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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

185 replies

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:30

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 15/05/2025 19:17

outerspacepotato · 15/05/2025 15:42

Change your Wi-Fi password.

Surely he can just use his mobile hot spot if he can't access OP's Wi-Fi.

Ricky10 · 15/05/2025 19:07

I would be concerned that he has had a key cut ........

Mrsgreen100 · 15/05/2025 18:39

Say NO !!!

Mulledjuice · 15/05/2025 17:33

So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her.

Had you actually used those words?

TheOccupier · 15/05/2025 17:20

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 15:24

Raging. Had everything sorted. Gave him what he needed for the morning visit to school to take with him when he dropped her off this morning. Told daughter to lock up and throw the front door key back in. So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her. He took the front door key from her and came back to my house. I asked him straight out when I got home a while ago did he go to the coffee shop or home and he said oh I just came back here. Playing dumb. I asked him how he got in he said I took a key. I have now said directly no you can’t do that. He whinged a bit about how this is so much closer and I said so is the library and the coffee shop is even closer. He said okay sorry I just assumed and I just said yeah that’s the problem. I could not have been clearer now this afternoon so he can’t pretend next time that he didn’t realise. Absolute fucker. He knew full well he didn’t have permission to use the house. I even moved the spare key and locked an internal door so he couldn’t gain access via the back door. GAH!!!!!!! Hopefully that’s it actually sorted now!!!!

This was obviously going to happen and you should never have put your DC in this position. Why didn't you fake an emergency to stay at home until after they'd left?

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:15

Thanks again to everyone who has replied. It has been very helpful xx

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:15

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/05/2025 17:08

@ZebraPyjamas I can only imagine how annoying this is for you. I take it your house is nicer than his? Does he eat/drink what’s in your house? I've a feeling he's not going to stop when the pickups do

i'd suggest getting yourself, as PP said, a ring doorbell and an internal cheap camera so you can monitor in and outside your house

He lives with his parents, cushy enough set up although they don’t really get on. Apart from drinking my coffee (he did buy some but has used more than he bought) he usually brings his own food & drink.

I think he was just testing boundaries maybe, like a fecking toddler. Lines have definitely been blurred over the last month or so but I think I have firmly reinstated my boundaries now and told him they need to be respected, he has agreed, admitted being in the wrong and apologised so I’ll do no more for now!

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:12

CowTown · 15/05/2025 15:33

Did you change the Wi-Fi password?

No, someone else pointed out he could just hotspot off his phone anyway.

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:10

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2025 16:57

Re rentals. You CAN change the lock, as long as you give the agent/landlord a key. You’re supposed to put the original back in, cost us £20 to swap out 2 barrels. Do you think he might have made a copy?

I’m in Ireland so don’t know if it would be the same here. Either way though I try to keep a low profile and only contact agent when I absolutely have to, I had a hard time securing this rental due to the market here!!!!

I followed up our conversation this afternoon with a text and have now had an apology in person and in text with an assurance it won’t happen again sooooo hoping that’s an end to it!

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 15/05/2025 17:08

@ZebraPyjamas I can only imagine how annoying this is for you. I take it your house is nicer than his? Does he eat/drink what’s in your house? I've a feeling he's not going to stop when the pickups do

i'd suggest getting yourself, as PP said, a ring doorbell and an internal cheap camera so you can monitor in and outside your house

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2025 16:57

Re rentals. You CAN change the lock, as long as you give the agent/landlord a key. You’re supposed to put the original back in, cost us £20 to swap out 2 barrels. Do you think he might have made a copy?

LookItsMeAgain · 15/05/2025 16:43

I popped back (haven't been here for a while) and saw your thread.

I've got a suggestion - that your rental agreement doesn't allow for 'strangers' (your landlord won't know him from Adam) to gain access to the property, no matter what the circumstances.
Could you approach your landlord (even for the short time you've got left here - I think I understood that this was a short term rental) and ask for the locks to be changed as you can't be sure that he didn't get a 'spare' cut during the time he had the key and some time to kill or say to the landlord a white lie that you're sorry but your Ex lost the keys during the time he was looking after his daughter and you need to get the locks replaced now. No one else need know what has happened.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2025 16:32

As a precaution. I'd still put all your private stuff in your room and lock it on the days when he's due... and I'd have a big notice on the fridge. I've asked you not to come into the house... theres a cafe x mins from school and the Library... so he can't say he didn't see it.

