To think it’s not realistic for me to have a relationship for a very long time?

I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years. We are both divorced with kids. I have 3 kids but two of them are young adults/older teenagers. All 3 live at home with me. The youngest goes to his dad 2 nights a fortnight and the older two see him on their own terms. My partner has 2 kids that he has 50% of the time.

We spend 2 nights together every other weekend child free when my youngest is with his dad. We love this time together and still get excited when it’s our weekend. In addition to this, my partner comes to stay one night mid-week when my kids are at home but he is child-free.

My youngest is roughly the same age as his two kids and when it’s not our free weekend we often meet up with the kids for an activity or my son and I occasionally go for a sleepover with him and his kids. We’ve had a couple of family holidays together and he and I have enjoyed a few holidays, just the two of us. We live about 30 minutes drive away from each other and have found a way to make it work without making our kids move schools or compromise on their lives so it can be done if you meet the right person. Housework etc just gets done whenever I can fit it in. My life is far richer for having my partner in my life although it can be a bit of a challenge to juggle everything but worth it for me.

I have a 14yo and 11yo, been seeing my DP for a year. I see him usually once a week, staying over if possible, and he also comes to our house and spends time with the family. Once we became serious I introduced him to the kids, so he comes for dinner or we all go out together - if you start seeing someone when you can, you could make it more regular later maybe? I also speak to him every day.

You’re catastrophising. No one is making you spend weekends when you don’t have your children doing housework, and there’s a big middle ground in between ‘not dating at all’ and moving someone in and blending your families! If you would like to date, date.

You have time. When your kids are with you do the chores then..or give then a couple of quid to help you. That way you have eow to date. My ex sees my kids for an hour a week if that. They never stay over.
Tbh I've decided not to bother. After my exs behaviour I'll never trust another man again.

Sounds sensible to me, it’s more complicated if trying to blend where other children are involved. He was clearly ok with poster them having children. He was widowed, maybe had planned to but didn’t get to. Men like that are hard to find.

This is really good to read. It’s how my daughter feels and I don’t think you (or she) are being unfair at all to want a safe place like that growing up. It’s what every child needs and deserves.

I’m with you. No time or inclination to date at all. I’ve had my daughter most of the time since she was 3, she’s now 10. She’s with her father (and new family) every other weekend and a couple of days a week. I pay for everything for my daughter and provide all primary care. Ex is extremely unreliable, so will randomly say he can’t have her during “his time”. This situation, plus a professional career, means I don’t date at all. However, I’m fine with that as I don’t want to expose my daughter to an adult man and she has specifically stated she doesn’t want me to have a man live here. From what I understand, a child is 100x more likely to be abused if there is an unrelated adult in the home, so I really don’t want this either.

I think it’s just realistic that you need to put your child first.

I dated someone with 2 children for 9 months. It was a nightmare so I specified no children for future dates. If I met the right person ( I was only 35 at the time) I would have happily had more( as it was we tried after we married but it didn't happen). I was turned down by lots of men the dating agency contacted on my behalf because they didn't have children and didn't want to meet a woman who had already had children with someone else. I was entirely comfortable with being single for years if I didn't find anyone who didn't have children but didn't mind a woman with 2 already. My 2nd husband was a young childless widower. He didn't see having his own children as important. He was happy to see what happened . I don't see my request to the dating agency as remotely selfish. I knew what life situation I wanted and , having dated a man who lived in total chaos with 2 children who appeared abd disappeared at utterly random times, I knew I didn't want that. If my second husband had desperately wanted his own children he could have dated any number of women ( he's tall, handsome, lacked an angry exwife and is extremely well off) .He was 38. He could have found someone of 28ish and had lots of babies but he decided to fall in love with me. He wasn't upset thst we couldn't have our own children

The thing is most men are switching off also so now men don't really think relationships are worth the effort anymore (those that have come out of them anyway) I'm 45 now and have actually happy I am single and don't want another relationship ever I don't think, after being in 3 long term (5 year, 9 year and 7 year) relationships it's been 2 years now and to me they just are not worth the hassle.

And my friends some have only ever been in a couple of year relationships and don't even try to seek women, it's like men have just switched off and I don't blame them the way things are at the moment.

Never thought I’d be single at 50 but here we are 😏

You are very lucky you get a child free weekend! I have a 13 year old son that stays with dad for regular overnights but my sen 9yo daughter has never stayed with him overnight. She has slept in my bed since we split a year ago. I’m currently still in the marital home so if I want a night out, their dad has to come and sit with them here 😩 got no-one else to babysit. I’ve been out probably 3 times and due to go out all day this Saturday and my sen daughter is moaning she doesn’t want me to go. She’s not attended school since early April so I never really get a break.
I am quite happy being single as peri menopause is rough mentally for me. I get lonely in the evenings when they’ve gone to bed. But we rescued two cats a few months ago so they are quite therapeutic.
I mean having a man would help with all the shelves and blinds I’ve got waiting to go up 🤣

I would just ignore social media and the general pressure to be coupled up and just concentrate on yourself and your kids. It will happen when it’s the right time.

