Evil MIL

Families are a 'complex beast' on their own. When two different families come together (as they do in marriage), the complexity increases. We will all have our own opinions, thoughts and feelings to navigate around others that we find a challenge. That is life, generally, but the fires are stoked within families. Much of the language on here has been the language of hate - no wonder rifts develop that are impossible to navigate. On this thread the blame is being put either entirely at the foot of the MiL or equally put onto the son. As has already been pointed out, there are three sides to every story ... but some folk are incapable of 'owning' their personal failure in making nuanced relationships work for the sake of the person in the middle. I feel sorry for any son/husband who is made to be a weapon in the war between the two women he loves. Sometimes, the thing we hate most in another person, is actually the same thing that is within ourselves.

If families can't work without warring, what hope is there for the world and the wars that are killing millions?

Me too, I am lovely never interfere, never comment negatively, help with anything I am asked. I am petrified of offending or annoying my DILs. My sons are both very nice men,kind thoughtful great cooks etc so at least as a mother, I did something right.

'Trying your best to get along' only works if the other person is also trying their best to get on, @Mere1 - and there are way too many examples of ILs doing the exact opposite - being rude, unkind, exclusionary, and deliberately making their DILs' lives as unpleasant as they can.

@Warmsunnyday1 is not talking about the sort of MIL who is doing her best, but is human and sometimes not perfect towards her DIL - she is talking about the harsh, cruel, nasty ones, and no-one should be trying to guilt trip these DILs into 'just trying to get along' with their MILs, because someone else's MIL died too young.

What do you mean 'why are THEY all so nuts'? You can possibly believe that just because you married a man with a mother you don't like, this indicates a pattern of behaviour amongst mothers of adult married men? This thread will no doubt have numerous posters who have sons, are you suggesting we are likely to be 'nuts'? If not now, when our sons marry? I'm sorry you don't get on with your mother in law. If she's that awful, no doubt she was an awful daughter in law too and her poor mother in law suffered. So it's very silly of you to make this about role rather than personality.

My mother in law is a mixed bag (like everyone). Can be very lovely and supportive and can turn easily and be quite manipulative. For context one of her daughters hasn’t spoken to her in over 15 years.

We get on well as long as I’m willing to just let certain sharp and catty comments go which I’ve been more than happy to do. It’s helps that I’m pretty chilled a laid back. Equally I’m sure she has to let things go with me…

Recently she was very rude to me (regarding a part-time gig/enterprise I work very hard on and have had to miss my own family events for sometimes not seeing my family for 3 months as I’m so busy, this is especially painful as I have a disabled relative I’m very close to. March I slogged every weekend and missed lots of family social events), anyway MIL manipulated her husband to gang up on me too and insinuate I get a free ride and don’t work hard. That was a huge no no for me. I had to put my boundaries up (we all have them and have to exercise them). Since then I have not attended any of my in-laws family gatherings.

Before I was working weekdays, working weekends (on my own business), and making time to see in-laws once a week. I would struggle to see my family once a month! So I turned the balance I see my family once a week.

I will start attending my in-laws parties, dinners and luncheons but I won’t be as loving as I have been. Unfortunately she really did cross a line.

My intention was to try to be supportive of all in this situation. Nothing more.

If you’ve read my other posts you will know how much I’ve done for my MIL and how patient I’ve been with her, yet she still verbally abuses me behind closed doors, for reasons I simply don’t understand. Yet, in your opinion, I’m supposed to try harder with her, simply because your husband’s mother died at a young age? Do you know how irrational your reasoning is?

By the way, my mother in law is almost as old as the queen. If she drops down dead tomorrow I don’t think she’ll have died too soon. Not that this is the point.

I agree with @Muddlingalongsomehow that people really can’t imagine how truly awful it is unless they’ve lived it. So perhaps they should stop and think how they’re talking to OP (who is here for support) rather than passing their uninformed judgement on DILs?!

If the behaviour is a pattern designed to undermine you or your marriage, I’d advise seeing a counsellor sooner rather than later - although ChatGPT is a really great (and free!) start point. It will explain her actions and suggest strategies for protecting yourself and your family. Honestly it has been a game changer for us and has enabled my DH to fully understand what’s going on and how to manage it, rather than reacting as she’s trained him to from birth (ie falling into line with whatever she wants automatically and trying to persuade me to do the same!) I don’t deal directly with her anymore and the relief is immense.

Perhaps those criticising DILs could reflect that just sometimes (probably rarely) MILs are damaged, unpleasant people who are intent on controlling their adult offspring’s lives and react very badly to a DIL who expects autonomy over her life and marriage. If you’ve not experienced it, count yourself lucky but do not tell someone who is here for support after her MIL’s appalling behaviour that she should try harder 😡

I probably don’t. It just seems such a shame. I accept we aren’t all perfect and you have to make your own decisions, after trying your best to get along with each other.

I am a MIL but hope I am not “evil”😂 I don’t think my SIL would describe me as such because we often go on holiday altogether as a family and see each other weekly usually at their request. I respect their boundaries, don’t offer advice unless asked for and if I can help out when they ask or offer help they usually accept gratefully.

My MIL was not evil but we were very different people and didn’t always get on but most of her actions came from her caring but she was too interfering and always thought she knew best. I did a lot of tongue biting when she was alive. My husband always joked if he ever left me he would go to my mums (his MIL) who is lovely even now at 90 but my sister doesn’t agree and has a different relationship with her.

My point. People are complex but in my experience people are rarely all evil or all good and sometimes family members just rub each other up the wrong way. I try to look for reasons why people behave in a certain way. In OPs case she is obviously hurt by her MILs comments/actions or whatever and it sounds like MIL has a history of falling out with family so I wonder if she ever reflects on the correlation between her actions and the fallouts. The winding up by the daughter does sound a bit like two bullies in the school yard picking on the DIL. Has she no redeeming characteristics @Warmsunnyday1? Did you ever get on pre DC? The screeching at you in front of your son is not good nor aggressive comments about you. Any relationship needs give and take and at some point you have to give up if it is very one sided. How does your DH feel about his DM? It sounds like you have tried with her so maybe just try and forget about her now or the bitterness over her treatment will infect other relationships you have. 💐

If it was a husband doing / saying all these nasty things, 2 sides to the story or not, it would be LTB.

So why , if it’s the mil/dm should ‘Anyone’ put up with such crap?
The only ‘other side of the story’ I ever got was ‘she felt unworthy’.
????

I don't think anyone can imagine how truly dreadful this experience can be, if they've not lived it. I am old. I had my MIL for 42 years. She died 18 months ago, a year before my husband. I had lost my mother aged 10. She saw me as her opportunity to mould someone into the daughter she never had. She made no secret of what a disappointment I was to her, though I made her boy supremely happy. I bought her lovely gifts, took her on holidays, sorted problems with her phone contract and car insurance (she had 3 sons), took her shopping, helped her with so much. But the criticism was relentless. The snide digs about my weight, my appearance (she was shockingly vain), my housekeeping, my parenting... I would have been quite a different person without her in my life, I realise now

There is still two sides to every story!!!

My sentiments exactly!

Agree,

Ok. You REALLY don’t understand if you’re saying things like that.

Just for balance it isn’t just MILs.

Some mothers are like that too. 55 years to realise it but I am now NC. No way would I have tolerated a toxic MIL for that amount of time.

In fact my MIL was nicer than DM.