9 year old hurting himself.

Heartbeats18 · 2025-05-13T16:34:12+00:00

I don't know where to start other than say my 9 year old son has harmed himself and threatened to hurt himself with scissors. The first time was at home, he cut his finger with a pair of scissors and gave himself a small paper cut type wound. We have managed to deal with this behaviour at home but he recently threatened to stab himself in the stomach with scissors whilst at school, he took the scissors and made an attempt. He then punched himself in the face and attempted to strangle himself in the school toilet. This happened on a friday afternoon, and the senco teacher rang twice but i missed the call , I rang back and the receptionist said she had left early so to ring back Monday. My son then went to an external afterschool club where he told a member of staff what had happened, that staff member told me when I picked him up at 6pm. I was heartbroken I wasn't there for him when he was feeling this way. We got through the weekend but I didn't send him to school Monday and rang CAMHS who saw him, he opened up and said he wanted to end his life but he said these feelings usually happen when he his frustrated and angry. He said its mainly school that makes him feel angry, he said he isn't able to finish his work as the teacher takes it off him and then he has to stay in at breaktimes to finish it. He said he finds the classroom distracting and noisy, he did have his own table which meant he got distracted less but this got took off him and he isn't allowed sensory breaks anymore or his fidget ( we think he does well for a week having the breaks etc but then when the teacher sees tht he is doing well, then it gets took off him again because the teacher then feels he doesn't need the breaks or fidget toys) He has recently been diagnosed as ASD ( I know the term isn't used anymore but it would be more aspergers or high functioning ASD if i had to describe it) he's very clever and is in the top groups, he says he can do the work but sometimes says he is struggling and when he asks for help he doesn't get it and them when he gets something wrong he really struggles with that. I guess I'm asking what should I be asking for to best support him at school, me and dad feel so lost. It feel like they aren't taking his needs seriously. It was so upsetting to hear him say he doesn't want to live, he wants to be off this earth. He said he hates school, he hate all the rules. He said he wants to destroy school. He hates how he is spoken to at school. These behaviours are the worst in a long list of behaviours that we have normally been able to manage at home. Has anyone been through something similar? We are totally lost and i feel like we are failing him, we worry he will really hurt himself or worse. He seems to understand what death means but he doesn't seem bothered.

Snickersnack1 · 29/05/2025 19:01

Heartbeats18 · 29/05/2025 14:16

The sendco isn't great and her response when I asked could he have an extra five minutes to complete his work was ' the problem with him is he gets distracted so when everyone else has finished, he then gets upset when he can't finish his work' ( he is on the adhd pathway) she also said she thinks his behaviours are because ' now it all out in the open, he's doing these self harm behaviours because he can' she was also the one when he threatened to stab himself whilst holding a pair of scissor and when he took himself to the toilet to strangle himself and punch himself , she rang me twice. I rang back and was told by a receptionist she had gone home and to ring Monday ( it was friday) so she didn't make any effort to ring my work number or dad or dad's work number. She sent him to after school club upset and heightened, she didn't tell the staff at after school club ( its an external after school club) what had happened either so my son was left feeling this way and no one cared or listen to him to ask why he felt this way :( she also doesn't let him have fidgets because they are noisy and they give him sensory breaks but take them off him when he appears to be coping better. He is an amazing, kind, polite little boy but because he is academically bright, he just gets overlooked.

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She sounds terrible. Of all the teachers, she is meant to be the one advocating for your son. I hope things improve for your little boy.

Start researching secondary schools and choose one with an inclusive ethos. It might not be the one with the best results or the best ofsted report, but sometimes that’s a sign that they value the children’s wellbeing over rests and box-ticking, which is a plus in my book.

Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 29/05/2025 14:16

Snickersnack1 · 29/05/2025 12:24

The school should be differentiating for him and giving him work that he is able to complete within the allocated time.
Sounds like they are setting him up to fail by giving him more than he can manage and then denying him playtime. That is just cruel. Children have a right to play. You need to be speaking to the SENCO and asking her to ensure that the class teacher is differentiating the work appropriately.

