing more. But I think statements like 'these institutions are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and instil fear in protective parents' are quite revealing in terms of your mindset and certainly not an accurate reflection of the way social services operates.

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Being revictimised by the system tends to have an effect on one’s ‘mindset’ ffs.

Such an unhelpful, ignorant post.

Mrsbloggz · 15/05/2025 13:55

It is a facade.
He's being nice in order to get you to trust him again, once you trust him, once you let your guard down he will start punishing you for 'ruining his reputation', by which I mean attempting to expose him for what he really is.
He's abusive because he wants to have the upper hand, he wants to be in control, he wants to dominate, that's what feels right and normal to him.

BonfireToffee · 15/05/2025 13:52

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 13:25

I don't know how to explain this more clearly.

Social Services and family court are complicit in the abuse of children. If I withheld access from the father, I would probably end up losing all rights to see my child.

To be honest, I would be hesitant even to report abuse again unless it was life-threatening due to my previous experience with these bodies. They are not there to help. They are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and to instill fear in protective parents.

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I’m in a very similar boat, OP. No advice but I believe you, and send solidarity x

SpicyWater · 15/05/2025 13:48

ItGhoul · 15/05/2025 13:35

If there were no marks, I doubt it would be considered strangulation. Putting his hands on a child's throat was awful, but it's not strangling. Strangling means squeezing hard enough to cut off the airway. I'm not excusing that, but I think the fact that there no marks does shed some light on why contact has been allowed to continue.

In general, I think perhaps your case overall might be a bit more complicated than you're suggesting here.

I'm not saying your ex isn't abusive and I would certainly be proceeding with caution around him; I'd be civil and nothing more. But I think statements like 'these institutions are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and instil fear in protective parents' are quite revealing in terms of your mindset and certainly not an accurate reflection of the way social services operates.

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Wtf! Don't be so ridiculous.

Op ignore this mindless post. You do not have to explain yourself or the situation to anyone that is too small minded to comprehend it.

3beesinmybonnet · 15/05/2025 13:44

They appear to change when they want something from you, once they get it they revert to being abusive.

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 13:41

ItGhoul · 15/05/2025 13:35

If there were no marks, I doubt it would be considered strangulation. Putting his hands on a child's throat was awful, but it's not strangling. Strangling means squeezing hard enough to cut off the airway. I'm not excusing that, but I think the fact that there no marks does shed some light on why contact has been allowed to continue.

In general, I think perhaps your case overall might be a bit more complicated than you're suggesting here.

I'm not saying your ex isn't abusive and I would certainly be proceeding with caution around him; I'd be civil and nothing more. But I think statements like 'these institutions are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and instil fear in protective parents' are quite revealing in terms of your mindset and certainly not an accurate reflection of the way social services operates.

Show quote history

It's not strangulation unless it leaves marks? Wtaf? My child's airway was cut off. My child demonstrated on me and it was extremely frightening.

I assumed that Social Services was there to help until I experienced this myself. My manipulative, smooth talking and well-educated ex knew just what to do to make them question me and my motives...even though there was never any question whether I had committed any abuse. Once I reported, I was definitely the one under investigation.

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 15/05/2025 13:35

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 13:26

I believe that the strangulation was a fear/control tactic. There were no marks.

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If there were no marks, I doubt it would be considered strangulation. Putting his hands on a child's throat was awful, but it's not strangling. Strangling means squeezing hard enough to cut off the airway. I'm not excusing that, but I think the fact that there no marks does shed some light on why contact has been allowed to continue.

In general, I think perhaps your case overall might be a bit more complicated than you're suggesting here.

I'm not saying your ex isn't abusive and I would certainly be proceeding with caution around him; I'd be civil and nothing more. But I think statements like 'these institutions are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and instil fear in protective parents' are quite revealing in terms of your mindset and certainly not an accurate reflection of the way social services operates.

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 13:26

Dramatic · 15/05/2025 13:04

Jesus, what's there no marks on him? How can they just let him get away with that, quite terrifying. But no, I would never trust him. My ex (who is now serving a 14 year sentence for what he did to me) has gone through life abusing women and children. In my opinion he will never change.

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I believe that the strangulation was a fear/control tactic. There were no marks.

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 13:25

hellohellooo · 15/05/2025 13:06

You need to refuse access to

He is a dangerous human

Unless supervised access can be granted it is a NO

My gosh some men are beyond vile

I don't know how to explain this more clearly.

Social Services and family court are complicit in the abuse of children. If I withheld access from the father, I would probably end up losing all rights to see my child.

To be honest, I would be hesitant even to report abuse again unless it was life-threatening due to my previous experience with these bodies. They are not there to help. They are there to facilitate abuse by fathers and to instill fear in protective parents.

OP posts:

hellohellooo · 15/05/2025 13:06

You need to refuse access to

He is a dangerous human

Unless supervised access can be granted it is a NO

My gosh some men are beyond vile

Dramatic · 15/05/2025 13:04

OrangeCrushes · 14/05/2025 22:10

He strangled my child repeatedly.

Show quote history

Jesus, what's there no marks on him? How can they just let him get away with that, quite terrifying. But no, I would never trust him. My ex (who is now serving a 14 year sentence for what he did to me) has gone through life abusing women and children. In my opinion he will never change.

Clownsy · 15/05/2025 13:02

No they never change.
Never let your guard down.

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 15/05/2025 12:59

Interested in others' views on this!

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 14/05/2025 22:23

Springhassprungxx · 14/05/2025 21:18

I think you'll alwaus be on your guard which isn't a bad thing - has he met someone else who he is on his best behaviour for maybe?

No, but strangely my child reports that even he and his psycho girlfriend are fighting less. (They used to have huge shouting matches and reportedly sometimes threw things at each other)

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 14/05/2025 22:12

Greenartywitch · 14/05/2025 21:43

No they never change.

Assaulting a child is an awful and cowardly thing to do and there should never be any forgiveness for that type of behaviour.

I would do everything you can to keep that man out of your child's life.

Well, @Greenartywitch it transpires that my even reporting the abuse is evidence of my efforts to commit parental alienation. So I have to be seen to be doing the opposite - everything possible to encourage my child to spend time with this horrible man

OP posts:

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 14/05/2025 22:10

Quitelikeit · 14/05/2025 21:18

Yanbu

Avoid contact and conversation with this man as much as possible

He hasn’t changed at all

What did he actually do to your child?

He strangled my child repeatedly.

OP posts:

Greenartywitch · 14/05/2025 21:43

No they never change.

Assaulting a child is an awful and cowardly thing to do and there should never be any forgiveness for that type of behaviour.

I would do everything you can to keep that man out of your child's life.

Original poster

OrangeCrushes · 14/05/2025 21:38

toomuchfaff · 14/05/2025 21:16

How old is the child?

8

OP posts:

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/05/2025 21:24

It's certainly possible with years of therapy, self-reflection and willingness, but not that common. I've seen it in people who've made life changes, like alcoholics who get into recovery.

You could say something like "you seem happier recently. It's good to see," and see how he reacts.

If you can be arsed, of course.

MrsSorryNotSorry · 14/05/2025 21:22

They don't change. My narc ex did exactly the same to his new girlfriend as he did to me.