AIBU to feel like cancelling this weekend visit after a guy I met abroad has cooled off?

I agree with pps - I think he's after "guaranteed sex" with you. He'd probably act coupley/future fake to get this.

So I wouldn't meet unless you know you're comfortable with casual and want the sex yourself. He's already said about having cold feet, as an "out".

I wonder if he's looking for a "girl in every port" lifestyle where he books cheap flights, crashes at someone's house for the girlfriend experience then disappears.

If he's genuinely interested in getting to know you as a friend or date , he'd be comfortable with a sober daytime lunch and a walk round an art gallery, and you go back home alone. And he goes back to his hotel room alone.

If he's authentically interested in relocation (which some guys are) he'll be interested in doing stuff in the city that isnt just sex.

But I suspect he'll want late night cocktails etc.

I agree, and as the quote shows, you have taken everything here with a lot of good humour (which people haven't always understood) and grace.

I disagree, I think you come across as very mature and considered!

No advice, sorry OP, but i definitely don't think you seem immature at all

He’s not the man of your dreams, that’s for sure. Nudes 😱

Id turn it back on him ‘yeah, you’re right, you jumped in feet first, and probably best if we take a beat this weekend. No funny business! Totally understand if you want to make alternative plans when visiting.’

I don't think its worth meeting up.
Even if you still get on well irl, he works offshore and i think hes flaky.

But if he’s coming over, its going to seem very odd if the OP steps right back? It’s one thing to play it cool, but not collecting him from the airport and just having lunch would make me feel like I’d wasted my money! Don’t play games OP

Just text you will let him have the first evening to himself to look around and meet him for lunch somewhere.
Don't commit to the evening, just see how it goes.
I would take it that this isn't going to work and just enjoy meeting up with a nice guy that you had fun with.

Ths really does seem like a joke post.

Was he definitely offshore when communicating constantly, and then back home when communication stopped? When my dh is offshore communication is really limited because he’s not allowed his phone when working (safety reasons) and I find that really frustrating! I’d have expected little communication off-shore and then more once home.
If he did have access to his phone offshore and communicated a lot more then perhaps, as someone else said, it could have been because he was a bit bored (sorry!)

Fuckboy alert.

I think you were filling his free time - back home he has other stuff to do - it doesn’t sound like it was real . If he is coming to see you it’s a no strings hook up - I don’t think it’s got a future . Do you want to spend your weekend showing him your town knowing full well you won’t see him again ? If you don’t just cancel

He literally writes "I rushed into it too quick and I feel like that’s given me cold feet when it really becomes serious like thinking about moving across the country. It’s one thing to say it but another thing to do it, and I failed you...I’d rather not ... string you along any further. I’m sorry that I didn’t bring this up earlier.”

A few words removed but I think that's the gist of it. This is not the start of a long-term happy relationship.

Also I may be paranoid but it's a bit suspicious that he went quiet once he got back home. Could even have a partner/wife?

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Just take it for what it was a holiday romance.

This is all too intense for 3 days! It’s a lesson to you as well as him being a big red flag. Also this ‘ he took hours to reply to messages’ Do you guys reply really quickly or something? What if you’re driving or in a meeting?

Sorry the whole thing sounds ridiculous. You don’t know someone after 3 days. Keep your guard up more in the future. Even if they are love bombing you (which is a huge red flag).

I’d call off the whole weekend. Or keep it very casual. But not sure of the point of that?

I just want to add that it's all right that you both seem to have gotten a bit carried away in the moment, then later re-adjusted your expectations. You're young and now you've most likely learned a little something the hard way, as most of us do. No crime has been committed. :)

You equally sound like a red flag tbh. All this over investment off the back of 3 days? Who tells family and work about someone they met for 3 days? Basically just sharing details of your sex life, it wouldnt have been any deeper than that.

You sound far too intense, he is clearly flaky but honestly I think you come off worse. Sorry!

OP how did you think this weekend was going to be?

Surely you didn’t actually think that after only 3 days of knowing someone, he’d be relocating to a different country etc?

You would have had to have met up at least a few more times to actually see how you both feel and how it would work in reality.

So nothing has actually changed.
He’s still coming over and you’re both still deciding on what you want and seeing how things go.

I don’t understand why you were happy to act like a couple before (when you were both being a bit silly) but now that he’s talking more sense, you all of a sudden don’t want that.

The plan for this weekend was to have fun together and see if this is something you both want to pursue in the future.

Either you’re definitely not interested, in which case you should tell him.
Or you potentially are interested, which I’d be taking the opportunity to spend as much time as possible together to see how well we get on.

Just be honest OP.

Say reality has kicked in for you too and with his commitment waning, you feel over-invested, don’t want to get hurt so you’re coming at this as a friends thing for now, just hanging out.

If he just wants a booty call, he’ll cancel. It’s a good way to find out one way or the other.

At least you walk away with respect for yourself doing it this way.

But there’s little point in a bike group in a country a four hour flight away that you never actually visit.
It’s just yet more hyped up nonsense in a totally hyped out of all reasonable proportion situation.

If you want to back off and take it more slowly, I'd just be sure to tell him that ahead of time.

But your mindset still seems a bit too serious to me. How about limiting your decision on this second visit to whether or not you want a third visit?

After 3 days???

This 👆OP. And if he does still visit, ensure you meet for lunch some distance away from where he's staying and where you live so there's no risk of a NSA booty call (unless you're up for that, of course, but don't read any more into it).
Personally, I'd still cancel because I'm not convinced you can do the "friends" thing without getting carried away again - and I'm sure he won't try to persuade you to be sensible if you do.

And just to add, as I’ve said upthread personally I don’t see much point in meeting him at all and you may be better off just leaving it but if you do decide to meet, I think not staying overnight/going to his hotel at all is a good way to manage it.

Just be straight with him - make it very clear you won’t be staying overnight. Tell him that you think it’s best given how things have changed a bit between you, to keep things low key and just meet in town for lunch or some afternoon activities and you’ll let him do his own thing the rest of the time ie. Entertain himself!

If all a man is after is one thing , once you make it clear you won’t be going back to their hotel room - the trash will take itself out so to speak. So it’s very possible he may cancel the whole trip.