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AIBU?

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Original poster

Always the last to be picked

310 replies

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 05:08

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

OP posts:
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Banmooo · 13/05/2025 08:12

Nina1013 · 13/05/2025 08:11

I’m so confused.
You took your uncle to chemo 3 x a week but he died when you were a child?
Also is this cousin the child of the uncle? Was she disinherited and the money went to you? If so, of course that’s going to hurt.

In terms of you saying you can’t go alone etc - I know it’s not quite this simple, but on the surface of it, if you’re able to arrange an outfit and multiple beauty appointments and I assume attend them independently, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to assume you can also get yourself there.

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You are confused. The uncle had no children. The aunt was taken to chemo. The cousin is the aunt's child

Nina1013 · 13/05/2025 08:11

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 17:13

My parents had to know as I was a child when my uncle died. I mean outside of my parents and brother no one else knows. Unless they have guessed with the house he bought I’m unsure

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I’m so confused.
You took your uncle to chemo 3 x a week but he died when you were a child?
Also is this cousin the child of the uncle? Was she disinherited and the money went to you? If so, of course that’s going to hurt.

In terms of you saying you can’t go alone etc - I know it’s not quite this simple, but on the surface of it, if you’re able to arrange an outfit and multiple beauty appointments and I assume attend them independently, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to assume you can also get yourself there.

cumbriaisbest · 13/05/2025 08:07

This might seem like utter tone deaf nonsense but I think it's important to eat properly.
My brain doesn't fare well on a diet of Kit Kats and coffee and wine.

Bluedenimdoglover · 13/05/2025 08:03

You need to get off this Mumsnet thread and start following some of the good advice you have had already and get help. You know you need it, but you won't get what you need here by continuing this and responding, you will go deeper and deeper into blaming yourself and your immediate family. Please finish this thread and get some good counselling and therapy. I wish you well for the future.

Notsosure1 · 13/05/2025 03:30

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:00

It was never like they asked me or my parents the plan for the money and it’s not something I’d blurt out, oh by the way, I did this with the money.

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But if you are annoyed that everyone in your extended family believes you unjustly inherited EVERYTHING and you’re in contact with your cousin's, as is your brother, why haven’t you told them you shared half with him? Why complain he’s getting off scott free in the resentment
stakes but refuse to correct their assumption when you’re in contact?

Agapornis · 13/05/2025 00:58

Mentally - they put me on antidepressants. In the last week and a half I’ve cut my dose down to half and when I’ve said I’ve cried for two days straight, I’ve never known me to be mentally like this.

That might be quite fast depending on your antidepressant - try a slower pace of tapering off, and do it supervised by your GP if you aren't already. It might also partially explain why you're feeling worse than usual about your mum/cousin etc!

QueenQueef25 · 13/05/2025 00:21

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:33

I had spinal surgery which was quite a big op, I saw quite, to minimise in my own head, so a large op. A few traumatic things at once and you know how they prep you for surgery. No nail polish, nothing but a gown. I felt stripped of who I was even after.

Thats really encouraging that I could get my brain back to how it was. I’m going to do some bed time reading on this.

I wish there was more nhs help out there. They fixed me physically. Mentally - they put me on antidepressants. In the last week and a half I’ve cut my dose down to half and when I’ve said I’ve cried for two days straight, I’ve never known me to be mentally like this. The antidepressants have messed with my head so much, even when my mood isn’t bad I’m just zoned out, in a trance. I couldn’t be happy or sad. So at least I’m feeling something again, just wish it wasn’t this bad.

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Yes please do Google the brain scan images.
Roughly its stress = bad. Est safety physically, then relaxation = good.
And nutrition. Healthy fats. Brain has better chance of regeneration.

Apparently Anti depressants work differently for different people, and also for genders.
As men and women have different nervous system ( hormone) responses
I here people say they found the right one for them and something can 'click'. This happened for me. I found one that felt like a 'lift' and boost not lobotomy. Which also experienced and was horrible.

There could be one that helps. And you don't have to take anything forever.
I'm hearing the words 'trauma informed healthcare' a lot atm as latest buzzword.
And it seems to be right way to go although of course the gp's seem like the last to know.

Alongside the psychology,
Have you heard of link workers and social prescribing? GP's can connect you with local programs. For instance there's a walking group for people experiencing trauma near me.
occupational therapy can be prescribed by gp as well.
They might be able to get you a social worker or some kind of help to navigate this time.

Original poster
SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:37

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/05/2025 23:27

Were you pressurised into giving your brother the money ? were you still a child when the decision was made or was it something you did once you became an adult ?

