Evil MIL

What could OP's MIL's side of the story be when she told OP that her still birth was for the best because there was probably something wrong with the baby (which she referred to as 'it')? Surely there can't be any way to spin that comment to make MIL seem supportive of her grieving and traumatised DIL rather than cruel and callous?

My mother in law was a very forceful woman, opinions on everything, argue about everything. Used to drive me mad moving our furniture, having a go at my clothes etc. After 20 years of being married to my husband I have to admit it was heart breaking when alzheimer's and Parkinson's stopped her being able to to rant. Wish she had been able to go out being a pain in the bum.

Well done you and as a DIL don't be petrified of that 👏🏼 my MIL is lovely and has been an amazing mum to my husband and raised two incredible boys. How my husband treats his mother showed me he would be a great husband and father.

Has she had her moments since I had my DS? Sure, and I would love for her to have stopped at just 1 or 2 attempts to get us to give him formula, to have been a bit more considerate when I was newly pp about not taking him out of my arms or trying to distract him instead of giving him back when he wanted to feed and not joked about my weight when I was heavily pregnant or in front of me about how my breast milk wasn't enough for my son.

But I also know how much she loves my son and husband. She is aware of some of the updated guidance and I know that she's holding back some of the unsolicited advice. It must be tough to bite your tongue when you're really convinced of something. My own late mum would have been an absolute nightmare as a grandma and she was very toxic towards my brother's ex. Ultimately my MIL has raised a son that really values family and I would never want to get in the way of their relationship. But equally my husband is willing to communicate on my behalf if there's something really bothering me. Little annoyances are just that, and they're temporary - if you're even trying not to interfere etc I'm sure your DILs appreciate that even if you might occasionally unknowingly rub each other the wrong way

Edit: idk if it's obvious from my post but I think my own MIL and how the PP comes across are worlds apart from the toxic MILs described on this thread, including OP's!

It is really difficult, I feel sorry for PIL in a way as they have become isolated by the poison. But SIL has also turned it on DC and at this point it stops and that overrides any sympathy I have for PIL and SIL's MH issues (diagnosed but not treated - PIL have tried to protect her, but it will crash down when they die and she is 50 and unable to live with others).

I read all these horror stories, but my MiL is lovely. She said to me once that she always promised herself she would be a nice MiL cos her MiL was so awful. Sorry, but nice ones are out there.

🤷‍♀️

Let's just hope the DIL takes the same approach. They're not all going to be nice either.

I've been very lucky to get an amazing son in law. I hope any other children in law are just as good a fit. I had a good role model as to how not to be a MIL from my own one though.

Well that won’t be op.
She sounds lovely , kind and very patient and measured in all her response.
if you’re not had a mil from hell (with her poison pen letters ) yiu just won’t get it.
and I daren’t put a foot wrong with my DIL - she’s lovely by the way.

I sincerely hope that people will get a reality check reading these threads, and learn to be decent people with their future DIL.

When I read on some threads people laughing at the "snowflake" new mother needing some time and privacy before seeing visitors for example, we are not there yet, but hopefully people will learn.

Or maybe, having had a MIL who behaves horribly towards them, they will learn from this how NOT to be a MIL when they have a DIL, @MerlinsBeard1.

You don't know what personality your future DIL's will have, so you can't be sure there won't be issues there yet. Even if you're a generally good MIL.

In my case, I think my MIL would have been great if I'd been needy and willing to let her rule my roost. As it is, I'm very independent and want to rule my own roost. This meant my mothering goals clashed with her grandma goals. She wasn't good to me anyway but I think she would have been if I'd needed her a lot.

We are not talking about the majority of MILs who are good people doing their best to be supportive without being intrusive. We are talking about extreme cases as the OP’s posts clearly describe. Some of the comments about her on here are really uncalled for and unkind.

To describe the son/husband as ‘a weapon of war between the two women he loves’ is ridiculous. His first loyalty is obviously to his partner and children and if that means he has to protect them from his DM, that’s what he has to do. I have huge sympathy for my DH - he is so disappointed in his DM and that has changed how he feels about her which is incredibly sad. If a mother truly loved her son, she would not continually undermine the woman he loves.

I can assure you we will not be the MILs from hell ourselves - we’ve observed how not to do things and will probably bend over backwards to make our DILs feel welcome and supported. Sucking up abuse without complaint is not the way to healthy family dynamics.

Covertly record her somehow! Then show your DH

Your MIL could be the Devil for all anyone on here knows, we only have your word to take. But judging from some of your dramatic replies you clearly like an argument.

My MIL would say exactly the same.....so might casual observers......

Indeed. I can just see the same women hating their DIL in 20 years time when they have become the evil MIL.

I think many MiLs feel the same.