You are not alone. I have a 13 year old who has additional needs and a 10 year old. I haven’t been looking for anyone for pretty much the exact same reasons that you have stated. Whilst I do often ponder if I would be happier if I met someone, at the moment I don’t actually feel that there is anything missing from my life. My friends fill the void when I need a night off or a cuppa and a chat. The best thing I ever did was get a dog after my husband left, they are such great company, especially when the kids are in bed or at their dads and she gets me out and about with walks etc…

I probably won’t always feel like this but at the moment, I’m not sure a new partner or the idea of a blended family would work for us. My boys are happy and I am happy, so whilst I do often wonder what the future holds for me relationship wise, I try not to think too far ahead and put that pressure on myself (easier said than done though!).

In a similar boat OP, but I find it a bit of a shame as I’m older than you - had my child in my early 40s - and hadn’t really ever found love or had a decent s@x life - ever. I felt a (probably perimenopausal) urge to meet someone, but it was mostly fraught with difficulties. I did eventually meet someone but he has his own small child and the dynamics are too tricky to consider living together. So we hang out but there’s an undertone of pointlessness as it’s hard to keep separate lives in reality. Esp when it would be so much easier to be helping each other out. So yeah, I’ll be mid 60s too! You never know though OP…

My mum waited until I'd left home to have a serious relationship (she dated casually when we were at our dad's house, but nothing serious).

It feels unfair but I'm so grateful that she never made me share my home with an unrelated man or his children. It meant I had somewhere I could feel completely safe and relaxed and that is so important during childhood/teenage years.

Those people (both mothers and fathers) prioritise their love life over other things, often including their children.

I think you're absolutely right to not want a blended family, but there's really no reason why you couldn't date on your childfree weekends if you wanted to. You might meet someone in a similar position who would be happy with EOW.

It might be a bad time now, but the kids will get older and spend more time away from you of their own accord.

p.s. asking for a friend

If you want a relationship prioritise it.

Why do you need to bring someone into the home. My mum had a couple of partners over the years after splitting with my Dad and she always said she wouldn’t ever move anyone in with us. She didn’t remarry and live with someone until she was much older and we had all moved out but she had long term relationships up until that point.

I specified no children

But you had young kids yourself? Didn't you feel selfish?

How easy was it to meet a man without kids that wanted to date a single mother?

I think your instincts are right and you aren’t best-placed to look for a serious relationship right now. It would definitely be a risk to bring someone else into the home. Look up the ‘Cinderella effect’. I agree with PP that you might find something casual that suits you, but can understand that you might not want to invest your free time with blokes you don’t know rather than being with friends or being at home alone atm.

But keep an open mind and remember that this period where you aren’t best-placed to date is a relatively short time in your life. I agree that it’s unlikely your dc will be moving out at 18 but I think you’ll have more freedom when they’re in their teens. I hope you meet someone decent later down the line.

This. Very nicely put.

Same..been single since before DC was born and as a sole parent don't have time on my own. Doesn't bother me really. Altho would like someone to put the bins out /have some of the stress sometimes 😊

You have loads of free time! I’m a single mom with a 7 and 5 year old, they never stay at their dads and my mom has them twice a year when I get to go out. So realistically I can’t meet someone but you can. Doesn’t have to be serious, just treat it as fun. Bit of company when you don’t have the kids.

I was on my own when my daughter turned 9. I wasn’t actually interested in finding anyone again and loved the freedom of living alone/ being single but things changed and I did meet someone when she was 16 and 2 years later all is fantastic BUT I am really happy now that I actually waited until she was older and that she didn’t meet different boyfriends etc and I enjoyed the time just to be me and a mum

I met my second husband 24 years ago. My children were 7 and 9. They saw their dad EOW. I had no intention of getting married again. He was a widower ( widowed at 38) no children. I specified no children ( joined a dating agency. . No online stuff then). He is a lovely man and they quickly came to regard him as 'sensible dad' ( particularly during the A level and University years). They loved their biological dad but he wasn't sensible or remotely reliable. He committed suicide just over a year ago after behaving horrendously ( and illegally for several years). My second husband is acknowledged by both of them ( now 30 and 32) simply as their dad. We are introduced to people as 'my mum and dad' . He is grandad to their children. Not grandad X, Y,Z just grandad. We dated for 2 years and then married. It's been lovely. Just give it a go if you want Op. You don't have to get married, date someone with children, live together etc etc.

There's no rush to find someone. My later mother was widowed at 45 and never had another man. She brought up both my sister and myself and she said the same thing she didn't want a man coming into her home and turning things upside .
Looking back at it I to wish she had a friend she could have gone on holiday with or do social things with.
She always said her children were enough but I don't think it was as she reached the end of her life.
Have a special friend but he has his place and you have yours. Being on your own isn't always that great