To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

A good relationship doesn’t evolve from how much money you can give.
Tell them to do all the things that money can’t buy and build a good relationship from that.

You can only tell your parents no, and offer them ways to bond with DD & shut it down. Otherwise it'll drive you mad.

My DM has always had the grandparent jealousy. First with DB's DC, then mine. She did ridiculous things to impress them & be their favourite.

I don't know why it's a thing as DM never gave a rip about us growing up & pretty much ignored us. I just don't engage.

I've never given my DGD pocket money. Or any actual cash. I have no idea whether her other GPs do.

But we have lovely times together, regular sleepovers, and we cook and do crafts together, or go for walks and chat. I love her dearly, and she loves coming to my house. You don't buy DGCs affection with money (though I can see that teens might be glad if it when they get to old for sleepovers and simple shared activities)

I would tell your parents to mind their own business. Your daughter has two sets of grandparents end of discussion

if your parents want to give her money then they can without you or your ex’s parents stopping

Your parents are being ridiculous. The more family members that love and like to treat your dd the better, surely?

I’d just say you won’t be telling PILs anything and to stop mentioning it and that’s your final word. Madness!

Your parents sound unhinged. What your ex PIL give your daughter as pocket money is absolutely none of your parents' business.

I think I would tell your parents that if your DD does end up favouring her other grandparents it will be nothing to do with her living arrangements and everything to do with their own batshit behaviour.

Even if you don't actually say to your ten year old, "By the way, Nanny and Grandad have asked me to ask Gran and Grandpa to stop giving you pocket money because they think you get too much" (which really would give her a reason to dislike your parents), it sounds pretty likely that they are saying and doing other nasty shit that your daughter has picked up on. They sound weird and mean.

Your parents need to get a grip. Your daughters relationship with her grandparents isn't any of their business. They can't dictate what the ExPIL give her. Why should your daughter get less pocket money because it makes them insecure. Honesty, they need to sort their shit out. They need to build a relationship with their grandchild because that's what will be remembered.

I think your parents are bonkers. Maybe a savings account would be better in the long term? You can’t really buy a child’s affection with a fiver a week you need to put in effort and time doing stuff thst they will enjoy / remember. Facilitate a hobby, my 10 yo love going to see a show, plant raspberries or strawberries with them.

A favourite memory of mine is visiting a family member who would put us to work and let us eat berries off the bushes and peas from the pod.

Whilst I don’t think that your parents giving less will affect their relationship with DD, I can’t understand what they want from this.

Initially I thought that they wanted to do pocket money without it being too much, but you’ve offered that they give instead of you and they have said no.

Surely they can’t want PIL to stop giving her money which she has got used to, and which has been given to all grandchildren? That would ruin her relationship with your parents as soon as she asked PIL why she wasn’t getting pocket money any more!

I give my DGS's money but they love me because when we play football I act as the mid field and let them take the goal scoring opportunities. I play chess with eldest dgs and naughts and crosses with youngest. I very often send my DD money to get them new coats or shoes and invert much doubt if that would impress them. They are Lucky they have 4 sets of dgp's and 1 set of great parents. There is no competition between dgp's although I am thrilled DD, sil and DGS's are coming on holiday with me and DH this half term. Your parents are being ridiculous and I'd knock it on the head immediately. Her other dgp's treat her equally with their other DGC, which is as it should be.

My parents are more... I don't know, well off? Than my in laws. My parents can afford much more expensive gifts and my dad gives my DD and DS a £20 note almost everytime he sees them which is often. Do my kids care? Nope, both my parents and in laws all 4 are AMAZING grandparents and play with my kids and enjoy their time with them. I'm not sure how it will go when they're older but for now my kids hand me the money to save for them to buy things later and want to see/love all grandparents equally!!!!!

I was thinking it was silly from the start when I was assuming that the PILs were the parents of her step father. But they're her biological grandparents? Sorry but your parents are being bizarre. If your daughter is getting too much money, get a bank account open and put some in there every so often. You could even ask PILs to standing order into the account if they give her a regular amount.

The fact your parents want your daughter to have less money is seriously odd.

Your parents are being petty silly assholes. It is not a competition over your child's affections and why would you listen at all to them, Tell them what your exes family do is up to them, why would you start a war with the ex laws over something so trivial and end up with them hating you.

Sorry voted wrong meant YNBU your parents are ridiculous

I’d have told your parents to mind their own buisness and never mention it again. I wouldn’t have entered into any conversation about this at all.

The fact your DD likes your parents but finds them ‘a bit intense and competitive’ is very perceptive of her.

I think you made a mistake in telling your dp to tell in-laws themselves - you've given them the idea that stopping the pocket money is something you will allow to happen, if your parents talk to in-laws. And actually, you can't control this even if you wanted to - you are divorced and have no real ability to tell your ex's parents that they can't give her pocket money, if that's what your ex allows. Your parents are bonkers.

You are also allowing them too much say. How your dd is raised, how often she sees her paternal GPs, pocket money etc are decisions for parents, not grandparents. You have to stop your folks from overstepping - they will just end up alienating your daughter in the long run. The best way to protect the relationship is to shut down this notion that they get a say in parenting.
It was outrageous that they think your ex should only have his child for one overnight - they've forgotten whose child she is!

Your parents are being weird

It's brilliant that your DD has such a close relationship with her father and grandparents. Your parents are not being sensible about this at all, sounds like they are jealous, probably because they can't afford to spend as much on her and they don't get to spend as much time with her. Ignore the batshit suggestion but think about what you could do to make them feel more secure in their relationship with your DD.

Does your DD ever go to your parents alone OP, ie, do they ever look after her, and if so, what do they do to entertain her?

When I had my child we had a falling out with my DH's parents, and didn't see them for a few years, so when we introduced them to our child, they went overboard with gifts etc., because they too were very wealthy. My DM felt a bit put out because my parents didn't have a lot of cash to throw around, but my child grew up knowing that the amount of money someone spends on you, or gives you, has nothing to do with how nice a person they are, and also enjoyed time spent baking and gardening with my DP's, much more than they enjoyed time with my in-laws. As time went on, my DM realised that the love and time, she spent with my child, meant far more to my child, than money ever could.

I'd tell my mum and dad to f off if they tried to dictate things like this! How ridiculous 🙄

Can't your parents spend money on taking her out for tea once a week or something?

Your parents are ridiculous. How immature to be jealous of what Pil give their grandchild. They ought to be happy for her as long as she's not spoilt and entitled. Tell them that what PIL give DD has nothing to do with them- it's her dad's parents and he deals with them as you deal with your parents. They sound so petty though that I don't know how you can stand visiting them without exploding.

You need to put your DPs on an information diet because they weaponise everything for THEIR personal benefit - not yours or your DDs. How dreadful to advise that a child only sees their own father once a month. Totally emotioanlly destructive.

Your parents sound batshit crazy frankly! Tell them that how you parent your child is absolutely none of their business and if your daughter's grandparents choose to give her pocket money, that's also none of their business!