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Original poster

How to navigate this mil/sil situation

32 replies

Helpinghand1234 · 13/05/2025 22:59

Looking for any advice/guidance how to handle this situation please?

I, 41f have been married to DH 41 for 2 years (together almost 5). We have 1 DS, 19 months, and I’m 37 weeks with our second child.

Our marriage has been through an extremely difficult time for the last 6/7 months, after I found messages between DH and my MIL on his phone going back to the time of our wedding. He was complaining about me, my cooking skills, washing, how I cared for our son, kept house etc etc. They had an extremely emeshed and toxic relationship, so she of course loved hearing the criticism and took it several steps further, calling me unstable, a terrible wife and mother and telling him he should tolerate me until DS was older and he could move back in with her and take DS with him. I cannot explain how hurt and betrayed I felt, and it seriously knocked my confidence and made me question my capabilities as a mum.

We separated for a few months (still lived together) and have only recently reconnected through marriage counselling where it became apparent he has been in an extremely abusive and damaging relationship with his mother since childhood. We’re very slowly trying to work through things, but I’m still not sure how things will work out in the long run- I don’t know if he has the strength to work through his issues and I don’t know if I can ever forgive what feels like a betrayal from him. DH has put several boundries in place with mil now and they have a sort of uneasy truce, but the situation is further complicated by the fact that DH sees in-laws every day (they farm together) and this can’t/won’t ever change.

Since I found the messages mil blocked me on all social media platforms and has made no contact with me or made any attempt to explain her behaviour or apologise. When DH told her I’d seen the messages her response was “she was entitled to say whatever she wanted about anyone.” I don’t allow DH to take our DS there as my view is if she can’t respect me (she doesn’t have to like me) and doesn’t want to communicate with me then I don’t want her around my child. DH says she regularly asks to see pics of DS and asks how he is etc.

Now my issue is when this baby is born, how do I navigate the relationship with her and sil (who has also not reached out throughout my pregnancy, which I understand to an extent as she has the same emeshed relationship with mil where she would no doubt be punished for being disloyal to mil be reaching out to me.)

DH says mil asks him how I am etc, and so I think she will expect to come and visit when baby has arrived, and I suspect sil will also want to visit with her DH and DC to meet the baby.

What do I do? Do I allow them here and just be civil for the sake of keeping the peace?
Do I tell DH they’re not welcome as they have made no effort to reach out to me, and mil has made no attempt to apologise for her hurtful messages over many months about me?

I’m so conflicted. If I refuse then I know that’s closing the door on any type of reconciliation in the future, but at the same time I feel like I’m being pushed into a corner where I have to once again tolerate their behaviour and keep quiet so as not to rock the boat, which is what I’ve done throughout our marriage when mil was always passively aggressively treating me like a surrogate or nuisance (I.e. held DS who was only a day old for four hours while I was trying to establish breastfeeding, and despite my many hints refused to give him back saying everyone had a right to their turn, would tell DH he wouldn’t be able to bond with DS if he couldn’t feed him, I had dressed DS inappropriately etc etc) I hate myself for tolerating this behaviour, but I’m worried this has made me unable to see what is reasonable in this new situation without bringing all of my bagge with me.

Thank you in advance for any advice, apologies for the long post.

OP posts:
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FloofyKat · 14/05/2025 13:56

If the in-laws can’t manage the farm without him then tough. Your H can leave and they can hire someone else. He’s allowing himself to be held hostage here.

curtaintwitcher78 · 14/05/2025 10:39

He is a greater problem to you than she will ever be. He was the one slagging you off to her, remember.
When was the last time you were truly happy with him? When was the last time you felt you could depend on him?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/05/2025 10:35

@Helpinghand1234 has your dh understood about the controlling and abusive relationship he has with his mother? does he believe this or is he denying the fact and has he told his mother what counsellor has said about it??

Lurker85 · 14/05/2025 10:16

SallyDraperGetInHere · 14/05/2025 00:00

When DH told her I’d seen the messages her response was “she was entitled to say whatever she wanted about anyone.”

