Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

You are enabling her and not preparing her to be independent. This is a massive disservice to her.
Establish some ground rules for her staying with you. Include time frames for when she will be moving out, household responsibilities and behaviour guidelines. Be clear on what is and is not acceptable. Include your DP as she needs to realise you are a team. She's currently playing you against each other. This is his home as much as yours. Her staying with you is a favour not a right.
Show her how to budget etc then she does it . Using a budget she can plan when she can afford to move out.
Her father being absent is his choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
She's 25 FFS!

I agree 👍 💯

So sorry this is longer than I meant!

To your partner, I'd say I need him to let things go when she mutters under her breath. He's letting the shit carry on when he responds to every little thing. She's going to do it whether he bites or not, so I'd ask him, for your sake to let it not bother him. Maybe easier said than done but it doesn't need to be a conflict, it's maybe just how she lets off steam after a little bust up. I would ask him to try to not take it personally. The chain of events will always play out the same way if nothing ever changes. I'd apologise for favouring your daughter and explain why you did.it, but that you can see it wasn't the best thing to do. If he has complaints, he can speak to her directly or bring it to you eventually, not instantly.

I'd say to your daughter that things need to change, will be changing. She's more than capable of keeping up with her share of basic housework. If she doesn't do something immediately, then you expect her to do it once she's been reminded and that it will not be left for someone else to do nor will you wait around for her to eventually get round to doing it.
She needs to realise that it's YOUR home too, you can't relax in a home where you need to constantly play referee. You need to be firm. Many survive just fine with an absent parent. You will not tolerate he said/she said shit anymore. She needs to show some respect to your partner.

They do get on, it's just living together is hard work at the moment. Your partner is human, ofcourse he can still be a good person even with low tolerance of laziness. He's stood by you and is standing by you even when it appears you're against him when your daughter plays up. You need to provide a united team front. People need to compromise a little.

He needs to chill to little mumbles and not take it as an attack. She's just being petty. She needs to respect the home and everyone in it. You need to take a deep breath. We all do what we need to when we're forced in to survival mode but you're out of that now. You have a solid relationship and are obviously still there for your kids. You've got through the hard part. Everyone just needs to remember you're a family. You all love and are there for eachother. It's not a war zone. Make sure you show your partner how much you appreciate him. Make sure your daughter knows you're there for her but you won't be wiping her arse anymore and it's for her benefit that you'll be doing that. She's a woman now, she still has your support and time with you.so it's not like you're being harsh towards her. You're still yourself, aswell as 'mum'. You matter too.

What is it about him that makes him a 'sweetie'? He sounds anything but.

Why does he live with you, was it your idea or his?

If it was me I would sit them both down at the table and tell them both that you are no longer going to listen or deal with the bickering.
tell your dd in front of your partner that you both love her very much however as a fully fledged adult having the generosity of you both to live back at home at 25 she is expected to act like an adult including chores and helping and being respectful to those that pay the mortgage.

she’s not a teenager op is she.
she’s a grown adult. Treat her like one.

and tell your partner that you don’t want to receive moaning messages from him either regarding dd.

if they have a problem with each other they can discuss it between them.

tell them their making you miserable.

if she doesn’t want to partake in adulthood within the house like cleaning tidying shopping and being respectful she needs to move out.

your not helping her by babying around the situation.

be firm with them both and then get up and tell them your off out on your own for a bit

let the air settle down,go for a drive or coffee and come back later on.

They are both adults so need to sort this out between them. You are not their referee. However, it is also your partner's home. If your daughter can't live with him she should find her own place.
Family therapy might be an idea.

In fairness to @Mumof3babygirls, she said she met her current partner when her dd was 15, but definitely did NOT say she moved him in at once - in fact, she said they dated for a long time before he even met her dds, never mind moved in.

@Mumof3babygirls - I agree with the posters who have said you need a firm and direct talk with your 25 year old. And having set the rules, you need to stick to them and not let her walk all over you. I'd also suggest apologising to your partner, and saying you have realised that you've not taken his side when your dd has complained, but that was wrong, and you won't automatically default to defending your dd, when her actions are not defensible.

"Edith - you are 25 years old, and have lived independently, so you know full well that there are chores that need to be done if a house is to run smoothly - and this is even more the case when there are 5 people living under one roof. We all have a responsibility to clear up after ourselves, and to help with the communal chores. You can't just 'chill' on your days off - you need to do your share around the house. You need to pick up after yourself - put your own dishes in the dishwasher without being reminded, do your laundry, tidy up after yourself, AND you need to help with the communal chores - vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom etc. Everyone else is doing this and you are NOT exempt.

If you don't want to live by these rules, you need to find your own place - where you will find no-one else picking up after you, doing your laundry, washing your dishes etc, and either you will learn you have to do these things, or you will live in squalor. But while you live here, we are not willing to enable you any more."

I believe this is what is known as a 'Come-To-Jesus' talk, in the US.

Another poster who struggles with reading. The dishwasher issue is the OP's daughter not putting things in the dishwasher because she expects others to clear up after her. It's not about how things are put in.

How does the partner not sound OK? Because he expects a 25 year old to clear up after themselves? Given the daughter does none of the chores around the house then the least she can do is tidy up after herself. Even the 2 other daughters point out to the OP that she is spoiling the eldest. The OP's partner is helping the eldest to pay off her debt and in return she leaves his house a mess. He is not the problem here.

1 child out of 3

Ask them to stop the texts regarding simple niggling things such as glasses in the dishwasher - honestly! If they continue to text don't engage or just simply give a thumbs up 👍 and end it there.

Except this isn't true. She did not move this man in when her daughter was 15 and the daughter did not dislike him when he moved in. Please actually read the OP's posts.

@Mumof3babygirlsyou say “Partner isn’t very sympathetic or patient of anyone.” Does that include you?

@Mumof3babygirls
With respect, although she’s an adult, she’s not adulting!
She absolutely needs to pull her weight, pay bills etc….
By allowing her not to you’re actually allowing her to develop poor life coping strategies. If she gets used to this she will never be independent.
You need to put all your guilt aside, and be the real grown up.
Enough of allowing her poor behaviour.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

You moved a man she didn't like into her home when she was only 15. How is that putting her first?

But she was only 15 when her mom got into a relationship.

So, it didn't actually take "ages" for you to fall for someone else after their abusive father left. In my experience it takes more than 3 years to get over something like that. This relationship would have impacted on her. Your daughter was just 12 when the abusive father left and by the time she was 15 you were involved with someone else. Contrary to what you say you did not put your children first and your daughter is possibly still acting out because of this. She might see something that you are not facing - for a start you let slip on this forum that he is not patient or sympathetic of anyone. How is that sweet?

She is an adult now and our expectation is that adults deal with these consequences on their own. Poor woman.

He doesn't sound like a sweetie. Not to her anyway.

What was it like before she moved in? Did he have a go at you about the way you put things in the dishwasher etc?

Your daughter is an adult and doesn't get any say in your relationships, just as you don't have a say in hers. She's lucky that she's been able to move back in with you and has no right to make the rules or moan about who she's living with.

So your 25 year old has moved in with you and your partner ? Well she needs to stop whining about the people that have bailed her out and put a roof over her head. She needs to move out and learn to manage as the adult she is.

Then why would you even consider giving up work to be around all the time