Page 7 | Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

Mumof3babygirls · 2025-05-12T21:49:31+00:00

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner I’ve spoken to them both so many times I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again please help me as I just can’t think straight x

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 07:41

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:33

Honestly it could be years until she moves out. I don’t see that happening anytime soon

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You sound very passive. It's not her decision when she moves out - she's an adult and it's your house. Really I think you should have dealt with this sooner than 10 years into your relationship with your partner, and either helped mend the relationship between them, or ended the relationship to focus on your DD if you couldn't make things better between them.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:39

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

Try reading the OP’s posts properly. DD is 25, the conflict is recent and not of his making. OP and her partner are helping to pay off DD’s debt, but she’s not even helping around the house. And why would he ‘house himself’ when he’s paying a mortgage with OP ?

FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:39

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:36

hes not the horrible person ppl are saying. Hes a good man. They just clash at times

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I used to clash with my dad at times also. Much as I loved him ( and vice versa) we did have these irritating little habits that would've made living together difficult

jetlag92 · 13/05/2025 07:37

TammyJones · 13/05/2025 06:49

Well that’s the answer then.
don’t end the relationship
when draw back a little from their clashes.
let them deal with it.
seems like they are both doing it for attention.

This was exactly what I was going to say.
Tell them you really don't want to hear it.

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:36

FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:35

Lol my DDs can still bicker every time they meet. Both in their 30s and live 250 miles apart.

Not getting why people going on about vulnerable kids though. If the DD disliked the partner that much then she wouldn't have moved back in . And OP says he's the first person she goes to when she needs something.

Not sure what others are reading differently

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hes not the horrible person ppl are saying. Hes a good man. They just clash at times

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:35

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

It’s his home? Yr making him out to sound weird. We are in a long term relationship

OP posts:

FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:35

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:21

Yes I see this all the time on here, its incredible!

So you could simultaneously kick out all the kids at the same time because they constantly bicker with each other, well into adulthood!

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Lol my DDs can still bicker every time they meet. Both in their 30s and live 250 miles apart.

Not getting why people going on about vulnerable kids though. If the DD disliked the partner that much then she wouldn't have moved back in . And OP says he's the first person she goes to when she needs something.

Not sure what others are reading differently

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:32

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:26

I don’t blame him. Why are you treating her differently than the others ? She got into difficulties and you both opened up your home to her. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be pulling her weight. This doesn’t sound like a DP problem - it sounds like a DD issue and yiu need to nip it in the bud or you’ll never have any peace.

Edited

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Your right. I know you are. After reading the posts I actually think i may be a problem but I’d not looked at it like that

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:30

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 07:23

No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

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Where did OP say she moved him in when DD was 15 ? She also says that the problems between them are recent. And DD couldn’t have thought he was that bad if she moved back in when she got into financial difficulties. You’re posting vitriolic nonsense based on things you’ve made up.

Agix · 13/05/2025 07:30

I think we need to know the daughters complaints before piling on her. We only have an idea of his complaints about daughter from OP, which is very telling.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:28

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:27

I think you have quoted the wrong person.

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oh im so sorry x

OP posts:

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:27

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:25

You’re naking him out to sound weird!! He isn’t!!

it’s his home aswell as my DD

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I think you have quoted the wrong person.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:26

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

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I don’t blame him. Why are you treating her differently than the others ? She got into difficulties and you both opened up your home to her. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be pulling her weight. This doesn’t sound like a DP problem - it sounds like a DD issue and yiu need to nip it in the bud or you’ll never have any peace.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:26

NestEmptying · 13/05/2025 07:25

That is spectacularly unfair and you clearly haven't read all of OPs posts.

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I didn’t just love him in! We dated for a year before he even met my children

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:25

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:24

What bizarre take on the situation is this?

Conflict around vulnerable kids?

Not housed himself?

Its his mortgaged house with the OP isnt it?

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You’re naking him out to sound weird!! He isn’t!!

it’s his home aswell as my DD

OP posts:

NestEmptying · 13/05/2025 07:25

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 07:23

No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

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That is spectacularly unfair and you clearly haven't read all of OPs posts.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:24

NestEmptying · 13/05/2025 07:20

It seems like your partner is putting up with a lot from your daughter.
From his point of view, his partner's adult daughter has moved back in because she needs help but then instead of being grateful and using the time to get back on her feet, she is being a pain.
I would imagine he would rather she moved out but he can't get frustrated about that because he loves you and wants to support you on your decisions. Instead he's misplacing that frustration onto little things she does wrong.
I might be way off but I honestly feel sorry for him in this situation.
Why can't you see her moving out? She should be working towards that.

He is a good man. He doesn’t have his own children so it’s definitely been a learning curve for him
she moved in with her ex bf for 2 years he didn’t help pay rent/ bills so got into a lot of debt which we are slowly chipping away at. I think it will be a good few years until she’s mentally and financially able to

OP posts:

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:24

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

What bizarre take on the situation is this?

Conflict around vulnerable kids?

Not housed himself?

Its his mortgaged house with the OP isnt it?

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 07:23

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:35

I’ve always put her first. Probably to much of I’m honest.
im not just blaming her. He can be just as bad they just clash over everything
he had the tv on to long, she didn’t put her glass in the dishwasher. It’s endless

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No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

SpryCat · 13/05/2025 07:22

Ddakji · 13/05/2025 06:59

If she’s been obliged to live back in with you because she got herself into a mess, then she puts up and shuts up until she gets her own place, and you should encourage that to be sooner rather than later. Tell her you do not want to receive any more messages moaning about him.

This!!!!!

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:21

Wishboneswishes · 13/05/2025 07:09

Also weird that people are posting that they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who bickers with their child!?
Really? Do you never bicker with your kids?
Obviously lots of mumsnetters live in perpetually harmonic homes where everyone gets on all the time. 🙄

Yes I see this all the time on here, its incredible!

So you could simultaneously kick out all the kids at the same time because they constantly bicker with each other, well into adulthood!

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:21

Wishboneswishes · 13/05/2025 07:05

Believe me I love my DCs beyond measure. But if DH and I had to live with one of them at age 25 there would be ructions!
Of course there’ll be issues where they’ll get on each others nerves. It’s normal and natural. Your examples are actually stuff that DH and I bicker about at times, doesn’t make him abusive and I’m not going to leave him.
Clearly he gets on with your other two DCs so he’s a good man it’s just your 25 yo adult - they clash.
I think she needs to get a grip and stop complaining to you about him telling her to put her glasses in the dishwasher- she just needs to do it!
Perhaps a family round table to clear the air is needed.

Edited

Thankyou. Thats made me feel better
we do the family meeting and for a few weeks everything is great then I get the texts again. As others have said I need to step back and let them get on with it

when their good their really good

OP posts:

NestEmptying · 13/05/2025 07:20

It seems like your partner is putting up with a lot from your daughter.
From his point of view, his partner's adult daughter has moved back in because she needs help but then instead of being grateful and using the time to get back on her feet, she is being a pain.
I would imagine he would rather she moved out but he can't get frustrated about that because he loves you and wants to support you on your decisions. Instead he's misplacing that frustration onto little things she does wrong.
I might be way off but I honestly feel sorry for him in this situation.
Why can't you see her moving out? She should be working towards that.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?