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Original poster

Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

235 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 12/05/2025 22:49

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:16

Silvertulips · 13/05/2025 07:11

I think you need to change.

Remeber when the kids were little and squabbled? You ignore it unless there is silence or screaming!

DD didn’t put her glass in the dishwasher? Say - can you deal with that? What are you telling me for?

Same goes for her - Why are you telling me that?

Sounds like a pair of tell tales!!

Honestly you are so right. I need to step back and let them get on with it

he’s the first person she goes to when she needs help and he’s always there for her

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:14

MayaPinion · 13/05/2025 07:12

Sounds like she has never grown up and perhaps it’s time to help her become a bit more independent by stepping back and intervening less in their arguments. When my kids fight over stupid stuff like this I say ‘Nobody cares about your petty squabbles. Sort it out amongst yourselves’. And that helps a lot.

I totally agree with you. That’s exactly what I need to do. I just carry so much guilt that they didn’t grow up with their father.( not my choice) I honestly do everything k can trying to make everyone happy

OP posts:
Secretsquirels · 13/05/2025 07:13

If she works full time then she can afford to pay rent, even if she needs some help from universal credit or pip or you to top this up.

In your example above where she isn’t helping in the house your partner is right. It’s an adult responsibility and she is an adult. She either needs to pitch in and help or pay for a cleaner.

MayaPinion · 13/05/2025 07:12

Sounds like she has never grown up and perhaps it’s time to help her become a bit more independent by stepping back and intervening less in their arguments. When my kids fight over stupid stuff like this I say ‘Nobody cares about your petty squabbles. Sort it out amongst yourselves’. And that helps a lot.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:12

I was worried we were the only family that bicker

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 13/05/2025 07:11

I think you need to change.

Remeber when the kids were little and squabbled? You ignore it unless there is silence or screaming!

DD didn’t put her glass in the dishwasher? Say - can you deal with that? What are you telling me for?

Same goes for her - Why are you telling me that?

Sounds like a pair of tell tales!!

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

Secretsquirels · 13/05/2025 06:57

Ah that makes it tricky then.

Is she not working? If not that may be making the relationship with your partner worse if she’s at home all day and not contributing to costs at 25.

My son is neurodiverse so I get how tricky this is. Would the relationship be better if she was busier do you think?

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

OP posts:
Wishboneswishes · 13/05/2025 07:09

Also weird that people are posting that they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who bickers with their child!?
Really? Do you never bicker with your kids?
Obviously lots of mumsnetters live in perpetually harmonic homes where everyone gets on all the time. 🙄

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:08

Well she needs to move out. She can get a house share on spareroom.com, if you pay the deposit and rent up front that gives her enough time to make a UC claim with the rent element covering the rent. Then she needs to work on getting a job, any job.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:07

Ddakji · 13/05/2025 06:59

If she’s been obliged to live back in with you because she got herself into a mess, then she puts up and shuts up until she gets her own place, and you should encourage that to be sooner rather than later. Tell her you do not want to receive any more messages moaning about him.

I did that last nyt
im going to speak with them both tmrw when I’m home

i need to work. I can’t be at home all the time so something needs to change I guess

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:06

Ddakji · 13/05/2025 06:59

If she’s been obliged to live back in with you because she got herself into a mess, then she puts up and shuts up until she gets her own place, and you should encourage that to be sooner rather than later. Tell her you do not want to receive any more messages moaning about him.

Yes this.

maddening · 13/05/2025 07:05

Do they both wfh?

User5274959 · 13/05/2025 07:05

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who bickered with my child,

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who moved their difficult to live with adult child into our joint home. He might be feeling resentful about being put in this position and not listened to.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 13/05/2025 07:05

Honestly it sounds to me like they both need to wise up a bit
I myself am ND so I fully understand the complexities of navigating the neurodiverse life but it doesn't make it ok to take it out on everyone around you.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:05

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/05/2025 07:01

So presumably they would be upset if he was no longer in their lives.

