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Original poster

To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

162 replies

GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 19:17

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 13/05/2025 20:20

GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 20:14

DD tells them, and on a day out over Easter with my parents she mentioned that she could get something "With the money Grandy and Pops (her names for ex-pils) give me as I have some left over"

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Well I wouldn't tell her to keep it secret but if your parents comment I would tell them to mind their own business and if they comment in front of your daughter I would be very annoyed and take it up with them later. Do they interfere in your life generally or have an opinion on everything?

Ahwig · 13/05/2025 20:17

When my grandson was born I set up an account which I paid £15 in each month. He had no idea of this until this year when at Christmas, he told us that he and his girlfriend were saving up to go travelling. They had both saved a couple of thousand and were working as many hours as they could. I gave him the bank statement and he was so emotional. He is currently having the best time and has been away for 2 months with another 2 to go. He is sending us regular videos and pictures. He will always remember this experience and not what he was given or not given at the age of 5.

Original poster
GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 20:14

Radiatorvalves · 13/05/2025 20:13

Stop telling them about the money she gets. And if they ask, say it’s none of their business and you will not be discussing it further. End of.

DD tells them, and on a day out over Easter with my parents she mentioned that she could get something "With the money Grandy and Pops (her names for ex-pils) give me as I have some left over"

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 13/05/2025 20:14

Definitely stop telling them, especially about treats and holiday money. If they ask, ask them why they want to know and why it concerns them. If your daughter tells them and they comment have a word with them when she isn't there and tell them to stop it. They sound very intrusive.

Katemax82 · 13/05/2025 20:13

Sorry but your parents are bang out of order. It's nothing to do with them what your pil do

Radiatorvalves · 13/05/2025 20:13

Stop telling them about the money she gets. And if they ask, say it’s none of their business and you will not be discussing it further. End of.

Original poster
GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 20:13

blubbyblub · 13/05/2025 20:10

Honestly if your parents asked me to stop giving money I’d probably double it. Just to be petty.

I might suggest this to Ex-FIL if my parents decide to discuss it with him 😂

OP posts:
blubbyblub · 13/05/2025 20:10

Honestly if your parents asked me to stop giving money I’d probably double it. Just to be petty.

Icecreammaninavan · 13/05/2025 20:09

Your parents are being mean spirited and ridiculous. Of course your ex partner’s parents shouldn’t have to stop giving your children spending money. It’s irrelevant how many grandchildren each set of grandparents have. I would tell your parents to wind their necks in. Jealousy is never a good look.

Original poster
GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 20:07

converseandjeans · 13/05/2025 20:05

They sound really generous & surely if they are doing the same for all the kids it’s fair.

My kids don’t think less of my in-laws because they give less financially.

Just put in Premium Bonds until she needs it. It sounds like they want to help her out.

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I don't know if they give the other GC holiday spends, I assume so but I don't ask.

OP posts:
Llamasarellovely · 13/05/2025 20:06

Why can't they pay whatever they're willing to pay into an ISA for her? Or even a pension. If they're interested in being generous, those will be far better in the long term.
If they just want to whine that it's not fair, well 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 20:05

SilviaSnuffleBum · 13/05/2025 19:59

Why on earth did you tell your parents to tell PIL themselves.
You need to shut this shit down.
You're the parent!

Because I knew they wouldn't! Or if they did Ex-FIL especially would shut them down quite quickly (DD is definitely the apple of Ex-FILs eye as she's the oldest GDaughter!)

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 13/05/2025 20:05

GrandparentsPocketMoney · 13/05/2025 19:49

Don't even get me started on the holiday money Ex-PIL give her! ExH never takes her away on holiday so they give her money when she goes away with me, often £100-200 for a week and double or triple for a fortnight.

My parents hate it, and think it's unnecessary! I mean I do give DD less spending money due to this money but if they didn't give it I'd still give her money so she;s having it either way. But apparently Ex-PIL are spoiling her and they can't!

Show quote history

They sound really generous & surely if they are doing the same for all the kids it’s fair.

My kids don’t think less of my in-laws because they give less financially.

Just put in Premium Bonds until she needs it. It sounds like they want to help her out.

minnienono · 13/05/2025 20:02

Tell your parents that it is isn’t their business, kindly of course but I would encourage dd to save half her money in a junior isa for when she’s older

ARichtGoodDram · 13/05/2025 20:02

Your parents are totally out of order expecting your ex-PIL to treat your DD differently to the rest of their grandchildren to suit your parents.

That's just batshit.

Might be an idea to start limiting how much you tell them. They don't need to know exact amounts.

Anonymouseposter · 13/05/2025 20:00

This is absolutely nothing to do with your parents. I would stop telling them about anything that doesn't concern them. The best thing they can do is give your daughter lots of attention when you visit them. Alternatively tell them directly that your daughter's relationship with her father and his family isn't their business and the details aren't really your business unless something is upsetting your daughter or affecting her negatively.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 13/05/2025 19:59

Why on earth did you tell your parents to tell PIL themselves.
You need to shut this shit down.
You're the parent!

MuggleMe · 13/05/2025 19:57

If they don't want to compete on pocket money they should put it away. Imagine how grateful she'd be if she wanted driving lessons or something and they paid for them.

beetr00 · 13/05/2025 19:56

@GrandparentsPocketMoney

Your parents are envious, sadly.

Money given, does not equate to the development of a closer emotional bond, does it?

SilviaSnuffleBum · 13/05/2025 19:55

This is absolutely ridiculous: it's none of your parents' business!

RubyHiker · 13/05/2025 19:54

You need to grow a backbone and tell them back off things that aren't their business.

Why do you even bother letting them bring it up
Just shut it down

BundleBoogie · 13/05/2025 19:53

Do they seriously want dd to lose out on a little pot of savings for her future because of their unedifying jealousy?

They put their feelings over what is best for her (of course a bit more cash will be helpful to her) but demand that she favours them? They are thoroughly unpleasant.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 13/05/2025 19:53

It’s £5 per week 😳 I’d honestly be looking at your parents sideways that they have even suggested this! They want your child’s other grandparents to stop giving money because they are jealous, absolutely sickening tbh if it was my parents I’d probably go low contact for that alone as in my eyes why are they suggesting doing something that would negatively affect your daughter? Bizarre

Snorlaxo · 13/05/2025 19:52

Your parents are very unreasonable.

Dd may end up closer to the other parents because she spends more time with them but if they think that the pocket money will sway dd then they can’t think much of her character.

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s up to ex MIL how she spends her money and she’s kindly spent some on dd. Half her age is a good amount.

PestoPasto · 13/05/2025 19:50

Your parents are being insane.

I would tell them to back off and not tell the other set of grandparents themselves as you have suggested! Presumably your ex in laws are quite hands on as they live with your ex so I wouldn’t be wanting to rock the boat with this insanity if you have a good relationship.

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