If you saw a bridesmaid crying ugly tears (not necessarily happy) what would you think?

I would roll my eyes if I see a bridesmaid crying thinking she is an attention seeker.

“single weekend break as carefree, single sisters in their 20s” IME that’s really not a usual thing @Friko …but in any case, use the trick of pushing the tip of your tongue up to the roof of your mouth anytime you feel about to cry. I found that very helpful recently at a family funeral. Best of luck and I hope you can feel the happiness on the day.

Sounds like they are sad tears. You’re a bit gutted she’s getting married and you feel you might be losing the version of her that you want - someone fun who wants to go out all of the time.

i get it, I remember when my Friends were getting in to committed relationships when I was young and single and it did feel like I might be left behind. Add in that you’ve been through a lot, I’m not judging. But think you need to reconsider trauma dumping your difficult feelings on your sisters wedding. Therapy might be helpful.

youre not describing proud happy tears here, you are planning to mourn a relationship you never got. Its totally inappropriate and selfish to do that on the day your sister gets married

Why do you feel it won't happen now? Imo life changes due to parenthood much more than getting married. Your sister is still available for fun when she's married.

I wish you all the best

Excellent advice, have a night on your own with your sister and get it all out.

You need to get it out of your system before your sister's big day. Chat it through with her. Or a friend. Find a therapist maybe.

Dainty little sniffles with a smile ok.
Great wracking attention seeking howls not so much.

my mum had a massive disabling health issue when I was 10, about a year after my oldest sister got married. I got married at 31. My mum died when I was 44. my parents and their issues has been a dominant factor throughout

at the many family events over the last 30+ years literally none of my siblings has made a scene, cried ugly tears or done anything other than celebrated the moment

we’ve had occasional sisters weekends etc

we aren’t saints but we are generally pretty good at working with what we have. You can’t live in the hypothetical.

I wouldn't think anything. Well, I'd think "Gosh, I wonder what's up with her". But I'd assume the typical kind of thing that makes people "ugly cry" at events and celebrations... Man trouble! Like maybe you'd just had a horrible argument with your boyfriend. Or some other falling out with a friend maybe.

It’s okay to feel this way.

It’s not okay to hysterically cry about it at someone else’s wedding ceremony.

Life and experiences and fun doesn’t stop when you get into relationships.

You do seem rather self absorbed, the way you say you’ll be mourning the “carefree single sister” life chapter you didn’t experience rather than being happy for your sisters big day.

I would feel really sorry for the bride and groom and think the bridesmaid was quite narcissistic.

You should process these feelings away from the wedding, in therapy if necessary, and then control yourself at the wedding and focus on your sister's happiness. If you think you can't, you need to have a good plan to excuse yourself, touch up your make-up, and not ruin your sister's day.

Also, she's getting married, not joining a nunnery. She can still have carefree, happy times.

I'd think she was upset about something. No more or less than that, to be honest.
If I knew her well, I'd go and see if I could do anything to help or if she needed anyone to talk to. If I didn't know her, I'd just check that she had someone nearby and go about my evening.

Having said that, I had to do the Father of the Bride speech at my sister's wedding as my Dad died when we were young and my 92 year old Grandad who had walked her down the aisle 2 months after a hip replacement was too frail to be understood well. I wrote the speech, learned it word for word and recited it about 100 times in the run up to the wedding until I was certain that I would do it without crying. I was terrified of crying in front of everyone and determined not to. But I don't think my sister or anyone else would have thought anything negative if I had.

You can go for a weekend away with you sister, she’s getting married not cutting contact. Are you jealous she is getting married? Something feels off, why would you know you’re going to sit and ugly cry? If you shed a tear so what, presumably you’ll still have a smile on your face because you’re happy for your sister? Just don’t sit wailing and no one will even notice they’ll be to busy watching the bride and groom

It does sound a bit like you are actively planning some attention seeking tears at the wedding.

OP if you come back to this thread, is there any chance you could get away for a weekend with your sister before the wedding? Perhaps your partner and her fiancé could help with your mum and let you go away for a bit of fun? X

I'm sorry for your mum's cancer, it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it 💐

Unfortunately, I don't think you can cry ugly tears without causing a bit of a scene. In your shoes I'd practice thinking about other things to take your mind off it/plan where you can nip off to if you feel yourself losing control.

I understand you feel like this is the end of an era, but it really doesn't have to mean the end of carefree time with your sister. I've just got back from a girly weekend with mine and we are both married and have small children.

As lovely as her wedding will be, her being married won't change anything really. She's still the same person with the same partner... they will just married 🤷‍♀️

This is you making the wedding about you.

Oh I’m a sentimental crier Op, I know how you feel. If I saw you crying, I would just assume you were emotional, it will help if you smile through the tears.

You’ve been through a hard time. Try not to dwell on all the emotion and history on your sister’s big day or you will keep setting yourself off. Obviously the speeches will probably be a trigger, but people will understand if you cry then. Aside from that, just talk sensibly to yourself. Especially in the ceremony, as you won’t have has the photos at that point. Keep a matter-of-fact / lighthearted inner monologue going, don’t let yourself start thinking soppy thoughts!

Basically, your sister and her husband are going to sign a legal document and have a party. Nothing is materially changing. It’s just an opportunity for a good bash. Keep reminding yourself of this!

She’s getting married not moving to the other side of the world - honestly, I did more with my sisters after I was married than before x
Try and focus on the fun girly weekends you can still have in the coming years xxx

With respect, you're imagining a life that may never gave happened anyway. I love my suster but even never gone on a carefree single weekend with her. And why should it be any different now? Just because she's married doesn't mean you can't do things together. You seem to be conflating mourning your mother with mourning time with your sister, when you can still have time with your sister. Talking about ugly rears is striking me as unnecessarily over the top.

I would pull out the wedding should be about the couple and not the bridesmaid if i couldn't manage that i would not do it

I understand what you mean (been through similar), but kindly, you are being ridiculous. My sister and I are closer now than ever, both of us married with kids. You just need to find time for each other. This is what spa weekends were made for!

There are some shallow people on MN. Take no notice. You’re not being unreasonable. Sound like you’ve been through such a lot together. But you aren’t losing her and she isn’t going anywhere. Her status has changed but it’s not a goodbye to you. 41% of marriages end in divorce anyway, you’re her sis for life.

That’s a bit harsh. The OP has been through hell and lost her childhood to the cancer her mother suffered and had to mature so fast and deal with all of this terrible ill health - have some compassion.

OP, I understand why this will be so hard for you. Does you sister know you feel this way and would talking to her about it before the wedding help any? You might find she feels sad in the same way - you both went through this really hard time together. I hope you manage to enjoy the wedding - there’s always tears at weddings for all sorts of reasons but hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy a good dance and some fun. Sending you a hug ❤️

I absolutely hate that time flies by so fast.

Its even worse when you feel you’ve been cheated out of a lot of it.

But you and your sister seem to have a really strong bond because of it.

You can still go out and have fun as a single woman or as a married one.

I do understand that you are more restricted when you’re in a relationship but she is happy and being married is what she wants.

It’s ok to cry. It’s a big day.
Just try and smile and say how happy you are that she’s getting married and how much you like her partner because at the end of the day your opinion matters more to her than anyone else’s.

Why not book a spa weekend away for just you 2 before the wedding?

Things often turn out differently than we planned. Wanting something badly is not a guarantee of getting it. Just be ready to enjoy this happy occasion!