Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 14/05/2025 22:53

bookmarket · 13/05/2025 08:18

OP - could it be that you are averse to all conflict due to your ex husband?

I'm this way. My DH and young adult DD clash a bit and bicker and it drives me mad. He's her father.The things that DD does that wind up DH and vice versa, irritate me also but I don't rise to it because I avoid conflict and have learnt to choose my words more carefully to get my point across.

Generally I do leave them to it even if it annoys me, but I don't like it.

Are your dd and DH ever saying anything hurtful to each other or is it just overreaction to comments made? If the latter then stepping out of the room and refusing to listen to either one of them tell you about their clashes might be your best way forward.

Edited

Yes I hate conflict. There was so much in the later years of my marriage that I avoid it at all costs if I can.

they are never mean to each other. It’s just bickering
I wouldn’t have either of them being mean to the other

OP posts:

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 14/05/2025 10:42

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:57

So, it didn't actually take "ages" for you to fall for someone else after their abusive father left. In my experience it takes more than 3 years to get over something like that. This relationship would have impacted on her. Your daughter was just 12 when the abusive father left and by the time she was 15 you were involved with someone else. Contrary to what you say you did not put your children first and your daughter is possibly still acting out because of this. She might see something that you are not facing - for a start you let slip on this forum that he is not patient or sympathetic of anyone. How is that sweet?

She is an adult now and our expectation is that adults deal with these consequences on their own. Poor woman.

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Bloody hell you're judgemental.

Should all women whose marriages have broken down remain single until their children have grown up, in case their dating impacts on the children? Do you judge single dads as harshly?

What about the positives and stability this guy has brought into their lives?

She's not been bringing back a different bloke every weekend fgs.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:41

Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 19:37

There's a big consensus on MN that all step fathers even the decent ones are a bad thing and that if a mum splits up from her husband she should remain single for the remainder of her life as to not to upset or damage her children even if they are well into adulthood. I'd try and not take it too much to heart.

I'm glad you have been able to some of the advice on board and hopefully some positive changes can come about.

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Their father did enough damage I have spent the years desperately to help them.

i would never let a man around my daughters if I had my concerns.
I was 37 when my ex husband left and was a single mum for many years I still had lots of love to give to someone as well as my girls
thanks for replying
take care x

OP posts:

Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 19:37

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:31

Thankyou all for yr advice

I don’t agree with some that have replied. I have always tried to be a good mum and do right by my daughters! I didn’t move a stranger in the house, my daughters have been involved at every step along the way
I agree I have enabled my daughters behaviour and couldn’t see that for myself, I can now and can put in rules to help the house
my partner has his faults as do we all but he is a good man

thanks again x

There's a big consensus on MN that all step fathers even the decent ones are a bad thing and that if a mum splits up from her husband she should remain single for the remainder of her life as to not to upset or damage her children even if they are well into adulthood. I'd try and not take it too much to heart.

I'm glad you have been able to some of the advice on board and hopefully some positive changes can come about.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:31

Thankyou all for yr advice

I don’t agree with some that have replied. I have always tried to be a good mum and do right by my daughters! I didn’t move a stranger in the house, my daughters have been involved at every step along the way
I agree I have enabled my daughters behaviour and couldn’t see that for myself, I can now and can put in rules to help the house
my partner has his faults as do we all but he is a good man

thanks again x

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 19:05

SmoothRoads · 13/05/2025 11:04

But she was only 15 when her mom got into a relationship.

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Ten years ago. And he moved in with the consent and agreement of all three girls. DD is now 25 and OP says there was never any problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and moved back in when it didn’t work and she had debt to pay off. Sometimes these things are not the fault of the step parent however much you’d like them to be.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:56

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:57

So, it didn't actually take "ages" for you to fall for someone else after their abusive father left. In my experience it takes more than 3 years to get over something like that. This relationship would have impacted on her. Your daughter was just 12 when the abusive father left and by the time she was 15 you were involved with someone else. Contrary to what you say you did not put your children first and your daughter is possibly still acting out because of this. She might see something that you are not facing - for a start you let slip on this forum that he is not patient or sympathetic of anyone. How is that sweet?

She is an adult now and our expectation is that adults deal with these consequences on their own. Poor woman.

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Absolute bollocks. MN hates step parents - even the decent ones. He’s stepped up and taken on the mortgage and three children. OP says there was no problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and then had to move back in because she got herself into debt, which OP and her partner are helping her pay off. Poor woman my arse - she has OP and her partner paying off her debt and she can’t even be bothered to pitch in with housework or clean up after herself. She’s 25. An adult. And OP is enabling her to be a manipulative madam setting everyone against each other so that she can do what she wants. How is that the partners’ fault ?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:51

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:46

He doesn't sound like a sweetie. Not to her anyway.