People have strong views on here about women who get into another relationship when they have young children, but this is a long term relationship now and your children are all adults. You can't go back and redo their childhood without your partner in it.

And I can't help but feel that if your partner was really intolerable from your daughter's point of view, she wouldn't be living at home with you at the age of 25.

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how it makes you feel when she complains about him all the time, and asking what exactly she wants you to do about it? Make it clear that whilst she and her sisters are your priority and always have been, you are allowed to have a relationship. Surely she doesn't actually want you to be alone once she and her sisters have all flown the nest.

Show quote history

ppl certainly have strong views

I have sat them down many many times but when I’m honest tnrw that’s what I’m going to do again
Thankyou x

OP posts:
Wishboneswishes · 13/05/2025 07:05

Believe me I love my DCs beyond measure. But if DH and I had to live with one of them at age 25 there would be ructions!
Of course there’ll be issues where they’ll get on each others nerves. It’s normal and natural. Your examples are actually stuff that DH and I bicker about at times, doesn’t make him abusive and I’m not going to leave him.
Clearly he gets on with your other two DCs so he’s a good man it’s just your 25 yo adult - they clash.
I think she needs to get a grip and stop complaining to you about him telling her to put her glasses in the dishwasher- she just needs to do it!
Perhaps a family round table to clear the air is needed.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:03

User5274959 · 13/05/2025 06:42

But other than the clashes with your daughter, is he really a good loving partner to you?
That's what you need to focus on

Yes he really is.

OP posts:
BlackPantherPrincess · 13/05/2025 07:03

She needs to recognise she’s living in his home too and he’s graciously opened his doors to her when she was in need. Tbh it’s pretty big of your partner to welcome her back and accept she might be living there for several more years.

She is an adult, not a child and doesn’t need sheltering from the realities of adult life and relationships. There’s always going to be difficulties with adults living in the same household, whether family or a house share.

I would be sitting her down and reminding her it’s his home too and she needs to show him some basic respect. Otherwise she can get on spareroom.com and find a houseshare.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:02

TammyJones · 13/05/2025 06:49

Well that’s the answer then.
don’t end the relationship
when draw back a little from their clashes.
let them deal with it.
seems like they are both doing it for attention.

I actually sometimes think this!!
sometimes I wonder if it’s for my attention. We have mum n daughter days out weekly I spend so much time with both of them.
honestly their clashes are never over ‘big’ things it’s always

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/05/2025 07:01

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:55

Yes. Over the years they have had the odd moment but the other 2 think he’s great

Show quote history

So presumably they would be upset if he was no longer in their lives.

People have strong views on here about women who get into another relationship when they have young children, but this is a long term relationship now and your children are all adults. You can't go back and redo their childhood without your partner in it.

And I can't help but feel that if your partner was really intolerable from your daughter's point of view, she wouldn't be living at home with you at the age of 25.

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how it makes you feel when she complains about him all the time, and asking what exactly she wants you to do about it? Make it clear that whilst she and her sisters are your priority and always have been, you are allowed to have a relationship. Surely she doesn't actually want you to be alone once she and her sisters have all flown the nest.

Ddakji · 13/05/2025 06:59

If she’s been obliged to live back in with you because she got herself into a mess, then she puts up and shuts up until she gets her own place, and you should encourage that to be sooner rather than later. Tell her you do not want to receive any more messages moaning about him.

Secretsquirels · 13/05/2025 06:57

Ah that makes it tricky then.

Is she not working? If not that may be making the relationship with your partner worse if she’s at home all day and not contributing to costs at 25.

My son is neurodiverse so I get how tricky this is. Would the relationship be better if she was busier do you think?

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 06:57

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:30

She did have her own place but got into financial difficulties so moved home to us

Show quote history

She needs to fix this and move back out again, she's half way to 30!

SpunkySquid · 13/05/2025 06:57

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t get along with my children. Simple as that.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:56

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/05/2025 06:54

Do your other daughters get on with your partner?

Show quote history

Yep. They have had the odd moment over the years but they think he’s great. My youngest is really close with him

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