The sendco isn't great and her response when I asked could he have an extra five minutes to complete his work was ' the problem with him is he gets distracted so when everyone else has finished, he then gets upset when he can't finish his work' ( he is on the adhd pathway) she also said she thinks his behaviours are because ' now it all out in the open, he's doing these self harm behaviours because he can' she was also the one when he threatened to stab himself whilst holding a pair of scissor and when he took himself to the toilet to strangle himself and punch himself , she rang me twice. I rang back and was told by a receptionist she had gone home and to ring Monday ( it was friday) so she didn't make any effort to ring my work number or dad or dad's work number. She sent him to after school club upset and heightened, she didn't tell the staff at after school club ( its an external after school club) what had happened either so my son was left feeling this way and no one cared or listen to him to ask why he felt this way :( she also doesn't let him have fidgets because they are noisy and they give him sensory breaks but take them off him when he appears to be coping better. He is an amazing, kind, polite little boy but because he is academically bright, he just gets overlooked.

OP posts:

Snickersnack1 · 29/05/2025 12:25

Heartbeats18 · 29/05/2025 11:53

UPDATE. We saw out local camhs team ( not the crisis team) and omg, the professional we saw, her name was Kelly. She was brilliant. She said these self harm behaviours are a result of his unmet needs at school. He's becoming angry and upset (more so at school) eading to self harm behaviour because his needs are not being met. She recommended a sensory assessment, OT assessment for dyspraxia, and hypermobility. She said she wanted school to initiate the EHCP process as a matter of urgency. She said these behaviour are only going to get worse if he continues to be overlooked. She said the fact he is a high achiever means that the school are happy because they are ticking boxes which allows them to be seen as high achieving school or something along those lines. She said he is being told he is naughty by teachers because they see him as clever so they expect that he should be able to manage his emotions and generally behave in a way that other neurotypical kids do. She said this behaviour will get worse and steps need to be put in place. She really advocated for him and we went in expecting to be fobbed off but she engaged with him, listening and really understood what he was telling her. He was diagnosed as ASD ( we haven't had the report yet) so she said she will also chase that up. I feel like there is hope!

Just read your update, well done, sounds like things are moving in a positive direction and his needs are being recognised.

Snickersnack1 · 29/05/2025 12:24

The school should be differentiating for him and giving him work that he is able to complete within the allocated time.
Sounds like they are setting him up to fail by giving him more than he can manage and then denying him playtime. That is just cruel. Children have a right to play. You need to be speaking to the SENCO and asking her to ensure that the class teacher is differentiating the work appropriately.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 29/05/2025 12:21

Oh @Heartbeats18, my heart goes out to you.

My situation is different and I'm in another country so I can't give advice but I can tell you that I've been there. My DS became paralyzed at the age of 5 in a car accident. Age 9 was a particularly bad year for him.

I completely get the heartbreak of hearing your 9 year old say he doesn't want to live anymore. I always felt the word 'heartbreak' doesn't even come close to how it actually feels. We got through that year but I was waiting for puberty and tried to be prepared for more depression and last year, age 12, again was horrific.

He now takes an anti-depressant and we've found a brilliant psychologist that clicked with him. I do anticipate more bad years, but for now we are okay again.

So, no real help or advice... just... I know. You just keep plugging away at getting him help and know that I am thinking of you

Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 29/05/2025 11:53

UPDATE. We saw out local camhs team ( not the crisis team) and omg, the professional we saw, her name was Kelly. She was brilliant. She said these self harm behaviours are a result of his unmet needs at school. He's becoming angry and upset (more so at school) eading to self harm behaviour because his needs are not being met. She recommended a sensory assessment, OT assessment for dyspraxia, and hypermobility. She said she wanted school to initiate the EHCP process as a matter of urgency. She said these behaviour are only going to get worse if he continues to be overlooked. She said the fact he is a high achiever means that the school are happy because they are ticking boxes which allows them to be seen as high achieving school or something along those lines. She said he is being told he is naughty by teachers because they see him as clever so they expect that he should be able to manage his emotions and generally behave in a way that other neurotypical kids do. She said this behaviour will get worse and steps need to be put in place. She really advocated for him and we went in expecting to be fobbed off but she engaged with him, listening and really understood what he was telling her. He was diagnosed as ASD ( we haven't had the report yet) so she said she will also chase that up. I feel like there is hope!