What was it like before she moved in? Did he have a go at you about the way you put things in the dishwasher etc?

Read the OP and updates. OP has clearly said there was no problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and then moved back in when they split and she was in debt. OP has said DD doesn’t help around the house and refuses to clean up after herself - and that she, (OP) is enabling it by letting her get away with it. She doesn’t back her partner up when he tries to intervene but takes her daughter’s side. If I were the partner this would be a deal breaker for me - he’s helping pay off DD’s debt but gets no respect and has no voice in his own home. I’d be long gone.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:40

pinkyredrose · 13/05/2025 11:40

What is it about him that makes him a 'sweetie'? He sounds anything but.

Why does he live with you, was it your idea or his?

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He’s lived with OP for ten years. Added to the mortgage because OP couldn’t afford to keep the house on by herself. He sounds a decent guy who is trying to do right by everyone and OP has admitted she takes her DD’s side every time. I don’t think this is a DP problem, I think it’s an OP problem.

Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 17:35

Do people really live in households where there is no bickering? Or where adult children don't bicker with their parents?

I moved back home in my mid twenties for a short while to save for a house deposit. Going from being totally independent to living back with my parents was a huge adjustment for me and my parents and there was plenty of bickering going on! I'm not surprised the OPs partner is bickering with the daughter, I would be too at a 25 year old who was doing sod all around the house.

MiniPantherOwner · 13/05/2025 17:28

It's good that you are recognising that things need to change regarding your daughter. While it does sound like her behaviour might be the primary cause of the arguments, I'd be a bit wary of placing all the blame on her. Your partner has probably got into some negative behaviours around bickering with her and both will need to change the way they interact.

Braygirlnow · 13/05/2025 16:30

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:24

He is a good man. He doesn’t have his own children so it’s definitely been a learning curve for him
she moved in with her ex bf for 2 years he didn’t help pay rent/ bills so got into a lot of debt which we are slowly chipping away at. I think it will be a good few years until she’s mentally and financially able to

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So you and her step dad are helping her with her debt! And she repays you by whinging about sd and expecting him/ you to clean up after her? Ffs! Sit her down explain she needs to

Be respectful to the people who are helping her.
Pull her weight, have a roster, she is not a child and you and sd are not her skivvy's.

3.if she and sd have a problem you don't need to hear about it, unless it affects you. 4.She needs to have a plan, time frame on when she is moving out.

Braygirlnow · 13/05/2025 16:09

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

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So she gets to chill while you cook and clean for her?...set a roater , she is an adult she should have a day where she cooks the dinner, she can do her own washing and she can help with washing up and hoovering. If you do everything for her why would she ever leave or grow up?

littlemissprosseco · 13/05/2025 15:28

As @Laoise542, myself, and others have pointed out. You are actually doing her a huge disservice and setting her up to fail in life.
Things need to change.
Good luck

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 14:53

Radra · 13/05/2025 10:00

Can you imagine a woman posting:

My 25 year old stepson does absolutely nothing around the house

He has a load of debt which he expects both of us to help him with

My DH works away so I have to deal with him half the week

If I so much as ask him to put his own cup in the dishwasher, he whinges to my DH who always takes his side

Not one single person would take the stepson's side

You are so right. As I’m reading through the replies I’m cringing coz I know most of you are right

OP posts:

Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 14:09

S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 12:39

You are enabling her and not preparing her to be independent. This is a massive disservice to her.
Establish some ground rules for her staying with you. Include time frames for when she will be moving out, household responsibilities and behaviour guidelines. Be clear on what is and is not acceptable. Include your DP as she needs to realise you are a team. She's currently playing you against each other. This is his home as much as yours. Her staying with you is a favour not a right.
Show her how to budget etc then she does it . Using a budget she can plan when she can afford to move out.
Her father being absent is his choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
She's 25 FFS!

Edited

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I totally agree with this. My mum has totally babied one of my brothers (who has absolutely no reason to be babied). Paying his bills, doing his washing, cooking. Short of wiping his arse, you name it my mum did it for him as she wanted to help him and still wanting some sort of mothering role. All it's created is a man in his mid 30s who has no skills to live independently or has any responsibility, still lives at home and has watched his own friendship circle dwindle as everyone else has moved on with their lives and now my mum is panicking that me or my other sibling will need to "look after" my brother once she dies (not a hope in hell). Its created tension within our family and been a complete disservice to him.

