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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

185 replies

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:30

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

OP posts:
doodahdayy · 14/05/2025 15:09

Just tell him no. Stop dropping hints

Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 15:06

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/05/2025 10:21

@ZebraPyjamas is this right - you go to work and your ex comes to take the kids to school?? is there no breakfast club at school? drop them there and then no need for ex at all. I would not have ex in the house at all now that you are divorced!! he does not get a say in the matter. your house, your rules! also demand that he takes the children for at least one overnight a week! lazy shit that he is! I would also get a new lock on front and back doors because I wouldnt put it past him to have a spare himself!! also, are you aware how much electricity he is using in your house while he is wfh because you are paying for that?? laptops are now cheap to run!!

Edited

No, normally ex has nothing to do with school runs. He needs to bring one of our daughters to school for 5 ish days over the next 3 weeks The others can continue with their normal arrangement with me.

Didn’t even think of the electricity element! He was ploughing through my coffee pods the week he was here, that annoyed me enough 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 15:04

Thank you so much everyone. All the feedback just helped me to stand my ground. I sent him a message just giving him the timings for everything tomorrow and ended sayin he should have plenty of time to go home between drop offs etc and suggested a nice new local coffee shop he could try if not, kept it light. He replied just agreeing and saying all good. I’ve moved the spare key - told kids it was getting rusty where it was which is true! And I’ll try to make sure son or daughter lock the front door on leaving (rather than him) and throw the key back in.

Fingers crossed there won’t be any drama!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 15:00

Viviennemary · 14/05/2025 13:36

Was it once his house.

No, never.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 14:54

Roosch · 14/05/2025 09:59

Can you sort other arrangements for childcare?
He really shouldn’t be looking after your other children as well (the ones that aren’t his)?

All of the children are his. He’s not looking after any of the others on these days (or any other days for that matter!), just the daughter with medical needs currently. One of our sons gets the same bus as her so is tagging along for the spin because it means he gets an extra 30 minutes in bed!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 14:52

Feetinthegrass · 14/05/2025 09:59

The issue is the entitlement. That he can pick and choose if he has access to your house, whether he uses it or not. It’s triggering the underlying issue that he is also able to pick and choose how much childcare he does, how involved he is etc. You do not have that luxury. You are carrying the responsibility for everything day in and day out.

He could become self sufficient and be a proper father by securing his own accommodation and therefore parenting properly - but he chooses not to. He gets to call all of the shots. It’s all on his terms, which is why you are annoyed. Understandably.

So there was much more to the ‘I see’ than it first appears. It’s not his bloody decision.

On that basis I would say no, find a coffee shop. My house is not going to be appropriate as the emergency is now over. I am going to restore my own boundaries. He is doing this for his dd, not for you.

Edited

Thank you. You’ve summed up my feelings about this better than I could have!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 14:51

Northerngirl821 · 14/05/2025 09:56

I wouldn’t want my ex in my house under any circumstances and YANBU to say no. However I think you have blurred the boundaries a bit by letting him live in the house when the children needed looking after. That has given the message that you’re ok with him being there so he now thinks he can push that to his advantage.

You need to be very clear that he can’t use the house and then either get a key safe or make other arrangements so that the key isn’t accessible.

Thank you. Unfortunately there was no other option for that week other than let him live there. We started out alternating nights in the hospital but our daughter preferred me there so I ended up staying the remaining 4 nights and he was in my house for those nights then. My mum and my older daughter stayed for 2 nights before that but couldn’t do more than that so I was truly stuck

OP posts:
JohnMajorsChicken · 14/05/2025 14:50

Viviennemary · 14/05/2025 13:36

Was it once his house.

Does it matter? It no longer is, it's OP's!

Original poster
ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 14:48

TheHerboriste · 14/05/2025 09:50

Would he be willing to pay you what you’d lose in wages, in lieu of doing the childcare himself?

How many kids did you have by him?

Show quote history

No he absolutely would not be willing to do that!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/05/2025 13:36

Was it once his house.

SociableAtWork · 14/05/2025 13:09

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:36

No he doesn’t have a key but he knows where the spare key is. I thought about just moving that but he’ll be leaving the house with my daughter and son in the morning after I leave so could just take a front door key with him then (I’ve never let him do this but in theory he could do it)

Show quote history

This works a treat if you’ve got a chain on the front door, and another door you can use -

He picks up the children and goes to drop them at school. From inside, you lock and chain the front door. You exit by the other door, locking it behind you and taking the key.

He returns, picks up the spare front door key and has a lovely surprise when it only opens a small amount due to the chain being on 😁

He gets the hint and goes home. This worked a treat for me many years ago!

