Always the last to be picked

are you in therapy?

if not: why?

As I already said: you deserve to be happy. And I strongly suspect that you need a thicker skin to be able to manage life, your own and other people’s idiosyncrasies successfully.

as I’ve already said:

I do believe that you need to get a thicker skin. Which is something one can (to an extent) learn with therapy, coping strategies, cutting certain people out of one’s life, potentially medication etc. You deserve to be happy. No matter your extended family! (or your mother….)

Being expected to get yourself to an event is not unreasonable. They invited you; that’s enough. You don’t need to driven; drive yourself. No one slighted you.

Park in the same car park as them and then you’re not walking alone. No one has done anything to you.

Maybe your mum disagreed with your brother getting a tattoo because his would obviously be more visible, while yours would be on your back, small/large, whatever. Perhaps she thinks it would ruin his ‘good looks’ being so visible. As for the concert, you surely wouldn’t be the only one walking back to the car park, it sounds near the venue, others would have parked their car there too I would imagine…

Did you ask your cousin to meet at the car park so you could walk to and from the venue together?

I think that the money is likely the cause of the resentment but, reading your posts, I do think that you expect people to consider you in the same way you consider others and I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. You appear to go above and beyond for others but also expect that to be the norm, when often it isn’t (for anyone).

Your mother’s poor mental health may mean that she can’t see or can’t face the challenges of your childhood. In my experience, people that have severe mental health difficulties can often only see things from their perspective and struggle to accept that their view isn’t an accurate representation of what’s going on.

If you are able to get some counselling, it will really help to be able to talk to someone.

I think what you're experiencing is signs to bring change into your life. You need to fill your cup to begin with and then spend time with friends who you really love and enjoy their company. Within your extended family, you're far too visible because of the inheritance and other things. Leave them to the back of your mind and let the time pass. Focus on bringing more joy into your life that will help you detach from your family a bit. Unfortunately for some of us, as we get older we realise some things about our parents. I have trained myself to not give a shit now. I'm still working on it but I feel the key is to not give a shit amd use that energy to give more to me and my kids. You can't convince anyone to love you and treat you right so love yourself xxx

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so low and that you clearly had a challenging life experience due to your mum’s mental health. As many others have already pointed out, trauma can put you on high alert for ‘danger’ (I put that in quote marks because it’s what your brain perceives as danger rather than actual danger). When you’re on high alert, things which would seem upsetting for you, won’t be for other people. My mum is always commenting on the success and beauty of my sister in comparison to me but it doesn’t bother me as I’m OK in myself.

On here, you’re very prickly to anyone who isn’t validating your feelings, and that’s hard because your feelings are shaped by your experience, something that most of us don’t have.

But, comments on the initial posts.

It’s the description of your tattoo as small and the fact that it’s on your back which makes it different from your brothers.

Whilst you’re right, your Uncle can leave his estate to whoever he wants, that doesn’t stop his children being upset and angry about it. Just as you’re entitled to your own feelings, they’re entitled to theirs.

The night out, you made an assumption about the lift, that wasn’t what they had in their heads, that’s all it was. Nothing more significant or meaningful.

I know it’s hard getting treatment on the NHS but I’d go back to your local Talking Therapies service for more CBT. I think it might help alongside antidepressants. But part of this is recognising that if you want things to change, you have to accept that your thought pattern is unhelpful to you and detach yourself from it as the sole truth.

That's people..

Always expecting money from dead relatives.

Were any of these 'resentful' cousins your uncle's children?
My depression is hidden and only family knows
Given that you clearly dislike your family, and feel that they do not provide the level of care and attention you need, why have you shared so much with them, rather than friends you say care for you?

I would take offense at the good looking part. It was definitely thoughtless. She probably didn’t mean to imply that you’re unattractive. It’s quite likely that she simply meant that your scar was unsightly whereas your brother’s arm isn’t. but that’s not what she said. and I would find that hurtful.

Is she usually this way? If she is a generally loving and supportive mother I would however encourage you to talk this out with her. Give her the chance to take back that comment and explain what she actually meant.

aa for the event? I think you’re being extremely unreasonable. She invited you. She wants you there. But you are an adult. You have your own car and money. So she expects you to come and go on your own without her facilitating the journey. Which is absolutely reasonable imo.

are you in therapy? Do you feel that it’s been helpful?

I do believe that you need to get a thicker skin. Which is something one can (to an extend) learn with therapy, coping strategies, cutting certain people out of one’s life, potentially medication etc. You deserve to be happy. No matter your extended family!

edit: you have cared for your uncle, which is commendable. You’ve inherited his entire estate which has allowed you to graduate from university debt free and own your own house after sharing your inheritance with your DB. This is obviously a rather life changing amount of money for most people (including you). Should you feel bad about this? No. Should you be grateful? Yes.

you have a cousin that invited you and clearly wants to spend time with you. That is something to be grateful for.

depression (occasionally) has this nasty side effect of making people unable to see the good in their life. Without being aware of the good, the gifts and privileges they’ve received they obviously can’t appreciate them and be grateful. Is that potentially happening here?

Please use some of the money you got from your uncle and get some counselling.
it sounds like your mother has mental health problems and you have been affected by them.

"dream of more"

You have a very high bar.

How is it thoughtless to not give the OP a lift? She's an adult with her own car, she can drive herself. It's not like the relative offered a lift and then changed her mind, the OP just assumed. If there's no space in the car then there is no space in the car.

And the money is no doubt the cause of resentment and jealousy from your cousins, with respect leave them to it. They may have expected you to share it with them, and feel bitter when you didn’t, it was your right to decide.

Wow.

I agree inheritance isn’t usually a right. But put yourself in their shoes. They see their cousin inherit enough money from a shared uncle to buy a house and go through university debt free and then expect a lift to an event as well. I think it’s understandable that they would think ‘why can’t she drive herself or get a taxi?’. It’s human nature.

Plus you say you always have a smile on your face so your wider family may not know how low you feel?

I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo

Mine wouldn’t be a small tattoo

Which is it? Small and little are pretty much synonymous.

So much to unpick here.

Your cousin invited you out, it’s not her job to also organise your transport, you are an adult and can manage yourself given you have a car. Can you take a friend as well?

Secondly, it is not everyone else’s job to make allowances for you because of your mental health, that is for you and your therapist to manage.

Your mother sounds unwell and has been for years, so maybe she doesn’t communicate very well. Do you feel she has always favoured your brother openly? Are you the black sheep or made to feel that way? If you are, your mental health will vastly improve moving away from her/them. Or spending less time with them if you live independently.

Go to the GP and ask for CBT, your mindset is the issue here. The problems you describe are every day issues, but they are being magnified by a root cause based in childhood.

I echo all the other comments - though they did not name so - about rejection sensitive dysphoria, black and white thinking with a focus only on the black and lack of capacity of understanding the other's perspective and how that might calibrate their reactions.

I understand you want us to be kind to you, and you should be treated kindly, but you need a more realistic view of what is in happening and how these events are to be interpreted. Your perception and reactions are way off.

From what you have written it doesn’t seem that you will ever get the support you want from your family. They seem a bit unpleasant. I would consider backing away from them and concentrating on improving other areas of your life, work, friends, hobbies etc.

I think the uncle leaving you all his money is huge and you brought it up as an aside

I think you are massively underestimating others hurt and jealousy over this , you are very logical and see it as fair and reasonable but there may have just assumed that some cash was coming their way , that kind of money is life changing and coupled with your depression may make relationships awkward

money is often the root of all evil in family fall outs