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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving 2 out of party invites from friendship group, AIBU to insist?

41 replies

PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 17:50

DD is 10, almost 11.

Having a birthday party for her 11th Birthday at the end of July.

She’s allowed to invite 15 peopl.

4 of those are cousins, so that leaves 11 invites.

She invited 3 from her activity group (one of those is at her school). So I assumed the other 8 would be from her friendship group of 9 including her from school. But she’s insisting on inviting 6 of them but not 2 of them because she doesn’t feel as if they’re her friends as much as the others.

These 2 are in the same class at school which is not hers, there is 3 in the freindship group from her class, and then 2 in the other class (with the child from her activity and one of her cousins) – it’s a 3-form entry school.

I really think it’s unfair to leave 2 out, given I have to pay for 16 places (including her) whether we have 16 children or not I don’t see what harm it does to invite them. They’re not horrible to her she just doesn’t consider them her friends.

The friendship is a mix of boys and girls (more girls than boys) and it’s a girl and a boy being left out. So it will be obvious iyswim.

I’ve told her she can drop the boys from her friendship group invites if she wants to but one of her cousins is friends with 2 of the boys so she wanted him to have someone to talk to.

AIBU to insist she invites the last 2 from her friendship group? Or is DD right to want to decide?

OP posts:
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TheCurious0range · 15/05/2025 17:08

PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 15/05/2025 17:00

All resolved now thank you the children are going to be invited

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I missed your final update, that makes sense if they've made her feel uncomfortable

Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 15/05/2025 17:00

TheCurious0range · 15/05/2025 16:10

So she'd rather have empty paid for spaces at her party than invite these two? If they've not been unkind to her that seems very odd, there will always be fine in a group of friends we are closer to than others but if there's no additional cost and there's no bad blood it seems mean to exclude two of the wider group.

All resolved now thank you the children are going to be invited

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 15/05/2025 16:10

So she'd rather have empty paid for spaces at her party than invite these two? If they've not been unkind to her that seems very odd, there will always be fine in a group of friends we are closer to than others but if there's no additional cost and there's no bad blood it seems mean to exclude two of the wider group.

NachoChip · 15/05/2025 15:55

Removed as I missed the final answer!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2025 15:33

I think this is a really good outcome, you have the answer and your dd will be inviting her friends. I get it’s tough to be a child with a medical condition. This is also the case with my dd.

Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 15/05/2025 10:15

Thought I'd update, I had a chat with DD about these two DC incase theres an issue.

Turns out they've been asking questions about DDs medical issue and she doesn't know how to answer and she was worried they'd ask questions at her party.

We're going to invite the two to her party and arrange a playdate with the girl before the party so I can answer the questions about the medical issue. She doesn't want the boy to know, so we'll shut that down to.

All resolved thank you all for the advice!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2025 21:48

Yes I would insist nicely. Children can be quite black and white at this age and I would do it as much for your dd as for the 2 friends. Perhaps you could sell it to your dd as friendships change a lot at secondary. And friends she’s close to may drift away so it’s always good to have friendship options. So you want her to invite them this one last time as everything will be different next year.

StillTryingtoBuy · 11/05/2025 21:18

I think it depends really. If you trust your DD to understand the social dynamics well, leave it to her. ,-‘ you take this as an opportunity to talk to her a bit more about the friendships? Is the group really a set group? Those two might have other friends and just dip in and out. It doesn’t sound unkind to leave them out, from the way you’ve described it. And it could be that your DD is reading the situation well and they would be surprised to be asked given where their friendship is at.

Genevieva · 11/05/2025 21:10

I think a frank conversation needs to be had: about what it feels like to be left out, about the damage that can do to the whole group of friends afterwards and the benefits of including them. They haven’t been unkind. They’ll bring a present. They are more likely to invite her to future parties…

RandomMess · 11/05/2025 21:10

I wouldn’t invite the ExH DN, ask him to do something with them and his wider family to celebrate.

Gymnopedie · 11/05/2025 21:07

Some of the ones she's inviting might be closer to the ones she's leaving out than they are to her. If they decided not to come...?