Your daughter is 25 and needs to be treated like the adult she is. I can't offer much more than the other advice offered here but I hope you resolve it soon.

littlemissprosseco · 13/05/2025 14:00

@Mumof3babygirls “ not her plates to empty!?” And she gets away with that…. Wow.

TheSoapyFrog · 13/05/2025 13:49

My mum met my now stepdad when I was 13. We did clash, mainly because I was a bit of a selfish arsehole, and I resented someone else taking my mum's time. I moved out when I was 17, but moved back for a year or so in my early 20s.

I'm in my 40s now, and have a family of my own. I love my stepdad more than my bio dad. If my mum had broken it off with him because of me, she'd be so lonely and unhappy, and I'd never forgive myself for that.

My mum has a son from another relationship, and my stepdad adopted him as his bio dad wasn't interested in him. My brother is autistic and has mental health problems. He's in his 30s, but has spent most of his adult life living with our parents. He got married once and lived with his wife. They divorced eventually sadly. He's now living with another girlfriend and her family, but he does struggle.

DM has coddled him over the years and he's become accustomed to having lots of things done for him. We know DB will be back home at some point though. And I know DSD struggles. Throw in the shit I've given them over my life as well, he's put up with a hell of a lot.

I would never be disrespectful to him, and if my DB is, my mum will always pull him up on it. DSD is a good man that doesn't deserve that.

Also... all families bicker at some point, whether it's a traditional family or a blended family. It's certainly nothing worth moving out or ending a relationship over.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 13/05/2025 13:40

You could do a deal with her, if you can afford it. Offer rent free for a period where she has the opportunity to save and sort herself out and get back renting again. Maybe a year. But in the interim she pulls her weight. You also have an example to set for younger children here too.

steff13 · 13/05/2025 13:37

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 13:34

She doesn’t really do anything. She cooks her own dinner and will on occasion clean up but will also just pile it in the sink if the dishwasher is full as she says it’s not her plates to empty

I know I need to step up more. I’m not helping the situation

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This isn't acceptable. Everyone who lives in the house helps keep it clean. Even little kids can empty a dishwasher.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 13:34

Dontlletmedownbruce · 13/05/2025 13:25

She sounds unreasonable from this post. Yes it's ok to do nothing on your day off if you've caught up on your chores on your working days but you can't expect someone else to clean up after you. Is that what you mean? Or is it that she has done her part but it still irritates him that she's in the way? (In which case he is unreasonable).

Honestly I don't think its that different to any other family where adults live at home. Lots of people don't get on with one of their parents and no one expects the parents to divorce just so the adult kid can do what they want at home.

If you were to break up for her sake then what if she never moves out? Then you are destined to never have a partner or a life of your own. I'm all for making sacrifices for children but not adults. I understand she has difficulties and it's not simple but she needs to find her way in the world with your support.

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She doesn’t really do anything. She cooks her own dinner and will on occasion clean up but will also just pile it in the sink if the dishwasher is full as she says it’s not her plates to empty

I know I need to step up more. I’m not helping the situation

OP posts:

steff13 · 13/05/2025 13:34

Banmooo · 13/05/2025 11:06

You moved a man she didn't like into her home when she was only 15. How is that putting her first?

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They've lived together for 8 years, so she was 17 when he moved in. And she said the strife didn't start until after she moved out and then back in.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 13/05/2025 13:25

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

Show quote history

She sounds unreasonable from this post. Yes it's ok to do nothing on your day off if you've caught up on your chores on your working days but you can't expect someone else to clean up after you. Is that what you mean? Or is it that she has done her part but it still irritates him that she's in the way? (In which case he is unreasonable).

Honestly I don't think its that different to any other family where adults live at home. Lots of people don't get on with one of their parents and no one expects the parents to divorce just so the adult kid can do what they want at home.

If you were to break up for her sake then what if she never moves out? Then you are destined to never have a partner or a life of your own. I'm all for making sacrifices for children but not adults. I understand she has difficulties and it's not simple but she needs to find her way in the world with your support.

StarCourt · 13/05/2025 13:09

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 07:23

No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

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@RareGoalsVerge where does OP say she moved him in 10 years ago?? She said they’d been together 10 years which is very different. What’s your agenda for stirring this?

Throwmoneyatit · 13/05/2025 13:01

Your daughter is a 25 year old brat who kicks off when mummy's not there. She'll know exactly what she's doing. She won't behave like this at work.

Saying things under her breath to wind people
up?
Getting away with being the only person in the house who doesn't have to help because she works and wants to rest?
Crying to mummy when she's actually told to do something?

Not a chance in my house. What an entitled baby!