Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To sack off DH on anniversary?

28 replies

Catssitonhats · 11/05/2025 22:58

To give some background, DH and I have had a pretty rough start to the year relationship wise, with a 2 week separation and threat of divorce. We have since been working through things, he's getting some therapy, we've been talking a lot more and there have been some significant positive changes. Really happy with how things are going and proud of how we've changed our relationship for the better. Great.

This weekend, however, he went out for "one" on Friday, but didn't come home until past midnight. Next day he was so hungover he couldn't take the kids to the activity he does with them every Saturday (and usually gives me a lie in as he often works away during the week), so I took them and held the fort ALL DAY (they are little - think 2 under 5) until he finally rose out of bed... Wait for it... 5pm!!!

Told him what an absolute piss taker he is, and how upset I was etc, made it very clear I won't tolerate this and he apologised and said it won't happen again. He doesn't have form for this, by the way - in fact he rarely goes out (which is probably why he ended up so hungover).
He does have form, however, for being absolutely last minute for making any sort of arrangement for anything social whatsoever, such as family birthdays etc.

It's our anniversary tomorrow and he's just come up to me and asked me if I've got him a card, because... You guessed it. He forgot and hasn't got me one! Now I don't give a fuck about the card, but I also told him to book the day off tomorrow and planned our day otherwise we'd have done nothing and I'm fucking sick of it. After all we've been through and ESPECIALLY as he was such a deadbeat yesterday I'd have thought he might have thought to himself, you know what, my wife deserves some extra appreciation tomorrow so I best check I've got a card before the shops shut. Could a man not think to himself... It's a wonder we're still married, so it's worth making a fuss of the fact we've made it another year? It'll be nearly 15 years together. We don't normally do cards for valentine's day and his excuse is that we don't usually do cards. I don't fucking care.

AIBU to sack off the day and tell him I'm popping out to run an errand, then just not come back and make him waste his day like I did yesterday? I don't even want to spend it with him anymore!

OP posts:
Catssitonhats · 11/05/2025 23:20

Gymnopedie · 11/05/2025 23:07

Now I don't give a fuck about the card, but I also told him to book the day off tomorrow and planned our day otherwise we'd have done nothing and I'm fucking sick of it.

That sounds like you have to be his mother if you ever want anything to happen, for him to do anything.

When you say things are getting better, how? Is he really changing or are you changing your expectations to accommodate him?

I wouldn't blame you for taking off for the day, but it's probably not the best way to resolve this.

Socially, I do. I carry the mental load. He's rubbish at important dates, sentimental things, just being proactive at showing he cares and has form for realising it's someone's birthday today and still needs to pop out for a card.

Extremely good at other things - he has the initiative for both of us for keeping on top of the house chores, finances, car stuff and DIY etc and great attention to detail. But yes I feel like his bloody mother when it comes to a social life. I have to encourage him to maintain friendships and tell him yes, you should send a card for xyz.

Not going to lie the progress we have made is mostly him - working on a lot of issues / trauma of his own that was impacting on us as a family in the way of his moods. He's fundamentally become a lot more positive, less critical and able to forego control. I know I've made him sound lovely.... He is autistic so a lot of these things have been quite difficult. I genuinely did think I was going to divorce him and thought he wouldn't change, but i do feel more appreciated and much happier. Far from perfect but this weekend I've just bloody had it.

I feel like all I needed to hear was "thanks for holding the fort this weekend, I really appreciate it" but I haven't heard it. And I really don't think its asking too much for an anniversary card even without having been a shit husband already this weekend!

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 11/05/2025 23:12

I think yes, sack it off and get a divorce.

Gymnopedie · 11/05/2025 23:07

Now I don't give a fuck about the card, but I also told him to book the day off tomorrow and planned our day otherwise we'd have done nothing and I'm fucking sick of it.

That sounds like you have to be his mother if you ever want anything to happen, for him to do anything.

When you say things are getting better, how? Is he really changing or are you changing your expectations to accommodate him?

I wouldn't blame you for taking off for the day, but it's probably not the best way to resolve this.