MeganM3 · 11/05/2025 21:00

I’d just let her decide. They’re all off to secondary school soon, she’s old enough to decide.
But make the point you have paid for the places anyway, they might as well be filled.

Silvertulips · 11/05/2025 21:00

I’d be more concerned that I hadn’t taught my DD to think of other people than anything else. Not a good look and guaranteed to set off other issues

Why? As an adult you can choose who your friends are, you invite different people to different things accordingly.

Itseatingmeup · 11/05/2025 20:57

I wouldn't leave them out if we could accommodate them. So much better to teach inclusivity.

Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 20:53

Mumof2girls2121 · 11/05/2025 20:45

How would she feel if they left her out? That would be my question

I don't think she'd be bothered tbh

OP posts:
Mumof2girls2121 · 11/05/2025 20:45

How would she feel if they left her out? That would be my question

Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 19:29

CaptainFuture · 11/05/2025 19:24

So it's clear to her that you decide who comes to her birthday party then? She doesn't actually get a say?

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Of course she gets a say. If she hadn't wanted to invite my DN she didn't have to, it was totally up to her, but I wasn't going to let her invite my DN and not his sibling, she invited both or neither. She is fine with this.

ExHs cousins DC is slightly different, I admit I have insisted she invites them, but she understands why. And they do invite her to their parties, I just don't get to take her as it's ExHs family.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 11/05/2025 19:24

PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 18:28

The cousin she goes to school with yes she considers him her friend, and I wouldn't let her invite him without inviting his sibling (which she knows anyway and always invites). Thats my two DNs.

The other cousins are from ExHs family - they're ExHs cousins DC, and I insist she invites them so ExH can't accuse me of alienating his family - she does like these cousins and sees them maybe once a month when she goes to her grandparents with ExH so is fine with them being there.

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So it's clear to her that you decide who comes to her birthday party then? She doesn't actually get a say?

Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 19:23

NerrSnerr · 11/05/2025 19:13

Are you sure that the friendship group still has te dynamics it once had? My daughter is in year 6 jd the friendships have grown significantly as they seem to have grown up a lot.

I'm not really sure of the exact dynamics as I don't tend to hang around with DD when she's with her friends, they meet up at the park or walk to and from school together.

We do talk about friends and the names from all the group come up but some more than others.

OP posts:
Original poster
PartyInviteFriendshipGroup · 11/05/2025 19:21

Snorlaxo · 11/05/2025 18:36

Are the 2 who aren’t invited going to the same secondary school ? End of July is the summer holidays which makes it less awkward if you decide not to invite them.

Yes they're all going to the same secondary school, but all in different form classes.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 11/05/2025 19:13

Are you sure that the friendship group still has te dynamics it once had? My daughter is in year 6 jd the friendships have grown significantly as they seem to have grown up a lot.

Aligirlbear · 11/05/2025 19:01

You have already insisted on a number of family invites so it is unreasonable to insist on more. Your DD knows her friendship group better than you do ( i.e. who are her friends v the more acquaintance type of relationship) at this age friendships do change and I think it’s up to your DD who she invites.

Ponderingwindow · 11/05/2025 18:36

Just to be clear, this is not leaving 2 children out of the whole class out? It’s just two children out of what you perceive as the friendship group?

friendship groups change. Especially as children get older, it is important to let them choose their friends. Not to be actively unkind or cruel, but to choose who they spend their time with.

I’ve noticed this very distinctly with my own daughter. She has two circles of friends. There is the close knit group that she adores. There is a wider circle that may have better ties to individual members of her closer circle. She however has very good reasons for not being particularly good friends with the people on the wider circle. She will hang out with them when it comes up via other friends, but she isn’t keen to create situations where it happens.

Snorlaxo · 11/05/2025 18:36

Are the 2 who aren’t invited going to the same secondary school ? End of July is the summer holidays which makes it less awkward if you decide not to invite them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/05/2025 18:34

I think you've already insisted on some things so I wouldn't insist on this too. Let her invite who she likes.

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