Page 3 | Always the last to be picked

SansaStark90 · 2025-05-12T04:08:00+00:00

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months. Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift. So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.) For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

Luddite26 · 12/05/2025 16:09

OP I have sympathy for how you feel. It can take a long time to realise that a mother isn't always the way you want her to be and it can take longer coming to terms with that.
There is a thread on here called
but we took you to stately homes
Reading some of that may help or posting on there it's very supportive.
No arguments about spelling or grammar.
💐

JillMW · 12/05/2025 16:07

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 06:30

I hope your post grad wasn’t in English. As upset as I am. I’d always know it’s “you are happy to drive there.”

You are clearly as cold as your mother as you’ve offered little sympathy to someone who has clearly been treated poorly by her family.

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Gosh! Is this the way you speak to your family? I would not want to take you in my car if you are likely to call another passenger badly educated or cold.

Someone2025 · 12/05/2025 16:05

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 16:00

When did I say I don’t like them? I love them and just want my mum’s positive support, not put downs. I resent that my brother benefitted from my uncle and got away with not being the villain, so I resent the situation. Not him. On the whole I like spending time with my family, regardless of my age. Alternating between different relationships, friends, family, work - is healthy, for me.

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Spending time with your mother is clearly not healthy for you, Her comments play on your mind and are destroying your self esteem and confidence, I limit contact with people ( and cut out ‘friends’) who make me feel that way as they will eventually destroy you

Confused118 · 12/05/2025 16:02

OP I feel bad for you, I understand the feeling of wanting your mums approval and I don't think it's easy to let that go. I don't know what your mums opinion is on tattoos but I think back tattoo's look a lot nicer and have a lot more longevity than arm tattoos. However thats only my opinion and I wonder whether that was behind your mums comments?

I think counselling would only be a benefit to you, why not try it?

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 16:00

DontMindMeJust · 12/05/2025 15:40

Again: why are you spending so much time hanging out with your family when you're in your 30s and you don't even like them?

When did I say I don’t like them? I love them and just want my mum’s positive support, not put downs. I resent that my brother benefitted from my uncle and got away with not being the villain, so I resent the situation. Not him. On the whole I like spending time with my family, regardless of my age. Alternating between different relationships, friends, family, work - is healthy, for me.

OP posts:

Someone2025 · 12/05/2025 16:00

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 12/05/2025 15:56

Exactly. She doesn't understand why I just want her to like the way I look. My boss literally doesn't care about my appearance as long as I'm clean and smart, and certainly wouldn't break human rights laws to "hide me away", and all my landlord cares about is whether I can pay the rent. This has only been since this specific choice I've made about my appearance, so only since the beginning of the year. I'm 57, I should really be allowed to look how I want, as long as my boss approves.

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How was your mother in a position to say this to your boss and landlord

My mother has never met any of my employers and would never be in a position to do so,

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 12/05/2025 15:56

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 13:20

I’m sorry you have that experience also. I’ve had low self esteem my entire life due to it. All my friends mother’s talk about their daughters as they are the apple of their eyes. I wonder what that must be like. I think people underestimate it’s possibly the most important relationship you will have as it shapes you.

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Exactly. She doesn't understand why I just want her to like the way I look. My boss literally doesn't care about my appearance as long as I'm clean and smart, and certainly wouldn't break human rights laws to "hide me away", and all my landlord cares about is whether I can pay the rent. This has only been since this specific choice I've made about my appearance, so only since the beginning of the year. I'm 57, I should really be allowed to look how I want, as long as my boss approves.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:55

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:47

😅

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I thought it was funny the sitted comment. Not nasty

OP posts:

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:53

PensionedCruiser · 12/05/2025 14:49

I think, SansaStark90, that you need to work out some of this stuff in therapy. I am no doctor, but having had similar experiences to you, I think that it's possible that the root of your feelings could be your attack and that you are not depressed, but suffer from complex ptsd, given your childhood experiences.

