Awful DIL family

We’ve met our daughter’s in-laws about half a dozen times in 8 years (no problem with each other, just doesn’t arise).
Why do you need to see them so often? Just see the grandchildren separately.

I think the shades of Pemberley are already thus polluted. Just go round when the Bennets aren’t there.

You don’t mention inviting your DS and his family to you

This seems a bit like your looking for an excuse to not have a relationship with your GC. Is talking to your DS your way of passing blame for why you don't see his children much? I can't see what else it would be for. It's a bit late to advise him on the relationship now their already married with DC.
My BIL is awful, not a chance he is getting in the way of my relationship with my niece though, and he actually lives with her. I visit and try to make conversation and be polite and I meet her and sis out and have them visit my home.

Keep on doing what you are doing. Change nothing. Just 'manage' the situation.

Discretion is the better part of valour, in this case, I think.

Gird up and harness your kindness, your manners & social skills, and try not to notice. I suppose it's tough if your DGC through its mother's family, learns to be rude/uncouth, but hopefully your DS will see that doesn't happen.

He probably cringes at his in-laws as well.

I think you’re best leaving it be. If I’m you have contact with his in laws grin and bear it. Does their behaviour have any impact on the GCs? I’d be concerned if
they were influenced by their bad language and racist views.

Then probably you should leave well alone

Why can’t you get DS to bring DGC round to yours more?

What do you hope to achieve by saying anything to your son? It's certainly not going to make things less awkward. So why do it? You have good relations with your son and SIL, so don't risk that for no good reason.

Well, when Mr Darcy told Eliza that her mother was awful, her two sisters loud and behaving inappropiately, and so did her dad on occasion. Did it go down well? Only Jane got a pass. She agreed with him in her head but her heart made her pissed off with him. So with this in mind I would keep schtum and try to get them to go out or to your place to avoid her people. But I wouldn´t let it ruin my relationship with my gc.

I think poster means “clashing” as in not visiting the same time, not as in clash of personalities

I don't think the OP has said she "clashes" with them?

Sorry, you want to mention WHAT to your son to 'clear the air'?

You want to announce, apropos of nothing, that his in-laws are rough? I suppose I just don't understand why you would bring it up. If you want to see him and the children more, surely you would just invite them over?

If you dont cross paths with them very often then why should it be a problem. Just avoid them as much as possible. Start organising days out or have your DS and family come to you more often if they will. We see my parents once a week, and PIL once a week. But they never see eachother. Maybe once or twice a year at the DCs birthdays. I really dont understand why you would even see them. I appreciate its not your fault and they are the issue, but seriously just avoid them. If you really must speak to DS, just say something like youd really like to have some one on one time with them all without DILs family there, could you organise a time to come once a week when you know they wont be there?

I would just try to avoid them. Or at least, be polite if you absolutely must see them, but really how often do two sets of in laws really have to interact? Surely it can’t be much? You get on well with DIL, that’s all that’s really required.

Least said soonest mended. It’s an old motto which is true to this day.

It’s not clear what you are planning to mention to your DS? That you were wrong, her family does matter and he should…. what exactly? What can he do? Tell his wife her family are rough and they are no longer welcome in their lives? Break up his family? What good could possibly come from telling him?

Then surley there isn’t an issue?

Op this is a them issue, it’s not a problem of yours. You need to go there expecting them to be rude etc. you are not going to charge them!

Invite your son for lunch or dinner, outings and out for dinner. Start to pull back on visits to ds’ house to make it easier.

What an odd response. So she says to the dil your parents are rough, daughter in law says yes I know.what then?

its like if my fil said to me your mums a fuck ing weirdo with no social skills I’d say yep you’ve got it spot on. He would never say that he’s lovely by the way! It’s true though.

If you are welcome in your son and DIL's home then not utilising that and visiting your GC is on you. You also surely have the option to invite them over to your's or offer to babysit GC.

The PIL do sound unpleasant and you wouldn't be wrong to assertively call them out on it if they are saying nasty things. However I would feel like I'd failed my son if he wasn't calling out racist comments especially in front of his children.

You're not going to get anywhere by meekly avoiding your son and his family or by slyly sharing your aggrievances with him. You need to tackle it. Turn up whenever your invited and if the in laws are there then politely but assertively give them a piece of your mind if needed.

Nothing you can do I’m afraid if your son is happy. I have many dysfunctional family
members, and being around them for events is….a lot.

I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I get being around racist people is tiring and confronting them even more tiring but I would make sure to be around to counteract their influence on the GC if they are as uncouth and horrendous as you think.

If your son's in-laws are always there when you visit, why don't you invite them to visit you instead? If you arrange to visit them, do they automatically invite DIL's family as well? You could also suggest meeting them at venues suitable for your grandchildren and offer to treat them.

It would be difficult for you to raise these issues without your DIL feeling that you are criticising her family. I assume that she doesn't hold those views but that she doesn't challenge what they say?