And what did your DH say to push back on this? Did he say ‘no, you can’t talk about my wife like that’?

He couldn’t say anything to her about it as he was joining in. 😒

cakeisallyouneed · 14/05/2025 10:11

The one comment that’s really concerning here is the suggestion that your MIL would help to remove your children from your care. If your MIL thinks this is her giving an opinion, then this is a big concern. I would absolutely not be allowing any in laws to see any of your children without you and trusted family member/friend present as a witness and to step in if needed. If you are still uncertain about your DH then he won’t fall into this category. Your DH can explain to your SIL that as MIL has threatened to take the kids (and potentially still plans to do so as she has not apologised) you are naturally untrusting of the wider family and this affects her visits. You don’t have to let SIL meet the baby at all! But if you do decide to, keep it short, maybe in a public setting and bring a trusted person who is not your DH.

MyCyanReader · 14/05/2025 09:50

@Helpinghand1234 I'd let them sell the farm.

It's the only way to end this toxic relationship and allow you and your DH and kids to move on with your lives.

Your in-laws must be in their 60s and retired? So your DH needs to make the decision to step away from the farm, sell up, and start a new life. If he doesn't do that, it's going to be difficult for him to move on.

FetchezLaVache · 14/05/2025 09:44

(I.e. held DS who was only a day old for four hours while I was trying to establish breastfeeding, and despite my many hints refused to give him back saying everyone had a right to their turn, would tell DH he wouldn’t be able to bond with DS if he couldn’t feed him

Yeah, fuck that noise.

If your position is that they need to examine their behaviour, acknowledge their lack of respect towards you and then apologise, why should the birth of a second child to keep well away from the twats change that?

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 14/05/2025 09:38

Let them sell up. Dh nor your dc will want the farm in the future so get rid now. Encouraging them to emigrate is something dh could do right...
My ils haven't seen my dc since he was 3 months old. He is now 10 years old.. His dps have no rights to any sort of relationship with your dc. You do no wrong keeping them apart. I bet with your second dc you will grow balls and happily tell them to get thy to fuck....

S0j0urn4r · 14/05/2025 09:27

Them possibly having to sell the farm really isn't your problem. If they need your DH to keep it going they should have treated him (and you) better.
You need to move away with or without DH.
I hope I don't read a post in a few years saying "Hey, guess what! He's moved back with his mum and taken the kids."

Dita73 · 14/05/2025 01:08

My husband’s family are from a farm. I can say with total honesty that this will always come first. Even when the parents are gone,”farm life” gets prioritised over everything else,even their wives and children. If you can get out now,then do it. Don’t waste your time thinking that one day it will be different. It won’t.

Confusedmeanderings · 14/05/2025 00:49

I think I would be handing this one over to your DH. Tell him you know the family will want to meet the baby, but you don't want anything to do with them, so how is he going to organise that and most importantly how is he going to ensure the children's well being. It's his family, let him deal with it.

WheresThe · 14/05/2025 00:18

Your instinct is to protect DS by keeping him away from these people. Don't feel bad about doing exactly the same for the new baby.

Original poster
Helpinghand1234 · 14/05/2025 00:17

Eenameenadeeka · 13/05/2025 23:54

I definitely wouldn't let her visit, but honestly I don't think I'd stay with him if he won't take an enormous step back and see far less of her. Like actually leaving the farm and working somewhere else. It just sounds far too toxic.

This has been discussed as a serious possibility, but the issue is if he steps back his parents cease being able to farm and would have to basically sell everything. He’s looked at cutting down his hours and finding work outside of the farm and seeing if they could hire help instead of him, but anyone who know farming families will know how much of a hold farming has over some families, the unhealthy codependency and toxicity goes back generations.
The one thing DH and I actually agree on is DC will never ever be taken into the fold so to speak and will have absolutely nothing to do with the farm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpinghand1234 · 14/05/2025 00:11

SallyDraperGetInHere · 14/05/2025 00:00

When DH told her I’d seen the messages her response was “she was entitled to say whatever she wanted about anyone.”

