9 year old hurting himself.

There is a fantastic support group on Facebook called Parenting Mental Health, you will find amazing advice on there.

A couple of things that might help a little at school - ear plugs/ear defenders to block out the noise from other kids and being sat right in front of the teacher so noise and distraction is all behind him rather than between him and the person he is trying to listen to (ds was diagnosed with Aspergers and can't filter out distractions).

Does he struggle with the lack of structure at lunch and break times? If at all possible DS found it really helpful to come home for lunch, it allowed him to decompress before the afternoon. Alternatively if there is somewhere that he can just go to chill out that might be really helpful, it's often easier at secondary than primary school though.

School need to understand that he is behaving badly because he isn't coping and that they need to be consistent with fidget toys and breaks. Taking them away because he's coping better with them makes no sense. You could try giving him a piece of blu tack to keep in his pocket and fiddle with, that often works quite well. Also find out why his desk to work alone at was taken away from him.

The other thing that may be possible is for him to be able to go to a quiet space or just 'somewhere else' if he is feeling overwhelmed in class. Again this is often easier in Secondary school than primary.

Finally I would also suggest that he might have rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's not unusual with ASD/ADHD and might explain why he really struggles with feeling he doesn't always get the help he needs and his struggle with getting things 'wrong'.

Good luck OP. there's a lot that can be done and may help but it needs to be consistent! Taking away the things that help him is downright stupid. I hope the school can see sense.

It sounds like the school have been making good provisions, I’d be demanding to know why they’re taking them away, when it works, they aren’t going to fix him, they help him to cope in a pressured environment, removing them is stupid it’s not something he has a lot of control over. Kick up a stink about the teacher taking this stuff away. Also EHCP as pp have said.

Just be aware that the school may say that he doesn't need an ECHP (I haven't had this experience but have seen other users on here having it said to them), especially if they don't see him having a problem. You can push back on this or apply yourselves, but absolutely do apply for one regardless, it is invaluable now but also through secondary school. You are also able to stipulate on the form if you have interest in specialist schools. I don't know where you're based, but there might be a school like What we do - 3Dimensions near you, which follows the mainstream curriculum but has specialist mental health and ASD support (And so have a level of understanding that mainstream teachers just don't). You can stipulate that you have interest in a specific school on the application form and they can consider whether they have the funding and the place for him.

I sort of understand that, but I sort of don’t. If you were suicidal you’d not hesitate before taking medication. But we put our kids through years of not-very-helpful or impactful or consistent groups and therapies and I honestly think it’s kinda wrong.

My daughter would be dead now without medication, that’s all I know. Trust me when I say you don’t want to have to live with how close you came to tragedy.

Three years later and my husband and I are both still struggling mentally. But my daughter has been on medication for about a year and is doing brilliantly.

Honestly, at 9, I’d try to get right on top of this with medication . My daughter started the same at 9 and went undiagnosed until 13, when she was highly suicidal and doing very dangerous things.

If he has a diagnosis I’d be asking about medication. You wouldn’t expect an adult struggling so significantly with normal daily life to get by with a fidget toy.

Good advice from xmasdealhunter.

Pete Wharmby's Untypical may be useful here if you haven't read it already. I'd also recomend Ross Greene's Plan B approach.

And - write to school saying what you have said and that it's a safeguarding fail to have taken away the reasonable adjustments he needs.

Take him up to A&E.

They'll do a mental health check and a referral to other services.

Does he have an EHCP? This would be my first port of call, you can request one yourself and it is a huge help in pushing for additional support/ accommodations. Children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND): Extra help - GOV.UK. I'd apply for this ASAP (if you haven't already) as sometimes they can take a little while to come through. I'd also be looking at getting weekly counselling sessions for him, even if it's just an outlet where he feels he can totally open up as he did with CAHMS. It might also be worth applying for DSA, it can be hard to get so no way to say for sure you'd get awarded it, but it could help towards the cost of any counselling Disability Living Allowance (DLA) for children: Overview - GOV.UK.

In terms of what support to ask for, it needs to be made clear to the teacher that the fidget toy is to stay with him if that is what is helping to regulate him in class, as well as being allowed sensory breaks and his own table back again.

Whereabouts are you based? Would an independent school financially be an option? It might mean he got more 1-1 support which could benefit his frustration.