No intimacy for five years

Explain this one then
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5073917-wife-no-longer-interested-since-kids-advice?page=1

Yeah I mean I'm happy to if you feel you can't answer my points, lovey 🤷‍♀️😘

Shall we just agree to differ sweetie?

Looks to who??
And who cares if it does?
And who's "us" ?
People can post what they want without checking how many posts have given similar advice to men, and how many to women 😂

And, Because it makes us look hypocritical, and immature?

So? Double standards aren’t great, whatever the topic. It’s unreasonable to tell men they should shut up and go without, then tell women exactly the opposite.

You clearly didn’t see the thread a few days ago where a DH was lamenting his ‘dead bedroom’ and hurt DW wouldn’t seek support or talk about the issue and just shut up shop.

In response to him wanting her to se a doctor regarding regaining her libido post meno etc- He was told to do the same and seek medication to lower his!

There was absolutely nothing the man could say.
Im not even sure it was a genuine thread as he buggered off pretty sharpish tbh but the replies were mind blowing !

I’ve not Been on MN long but there’s deffo an astonishing double standard lol.
The advice given to the sexes is sooo different.
(Not that many men posted about their DH wanking next to them in bed tho I suppose..)

Who cares what the advice given to a man would be? This is a female dominated forum 🤷‍♀️
Or is someone keeping some kind of spreadsheet??

Yeah?? A woman would be asked if shes put on weight or if her appearance has changed in some other way.

Oh and as we are playing even stevens can you please show me the thread where a man has posted that his wife has gone off sex but she is wanking herself off at night while next to him. Thanks ever so. Im happy to wait 😊

I would explain how unhappy you are and tell him that he needs to work on this issue or its over between you. No ifs or buts. He has to make an effort to be intimate with you or you want a divorce. It sounds like nothing else has worked and I'm sure you don't want to be in the same situation in ten years time.

Usually ‘no-one owes you a sex life!’ MN at its very best…

Can you sit him down and say you're unhappy and unfulfilled sexually. You're in a currently monogamous relationship that isn't meeting your needs. What does he propose as a solution? And leave a silence - don't make suggestions or fill it.

Don't let him distract you with cries, empty promises, or saying all the stuff you've heard before. If he wants to put the conversation on pause and think about it, fine, but we're getting back round this table tomorrow night at the same time to finish the discussion.

Ultimately he's happy with the status quo so you need to push him to acknowledge your needs/emotions about it and work on a solution.

That’s as may be, but it doesn’t change the fact that the advice, generally, would be very different for a man.

No.

This is a man who has had many many opportunities to resolve the issue and has not. This is someone who apparently made a sorts of promises in counselling and then none of them happened.

It has been FIVE years. OP does not have to wait forever and either does anyone else. Male or female.

A woman who had made no effort to address the problems marriage over many years despite her husband repeatedly begging - well her husband would be equally entitled to divorce her too.

Not really addressing the point that people are telling the OP to have an affair, leave him, life is too short etc. how he is selfish etc

this is so unbelievably different from what a man would be told.

Wow. Just imagine telling a man this.

He sounds really depressed
Would he be willing to try CBT/medication? Although meds can cause sexual problems physically, it does seem like he's just really depressed

You are 50. I am the same age and i hope i have another 50 years to look forward to. I am as fit as i was when i was 20. I have more energy than i had in my 30'3 & 40's and i dont have young children taking up any of my time. I have more money available too. IMO you need to look at what graciegremlin wants from the rest of her life.

From the outside it looks to me like your DH is settled and he will not be changing regardless. This is him, take it or leave it. Thats fine for him. But this isnt graciegremlin. You are studying, you are fit and healthy and you deserve better.

I think you need to stop asking him 'if' he can make changes. Stop asking him what if's and whys. Tell him, you want a sex life. You want an active husband and you wont accept this current situation regardless of how much you love each other.

Give him an ultimatum and then act upon it. If you are financially ok look at moving out. Let him realise what he is missing out on and let you see whats out there for you.

Men can get away with burying their heads in the sand and refusing to talk to their partners about these issues because they know their female partner will find it harder to speak up about her own desires because there is still a taboo re, women and their sexual needs. Women are still viewed as not liking sex as much as men. You only have to see the social media comments when a woman goes on a show like This Morning to talk about sex.

Is it time to issue an ultimatum if you’re willing to give him one last shot?

Or write him a letter detailing how lonely you are, your self esteem is taking a battering too.

Nothing changes, then at least you know you tried.

Yup. A woman is told to leave and find happiness elsewhere. A man is told he’s a disgusting sex pest, and that he’s pathetic for wanting to end a marriage just because there’s no sex. It’s so hypocritical.

Find somebody to have an affair with and enjoy your life.

Just because he masturbates doesn't mean it all works. Men can orgasm without having an erection.