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BrentfordForever · 19/05/2025 22:29

So camhs recommended just play therapy for a kid in this state ? Did they not discuss medication?

personally id go to a private psychiatrist for meds, poor kid he needs medical intervention

GingerPaste · 19/05/2025 21:08

No advice, but poor kid and poor you.

It’s heartbreaking to see your children suffering with MH issues. Thinking of you both xx

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/05/2025 21:05

'now its all out in the open and he is able to talk about it then that's why he's doing it because basically he can'

🤬

You were very restrained, I’d have lamped her tbh.

b0zza1 · 19/05/2025 18:36

Well done for saying you didn't agree and walking away. One of the most confusing and infuriating things about having a SEN child is that many of the professionals employed to support them don't get it and even make things worse!
These are charities for children experiencing suicidal thoughts

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

https://theolliefoundation.org/

And I really recommend joining the Not Fine In School private parent FB support group
www.facebook.com/NotFineInSchoolPublicPage/?locale=en_GB

Papyrus UK Suicide Prevention | Prevention of Young Suicide

PAPYRUS UK is a charity for the prevention of young suicide (under 35) in the UK | Call PAPYRUS HOPELINE247 on 0800 068 4141 Now

https://www.papyrus-uk.org

Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 19/05/2025 18:06

I rang the crisis line again. They were not helpful. They said he had been discharged yesterday with a refferal for early help team, listening therapy and that was is it. They encouraged me to get school to do the ehcp. They said if he gets worse to go to A&E. I asked had he been referred to our local camhs team and they said no. They said he was discharged from the crisis team yesteday and I said I really don't know what to do anymore. They then rang back and said they would refer him to the local camhs team and the local team will ring me tomorrow.

School aren't helping and when I arrived I asked what happened and one of the sendcos said she didn't know exactly as she had only just came in but she thinks 'now its all out in the open and he is able to talk about it then that's why he's doing it because basically he can' I said I disagree and walked away to speak to another member of staff who was dealing with the incident.

Sorry for the rant, you all have honestly made this whole situation a little easier to deal with so thank you x

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/05/2025 16:08

If he’s suicidal would childrens A and E help?

They have a big mental health emergency team at our local kids A and E. I mean a suicidal adult will often present at A and E

Pashazade · 19/05/2025 15:55

Ring the crises line OP, and yes do what pp has suggested take parental leave and see if pulling him out helps. Good luck. If you need info on Home Ed HEFA (Home Education for All) on Facebook has loads of information.

xmasdealhunter · 19/05/2025 15:46

I'd ring the CAHMS crisis line personally, if he's actively hurting himself (which he is by cutting his hands). If possible I'd also put in for parental leave at work Taking parental leave - Ordinary parental leave - Acas, and keep him off school to see how he is. If it's school that is the underlying root, and causing him to hurt himself, then I'd be keeping him off for a week and seeing how he is. If possible (and I know this is not always possible!) but I'd also start looking for remote jobs, OP, because it just doesn't sound like he is coping in school and could do with being homeschooled. I know this also doesn't happen overnight but if you can start to put plans in place now, and communicate to your son that you are doing so, it might give him a sense of relief too.

Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 19/05/2025 15:29

Thank you, we visited camhs yesterday for a follow up appointment. They recommended play therapy, counselling etc. However he has cut his hands at school, threw a pair of scissors across the classroom and was singing that he wanted to kill himself. I just don't know what to do. Do I ring camhs crisis line again or just get on with it so to speak? :( any help is appreciated. Thank you.

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xmasdealhunter · 14/05/2025 23:42

Good for you being ready to fight for the ECHP, it might be less of a strain to just apply for it yourself and the school will then be asked for supporting evidence. I'm really glad they've realised the extent of how much he is struggling.

I know you speak about long term- and I know you were hesitant to apply for DSA but that could be a supplement if you do decide that leaving your job is the best way forward, and you might be eligible for other benefits too if your overall income would dip under a certain amount. And it could also be a short term solution- as when you get the EHCP you could then apply for a SEMH near you for secondary, which are equipped to help children like your DS.

