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Original poster

Dad using individual ladies loo to change baby – what’s the etiquette?

336 replies

horchatatresleches · 12/05/2025 17:36

We were at a small cafe we hadn’t visited before – just me, DH, and our baby DS. When DS needed changing, DH went to check the facilities but came back quickly saying the baby change was in the ladies so I changed him but it got me wondering about what is the etiquette.

The setup was one of those where the mens and women loos are both single-occupancy, self-contained rooms that open off the same hallway – not communal spaces with stalls. So it’s not like he’d be walking into a room with other women inside and making anyone uncomfortable. I’ve been to similar cafes where both loos are labelled gender-neutral, which seems simpler. Personally, I wouldn’t bat an eye if I saw a dad coming out of that kind of loo with a baby, but DH felt uncomfortable using the ladies even though there was no one else around. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done if I hadn’t been there to help.

Is there an etiquette about dads using the ladies in this kind of setup if that’s where the baby change is?
YANBU - he’s fine to use the baby change
YABU - he shouldn’t go in the ladies there

OP posts:
Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:35

blubbyblub · 12/05/2025 20:33

How is it discrimination if all toilets are available for all people to use

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Read the post I was replying to.

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:34

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 12/05/2025 20:29

Of course it wouldn't. Unisex means anybody can use it, with or without a baby or a penis.

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I am aware. I was addressing a different poster who thought that only men with a baby would be allowed to enter that mixed sex space.

blubbyblub · 12/05/2025 20:34

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:14

If a man is in the women’s then a woman who needs that bin can’t access it because it a man is where he shouldn’t be.

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If anyone is in the loo when a woman needing the sanitary bin then the woman would have to wait.

blubbyblub · 12/05/2025 20:33

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:23

This issue is that as soon as you make a space unisex it’s for all men to use - not just the ones with babies. That would be direct sex discrimination, I believe.

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How is it discrimination if all toilets are available for all people to use

bythere · 12/05/2025 20:32

"If a man is in the women’s then a woman who needs that bin can’t access it because it a man is where he shouldn’t be."

Exactly this.

blubbyblub · 12/05/2025 20:32

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:24

Don’t be a fool.

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@rainbowunicornisn’t the one looking like a fool

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 12/05/2025 20:29

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:23

This issue is that as soon as you make a space unisex it’s for all men to use - not just the ones with babies. That would be direct sex discrimination, I believe.

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Of course it wouldn't. Unisex means anybody can use it, with or without a baby or a penis.

JandamiHash · 12/05/2025 20:28

self contained loos as you describe - fine to use one which has a woman symbol on the front. It’s a bit pointless really having that symbol!

In “shared” normal loos, men should go in the men’s and find a place to change their baby even if it’s on the floor. And then lobby for more facilities.

Original poster
horchatatresleches · 12/05/2025 20:27

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:14

If a man is in the women’s then a woman who needs that bin can’t access it because it a man is where he shouldn’t be.

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But he’d be in there changing the baby, which is exactly what I’d be doing so no additional time. DH does the majority of the nappy changes, so he’d probably vacate quicker than me!

OP posts:
Flamingopingo · 12/05/2025 20:27

As a lady without a child, for what it's worth, I would have absolutely no problem with a dad using the ladies toilet in this scenario. It seems very backwards that they wouldn't have a table in the men's, or make them both unisex.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 12/05/2025 20:26

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:14

If a man is in the women’s then a woman who needs that bin can’t access it because it a man is where he shouldn’t be.

Show quote history

But if a woman is changing a child in there, the woman who needs her pad will also have to wait. It makes no difference who is in there.

LeopardPants · 12/05/2025 20:26

In this situation he should just use the ladies - it is a piss take that places assume the woman will be the one changing the nappy 🙄

CheeseWisely · 12/05/2025 20:25

Boohoolol · 12/05/2025 20:18

I’m sure that Jersey airport only had baby shaming in the ladies toilets when we were there a few years ago. DH was completely baffled

We flew from Jersey twice last year with DS. There is at least one dual purpose unisex disabled toilet with baby change.

Couldnotthinkofausername · 12/05/2025 20:24

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 12/05/2025 18:39

Some people have missed/ignored the description of the loos :-

"The setup was one of those where the mens and women loos are both single-occupancy, self-contained rooms that open off the same hallway – not communal spaces with stalls. "

No reason why he couldn't have used the one labelled "ladies".

Perhaps both could be labelled toilet, & 1 "with baby-changing table".

This would be the sensible option and simple to implement.

