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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

267 replies

User982778 · 11/05/2025 18:27

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

OP posts:
YourFairCyanReader · 11/05/2025 23:06

Why do PP keep saying the DSD and older DSS will be moved out anyway soon so it won't matter?
Kids still need a room at home when they go to uni, and ideally even if they get a flat and a job, so they can come to stay and possible to live again if needed. Lots of things can happen in late teens and early 20s. If anything they need more room for a partner as well, and maybe a baby. DH should still want to have this space for them for years to come

DevilledEgg · 11/05/2025 22:45

People who live there all the time need more space than people who live there some of the time. Especially when the people that live there some of the time have a whole other home they can move between as they feel like it.

Away2000 · 11/05/2025 22:41

For 2 nights a week they can share. 3year old & you/DP need your own space. It’ll be much easier to transition 3 year old when you move house and have the excitement of “wow you have your own room now” than 18months later when he’s got used to sharing in that house. Surely you’d also not have the 3year old on a separate floor in the loft conversion so you’d have to be moving SC stuff up and 3 year old would have got used to his new room being SC old room.

PurpleThistle7 · 11/05/2025 22:37

Im so confused by everyone acting like it’s shocking for siblings to share a room. There are plenty of families in 2-3 bedroom flats and houses with siblings sharing. Its not odd at all and I can’t work out why it would be so crazy for these siblings to carry on sharing. Even if all 4 were full siblings and all lived there full time it would still make sense for the two same sex siblings nearest in age to share. They should get the bigger bedroom and maybe some clever furniture if you can afford it but still - totally normal.

How far are you from their other home? Surely soon they’ll have jobs and girlfriends or boyfriends and things will change anyway?

OneFineDay13 · 11/05/2025 22:35

User982778 · 11/05/2025 18:49

I feel like I have been fair up to now. I haven't demanded anyone give up a room where we are despite them being used only a couple of nights a week, because I know it was our choice to have DS, I've spent 3 years sharing with our son, having no privacy with my husband or any real space for my own things in a house I pay half the mortgage on.

I just feel it's so unfair of him to expect this from me now, AGAIN.

Your right if is unfair. Put your foot down

Whoarethoseguys · 11/05/2025 22:34

writing123 · 11/05/2025 18:54

DSS1 being 15 is significant in my opinion - he’s year 10/11 (if you’re in England/Wales), and will be into A Levels before you’ve extended for another bedroom. (He may be an adult/off at university by the time you have extended, and DSD certainly will be - is there any point even doing an extension?)

I still don’t think DS should stay in your room but I understand your DH wanting exam- age children to have separate rooms. I think he needs to think creatively about how to resolve this situation - is there a desk somewhere quiet in another room of the house that DSS1 can have for studying? Can DSS2 keep his PlayStation or whatever downstairs rather than in their bedroom? Even more creatively - quickly convert garage into a study/add office shed in garden?
DS1 can move into DSD’s room when she’s off at uni or getting a job within 6 months- 2 years (even allowing for a gap year), it’s the time in between that’s awkward.

Children cam share they have fine so for years. I never had my own room growing up and coped perfectly well doing O and A levels. And it's only two nights a week anyway
OP your plan sounds perfectly reasonable, resist your husband's suggestion and stand your ground. You need your own room and so does your 3 year old. It makes no sense for you to share leaving three rooms empty for most of the week.

EggnogNoggin · 11/05/2025 22:31

The three things would piss me off most:

  • he's led you up the garden path that he's happy with this house and the proposed set up until you've exchanged and it's effectively too late to back out and now he wants to change the plans.
  • he's too weak to parent his own kids and wants you to do the thinking and cast you as the bad guy (because if you're having this conversation because SC have brought it up, he obviously hasn't pushed back independently so it will look like it's coming from you.
  • as one of the adults paying for the house, he doesn't seem to care about your comfort, only the level of comfort you can provide funding for for his kids.
Codlingmoths · 11/05/2025 22:30

User982778 · 11/05/2025 18:49

I feel like I have been fair up to now. I haven't demanded anyone give up a room where we are despite them being used only a couple of nights a week, because I know it was our choice to have DS, I've spent 3 years sharing with our son, having no privacy with my husband or any real space for my own things in a house I pay half the mortgage on.

I just feel it's so unfair of him to expect this from me now, AGAIN.

‘We had these conversations, lots, you’ve forgotten all of it, and I feel hurt and marginalised by you about the house I pay half for, and that our child is your lowest priority, if you suggest again that we continue to share like we have for 3 years then you will need to work out the dsc and you with two bedrooms as ds gets his own room and I’ll need my own room too.

