Page 8 | Always the last to be picked

SansaStark90 · 2025-05-12T04:08:00+00:00

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months. Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift. So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.) For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

XelaM · 12/05/2025 09:17

You can choose to find offence in every minor thing/throw-away comment, but the only person that hurts is you. Loosen up a bit and stop looking for reasons to get offended. Your examples are really minor things that you have most likely taken the wrong way.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 09:16

Exasperated24 · 12/05/2025 09:04

Wow. Maybe no one makes the effort because you’re not a nice person 🤔

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I have an aversion and hatred than 90% of the British public don’t know the difference between you are and your. That makes me horrid. Sure you aren’t the sensitive one?

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Missanimosity · 12/05/2025 09:13

Mental health or not, you sound to have amean streak in you. I wouldn't invite you out either.

DontMindMeJust · 12/05/2025 09:12

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 09:11

My Money. My choice.

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Well along similar lines:
My performance, my choice
My car, my choice

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 09:11

Ponoka7 · 12/05/2025 09:07

@SansaStark90 just because they are blood related, doesn't mean that they have to like you, or want to mix with you. Just like them being blood related to their Uncle , doesn't mean that they inherit. Personally, I'd have given them a dropsy. If you were willing to give half away, I'd have shared that out. Because relatives do our parents a favour, it doesn't mean that we owe them. They don't owe you time, like you didn't owe them money. Once cousins grow up, they get to pick who they mix with. It isn't a rejection. Stop trying to control who does/goes were, you aren't in competition with your brother. Foster friendships and get more support for your mental health.

My Money. My choice.

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Ponoka7 · 12/05/2025 09:07

@SansaStark90 just because they are blood related, doesn't mean that they have to like you, or want to mix with you. Just like them being blood related to their Uncle , doesn't mean that they inherit. Personally, I'd have given them a dropsy. If you were willing to give half away, I'd have shared that out. Because relatives do our parents a favour, it doesn't mean that we owe them. They don't owe you time, like you didn't owe them money. Once cousins grow up, they get to pick who they mix with. It isn't a rejection. Stop trying to control who does/goes were, you aren't in competition with your brother. Foster friendships and get more support for your mental health.

Exasperated24 · 12/05/2025 09:04

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 06:30

I hope your post grad wasn’t in English. As upset as I am. I’d always know it’s “you are happy to drive there.”

You are clearly as cold as your mother as you’ve offered little sympathy to someone who has clearly been treated poorly by her family.

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Wow. Maybe no one makes the effort because you’re not a nice person 🤔

dogcatkitten · 12/05/2025 09:01

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 05:30

If it had been worded liked that. No probelm.
it was the, but he’s good looking part. Would no one else not take offence to that?

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I would take the good looking as a joke (is he incredibly handsome) and trying to stop him getting the tattoo. Could you not have got a taxi to and from the venue if you didn't want to walk alone? Or as others have said arrange to park in the same place so you walk with your relatives? Did you ask why you weren't invited to the wedding, it could have been an oversight rather than a sleight. It's easy to get into a habit of thinking the worst of people, I know it's hard but try to think people are generally good at heart.

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 08:58

Your title is very misleading, you talk about being picked last. Why do you think you have worded it that way? Do you assume (without merit) that your brother would have been offered a lift had he agreed to go? Or do you maybe think the people inviting you could have assumed you and your brother might in fact drive in together?

No one has picked you last. Say this group decided together they would go, they have then thought about inviting you and your brother to genuinely spend time with you and because you’d enjoy it. Your reaction then is to get upset, saying “well you didn’t include me on the car ride” - what next? “Well you didn’t have me round for lunch beforehand” or “well I didn’t get to sleepover the night before.”

I say this again, with kindness, because I’ve had a good friend react just like this and it becomes very very difficult to invite them to anything! In fact, we had to stop inviting them anywhere because the invite always became so offensive in ways we could not anticipate. One time a friend asked me if we could all get together on the Friday, and if I could ask our friends. So I said yes. I came back and said “I’ve spoke to X, Y and Z and they would all love to hang out with you on Friday. Shall we do my place?”
Friend then got upset that I had spoke to the others and done all the ‘planning’ without them. Refused to attend because they felt left out. I said, this was YOUR plan. You asked me to invite people, there has been no planning. But there was no listening, just great upset at the presumption we had gone out of our way to exclude her from her own suggestion.