I don't know where you live, but I am aware that not every counsellor is a good match for an individual. In the UK, there is a tendency to send everyone for CBT counselling on the NHS, if they cannot afford to go privately and can wait long enough to be seen. But, I know from personal experience that CBT does not work for everyone and that an individual approach from a compatible counsellor works better.

Please give the therapy another go. I think that a good counsellor for you could help enormously.

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I have thought that I have ptsd as Im a different person now. I have nightmares, not about it, but really vivid night terrors where I wake up and cannot breathe. I am so afraid of going to sleep. I don’t. So I’m constantly functioning on 10% due to no sleep. I am constantly anxious and on guard.

I really appreciate your kindness. My looks are a very sensitive topic so I have really taken my mum’s words to heart, as the surgery I had I’m always paranoid how different I look.

OP posts:

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:47

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:45

I mean it to be a little nasty. Poor character visiting a grandparent solely for the purpose of being fed and when she was of no further use, no visit. She was “babysitted” once a year.

I have stated I have overreacted and taken it to heart. Can’t say no more than that

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😅

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:45

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 15:34

Again, “so she could have her dinner provided for her” is sounding a bit nasty.

The included you. You’re looking for reasons to feel excluded, while also justifying not including them in your own life. She’s older, you have nothing in common. Well they still invited you. But you haven’t been invited enough.

They could have bought you a ticket just so you can feel extra included but you shouldn’t have to share a single penny with them. You hardly even know them.

You’re not just being sensitive - you are being entitled.

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I mean it to be a little nasty. Poor character visiting a grandparent solely for the purpose of being fed and when she was of no further use, no visit. She was “babysitted” once a year.

I have stated I have overreacted and taken it to heart. Can’t say no more than that

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 12/05/2025 15:43

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 05:29

His tattoo would cover his arm. Mine would cover most of my back surgery scar which is large.

No I didn’t offer a lift as I wasn’t really given a chance. I don’t expect privileges with being down. But I wouldn’t invite someone if I knew I couldn’t take them there and make them feel included. That’s just how I am. I’d have gladly given a lift. But don’t know the others who were supposedly in attendance

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Op, you do sound very sensitive. His tattoo would cover healthy skin, yours scars. I really do not like tattoos, don’t get why people would get big ones, but I do get it if you have scars you want to cover and would be really supportive. While if you were a scar free friend who wanted a large tattoo, I wouldn’t. Your mum was awkward but she was probably trying not to say that?
and re the lifts, is that not a really strange thing to say? Why invite someone if you can’t take them there? That’s what I do with my kids friends- if I invite them to something with my child I might make sure I can take them. But he’s 8 years old. It hasn’t occurred to me to make sure friends can get somewhere as part of inviting them since I was about 13?
I know it feels like everyone is against you when you feel this way, but, kindly, these examples don’t tell us that.

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:40

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:39

That was snide as that’s all some focus on. Money. Not. Ohhh. Must have been lonely for my uncle. No help. No company. If my family begrudge a child, which is what I was, spending all weekend with him for peace and security outside of the horror which was home, well shame on them.

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Well, you clearly begrudge your cousin staying with your grandma as a child so ... 🤷‍♀️

DontMindMeJust · 12/05/2025 15:40

Again: why are you spending so much time hanging out with your family when you're in your 30s and you don't even like them?

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:39

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:35

"shows your characters"?! Could you be any more snide?

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That was snide as that’s all some focus on. Money. Not. Ohhh. Must have been lonely for my uncle. No help. No company. If my family begrudge a child, which is what I was, spending all weekend with him for peace and security outside of the horror which was home, well shame on them.

OP posts:

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:36

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:30

Again. It wasn’t about the cost of the ticket. It was about another element of being excluded.

For those focusing on money it shows your characters. I wasn’t being mean or nasty about my money, my choice. I was stating a fact. It was left to me and I highly doubt they would have shared it with me. My grandma only saw this cousin two weeks of the year when her parents, my aunt and uncle went on holiday so she could have her dinner provided for her everyday.