I did make the decision when I was a child, mid teen, my dad gently suggested what about my brother but to be honest I have a saviour complex. I tried to save and help my mum and I volunteered to split it with him so I was helping him. I come from a very traditional background in that you help close family out and have a close dynamic. For the most part, I enjoy this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:33

QueenQueef25 · 12/05/2025 21:29

The jaw break is a massive issue. Ofcourse you have ptsd. It's a 'trauma'
So you likely have ptsd and cpsd.

People's brains literally change. Your not imagining it. Brain scans now show this.
And they can also go back under right circumstances. But even the ptsd probably affects your decision making / self trust and frankly compounds the childhood stuff. The brain 'shrinks' in trauma.

You should definitely get nhs help with this. The counciling will help.

I had spinal surgery which was quite a big op, I saw quite, to minimise in my own head, so a large op. A few traumatic things at once and you know how they prep you for surgery. No nail polish, nothing but a gown. I felt stripped of who I was even after.

Thats really encouraging that I could get my brain back to how it was. I’m going to do some bed time reading on this.

I wish there was more nhs help out there. They fixed me physically. Mentally - they put me on antidepressants. In the last week and a half I’ve cut my dose down to half and when I’ve said I’ve cried for two days straight, I’ve never known me to be mentally like this. The antidepressants have messed with my head so much, even when my mood isn’t bad I’m just zoned out, in a trance. I couldn’t be happy or sad. So at least I’m feeling something again, just wish it wasn’t this bad.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/05/2025 23:27

Were you pressurised into giving your brother the money ? were you still a child when the decision was made or was it something you did once you became an adult ?

ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 23:13

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:00

It was never like they asked me or my parents the plan for the money and it’s not something I’d blurt out, oh by the way, I did this with the money.

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Respectfully, there you go again with the negativity. You could be happy your uncle valued you and left you a huge inheritance, but instead you’re focusing on the fact that your brother got half without the wider family knowing you had shared it, so isn’t the ‘villain’ in your cousins’ eyes.

Original poster
SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 23:00

Notsosure1 · 12/05/2025 21:48

If they found out you benefitted why did they not then find out you shared half with him?

If they don’t know already tell them

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It was never like they asked me or my parents the plan for the money and it’s not something I’d blurt out, oh by the way, I did this with the money.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 12/05/2025 21:48

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 18:41

I’m not being snarky but I didn’t say that. I said I resent the situation. All my family knew I benefitted in the will but not my brother. So I resent the fact he got away with no being cast as a villain. Whereas I wasn’t so lucky.

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If they found out you benefitted why did they not then find out you shared half with him?

If they don’t know already tell them

QueenQueef25 · 12/05/2025 21:29

The jaw break is a massive issue. Ofcourse you have ptsd. It's a 'trauma'
So you likely have ptsd and cpsd.

People's brains literally change. Your not imagining it. Brain scans now show this.
And they can also go back under right circumstances. But even the ptsd probably affects your decision making / self trust and frankly compounds the childhood stuff. The brain 'shrinks' in trauma.

You should definitely get nhs help with this. The counciling will help.

QueenQueef25 · 12/05/2025 21:20

I wanted to edit my initial post with some little bits I backed out of writing

PensionedCruiser · 12/05/2025 20:28

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 18:38

Sorry I have realised I need to really face it and stick to therapy. After what happened. I tried but I found it really painful. I also find it really hard to verbalise things I find painful. I can make a joke or play happy go lucky facade. Hard core honesty I bottle up and run for the hills

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SansaStark90, therapy can be very painful, because you're forced into facing things that you have kept tightly bottled up and buried for a long time. Opening up can bring things to the surface that you have long forgotten and that can be very difficult. But my personal experience is that, when you come out the other end of everything, it's worth the hard work and pain.

YourPurpleGal · 12/05/2025 20:18

Sending virtual hugs 🫂 🤗 ❤️

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/05/2025 20:10

I think if you press Report on your initial post OP, you will get through to someone who will delete it for you. As others have mentioned, the stately homes thread is a better place to post.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/05/2025 20:09

Wishing you all the best OP.. try to find someone to talk to in RL who will help you find some strategies to deal with this current situation.. and work from there. I'd bin the concert, its causing you too much stress... put it behind you and find something else, however small, to treat yourself to, to take your mind off it. See your GP to see if they have any advice.

MatildaMovesMountains · 12/05/2025 20:01

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 19:37

I have tried to delete the thread is hidden but I’m new to this site

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Mumsnet will remove it for you if you ask.

Original poster
SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 19:37

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/05/2025 19:23

OP I agree with PinkChaires.