I think the biggest thing you can take away from this is that 99% of the time no one is thinking that deeply about you. They aren’t deliberately saying one thing because they said another to you, they aren’t choosing you last over others. They have chosen you, that should be all that matters and all you focus on.

TheGirlattheBack · 12/05/2025 08:56

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 06:47

Sorry. But I guess I’m looking for kindness. Validation. That I’m not sensitive and I have been treated poorly. My mum spent my entire childhood up until I was 18 severely mentally unwell.

I think me mentioning I have been struggling mentally makes people immediately assume I always see the negative. If it rained every day for a year. Would you expect the next day to be sunny?

One man treated me with kindness and care, my uncle. My own mother having the nerve to critique me when she was an unfit mother, yes, is a hard pill to swallow. It’s a miracle I turned upto school and got good grades. I once had to turn up to an exam after she had taken an overdose not knowing if she was alive or dead. When I saw a therapist, they said the abuse I had suffered was one of the worst they’d heard. I couldn’t face that.

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That feeling of being less than, of desperately wanting to be taken care of comes from your childhood - from what you’ve said about your background, from your Mum and her criticism and put downs. I’m sorry you were treated poorly by your family.

From personal experience, the only way you’re going to overcome those feelings is with therapy. You do have the inner strength to go therapy, you had the strength to get through an abusive childhood which means you have the strength to work through those feelings and memories. Minimising contact with your family whilst you work on those feelings will help.

EMDR is a good place to start.

And go for the tattoo, do something nice for yourself, it will be beautiful.

Ankther · 12/05/2025 08:54

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:42

To clarify on the tattoo. It’s a large scar but a thin like up the centre of my back. A thin floral farro is long but not a huge artwork covering my back. Sorry i don’t know whether to refer to that as small or large. I’d consider a delicate piece like that smallish

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A small tattoo would cover a small scar. A large scar means a large tattoo.

BobbyBiscuits · 12/05/2025 08:50

You say you're suicidal but yet you're not a danger. Those two things can't both be true.

Maybe she was thinking you weren't well enough to want to come alone? But she still invited you. I'd never expect a lift from any family member.

I honestly think you should just go along and enjoy it. You're finding the worst in people where there is no bad intentions.

cumbriaisbest · 12/05/2025 08:45

You can even draw a couple of circles and put in things I can change/ can't change.

God I'm great at this! if only I applied it to myself.

Missanimosity · 12/05/2025 08:44

If is not co.fortable for you to walk why don t you take a taxi? I'm sorry for what happened to you but you do sound like hard work. You say you are ostracised I don't see how. You were invited out but you want someone to come pick you up. You are an adult, if I invite someone out it wouldn't cross my.mind to offer them a lift as well. You have some trauma but that is yours to sort, there are way around it people came with solutions but you keep going on about it. My sister is the same, is hard for me to invite her along somewhere because I have to think for her the transport and the logistics. Frankly, I'm not doing it anymore, either you plan accordingly or stay home. I love her but is draining.

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 12/05/2025 08:44

I don't think OP is in a great place to be a reliable narrator of events right now, and the most helpful thing is likely to be getting treatment and focusing on mental health recovery rather than legislating family incidents.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:42

To clarify on the tattoo. It’s a large scar but a thin like up the centre of my back. A thin floral farro is long but not a huge artwork covering my back. Sorry i don’t know whether to refer to that as small or large. I’d consider a delicate piece like that smallish

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*line

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Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:42

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 08:39

Your OP described it as a “little” tattoo, not a whole back piece. This reads like you’re adjusting your story to sound more reasonable when you’ve been told you aren’t being so.

Kindly, if you’d said you didn’t drive at all and had presumed a lift alongside the invite it would be one thing. But saying you do drive and have a car but are unsure of walking alone from venue to car park after the show? Nah. Surely you could just arrange to park near where your family are parked, at least in the same car park so you can walk there together when it ends.

I understand your MH is suffering right now but you’re not helping that by focusing on these feelings of exclusion, even when included. “Yes but I should have been more included” is a dangerous thought process and leaves people exhausted and walking on eggshells trying not to offend the person.

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To clarify on the tattoo. It’s a large scar but a thin like up the centre of my back. A thin floral farro is long but not a huge artwork covering my back. Sorry i don’t know whether to refer to that as small or large. I’d consider a delicate piece like that smallish

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MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 08:39

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 05:25

Mine wouldn’t be a small tattoo I had spinal surgery up 3/4’s of my back.