Hope the one with CAHMS goes okay xx

Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 14/05/2025 23:42

XelaM · 13/05/2025 22:49

Honestly, I would take him out of school and homeschool (sign him up with an online school). If school is making your 9-year-old feel suicidal I would take him out. It's just not worth it

I really wish I could :(

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Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 14/05/2025 23:41

SalmonWellington · 14/05/2025 21:25

If you have money to spare it might be an idea to pay for a private educational psychologist report. You would get one - albeit less detailed - through the EHCP, but that takes time. And a good one will highlight needs that school aren't picking up because he's well behaved.

I will look into this, although I'm doubtful we could afford it right now :( thank you.

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Original poster

Heartbeats18 · 14/05/2025 23:36

Hii thank you for your concern, it went well, they agreed to the things we asked for and are going to implement these going forward. I asked for the ehcp and they said he may not get it but I said I'm prepared to fight this. They are going to have a speak with his class teacher to ensure he has access to sensory time, his fidget etc. They where very much onboard with what me and dad asked for and they appear to now recognise just how much he is struggling.
We mentioned how we weren't happy that we hadn't been contacted about something as serious as this. The teacher said we did ring two times and I said when I rang back, the message should have been passed on to another member of staff who could have informed me. I said luckily he was fine at after school club but he should never have went in such a heightened state. I asked can they ring my work number or dads number as if he is feeling suicidal and harming himself then we need to know so we can support him. We didn't complain as we understand the stress the teachers must be under as well.

My heart is breaking for him but he seems okay. He has been off school for two day and hes completed a half day today. Things seem a little better and he played football this evening. He will do a full day tomorrow at school whilst I'm at work but i wont lie i'm really worried that if he becomes upset or angry that he will resort to hurting himself so I don't really know how to manage this going forward (it may well be that i have to leave my job which I know seems like the obvious solution but financially we would really struggle)

Oh i also mentioned to the teacher even though he appears calm after an initial crisis, he will then go somewhere private like the bathroom or bedroom where he will hurt or try to hurt himself, school said they will try to monitor him but can only do so much. We have a folllow up appointment with the camhs crisis team on Sunday aswell so I will update you all again. Thank you for your concern. It means a lot x

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xmasdealhunter · 14/05/2025 21:41

How did the meeting go, OP? @Heartbeats18

SalmonWellington · 14/05/2025 21:25

If you have money to spare it might be an idea to pay for a private educational psychologist report. You would get one - albeit less detailed - through the EHCP, but that takes time. And a good one will highlight needs that school aren't picking up because he's well behaved.

BrentfordForever · 13/05/2025 22:59

Great advice here

in parallel id look into medication , I wouldn’t mess with SH.

XelaM · 13/05/2025 22:49

Honestly, I would take him out of school and homeschool (sign him up with an online school). If school is making your 9-year-old feel suicidal I would take him out. It's just not worth it

starlight128 · 13/05/2025 22:42

Ive just been looking at the loop kids earplugs for my DS who struggles with classroom noise, they sound like they could help a little

Sleeplessi · 13/05/2025 21:28

My DS went through the exact same thing at 9 - year 4 is a big year academically and for social development. He had an eating disorder as well as self harm and talk of ending his life. Our school response was also similar and all around him needing to change, build resilience, anger management - absolutely no changes were put in place at school. We didn’t fight enough early enough and listened to the professionals who said school was the best place - even if this was sitting in the corridor all day alone. We lived walking on eggshells for over a year as he was so dysregulated. He eventually ended up with autistic burn out in year 6 ( he was diagnosed autistic eventually in year 5) and those months at home and low demand parenting before secondary transformed him. He’s now the most chilled, happy kid - it was unmet needs, not him that was the issue. He has an ehcp and proper support at school now - hall pass, risk assessment, TA, sensory breaks, access to the learning support centre when he needs breaks
Really feel for you, it’s horrendous
I’d recommend following Dr Naomi Fisher and spectrum gaming for advice and support