Original poster
horchatatresleches · 12/05/2025 20:24

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:06

Interesting that you don’t see a changing space within the men’s as an option - just women giving up their spaces.

Is your DH going to raise the lack of changing tables in the men’s with the cafe?

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I was discussing the options in the cafe I was in. Discussing cubicle sizes with DH, the room allocated to the men was tiny and didn’t have space for a baby changing table. The ladies was quite large and comfortably fit a changing table. If there was space then adding a baby change to mens should be considered.

I don’t see self contained loos as spaces which need to be protected. Only one person can be in at a time. Many other cafes and coffee shops we go to have two or three gender neutral loos and that seems to work well. A fair few only have one loo so no way to gender segregate that! It seems arbitrary to label one for men and one for women when it’s a loo and a sink which could be used by anyone.

As I said, he won’t raise it with that cafe as it’s not likely we’ll go back there. He didn’t raise it at the time because it was seriously understaffed, and in the time it took him to take the DS to the men’s, realise there was no baby change there, give DS to me, and me to change him and return, the same person was still at the front of the queue waiting to speak to someone (the glacial pace being part of the reason we don’t want to return). He would raise it at a venue where speaking to someone wouldn’t take as long as just driving home to change the baby or somewhere we would return to.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:24

rainbowunicorn · 12/05/2025 20:24

Oh, come on now you are being really ridiculous. Are you seriously saying that only female babies should be changed in a ladies loo with baby changing facilities or are you so keen to keep banging your drum that you aren't even reading responses properly?

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Don’t be a fool.

rainbowunicorn · 12/05/2025 20:24

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 19:48

It is if it’s labelled Ladies/women/female.

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Oh, come on now you are being really ridiculous. Are you seriously saying that only female babies should be changed in a ladies loo with baby changing facilities or are you so keen to keep banging your drum that you aren't even reading responses properly?

XenoBitch · 12/05/2025 20:23

Boohoolol · 12/05/2025 20:18

I’m sure that Jersey airport only had baby shaming in the ladies toilets when we were there a few years ago. DH was completely baffled

I know it was a typo, but "baby shaming" made me smile. I wonder what that would look like in reality. 😅

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:23

aster10 · 12/05/2025 20:19

It’s not a perfect situation, but in principle it would be not any man, but a not very frequent situation of a man with a daughter. I would be comfortable if my older daughter is in one cubicle and a man with his young daughter is in another. I would not wish for that young girl to watch men urinating.

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This issue is that as soon as you make a space unisex it’s for all men to use - not just the ones with babies. That would be direct sex discrimination, I believe.

XenoBitch · 12/05/2025 20:20

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:14

If a man is in the women’s then a woman who needs that bin can’t access it because it a man is where he shouldn’t be.

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And if a woman is in there who is not on her period, she is also denying access to the woman that needs that bin.
How long are people in loos? Anyone can wait a couple of minutes.

minnienono · 12/05/2025 20:20

In circumstances like this toilets need to be for anyone, single sex spaces don’t work if they don’t provide accessible toilets and baby changing in both men and women

aster10 · 12/05/2025 20:19

TheNightingalesStarling · 12/05/2025 19:57

So you don't think your daughter should have a single sex toilet when she's older, and that any random man could go in?

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It’s not a perfect situation, but in principle it would be not any man, but a not very frequent situation of a man with a daughter. I would be comfortable if my older daughter is in one cubicle and a man with his young daughter is in another. I would not wish for that young girl to watch men urinating.

Ddakji · 12/05/2025 20:19

FedupofArsenalgame · 12/05/2025 20:17

If another woman is using the single cubicle then the waiting woman who needs the sanitary bin won't be able to use it until the cubicle is free anyway.

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Of course not but why should the issue be compounded by a man being where he shouldn’t be? We don’t have enough spaces as it is. So I’d rather not give the spaces we do have away in some misguided attempt at “equality”.

Scottishskifun · 12/05/2025 20:19

DH used to have this problem in certain places, if he was on his own he would speak to staff to check first and usually a staff member would also assist by standing outside.

Unfortunately quite a few places had this problem. DH would often get praised by women for changing the nappy in the first place though 🙄

CuteOrangeElephant · 12/05/2025 20:18

XenoBitch · 12/05/2025 20:07

I don't get what the issue is with sanitary bins. Yes, men wont need them, but they wont spontaneously combust if they see one either. I mean, disabled loos are for men and women, and have them in too.

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Men do need them actually. This gent started the Boys need bins campaign to address this: https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cxrr4y2nvydo .

Ian Smith

Boys Need Bins: Sanitary bins secured for gents loos in Worcester

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cxrr4y2nvydo