Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

What if she doesn't like the next one, the next one, or the one after that? Don't let another fully grown adult dictate to you, regardless of whether she's your daughter.

You could still support her from afar

Where would she live if you and him split up though, thats my point, you would have to sell the house you said

Then l think it’s down to you to solve. You’re not setting any boundaries for your DD and you’re leaving your partner, who you say is a good man, watching helplessly while you enable her laziness and fail to support him when he calls her behaviour out. She’s taking advantage of you both and what’s worse, she’s playing you off against each other.

Take control. Make her pitching in a condition of helping out with her debt and make it clear it’s none negotiable. If she doesn’t like it she can move out. If you support your partner and give DD some structure and discipline you’ll probably find the bickering will die down, but you have to back him up when he calls her out on being a slob. And I’m guessing that’s the problem.

You need to recognise that you’re not doing your DD any favours by enabling this behaviour and l’m wondering if there’s more to how she managed to get into debt in the fist place because from what you’ve said here she seems very entitled. She doesn’t seem equipped to deal with the realities of life and if something doesn’t change she’ll be living with you for ever. Whereas your partner probably won’t.

How would she be happier given she clearly also has a good realtionship with him at times and is also benefiting financially from his money. Where would she live if you split up and you could only afford a smaller accommodation for example?

Infantilising her is disabling her, you are not doing any favours by viewing this as long term. You need to sit down with her and work through a 6 week plan for her to source accommodation, make the right benefit applications if required, might not be required as initially I thought she wasnt working, and move out.

But you aren't keeping the peace. You are letting your eldest take the piss out of everyone in the household.

You also aren't doing her any favours. No decent man would put up with your daughter's behaviour. No house share would either.

I feel sorry for your partner and your other 2 kids. You at least get to escape by working away and you leave them with the nightmare you've created.

You earlier said your partner and daughter are as bad as each other. But your subsequent posts suggest you know this isn't true and that your daughter's attitude and behaviour is the main problem. Perhaps stop burying your head in the sand and deal with your eldest.

These sort of petty quarrels happen in biological families too Op, what's not on is them both whinging to you. In your DP place I'd be fed up living with the PA mutterings and the doing nothing in the house. I'm afraid you've still babying your eldest, she maybe on the spectrum but she's not a child. Time for one last talk, tell them they need to sort themselves out, not run to you to arbitrate.

OP - could it be that you are averse to all conflict due to your ex husband?

I'm this way. My DH and young adult DD clash a bit and bicker and it drives me mad. He's her father.The things that DD does that wind up DH and vice versa, irritate me also but I don't rise to it because I avoid conflict and have learnt to choose my words more carefully to get my point across.

Generally I do leave them to it even if it annoys me, but I don't like it.

Are your dd and DH ever saying anything hurtful to each other or is it just overreaction to comments made? If the latter then stepping out of the room and refusing to listen to either one of them tell you about their clashes might be your best way forward.

If your daughter has lived with her boyfriend then she knows how to put dishes in the dishwasher.. unless that is why they broke up!
It sounds as if she has reverted to childhood since she came home, no housework, you sorting her finances every month(?).. you are babying her. She needs to pull her weight.. living in a household wilth 2 other adults..
Your partner needs to ignore the mumbling... this is a form of control.. it is done on purpose for attention.. she mumbles, he cant quite hear her.. he asks her what she said... she (probably) says 'nothing'.. he gets pissed off.. and she feels like she has scored a point cos she knows it winds him up. Childish!
Have the family meeting.. and then step back.
She would not behave like this in a house-share.. cos no-one else would put up with it.

I'm surprised he is still around. You don't side with someone you know is wrong, what sort of an example is that? Your DD sounds like a spoilt brat.

This.
Is she your only child? And how long will she potentially be living at home? If you dump the partner and she moves out where will that leave you?

She wouldnt need all this for a basic house share, stop scaremongering, you often dont even need a deposit longer than a week, look at spareroom.com if you dont believe me

Well, she has two choices as far as I can see. She either tries to get along with him, or she moves out. She's 25, she can make her own way in life.

Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone

And he is a sweetie.

Which one is he?

I think you need to stop pandering to your adult daughter. And you need to put a ban on them texting you about anything bitchy about the other one. It all sounds very childish.

Your username says you are a ‘Mumof3babygirls’ Have you been on here for 25 years or is that a recent name? I wonder if it reflects how much you infantilise your girls because of the guilty feelings about their father leaving? I think you really need to work on those feelings. That man is out of the picture so you need to really put that behind you if you can.

Frankly, I would want to run away from both of them… They sound very needy and petty.

Can you blame him? You say he has no patience but actually he has the patience of a Saint in dealing with your daughter. She treats him and others in the house like servants and then you back her up. How do your other daughters feel about you letting the eldest do nothing around the house, not even expecting that she tidies up after herself?

Which of course is right!

Yeah, friend did try this route too but lots of issues around the lack of a formal rent agreement, which UC require for rent contributions.