I concede I have overreacted as I’m emotional about the event. She is twenty years older so we have don’t have a lot in common and that is that.

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So your grandma babysitted the cousin?

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:36

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 12/05/2025 14:50

Yes of course!! I have no idea why people are ignoring that part and focusing on the size of the tattoo!!

I think there's a lot more to this story and the relationship between you, your mum and your brother. I think that people are taking what you are saying at face value and this is because you're not conveying the dysfunction within your family because you don't understand it properly yourself. You've obviously not had the best childhood and it sounds like your brother is the golden child. Perhaps you need some therapy to try to figure all this out.

It does also sound like your family resent you for inheriting your uncles estate. Your uncle must have thought a lot of you so try to focus on that. My family think I'm a loser as well. I've spent the last two years caring for my mum and only being around family. My personality disappeared during that time and it's only just returning. So with that in mind, I would distance yourself from your family.

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That must have been hard caring for your family. You are certainly not a loser as if it wasn’t for family carers, social care and the nhs truly would collapse. I alwahs marvel at the Asian culture, they are so close and intertwined and look after elders, I think it’s to be admired.

The therapist I saw said I was in denial about how bad things were and had been. I don’t consider myself a victim, I have a hard time facing up to what i have been through as it can be a hard pill to swallow.

OP posts:

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:35

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:30

Again. It wasn’t about the cost of the ticket. It was about another element of being excluded.

For those focusing on money it shows your characters. I wasn’t being mean or nasty about my money, my choice. I was stating a fact. It was left to me and I highly doubt they would have shared it with me. My grandma only saw this cousin two weeks of the year when her parents, my aunt and uncle went on holiday so she could have her dinner provided for her everyday.

I concede I have overreacted as I’m emotional about the event. She is twenty years older so we have don’t have a lot in common and that is that.

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"shows your characters"?! Could you be any more snide?

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 15:34

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:30

Again. It wasn’t about the cost of the ticket. It was about another element of being excluded.

For those focusing on money it shows your characters. I wasn’t being mean or nasty about my money, my choice. I was stating a fact. It was left to me and I highly doubt they would have shared it with me. My grandma only saw this cousin two weeks of the year when her parents, my aunt and uncle went on holiday so she could have her dinner provided for her everyday.

I concede I have overreacted as I’m emotional about the event. She is twenty years older so we have don’t have a lot in common and that is that.

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Again, “so she could have her dinner provided for her” is sounding a bit nasty.

The included you. You’re looking for reasons to feel excluded, while also justifying not including them in your own life. She’s older, you have nothing in common. Well they still invited you. But you haven’t been invited enough.

They could have bought you a ticket just so you can feel extra included but you shouldn’t have to share a single penny with them. You hardly even know them.

You’re not just being sensitive - you are being entitled.

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:30

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 15:08

Why would they cover your ticket cost when you got a large inheritance from shared family and they did not ? And you’re arguing you shouldn’t have to share with cousins you hardly know. Do you ever consider that they’re trying to include you while you’ve quite firmly separated yourself from them..?

You can’t have it all ways. Many of us, myself included, had abusive mothers. It’s horrible and I sympathise with anyone who carries this pain but it does not give you free rein to attack anyone. You feeling yourself “attacked” by people giving you their realistic views on a situation after you specifically for those views.

This is AIBU not the “give me sympathy and zero criticism” forum. You should be open to objective viewpoints.

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Again. It wasn’t about the cost of the ticket. It was about another element of being excluded.

For those focusing on money it shows your characters. I wasn’t being mean or nasty about my money, my choice. I was stating a fact. It was left to me and I highly doubt they would have shared it with me. My grandma only saw this cousin two weeks of the year when her parents, my aunt and uncle went on holiday so she could have her dinner provided for her everyday.

