Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

So they message or just she does? Becuase that has to stop. Clearly agree on rules and boundaries and then anything else they deal with

Next time she messages, your response is have you done any housework today? Everyone else has. I’ve told you there are no more complaining rights for adults who haven’t done their share of the housework.

I’d not be surprised if your partner left you over this. You’ve handled it really poorly. What a shame.

Stop mollycoddling your adult child. What can she afford? If a room in a house share is viable then she should absolutely be asked to do it (& may teach her a little more about respect & boundaries). You need to explain to her that, as an adult, she is expected to behave appropriately - she is 25 fgs!!!! Not 5, not even 15 but 25. Your poor partner.

This....sounds like she needs to get a job and place of her own, just because she messed up once doesn't mean you let her live under your roof indefinitely. In a nice way start showing her flats and even on social welfare it's possible to get somewhere. If you don't hard up and start giving her a push to work and to get her own place then she never will.

@Mumof3babygirls part of your job as a parent is to make your DC into responsible adults, people who can live and manage their own lives. If you weren't about what would happen to your eldest, you've felt so guilty you've not prepared her for adulthood and you're still not doing it now.
You've felt guilty for far too long Op, time for a new start

This is the right question

So your dd’s dad left, then her step father left when she was 13 and her new step father moved in when she was 15?
Not sure I have fully understood but that’s a lot of disruption at a vulnerable age.

Was their relationship better before she left home or has there always been cracks?

Even in my 40’s I would still revert to being a little childish when visiting my (very tricky) Mum at my childhood home, it’s hard not to even when I recognise what’s happening.

It sounds like things would be more manageable if you didn’t work away for three days a week at the moment.
Or could your eldest look for a job that comes with accommodation?
Are your younger daughters likely to move out soon so everyone has more space?

I think your user name says a lot. You are not the mother of three baby girls, you are the mother of three women.

Your resident daughter may or may not be neurodivergent. Whether she is or she isn't you are not doing her any favours by babying her and treating her as an incapable child.

For her own self respect and development she needs to be taking some responsibility for her life. She needs to be contributing, financially and practically, according to her abilities. She managed to find a partner and live away from home for two years and only returned for financial reasons so her practical abilities must be reasonably high.

You need to up your expectations of her in every way. Saying you don't think she will be able to move away for years is almost like cursing her. You have no idea what's around the corner for her. When your husband left you high and dry with three little girls I bet you didn't envisage that just three years later you'd meet someone better - but it happened.

It's tough when adult children return to the nest. Our own DD returned after 4 years at uni overseas and was a nightmare. She certainly tried to dictate how we ran things and complained incessantly about us living our lives. We love her dearly but the sigh of relief when she eventually moved out was probably audible 2 doors down. But our relationship is stronger now for having successfully negotiated a very tricky time.

Your DP sounds very patient - where does she get off telling a grown man how much to he can watch in his own home?

Be firm, make boundaries for yourself as well as for them and then stick to your own firmly, no matter how hard your DD tries to suck you into the drama.

That’s ridiculous!

Nope. And no man, however good, will put up with this long term. He probably feels he has no voice in his own home and at the end of the day OP, he’s helping to support her !! The lack of respect both you and DD are showing him is astonishing.

You need to step up and start supporting him. You and your partner need to agree what you expect of her in return for the support you’re both giving her then you need to sit down with DD and read her the riot act. In return for your continued support she has a responsibility to pitch in and help, clean up her own mess and treat everyone with respect instead of playing you off against each other. She’s 25 and she’s still behaving like a stroppy 15 year old because you are treating her like one. The solution is in your own hands.

You do not need to be in any way responsible for their relationship with each other. Tell them it is up to them. Tell your DD that DP is your partner and will be staying and tell your partner DD is welcome to stay as long as she needs. How they manage is up to them. If they complain to you, just say 'oh' or 'right' or 'hmmm'.

At 25 I knew if I fucked up there would be a sofa at my mums for a month or 2 max, not that she didn't want me there. The house set up had changed, I'd of not lived there for 6 years. With siblings I was under no impression that my room would be a shrine, if things ever went wrong I'd have to be an adult about it.

DD has live independently yet has come home and reverted, even has you thinking you should be at SAHM to the there for her.
Nope you house yours and DP house, may be her home, not hers to rule the roost. Stop pandering to her and tell her she has upset the dynamics has out grown home and needs to go. Give her a few months not years.

Can I just ask at 25 what did your lofe look like? was it foot loose and fancy free like hers or were you working raising a family?

Stop enabling this behaviour, what if you had downsize while she was living else where and there wasn't a room for her to come back to.

Continuing on from @Rosscameasdoody says, if your apparently very nice DP did move out and it’s just you and DD, how much effort would she put into being part of an adult household and being kind to you in the day to day and how much pandering effort would she expect from you to keep her happy?

If you start saying “no” to her, expect some rough times. She will push back. But keep DP in the loop and he will probably have your back every time. Eventually, life should be on a more even keel.

Don't feel you are getting a hard time on here.
It is always easier to see things from afar when there is no emotional attachment!
No matter how much we love our kids, we have to let them grow up. Yes they might make mistakes,. Yes they might get hurt. But she is not a wee girl any more. At 25 she is most certainly an adult. And you shoild treat her as sucn. And she has to learn (quickly!) to behave as one.
This can all be fixed.
Stay strong!

At 25 it’s not your job to make your daughter happy at the expense of yourself and your partner. You need to stop babying her, which you know, because you’re never going to resolve the issue if you keep pandering to her. Your poor partner has the patience of a saint and you’re taking advantage of his kindness by making his home feel like it’s not his!

Most of it is your daughter's doing. You may be enabling her but you aren't forcing her to behave the way she does. It is a choice she makes.

This sounds tough all around. I can see why your DP may get annoyed with your DD and why she too might not want him around, and you are just in the middle of it all. If your DD has had a bad time, I can get how she might want to come home and be looked after by mum. But this only helps if it’s for a short period to help her bounce back. The goal has to be to get her fully functioning and capable so she can move on. If you don’t help equip her in that way, her future is limited and you won’t be there forever. I can see how much you care and these are just some thoughts as I know family dynamics are complex and it can be hard to get the full detail down. Good luck.

This is a total nightmare IMO. I agree that your partner sounds like a saint.

If this looks like a long-term thing, could you buy a different house, where there is more of a separate annex for your daughter? e.g. a basement flat?