This thread is becoming a pile on, with snarky suggestions akin to gaslighting which can only make you feel worse,

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I have tried to delete the thread is hidden but I’m new to this site

OP posts:
Original poster
SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 19:25

QueenQueef25 · 12/05/2025 16:12

Irdk what mumsnets issue with these types of threads are. The replys are mostly appalling - well i do, it's a mixture of 'internalised misogyny' and projecting.
Calling OP a wet lettuce, saying her brother sounds 'more fun' and belittling someone for not wanting to be alone after dark after being attacked.
Piling on and projecting.

Literally, mob mentality and victim blaming.

Making assumptions left right and center and then telling the op they are assuming.

It's internalised misogyny bc the deathly shuddering and tutting is from your own projected fear of societal ideas about 'weakness'.
Not wanting to be seen as a 'victim' so your re-inforcing those patriarchal values.
By deneying 'weakness' and rewarding 'strength '

Weakness and victimhood exist - they are not an eternal state or a personality.

This all is from women who follow trends,
Depend on others to tell them what's acceptable. Spend all their lives subconsciously trying to 'fit in'.
Will take no wider responsibility for the issues facing their communities, won't put themselves out for anything/anyone.
Live viacariously through their children. and have just discovered they can wear trainers WITH a dress. Stone the flaming crows.

Op you sound really kind, intelligent, hard working, empathic.
Driving your family to chemo and helping out your uncle.

Your kindness obviously ment a lot to him if your the only one he left anything to.

You might feel alone and invalidated but you have a major opportunity to change course, the house and money have given you a way out of being dependent on the family system.
Yes the family have let you down emotionally, and will likely continue to ( not bc of your failing but sadly people create coping skills of 'punching down' and before wide spread therapytalk was normal, these are the unseen dynamics that have made up society. )
But with this, quite significant £££ help you could change the course of your life.

It's human nature to need your parents approval/guidance/emotional support.
But if its not comming, and millions of people feel like this, you could seek other senses of help, build yourself up and create a different support system ( maybe that sounds far off. )

Look up 'Cen'
Childhood emotional neglect
Just don't expect your mum to ever grasp or take responsibility for your needs - she won't be able to with her own mental health issues. That doesn't mean you can't have a lovely life, even if you have a differcult backstory.

Again, not snarky, just an observation, but you could be hurt by the talk of unblemished beautiful skin vs I can’t remember exactly how worded, but along the lines of unsightly scar. Because I have had lots of criticism, I try to be conscious of anything that may offend. I do recognise I need to work on this. I can’t let others opinions and comments affect me so deeply.

What an insightful and articulate response. I’ve never thought of it in those terms - I have been told, it’s been a “while” now, you should be over it, fine with going out at night, walking alone etc. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be, and maybe that’s ok? It was life changing event which has inevitably changed me and I can’t undo that.

Maybe that’s another issue with my mum, the gender role, as she seems to resent that I think so highly of an uncle. He was the one who offered me kindness and shelter, a safe space. Possibly makes her insecure that it should be her i revere.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/05/2025 19:23

PinkChaires · 12/05/2025 18:40

op, please just leave this thread. Mumsnet is known for being viciously unkind to people to make themselves feel better. Your not going to get any real advice.

OP I agree with PinkChaires.

This thread is becoming a pile on, with snarky suggestions akin to gaslighting which can only make you feel worse,

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/05/2025 19:19

CaptainFuture · 12/05/2025 06:52

You don't seem to have any understanding of your mums mh difficulties and struggles, multiple hospital admissions and suicide attempts? That would have been awful for you AND your brother, and her sisters as well. However you're asking for kindness and support without offering the same.

How do you know she hasn't offered them kindness and support. This is a very vulnerable person who has clearly been through a lot.
You do not know what the OPs understanding of her Mother's struggles are. I'm sure she understands more about this than you do.

Dangermoo · 12/05/2025 19:13

SansaStark90 · 12/05/2025 12:23

Because I know that hurt - when people feel attacked. They attack.

I was looking for sympathy just so I thought I’m not sensitive and been constantly put down by my own mother has been hard. These are just a few comments that I’ve reached an age where I’ve had enough. I’ve had them all my life. All you ever want is your mother to love you. If your mum isn’t your cheerleader, then who will be?

My uncle was a gay man shunned for being strange. He loved literature and art. Can anyone honestly say they are given the opportunity for a large sum of money and spread it out to cousins I hardly see. And that wasn’t through choice. They are twenty years older than me. My parents had me late and were younger than their siblings.

Stay away from them because they are feeding on your low self esteem, which is of their making. You will feel so liberated if you no longer rely on them just to be constantly let down. Discover who you are.

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