I concede I have overreacted as I’m emotional about the event. She is twenty years older so we have don’t have a lot in common and that is that.

OP posts:

Original poster

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 15:21

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:00

This - or this: "My 35-year-old adult daughter has always been very prickly and paranoid - I suffered badly with my mental health throughout her childhood, which impacted her hugely, but I am now well and have tried really hard to rebuild our relationship. She is jealous of her brother and I feel she is always looking for reasons to feel upset. Recently she even let herself into my house uninvited and spied on my private conversations!"

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I had always had sympathy for my mum. But when you have children, it’s not about you. You can’t have children then try to commit suicide multiple times and have your daughter do they cleaning, bathing of sibling. While you are so drugged up your forget to pick your children up from school.

She’s tried so hard to rebuild our relationship she calls me ugly and my brother good looking. Not to mention the rest.

Me and my brother have always just walked into the family home. I was stood talking to my dad and she clearly didn’t hear me, but I very much heard her. Is that spying?

OP posts:

DwayneTheRockJohnson · 12/05/2025 15:08

I’m always being left out of things. I’ve just come to accept that people are knobs.

MissDoubleU · 12/05/2025 15:08

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 13:22

I didn’t mention the free tickets as I don’t care about paying for them - I just felt it was another way to point out, you are otherly and not with the group.

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Why would they cover your ticket cost when you got a large inheritance from shared family and they did not ? And you’re arguing you shouldn’t have to share with cousins you hardly know. Do you ever consider that they’re trying to include you while you’ve quite firmly separated yourself from them..?

You can’t have it all ways. Many of us, myself included, had abusive mothers. It’s horrible and I sympathise with anyone who carries this pain but it does not give you free rein to attack anyone. You feeling yourself “attacked” by people giving you their realistic views on a situation after you specifically for those views.

This is AIBU not the “give me sympathy and zero criticism” forum. You should be open to objective viewpoints.

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 15:00

BirthdeighParteigh · 12/05/2025 14:46

Somewhere out there, the cousin is writing an AIBU along the lines of:

AIBU to give up on a relationship with my cousin? Background is a little tense - she got a substantial inheritance from our uncle, which she shared with her brother but not the other nieces and nephews. She says it’s because we never visited him, but the brother didn’t either…

I looked past that and have tried to maintain a relationship, but she makes no effort and never initiates anything. I invited her to an event at the weekend, which she accepted and I was pleased about.

However, I’ve just found out that she’s now complaining about me online, because my invite apparently wasn’t effusive enough and I didn’t offer to drive her there (in my already full car!). People are being kind to her, but she’s being rude and pedantic to them too.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough for her, and that she constantly seeks to position herself as the wronged party - despite being hugely favoured by our late uncle.

This - or this: "My 35-year-old adult daughter has always been very prickly and paranoid - I suffered badly with my mental health throughout her childhood, which impacted her hugely, but I am now well and have tried really hard to rebuild our relationship. She is jealous of her brother and I feel she is always looking for reasons to feel upset. Recently she even let herself into my house uninvited and spied on my private conversations!"

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 12/05/2025 14:50

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 05:30

If it had been worded liked that. No probelm.
it was the, but he’s good looking part. Would no one else not take offence to that?

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Yes of course!! I have no idea why people are ignoring that part and focusing on the size of the tattoo!!

I think there's a lot more to this story and the relationship between you, your mum and your brother. I think that people are taking what you are saying at face value and this is because you're not conveying the dysfunction within your family because you don't understand it properly yourself. You've obviously not had the best childhood and it sounds like your brother is the golden child. Perhaps you need some therapy to try to figure all this out.

It does also sound like your family resent you for inheriting your uncles estate. Your uncle must have thought a lot of you so try to focus on that. My family think I'm a loser as well. I've spent the last two years caring for my mum and only being around family. My personality disappeared during that time and it's only just returning. So with that in mind, I would distance yourself from your family.