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Original poster

Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

235 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 12/05/2025 22:49

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 08:04

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:59

I would echo a PP that you sound very passive

She clearly isn't the sort of person who will wake up one day and decide to be a thoughtful considerate member of the household

You therefore need to either tell her straight what the rules of living with you are or tell her to make a plan to move out.

Sitting around "chilling" while you clean up after her and financially bail her out is hideous behaviour

Show quote history

Spot on. I think rather than the partner being the problem, this is one of OP’s own making. I don’t blame her partner for picking up on DD’s laziness - he’s putting up with her behaviour and helping to bail her out financially while OP lets her do as she likes. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:02

maddening · 13/05/2025 07:05

Do they both wfh?

No neither do

OP posts:
Radra · 13/05/2025 08:02

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:58

The same issues apply. Have a look on spare room websites. No one wants someone sharing the facilities in their home unless they’ve been vetted. The agencies handling the vacancies require the same background checks as for other accommodation - credit references, an guarantor, and in many cases a character reference. My friend was recently looking for lodgings and was having difficulty because landlords didn’t like the fact that she was claiming UC - even though she works full time and UC would have covered her rent !! It can be a nightmare.

Edited
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That might be true if people using agencies and spare room but there are still plenty of people who don't use agencies to find a lodger.

Our local Facebook/WhatsApp groups are full of people seeking lodgers in a much less formal way

dontcryformeargentina · 13/05/2025 08:01

SpunkySquid · 13/05/2025 06:57

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t get along with my children. Simple as that.

100%. If your partner really cared about your feelings, he would have compromised

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:00

beAsensible1 · 13/05/2025 07:49

Did you and DP buy the house together?

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He took over from my ex husband so we both pay the mortgage so we are both on the mortgage/deeds

OP posts:
Radra · 13/05/2025 07:59

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:42

I do baby her I don’t know why.

when my girls dad left I had so much guilt I put my whole being into raising them
I still work out her finances every month. She does pay rent

i couldn’t ask her to move out it’s her home. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful

Show quote history

I would echo a PP that you sound very passive

She clearly isn't the sort of person who will wake up one day and decide to be a thoughtful considerate member of the household

You therefore need to either tell her straight what the rules of living with you are or tell her to make a plan to move out.

Sitting around "chilling" while you clean up after her and financially bail her out is hideous behaviour

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:58

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:48

That wouldn't be an issue with being a lodger though

Show quote history

The same issues apply. Have a look on spare room websites. No one wants someone sharing the facilities in their home unless they’ve been vetted. The agencies handling the vacancies require the same background checks as for other accommodation - credit references, an guarantor, and in many cases a character reference. My friend was recently looking for lodgings and was having difficulty because landlords didn’t like the fact that she was claiming UC - even though she works full time and UC would have covered her rent !! It can be a nightmare.

MiniPantherOwner · 13/05/2025 07:58

Since they seem to be bickering over minor things you need to make it clear that you're not interested in hearing about it. If you daughter texts you to complain about some minor thing your partner is doing you need to tell her that she's an adult and they need to sort it out amongst themselves.

You also need to give your daughter a major kick up the arse about helping around the house and stop doing things for her. I realise that you suspect she's ND, but she's an adult and shouldn't expect other people to clear up after her. If most of your partners complaints are around this then he seems to have a point. He shouldn't have to be tidying up after her. If you think there are other issues he could be more patient around then, of course, raise that with him.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:57

ThejoyofNC · 13/05/2025 07:51

I think the man is a saint for putting up with her shit to be honest.

Sometimes I would definitely agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:56

Teaacup · 13/05/2025 07:48

Your daughter works, but does she work full time? Does your partner work full time? It sounds like they don’t if they’re seeing enough of each other during the week to bicker so much. Is he winding her up?

Yes they both work full time

they wind each other up tbh.

she’s mutters stuff so you know she’s saying something but can’t work out what he’ll ask her what she said and so it goes on

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/05/2025 07:54

I think if it's a her problem you need to back him up

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:52

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

We’ve lived together for 8 years
DD lived with us for 5 moved out then came home I think living out of home she had her own way to do things obviously then moving back home we do things differently to her

i dont think he’s gouding her. He knows that she’s welcome at home aslong as is needed

they both have a love of motorsport and will sit and watch the races together and discuss it. They have fun times. It’s not always like it is atm but when it is it’s so horrible

ppl are making out hes some kind of freak. He’s isn’t and he’s put up with a lot during our relationship

OP posts:
SheridansPortSalut · 13/05/2025 07:51

I really don't understand the appeal in a partner who "isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone". He sounds like a poor choice to have brought into the life of a 15 year old with suspected autism and a poor choice of a person to grow old with.

ThejoyofNC · 13/05/2025 07:51

I think the man is a saint for putting up with her shit to be honest.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:50

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

If she moved back in with me and expected me to help pay off her debt, was a slob around he house and refused to pitch in with chores I’d be looking to make her leave too.

beAsensible1 · 13/05/2025 07:49

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:45

I hear what you’re saying. I really do. He is. He’s a sweetie.
maybe I need to change jobs so I’m home more
if my partner and I are no longer together I would have to sell my house as I couldn’t afford the mortgage alone and above that I love him
im told blended families are never easy but just not this hard
when I’ve spoken with my them my daughter begs me not to end my relationship

Show quote history

Did you and DP buy the house together?

Teaacup · 13/05/2025 07:48

Your daughter works, but does she work full time? Does your partner work full time? It sounds like they don’t if they’re seeing enough of each other during the week to bicker so much. Is he winding her up?

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/05/2025 07:48

Do your other daughters live with you?
Do they all their weight around the house?

It sounds to me as though

  1. Your 25 year old daughter shouldn't get to dictate your relationship (aside from if he were abusive)
  2. If your 25 year old daughter chooses to live with her mum and mum's partner then she needs to do her fair share around the house of cooking, cleaning etc. Set up a rota.
  3. If your 25 year old daughter doesn't like that she should look to move into a houseshare.
  4. Your DP should back off from complaining about every glass not put straight into the dishwasher.
  5. You must stop babying her
Radra · 13/05/2025 07:48

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:47

She won’t get a house share or lodgings if she has unpaid debt. The credit and other checks on potential tenants are very strict these days. Even if she managed to secure one, she would need a month’s rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor.

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That wouldn't be an issue with being a lodger though

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:47

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

She won’t get a house share or lodgings if she has unpaid debt. The credit and other checks on potential tenants are very strict these days. Even if she managed to secure one, she would need a month’s rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor.

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 07:44

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

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Again, why are you accepting her doing nothing? She lives in your home, she contributes like everyone else.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:44

TooGoodToGoto · 13/05/2025 07:41

So reward the daughter with a house deposit, what about the other daughters, who haven’t got into a financial mess?

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I couldn’t afford that and I would give them all the same. I’ve always been very fair

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:42

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

I do baby her I don’t know why.

when my girls dad left I had so much guilt I put my whole being into raising them
I still work out her finances every month. She does pay rent

i couldn’t ask her to move out it’s her home. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful

OP posts:
TooGoodToGoto · 13/05/2025 07:41

Secretsquirels · 13/05/2025 06:50

If you’d have to sell the house if you split anyway, you could also consider selling, buying somewhere smaller and giving dd a deposit for somewhere to buy from the equity…

Show quote history

So reward the daughter with a house deposit, what about the other daughters, who haven’t got into a financial mess?