Silvers11 · 11/05/2025 22:29

Did you post about this before @User982778 A few weeks ago? This scenario is very similar? If it was you, replies are all saying much the same thing as you were advised then.

Nenas · 11/05/2025 22:27

TheHerboriste · 11/05/2025 22:26

What? With tweens and teens in the house?

Show quote history

No. On the 5 days they aren't there.

TheHerboriste · 11/05/2025 22:26

Nenas · 11/05/2025 21:08

Well obviously not, but they can put the child to bed and have sex in the lounge.

Show quote history

What? With tweens and teens in the house?

Nenas · 11/05/2025 22:25

Is there any chance you could split the largest master bedroom in half for the two DSS?

Nenas · 11/05/2025 22:24

JockTamsonsBairns · 11/05/2025 21:18

What, with 3 teenagers in the house who, presumably, are allowed to access the communal areas?

Show quote history

On the 5 nights the teens aren't there

crumblingschools · 11/05/2025 22:24

DS has returned home for his summer holiday from uni, not going back until mid September. They are home about half the year

And under 50% of young people go to uni

Nenas · 11/05/2025 22:23

Wallywobbles · 11/05/2025 22:01

In a year won’t DSD be at uni?

That doesn't matter. Uni kids often need to come home - more frequently than you might imagine. She needs to have the security of her room being there.

crumblingschools · 11/05/2025 22:21

@Themaghag but they obviously didn't think about what they were going to do when they had another child

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 11/05/2025 22:19

Your ds needs his own room. Dh and I share with our 2 year old dd2 at the moment until our extension is finished which is taking ages. She goes into her big sisters room and is so excited by a bedroom, my heart breaks for her she hasn’t got her own yet.

Dd1 is 10 and she couldn’t share with a 2 year old. It wouldn’t be fair on her. Dd1 is easy going and quiet, dd2 is chaos on a stick 😂

Definitely your dh ibu.

Themaghag · 11/05/2025 22:17

SalfordQuays · 11/05/2025 20:25

You shouldn’t have bought a house that doesn’t adequately house all your joint children. I know step children are annoying - I was one - several step mothers, some nice, some not - but that’s the way it is when you get together with an older man who’s already had 3 kids.

Don't be ridiculous! Presumably OP and her DH bought the house they could afford at the time of purchase and made the best arrangement they could for the three children who are only there for TWO nights a week.

HarryVanderspeigle · 11/05/2025 22:08

Having the permanent residents crammed into one bedroom of a 4 bed house is ridiculous. But I would consider giving the two sharing boys the biggest room. They won't be sharing a bed like you and your husband, so would benefit from the extra space more. It is a fact of life that rooms often need to be shared. My kids do.

Wallywobbles · 11/05/2025 22:01

In a year won’t DSD be at uni?

farnworth · 11/05/2025 21:56

To me, it’s not just him prioritising his older kids over your joint younger kid, it’s him prioritising his older kids over you.
You should matter. You should deserve your own adult space.
You live there permanently - this is important to you on a day to day basis.
It’s your one home.

crumblingschools · 11/05/2025 21:56

@Doggymummar they will probably stop coming sooner if they still have to share

SapphireSeptember · 11/05/2025 21:52

1SillySossij · 11/05/2025 19:52

I think a 15 year old needs his own space more than a 3 yo

Why? I shared with my younger sister until I moved out at 19!

I don't understand this idea that children have to have their own rooms. Two kids sharing is fine.

BakelikeBertha · 11/05/2025 21:52

Assuming they have their own rooms at Mum's house, why not try reframing it to your DH, ie, the SC all have their own rooms at their Mum's house 5 nights of the week, and now you want to give them their own rooms here too? How can you possibly even think this is right, when your other son, has ZERO rooms ANYWHERE, EVER?

I think framing it like this really should make your DH realise that what he's planning on doing, is incredibly unfair on your joint son. If he doesn't agree after you've put it to him this way, then just say again, 'So you want YOUR children to have their own rooms 7 nights a week, where as OUR son, gets his own room ZERO nights a week, and you still expect ME to pay HALF the mortgage? Sorry DH, but you've lost the plot if you think I'm going to allow this!'

aLittleWhiteHorse · 11/05/2025 21:42

Hmm… why don’t you suggest to your DH that you feel increasingly uncomfortable having any kind of intimacy in the same room as DS3, as he gets older and more aware…