Intriguer · 14/05/2025 13:06

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Intriguer · 14/05/2025 13:02

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Dontbeme · 14/05/2025 12:29

@ZebraPyjamas do you have any family or neighbours that could wait with the kids until your ex gets to the house to collect them? They could lock up when he leaves so he has no need for any key to your home? I would pay someone to do it even, they lock up when he leaves and unlock when he drops the kids off. This is purely a pissing contest to him to show he can still push you around, even in your own home.

treesandsun · 14/05/2025 12:24

“hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see” No you won't the emergency situation that needed you to be here is resolved so back to your own place you go.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/05/2025 12:03

ps. We got a fake stone off Amazon for our spare key. You can move it around and the kids can ring you if they need it.. It was £6. If you think you might forget. Take a phone pic of the hiding place.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/05/2025 12:01

PrettyParrot · 14/05/2025 09:19

Can you lock your bedroom door? If not, I'd be putting anything personal in the loft (or where he won't look - eg the laundry basket 😁) and covering my room with post-it notes saying "I'm disappointed that you are in here, but not surprised. Get out".

But other than that, it does sound like you need to put up with this briefly (sorry).

I agree...

I do understand that you don't really want him in your private space... but I think for the sake of five days.. it might be a better idea if it s going to cause problems. Also for the sake of civil relations... I'd quietly do the following.
Firstly ask again what he means by I'll see.. and re iterate that he has other options. See if that works. Make your boundaries clear.
If you have to go ahead then do the following.

As above...Batten down the hatches. put all your private things/financial stuff and computer in your bedroom. You have locks for all the doors... gather them up. Decide which ones to lock whilst you are out and take them all with you to work.

You can change the front door lock if you inform your landlord..say some hooligan put super glue in it or something. He might have already had a key cut, so it's worth doing.
Ring doorbell - you can get them from Amazon quite cheaply now.. and the first month of monitoring is free so it would cover you.

Change your wifi password and/or turn it off before you leave) and tell him some blarney about wifi is on the blink and give him the details of internet cafe /library you mentioned.. if it's not fixed in time.
That will stop him getting into your wifi etc and accounts.
Then there's not a great deal he can do.
I'm sure someone will say that its all over the top, but at least you will feel that you've kept him out of some areas.

The three weeks will fly by. And then you have more time to plan out future arrangements that don't involve him.

Afterwards Book an exorcism or fumigate for good measure. 😂

Jeezitneverends · 14/05/2025 11:25

You can get a biometric key safe

ttcat37 · 14/05/2025 11:15

”I’m fine with you having access to my home purely to facilitate you taking X and Y to school/ appointments. You will need to make alternative arrangements for where you work, as working from my home isn’t an option.”
Then put up a ring doorbell, if he enters call the police.

Littlethingshelp · 14/05/2025 11:13

I don't think you should have to let him work from your house and it sounds like his work is flexible enough that he shouldn't have to. If he does almost no childcare, sounds like he can easily make up any hours if he needs to for the extra travel on some of the many evenings you are looking the children you are both parents to.

However, providing he was not abusive or known to be untrustworthy (I haven't read all the posts so may have missed if he is) I probably would find a solution to let him into the house in exceptional circumstances in a way I was comfortable with. It sounds like you have a lot on at the moment and he may need to be in your house again, although I really hope he does not, hope your DD is much better of course.

For me feeling comfortable with him in the house would probably include:
-a lock on my bedroom door, so he couldn't get into my room and I could also lock private papers in there.
-a key safe with a code that I could change, so I could give him the code and then change it after if I wanted.
-a ring doorbell or similar if I didn't mind the expense, so I could check when he came and left.
-a very clear boundary with him that I was trusting him in my home so he should respect it. Also that this is only a rare exceptional circumstance that means he is in the house at all, hopefully never to be repeated.

Obviously I would not be able to sort this by tomorrow, so I would say not for this week, but from next week he could as a very rare exception work from your house, as you are working as a team and you are being extremely accommodating. This is just me, I think you are completely reasonable to just say no to him too.

samarrange · 14/05/2025 11:08

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:36

That’s a great idea!

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If he has a decent amount of data, he can just hotspot his phone. 5G is often faster than domestic broadband anyway.

asco · 14/05/2025 10:54

Could you use your landlord as an excuse, tell him landlord knows he is there and has said under no circumstance can he work from your home, he's not on the tenancy and it invalidates insurance/contract? having someone using the house in a business manner?

Missj25 · 14/05/2025 10:46

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 10:24

It will just be daughter with current medical needs (and son who is taking advantage of chance for a spin rather bus!) others will be dropped by me. She needs supervision during those 20/30minutes

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OP if he does have 3 trips & it’s 20 mins for him each way , maybe persevere with it for another while 🤷🏻‍♀️..
It does help you out a lot with your situation at the moment , that’s the way I would look at it ..
You’ve mentioned it will be ending shortly, so as a short term plan , maybe not the worst ..
I also have an Ex , & like you , would hate to have to have him in around my house with me not there ..
With what’s going on for you at the minute though is different …..

SheridansPortSalut · 14/05/2025 10:44

Get a ring doorbell so at least you are aware of his attempted comings and goings.

TeenagersAngst · 14/05/2025 10:32

From your OP, it wasn't clear that this is a short term thing, not long term and not him casually taking the piss for no reason.

Your house is closer to the school, he needs to be at school three times during the day. The situation will end in a few days time. He might be an annoying prick but is this really the hill you want to die on?

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