Is 2 months of dating too soon for the exclusivity chat?

"Why would you assume your potential partner is not part of the “jack rabbit world”.

😅

I think one problem and you see it all the time in MN is if someone is showing that they are super duper into you at the start people think it’s love bombing and a red flag.

my DH had been married before me and we were both in our late 20s when we met. We fell gazonkadonk head over heels from date 1. Saw each other every day as we both had that week off work. He bought me flowers took me to nice places and proposed after a week.

there was no room in either of our heads for anyone else from day 1

32 years later we are still madly in love.

if someone is still looking around it’s not the one.

You think only people who are jack rabbits feel the need to clarify the nature of the relationship they are in?

Why would you assume your potential partner is not part of the “jack rabbit world”.

You seem angry at the concept of people taking agency for their own lives and removing assumptions from it?

35 years for me. I'm 56, and if I ever find myself single again, for whatever reason, it's a pool I won't be jumping back into. It's become a muddy, murky, swamp and very much weighted in favour if men.

I have a lot of self esteem and self respect issues which I think is why I am putting off having this chat

Two books that might help you, @confused2233 :

• Women who love too much
• The six pillars of self esteem

Are you deliberately being obtuse? You must have missed the "in the world not populated by jack rabbits" part of my post. I'm sorry if that's an alien concept to some people.

The reason modern dating is hard is because women’s desperation to be “picked” and for a man hands total control/power over to the men. It would have been inconceivable pre internet dating that someone would be dating /sleeping with a guy and for it not to be assumed it was exclusive.. if they were seeing others an automatic dumping offence. Now women are too scared to even bring it up .. why ? You are happy with a guy who has sex with you one night and a different women the next ? It’s utterly depressing. Women’s low self esteem.. desperation, willingness to put up with almost anything in the pursuit of having a man .. anyone at that is almost of epidemic proportions.

Why is it “safe to assume that automatically means exclusivity”?

According to whom? Assumptions are a dangerous thing. This is why people have conversations to make sure everybody is on the same page.

It's one of the first things I discussed with my new partner. Maybe that's because we met through online dating so that kind of question was hanging just waiting to be asked. With previous partners I just assumed we were exclusive because we were dating, but that was many years ago. Times have changed so I see no point in not asking up front now.

Surely, you have that chat before sleeping together.

I would presume exclusivity from date 1, and I would ask to confirm this within days or a very few weeks.

You don't have to like me, but you can certainly take the time to figure out whether you like me before you go to the next person. And I wouldn't dream of doing anything else to them, either.

I think you should educate yourself a bit more on sexual health.

You'll get a lot of this about the good old days. It is pragmatic to check exclusivity when one of the main ways to meet a date/ partner is online. Different times, not the downfall of society (necessarily)

I used to ask before sex if I liked them. Given that ship has sailed, ask ASAP. It's not a proposal, it just saves finding out they're still out there merrily looking around when you're getting really keen.

I would avoid getting into chats about what's gone before re any other dates. Unless you both spontaneously go 'oh but I was only seeing you anyway!', just draw a line.

"There was no such thing as exclusivity chats when I was dating either but they're not a hard concept to get your head around and in an age of OLD they make total sense."

No, they only make sense if you are somebody who would be happy to accept the possibility that the person you are dating might be screwing around. If on the other hand you wouldn't touch a dirty sod like that with a bargepole, it's entirely unnecessary. It certainly wasn't necessary In mY dAy. 🙄

Women on here are told not to do the pick me dance when they find out their partner is having an affair But then are given the message its ok to do the pick me dance while dating
But if you do this while dating you are already showing him that you are ok with it. So it wouldnt be a big stretch for the man to assume that you would be ok with this much later on.
Know your worth from the get go.

(im using the word you to speak generally Its not aimed at anyone specifically

Well, I’m of an age to be a Boomer - I met a bloke, but before anything much happened, we had that chat.

I don’t share, and nor does he. All good. 👍

So what's the difference between meeting up and dating? And I love the phrase "qualifying stages" @LoraPiano , that nails it! I think each stage needs a series of tick boxes, just for clarity!

I don’t think it’s dating if it’s not exclusive. What you’ve been doing so far is meeting up with someone, not dating.

If you a not exclusive, I'd be straight down the STD clinic for the all clear. Don't people have a sense of responsibility these days?

In the past it was safe to assume someone you are dating was not dating anyone. Men seem to be introducing more and more qualifying stages into the dating process and women are just accepting this and working hard to get "promoted" and all these stages are conveniently in their control. Forget women waiting for a marriage proposal for years, now it seems a woman has to (as per PP's daughter) wait to be asked to be his girlfriend!! It's absurd and quite damaging IMO.

I'd have found this out early on. I'm not into people who shag about with others, so if I was having sex with someone I'd want to know they weren't also having it with anyone else.

Basically what @ViciousCurrentBun said upthread, namely:

Does anyone know when this need for a chat started to happen. I know it’s a thing as have an early twenties DS. His timeline was like this. They chatted for a couple of weeks and within 2 to 3 weeks of first meet they had the exclusivity chat. Then and this sort of blew my mind they became an official BF/GF after a further 3 weeks. I assumed the exclusivity chat meant they were GF/BF.

The criteria for BF/GF is The Talk. NOT exclusivity.

My colleague seemed as equally perplexed as I was. She said she was so glad she was out of the dating game this would have fucked with her head.

The young make things so complicated these days.

Maybe thats just ONE reason why some young women are refusing to date and it may be just one thing thats affecting the birth rate. Thankfully there are some young women who wont put up with it

I wish we could have one thread where a poster asks for advice about the exclusivity chat that doesn't get derailed with "bAcK in mY dAy".

There was no such thing as exclusivity chats when I was dating either but they're not a hard concept to get your head around and in an age of OLD they make total sense.

The answer is that there's no such thing as "too soon" for it - OP, all that matters is how you feel. It might not be what me, other posters or the woman next to you feels - you have to work out what you want here. If you feel you want to be exclusive now, it's not too soon.

You should never, ever second-guess that you'll scare a man off by saying what you want. The point of dating is to find someone you're compatible with: someone who's either on your wavelength or at least open to respecting your wavelength.

Either he feels the same way - great!

Or maybe he didn't feel the same way but he feels enough to get on board now you've brought it up. (This is usually how it works on one side or the other, because someone has to bring up exclusivity first.)

Or he doesn't feel the same way at all in which case he's not the one for you and it's great that you've found out so soon.