I know what you are saying. It was how the text was worded. Your brother is working and that’s who we wanted to see is how I took the message.

An uncle died who I was the only one who visited him. He left me all of his estate. I’ve tried to brush things off as paranoia but another cousin didn’t even send me a wedding invitation but did to every other family member. A cousin I barely saw so no reason to hate me. My brother saw him even less than me. But got an invite

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Your OP described it as a “little” tattoo, not a whole back piece. This reads like you’re adjusting your story to sound more reasonable when you’ve been told you aren’t being so.

Kindly, if you’d said you didn’t drive at all and had presumed a lift alongside the invite it would be one thing. But saying you do drive and have a car but are unsure of walking alone from venue to car park after the show? Nah. Surely you could just arrange to park near where your family are parked, at least in the same car park so you can walk there together when it ends.

I understand your MH is suffering right now but you’re not helping that by focusing on these feelings of exclusion, even when included. “Yes but I should have been more included” is a dangerous thought process and leaves people exhausted and walking on eggshells trying not to offend the person.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:39

cumbriaisbest · 12/05/2025 08:26

Things you can change/things you can't change.

When overwhelmed with feelings I hate this and find it bloody irritating! However, it has some merit.

Thank you for your kind advice

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Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:39

My Limited diet meant I lost lots of weight so didn’t have to pay for mounjaro. Every cloud

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Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:37

ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 08:29

I really sorry that happened to you, but, respectfully, it’s your choice whether to attend the event, with the travel options available to you. If you (understandably) feel daunted after being attacked and injured, then just refuse night time engagements for the moment. It’s not reasonable to expect a cousin you don’t see often to have your fears uppermost in mind when issuing an invitation.

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I have not been on nights out since it happened and friends have been really good to me. I just thought as I had taken her parent to chemo, she knew me circumstances, she’d have done me that little favour. My bad and I’ll move on and learn from it

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ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 08:29

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:23

I think when someone is attacked on a night out where they have there jaw broken, and this is widely known, means walking to a car alone is daunting. I didn’t want to share that as it’s extremely personal but I’m definitely not being dramatic.

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I really sorry that happened to you, but, respectfully, it’s your choice whether to attend the event, with the travel options available to you. If you (understandably) feel daunted after being attacked and injured, then just refuse night time engagements for the moment. It’s not reasonable to expect a cousin you don’t see often to have your fears uppermost in mind when issuing an invitation.

honeylulu · 12/05/2025 08:27

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:23

I think when someone is attacked on a night out where they have there jaw broken, and this is widely known, means walking to a car alone is daunting. I didn’t want to share that as it’s extremely personal but I’m definitely not being dramatic.

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Bloody hell, I'm so sorry OP. That is absolutely awful.

cumbriaisbest · 12/05/2025 08:26

Things you can change/things you can't change.

When overwhelmed with feelings I hate this and find it bloody irritating! However, it has some merit.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 08:23

honeylulu · 12/05/2025 08:18

"But he's good looking" is a really nasty comment and was totally unnecessary, I agree.

But the event stuff ... you sound like someone who tends to be very woe-is-me and that you think others should pander to you. When you wanted to accept the invitation you told your brother to message cousin. FGS ask for her number and message yourself!

You don't think they were as keen on you coming as your brother - it sounds like they are closer to him and maybe he is more upbeat and fun. I'm sorry to hear you are having struggles with your mental health but people tend to want to socialise with people who are fun. (I'm an introvert with resting bitch face and I definitely don't get as many invitations as my bubbly extrovert friends.)

No free ticket, but as you pointed out you are set up for life financially (and there is probably some resentment about you being the only one to inherit from uncle).

You expected a lift - why? You have your own car and can easily afford it. Walking to the car park after an event finishes is fine, there will be loads of people heading there, it won't be isolated. I doubt she lied about having a carful - the number of people would be obvious when you arrived.

It does sound like there is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic in your family and that is totally shit. I'm also the scapegoat in mine and spent years feeling hurt and resentful but in the end you have to let it go and live your best life as you can't change other people. If you expect others to notice and make it up to you, it won't happen, sorry.

I think when someone is attacked on a night out where they have there jaw broken, and this is widely known, means walking to a car alone is daunting. I didn’t want to share that as it’s extremely personal but I’m definitely not being dramatic.

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