Its a pain and I completely understand how maddening.. but you have the internal locks for the days he's taking her to school... I'd also hide the wifi box in a locked room. And if you can lock internal doors to kitchen..and loos - do that too. It wont be worth his while.

outerspacepotato · 15/05/2025 15:42

Change your Wi-Fi password.

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 15:38

mrsm43s · 14/05/2025 08:51

Whilst I understand why you don't want him WfH in your house, the reality is he's being very, very flexible. Legally (not maybe morally) he doesn't need to be doing any of the child care at all on "your" days, and he's bending over backwards and being very accommodating (rightly so as a parent).

I'd let it go for the sake of 5 days. He's doing a lot to make your life easier, why not do this to make his easier in this fairly exceptional situation where despite being divorced, you're having to work as a team.

Hes not doing anything to make her life easier, hes parenting his child. The children aren't just the mothers responsibility.

CowTown · 15/05/2025 15:33

Did you change the Wi-Fi password?

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 15:30

TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 15:26

Why don't you get one of those locks that engaged when you pull the door closed behind you, without the need for a key?

I would! But it’s a rental and we can’t change the locks or door! I’m hoping I’ve been clear enough now, I mean I’ve been direct to his face so surely he won’t try going against that????? How could I have forgotten what an entitled asshole he is!!!!!!!

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 15/05/2025 15:26

Why don't you get one of those locks that engaged when you pull the door closed behind you, without the need for a key?

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 15:24

Raging. Had everything sorted. Gave him what he needed for the morning visit to school to take with him when he dropped her off this morning. Told daughter to lock up and throw the front door key back in. So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her. He took the front door key from her and came back to my house. I asked him straight out when I got home a while ago did he go to the coffee shop or home and he said oh I just came back here. Playing dumb. I asked him how he got in he said I took a key. I have now said directly no you can’t do that. He whinged a bit about how this is so much closer and I said so is the library and the coffee shop is even closer. He said okay sorry I just assumed and I just said yeah that’s the problem. I could not have been clearer now this afternoon so he can’t pretend next time that he didn’t realise. Absolute fucker. He knew full well he didn’t have permission to use the house. I even moved the spare key and locked an internal door so he couldn’t gain access via the back door. GAH!!!!!!! Hopefully that’s it actually sorted now!!!!

OP posts:
PansyPottering · 14/05/2025 17:51

You can change the lock in a rental. You just have to either change it back when you leave or provide keys to the landlord or agent.

I tied my DD’s key to her school bag with elastic so she didn’t lose it.

Lavenderosemary · 14/05/2025 17:36

Get a smart lock, one that you can control remotely with your phone - give him a one time PIN whwn he needs to enter. Put a ring doorbell/canera up inside your hall to be able to check the door is closed and put a ring doorbell up.

Caroparo52 · 14/05/2025 16:23

Change the locks snd "let him see " how that works for him. Bloody cf

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/05/2025 15:37

@ZebraPyjamas I would change the lock so that it can only be opened from the outside with a key, like a yale, and dont give him a key. once he has left to take daughter to school then he cannot get back in. he is a chancer of the highest order. remove back door key from hidey hole and any other entrance keys eg garage with door entry to house. how long is he in the house with your daughter for> an hour? half and hour??

Swiftie1878 · 14/05/2025 15:32

Mulledjuice · 14/05/2025 08:35

Change the WiFi password

This!

As well as telling him he’s not welcome, he needs to go to HIS home etc.
But if he tries to muck around, using the house without your knowledge, make sure he has no WiFi!
And get your house key back.

Nominative · 14/05/2025 15:31

Feetinthegrass · 14/05/2025 09:59

The issue is the entitlement. That he can pick and choose if he has access to your house, whether he uses it or not. It’s triggering the underlying issue that he is also able to pick and choose how much childcare he does, how involved he is etc. You do not have that luxury. You are carrying the responsibility for everything day in and day out.

He could become self sufficient and be a proper father by securing his own accommodation and therefore parenting properly - but he chooses not to. He gets to call all of the shots. It’s all on his terms, which is why you are annoyed. Understandably.

So there was much more to the ‘I see’ than it first appears. It’s not his bloody decision.

On that basis I would say no, find a coffee shop. My house is not going to be appropriate as the emergency is now over. I am going to restore my own boundaries. He is doing this for his dd, not for you.

Edited

I agree with all this, but isn't the problem that he may then say that if he can't work from OP's house, he isn't going to help any more?

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