And what did your DH say to push back on this? Did he say ‘no, you can’t talk about my wife like that’?

He did, but of course I have to take his word for it.

But I do believe him on this point as I’ve overheard him in the phone with her at various times and you can definitely tell their relationship is not how it was. He’s polite/civil but guarded. He says he’s told her some very hurtful but very honest truths and there’s no coming back from that, but it’s only scratching the surface really.

OP posts:
Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 14/05/2025 00:10

Cut her out completely

Your husband can maintain a relationship with her

Your kids only have contact when you are ready, and 100% under your terms

lauraloulou1 · 14/05/2025 00:09

Absolutely no visits for the first month at least - as payback for her terrible baby hogging last time. This is a hard one OP. You need to be a team for sake of your MH when baby comes and you need strict strict boundaries with her so I agree no more letting things slide. But the head space of actively being at war you wont have when baby comes. She comes no where near first month and then take it from there? Give yourself a break from it all and him too and try to just focus on your wee fam as a unit. Good luck xxx

Original poster
Helpinghand1234 · 14/05/2025 00:08

roseymoira · 13/05/2025 23:46

I would stay no contact, and i wouldn’t have her near your children.

Husband needs to leave the farm.

Did you post about this when you found the messages? Seems very familiar, if you are the same poster I’m surprised you took him back

Yes I did post back then.

I wouldn’t say I’ve taken him back, we’re in marriage counselling to see if anything is salvageable. But like I said, I’m not sure he’s able to do the work it would take to have an appropriate relationship with her as he has to stay in the business and seeing her every day does not help, and I’m still working through my feelings of deep betrayal and seeing if there’s anything left there.

It’s a horrible situation to be in and to be honest overall I’ve just been trying to focus on a healthy pregnancy and being the best parent I can to DS until baby is here safely and I have a bit more breathing space to think long term.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 14/05/2025 00:06

I would navigate it by having absolutely no contact with them whatsoever. And I'd keep my children away from them too. Also, I don't think I'd be able to forgive what your partner did. What an absolute betrayal.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 14/05/2025 00:00

When DH told her I’d seen the messages her response was “she was entitled to say whatever she wanted about anyone.”

And what did your DH say to push back on this? Did he say ‘no, you can’t talk about my wife like that’?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/05/2025 23:57

You've done the hard yards in terms of distancing yourself... do not allow yourself to be pressured into backsliding.

If she can't see your existing child, why on earth would she get to see the second born?

What's the logical conclusion of her meeting second baby?
you are going to show her the baby once then never again? .... nope.... it'll be the crack she needs to worm her way in.
she and her DH will expect the doors to be reopened and she can come in and trample all over you and pretend she is your childrens mother.... All this while you are vulnerable and post partum??? HELL NO.

Hold the boundary.

Once second born is safely arrived and a bit bigger please consider leaving him and whatever you do please get on decent contraception and dont have a third with him!

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 23:57

Absolutely do not allow them any access whatsoever to your children, they are not to be trusted. No visits. I would be asking DH to decline showing photographs too tbh.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/05/2025 23:54

I definitely wouldn't let her visit, but honestly I don't think I'd stay with him if he won't take an enormous step back and see far less of her. Like actually leaving the farm and working somewhere else. It just sounds far too toxic.

roseymoira · 13/05/2025 23:53

Yes it is the same OP, your husband was lying about you to his DM! This is such a toxic environment to be bringing more children into, please put them first and get out of there

Dita73 · 13/05/2025 23:49

Don’t let your children anywhere near the fucking woman. I’d ditch the husband too as he sounds like a spineless twat

roseymoira · 13/05/2025 23:46

I would stay no contact, and i wouldn’t have her near your children.

Husband needs to leave the farm.

Did you post about this when you found the messages? Seems very familiar, if you are the same poster I’m surprised you took him back

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